Longing

I am bored. Joe is sleeping because he worked last night and he has to work tonight.

I have been feeling down. Shocking.

Anonymous wanted to know how it was going with the new thief-proof flower basket. So far so good! Here's a picture of me with it this morning.

Today we went to my friend Lynn's daughter's birthday party. Here she is:
Is she not the cutest? Her name is Angie and I love her. During the party her Dad(Mike) had us all come into the family room to watch a video he had made of Angie's first 2 years of life. It was so beautiful.

I made it through about 4 minutes of it before I burst into tears and had to leave the room. Luckily we were standing in the very back and no one saw. I had to go stand on the side of the house and pull myself together before I could re-join the party.

I am so lame(sorry Lynn).

But then we had cake(and ice cream) and I felt a little better.

Some days I think we would be fine with never having kids. But then I go to a kid's birthday party and realize(again) how much I long for them. I wonder if that longing ever goes away? I wonder if I will ever be able to go to a 2 year old's birthday party and not wish it was me singing to my baby?

Last weekend marked 7 years that we have been trying to have a baby, with no end in sight.

Did I mention I have been feeling down?

I wish I had some more cake.

Thankful Thursday

I was not feeling thankful today. Some days are like that.

I am feeling stressed out.

I won't bore you with the details.

I managed to think of some things to be thankful for because they are there. I just have to look for them.

I am thankful that our dog seems to be warming up to the new pet sitter we hired. We are going on vacation in 4 weeks(I hope), and I am having the pet sitter come over twice a week so that our vicious chihuahua/dachshund mix won't eat her. (I am not kidding.) Gizmo seems to feel very comfortable around her and it has only been her third visit. In another week we'll try having her come over when we aren't home and see how it goes.
I know you are thinking "How could this cute little doggie be vicious?" Well around strangers she can be. She bit our last pet sitter(thus the need for a new one). Trust me. She only looks innocent.


I am thankful for sleep. After several nights without any(and I mean ANY), I am so exhausted that I know I will get a good night's tonight. Plus my doctor called in a new prescription sleep aid for me and I am going to use it tonight. Tonight I will sleep. I am looking forward to it.


I am thankful for the pool at our apartment complex. And the fact that no one uses it during the week. No one! I sat by the pool yesterday and read a book, soaked up some sun and even got a good workout in.

See? Not a soul in sight!



I am thankful for the weight I have lost and how much better I feel since I started exercising 5 days a week. Some day I will talk more in depth about this but every time I come here to do it I find that I'm not ready. I don't know why.


I am thankful for Chinese Chicken Salad. We had it for dinner tonight and it was Yum-ee!(and healthy)



What are you thankful for?

Wordless Wednesday

31 Months

Disheartened but not Defeated

Remember the hanging flower basket I got on Sunday?

For $5.00?

The one I was afraid someone would steal because they stole it twice before?

Well Joe was gonna rig up something to make it thief proof but we didn't get around to getting it done on Sunday. So every night I was bringing it inside for the night.

Last night we had a pet sitter come over to meet our dog, and I decided I wanted it to look pretty for when she came so I left it outside.

Guess who forgot to bring it in?

That would be me.

And guess what was missing off our front porch when Joe and I left the house for him to take me to work this morning?

ARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so mad! Seriously.

I'd say how I really felt but this is a family blog.

Who does this? Who repeatedly steals something off of someone's front porch in the middle of the night multiple times?

The city I live in is on the list of Top 10 safest cities in America.

Safe my A**!

Like I said, this morning I was so angry. But as the day went on my anger turned to disappointment.

I am so bummed. I even shed a couple of tears over it at lunch. (Lame. I know.)

I don't live in a house. I don't have a front yard where I can plant flowers and spend the day watering and gardening.

All I have is a front porch, where I can put 2 (yes, only 2) potted plants and one hanging basket.

Is it too much to ask that I have a basket of flowers hanging on my porch? Is it?

I was feeling defeated. I was ready to throw in the towel.

Then Joe came to pick me up from work. On the way home he sailed right past the toll road. I asked him where he was going. He said "You'll see."

A few minutes later he pulled into the parking lot at Lowe's.

I said "Oh no. We're not wasting our time(or money) again."

He replied "But I have an idea."

A half hour later we were walking out of there with some new flowers and a plan.

Behold my new hanging flower basket:
Perhaps you need a closer look:
(Top)
(Bottom)
Ahhhhh..........I'm feeling much better now.



P.S. It is 8:00 on a Friday night and we are watching Wall E.

We really need to have some kids already.

Soon.

Wordless Wednesday

Spring Photo Bloggy Days-Day 2

I didn't take pictures yesterday so here is my day so far today. I slept ridiculously late today. I won't even tell you how late.

**********Updated at the bottom********

Self portrait after getting out of the shower.
Joe is sleeping. He worked overnight last night. He won't be up for a few hours.
Dressed and ready to go
I organized my shoes yesterday. The Ugg boots are put away and the flip flops are out. Oh yeah.
I cleaned my kitchen too. Trust me, this is a huge improvement.
This is what's brewing in the iced tea pot I got off of Freecycle.
Mmmm.........it is so yummy!
My breakfast. This is what I have most mornings. I never tire of it. 2 slices low fat bread with low sugar boysenberry jam and 1 Cup of coffee with 2 tablespoons creamer and a little Splenda. If it seems a bit restrictive, it's because it is. I have been dieting for 6 weeks and this fits within my daily calories. More on that another day. I love the I heart NY mug my friend DeAnn bought me, and I always have my toast on the Superman plate I bought for when my nephew comes to stay with us.

In the car and ready for my navigator to take me to my massage. I can't live without this thing.
At my destination.
I have to give a shout out to my friends Jenny and Lynn for the gift card to this place. Thanks girls!

This is what they call the "quiet room". I loved this room. I could have stayed there all day.
I think we need one of these rooms in our apartment.
All done. The massage was fabulous. I never wanted it to end!

I heard on the radio in the car that the local garden center had hanging baskets on sale for $5.00. I need one to replace the one that got stolen so I decided to swing by and check it out. (Joe has a plan to make this one thief proof. I hope it works)
Angel hanging in my car that my Dad made me.
Quick stop at Albertson's for lunch fixings.

Self check out. They only had one other check stand open and it had a long line so I used this.
Lunch. Turkey, tomato, lettuce and turkey bacon on wheat bread with non-fat mayo. With watermelon. Yum.

That's my day so far. I'll continue taking pictures and post the rest of my day later.



The kitty found a comfy place to sleep.
Watering my new $5.00 hanging basket. Impatiens are pretty much the only flower I can grow.



Kitty decided to get up and see what I was up too. She can be nosy like that.
This hook has remained empty ever since the last hanging basket was stolen(for the second time. Grrrrr!) Joe is going to rigg something up with wire and zip ties to see if he can make it (more)thief proof.
It looks so much prettier with something hanging on that hook. Stay away thieves!
That was pretty much my day. I think I'll end it here since all we have planned for the rest of the night is dinner and some t.v.

Spring Photo Bloggy Days

It's that time again! Shannon over at Bless Your Heart is hosting Photo Bloggy Days. It's been a while since I participated so I thought I would join in on the fun again.

Here's how it works:

by Shannon

It’s time for the Spring round of PhoBloDays! This Friday & Saturday May 15 & 16th take a picture at least once every 2 hours. Photograph everything: your breakfast, the inside of your shower, your view when you wake up, what you see on your commute to work, your desk, your lunch, you get the idea! Things you think are every day and mundane to you are interesting to us!

Post your photos of Friday & Saturday. You can do both days to show the difference between work & play, or just the one day. I wanted to include a business & non-business day for variety.

Here is my first photo of the day. Taken right when I got up. Makeup done, but in the process of drying my hair. Lovely photo of me :) Taken at 6:45 a.m.

I really must organize the bottom of my closet where I keep my shoes. Seriously.


Gizmo always lays on the couch in the living room waiting until it's time for us leave for work and put her in her crate. Doesn't she look sad?Joe driving me to work
They were trimming the trees outside our apartment at 7:00 in the morning. Quite loudly I might add. I would have been quite annoyed if they had been doing this on Wednesday(my day off). 7:00? Seems a bit early for a wood chipper, doesn't it?

On the way to work
The first thing we do after I get to work is head over to Starbuck's(although lately I have been drinking my coffee at home and will just walk with DeAnn for moral support. Trying to save money)9:00 a.m.
The waiting room at my job. Notice how it's empty? It's been that way a lot lately. It's kinda scary.10:30 a.m.
My computer screen at work. Notice what's on the screen? Yup. Facebook. It gets really boring when we have no patients, ok?

I decided I had better get to work so I decided to change the ink in one of the printers.
Then the blue ink leaked all over my hands. Pretty.12:00 p.m.
Lunch time. Woo Hoo!I had received an e-mail that there was going to be a warehouse sale on Taryn Rose shoes right around the corner so DeAnn and I headed on over there on our lunch break. Ever heard of Taryn Rose shoes? I hadn't either. They are ridiculously expensive shoes that are supposed to also be very comfortable. $500 for a pair of flats! They were on sale for $100 a pair. And no, I didn't buy any. DeAnn got lucky though because they had some sample pairs in her size for fifty bucks. Score!
12:30 p.m.
Roses at the shoe store

Expensive shoes
$500 flats on sale for $100. Great deal but still way above my budget.We didn't have a lot of time so after shoe shopping we headed over to the Chinese restaurant across the way for a quick lunch.

This was my fortune. Yeah, right. My question is WHEN????
I obviously am not good at the whole "take a picture every 2 hours" thing. This is Joe picking me up from work. And he was actually on time.
Toll Road
Scenery on the way home

Home sweet home 5:30 p.m.


I didn't take any pictures after I got home because all we did was watch t.v. and I went to bed early so there was not a lot to see. I may skip today(Saturday) and do Sunday instead since I have a whole lotta nothing going on today too.

Well that's my day in a nutshell. Fascinating huh?

Thanks Shannon, for hsoting this again and can't wait to see everyone else's days!

Thankful Friday

O.K. that doesn't have the same flow as "Thankful Thursday" but I just didn't have the time to post yesterday and I figure any day is a good day to be thankful. Right?

So here goes:
I am thankful for my husband. We are sharing a car right now and as much of a pain in the you-know-what that is, he makes a pretty good chauffeur.




I am thankful for Blogger friends. Especially this one. On Monday I received this card in the mail from Kayce and it made my day. Last summer Joe and I sat out on the veranda at a coffee shop with Kayce and her son J and chatted the afternoon away. This was our view the whole time at Capitola Beach. I fell in love with this little beach town and can't wait to go back this summer. Kayce's Mother-in-law drew this illustration. Can you believe how talented she is? I am going to frame this and hang it right by my bed. It makes me happy whenever I look at it.

(Please excuse the poor quality. Cell phone picture again. It really is much more vibrant and beautiful in person)












I am thankful for muscle relaxants. Last week I hurt my back and then on Wednesday I woke up with a stiff neck and couldn't move it at all. I know. I am the most injury prone person ever. I was supposed to drive my Dad to his dental appointment in San Bernardino but I was crying and carrying on so much in so much pain that Joe took pity on me and said he would drive us. Told you he made a good chauffeur. I took a muscle relaxant and then I was like “Pain? What pain?” They make me kind of loopy and quite nauseous so I only took them that one day. So thankful to have had them though! I am thankful for the beautifully sunny weather we have been having this last week.
Lastly, I am thankful for Fridays(Of course!)



What are you thankful for?

Happy Mother's Day

Joe bought me this little plaque from his night job as a Mother's Day present.
We had agreed(yet again) that there would be no presents, so this was a complete surprise to me. Very sweet.
(Cell phone pic. Kinda Crummy)



The other night, after reading my last blog post he turned to me and said

"That is one of my favorite pictures of you. You're right about things being easier back then but that was before we knew about Sophie. I wouldn't trade anything in the world to go back to the time before we found out about her".

He always has a way of putting things into perspective doesn't he?


I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day. I really do mean that. Despite my obvious lack of enthusiasm. :)

Some day I will celebrate this day.

Some day.

Today DeAnn and I are off to drown our Mother's Day sorrows(she lost her Mom too, when she was just 18) in some home made tamales and ***(hopefully)*** a little bargain shopping in the Fashion District of Downtown L.A.

Enjoy your day!


****That is if I can walk. I injured my back last weekend doing a remodel on my Dad's bathroom and I have been hobbling around since Thursday. I am feeling better this morning so our shopping trip is still on.*******





I miss you Mom

Finding Myself

We have this picture hanging in our living room.
Is it self centered to have a picture of yourself hanging in your own living room? Probably.
But that's beside the point.

I really like this picture. It was taken 6 years ago. February, 2003. That year, as an anniversary present for Joe I went to Glamour Shots and had some photos taken. This particular pose was taken more for my friends and family(and myself).

I had some other poses done for Joe but you won't be seeing those here. :)

Anyway, there are many reasons why I like this picture.

First off, I think it's a good picture. It was fun to have taken. They did my hair and makeup and they knew exactly how to pose me so I would look thinner my absolute best.

But more so than the picture itself, the main reason I love it is that it represents what was a very happy time in our lives.

It was before my husband became unemployed. He was teaching a full load of classes at several different colleges and we were hopeful that he would find a full time position soon.

It was before we knew that we would never become pregnant. We were about 9 or 10 months into trying to conceive, and we still had hope that it would happen.

It was before the heartbreaking years of infertility in which we isolated ourselves from friends and family to try and shield ourselves from the pain.

It was before I had to have a hysterectomy.

It was before I had lost my health insurance and had to start paying COB. RA. It was before Joe lost his insurance completely.

It was before I started gaining back all of the weight that I had spent the prior 14 months losing(I am 40 pounds lighter in that photo, which in itself is a whole other Oprah blog post)


I know it's easy to look at a picture and only remember the good stuff. Did we have problems then? Of course we did. That's life. But given the obstacles we have been facing lately that time in our life seems like it was a breeze.

I look at the smiling person in that photo and I wonder where she went. I feel like I kind of lost her somewhere along the way.

The girl in that photo laughed more, worried less and overall just felt better about herself.

The person I have slowly become over the last few years has trouble finding joy in everyday life, worries more than one person should ever have to and hates myself every single day when I look in the mirror.

I need to find the girl that I was in that photo. The one who got lost. I don't know where she went.

I need to find her somehow.

I have decided to start with something I can control, and that's my physical condition and self esteem issues(more about it later). It's not going to happen overnight and it's not going to be easy but I need to do it. And it's a start.

I'm going to take a little break from the blog. Not too long. At least until Mother's Day is over. It's a hard day for me. I don't expect everyone to understand that. That's O.K.

My own Mom is gone. I miss her terribly on Mother's Day.

I really have no idea if when I will ever become a mother myself.

I have nothing but good wishes for the people I know who celebrate it. Someday I will too. But not (again)this year.

Have a great rest of the week and a wonderful Mother's Day. Hug your Moms and your kids that day, if you're able. You are extremely lucky to have them.

That last post was supposed to be a tweet, not a blog post. Oops. My phone is dying so I can't fix it right now.

This is our fourth trip to Home Depot. I am becoming weary.