Saturday, May 26, 2012

I Wish

I wish I didn't still feel so blue.

I wish I blogged anonymously, so I could write about some stuff that is going on and actually post it here instead of writing it and having it sit in my drafts box.

I wish they would hurry up and have the new girl start at work so I didn't have to work ten hour days anymore.

I wish I wasn't so tired.

I wish when I looked in the mirror I liked what I saw,  instead of disliking my body.

I wish I could celebrate the 27 pounds I have lost instead of focusing on the number still to go.

I wish I didn't always feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

I wish something that is bringing some friends profound happiness didn't make me feel sad.  I wish I could be there more to celebrate in their happiness instead of isolating myself so they can't tell I'm sad.

I wish my aunt wasn't sick.  (She is very sick).

I wish I had air conditioning in my car.  It is miserable to drive in if the temp climbs above 80 degrees. Heck, while I am wishing, I wish I could afford a new(used) car.  The one I have is falling apart at the seams.

I wish I didn't have depressive episodes that made me feel like this.  This has been a long one.

I wish I had a three day weekend.  Oh wait-I do!

A three day weekend.  Beautiful weather.  Long bike rides.  Corn on the cob from the Farmer's Market.

All things to be thankful for.  I will try to focus on those things.

I am taking a  little break from FB.  Not a lot of people noticed(LOL). I will be back soon.  I just found it sucking up a lot of my time and decided to step away from it for a bit.  It probably seems kind of dramatic to deactivate my account, but it's the only way I can stay away.  What is it about FB that makes you feel like you *need* to spend time there, even if you are trying not to?

If you could say a prayer for my aunt I would really appreciate it.  She really needs them.

Saturday, May 12, 2012



Out of order, not working properly, contorting, blabbering nonsense, confused, dysfunctional, out of shape and out of mind.
(This definition from the Urban Dictionary, which sums it up perfectly for me)

That's the word of the day.  Or, week rather.

Some might say it's the word that best describes my life.   :)

Lately I am in a constant state of discombobulation.  Say that three times fast.

Another way to describe it:  running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, which if you think about it is quite gross.  Why would a chicken be running around with no head?

Anyway, I digress.

I have been feeling very discombobulated.  Why, you might ask?

Things have been very stressful at work.

We are two girls down and I have been working a lot of overtime.  It's just me and my office manager up front right now, and that simply isn't enough to accommodate the schedules of three doctors and the influx of patients that we deal with on a daily basis.

Add to that the fact that I have not been sleeping, and you get someone who is exhausted.  And discombobulated.  I told you it was the word of the day.   :)

Here are some examples of stupid things I have done out of exhaustion/discombobulation:
I'm going to see how many times I can use that word in this blog post.

Today I got up early to go to a WW meeting only to discover that it hadn't been seven days since my last weigh in(you can only weigh in once per week), so they couldn't "officially" weigh me in, which sucks because I reached a milestone today(two actually) and was supposed to get my keychain and another charm.  Now I have to go to another meeting this week so I can get them.  I did"unofficially"  lose three pounds though, so I am thrilled about that because I have been stuck at the same weight for three weeks now.

Another example of my discombobulation: Twice this week I went  to purchase something, only to realize I had left my wallet at home.  TWICE.

And another:

I almost ran out of gas because for some reason I neglected to see that my gas light was on, and had obviously been for quite some time.

Bah.  I would like a do-over on this whole week please!

Speaking of being understaffed, you know that phrase good help is hard to find? Wow, is it ever true.  We have interviewed 12 people in the last two weeks, and while they did find two people to work in the back, we have yet to find the right person to work up front with us.  I can't believe the amount of people who come in for an interview with NO computer experience(like can't even turn one ON), or are dressed inappropriately(flip flops?? Skin tight skirts and hooker heels?   Really??).  It's partly because we are being very picky about it too.  If you have to sit three feet from someone for 45+ hours per week, you want to make sure you can get along.

Also, just an FYI for anyone looking to land a job working up front, if you come in for an interview and you are totally rude to the girl working up front, who you will be sitting right next to, you probably won't get the job.  Just sayin'.


Things haven't been all bad though.  Last week my boss pulled me into his office, to which my first response was "Oh Crap!' given the fact that three girls have fired in the last 4 months.  He assured me he wasn't asking to see me because of anything bad(thank goodness!) and that instead they thought I was doing a fabulous job and they wanted to give me a raise.  A substantial raise.  I started crying right there in his office. I have been working my ass off, coming in early and staying late and it is so awesome that they saw that and rewarded me for it.  I can't tell you enough how much I love my job!

Other than that, I have been kind of down in the dumps this weekend, with Mother's Day and all.  I know, I know, it's just a day.  It isn't different than any other day.  I get it.  But it makes me sad.  And I am entitled to my feelings, even if you don't agree with them(or think they are stupid).

On Monday I will get up and not think about Mother's Day for another whole year.

But this weekend I feel sad.

I am hoping for a week this week in which I am feeling  less discombobulated(that was five times.  I think I could have done better if I wasn't rushing out the door right now to make it to an appointment).

If you are celebrating Mother's Day, I truly hope you have a wonderful day.

If you aren't celebrating, I totally understand and I wish you lived closer so we could all go out and have a margarita together. Sending virtual hugs to you guys.

P.S. If you are reading this K, please answer my texts.  I am worried about you.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Chin Up Buttercup

This time of year always brings me down.  Mother's Day is a tough one for me.

My mom is gone.

I don't have a child to call me mother.  I probably never will.

It is heartbreaking when you realize that something you wanted your whole life, and have tried to attain for 10 years isn't going to be.

I am really coming to terms with this recently, as many of my friends become closer to referral. I am happy for them(I really am).  But I am sad for myself.

Perhaps it's just a pity party.  Perhaps I should snap out of it.

Or perhaps I should just let the feelings come and allow myself to feel them until they pass(but not while I am at work.  Because crying at work is lame.  Not that I have done that.  I'm just saying that it would be lame to do that).

When I get like this I feel myself retreating and isolating, two things you shouldn't do when you are depressed.  But I do them anyway.  I can't seem to help myself.  *But I am trying not to do them.

So I get up every morning and drag myself out of bed.  Force myself to go to work, and then force a smile while I am there.  Throw myself into work so I forget about feeling sad for awhile, but feel the sadness creep back in on the drive home.

Pretty soon you start to realize that you are feeling sad more than you are not feeling sad.  Such is the nature of depression. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and you don't realize it until BAM-there it is.

One thing I love to do is browse pinterest and find inspirational words.  It is probably annoying for anyone that follows me there because I am a fan of the inspirational words and will pin as many as I can find in one night, flooding their boards with inspirational words.  It's comforting somehow. I suppose there are worse things to be flooding your pinterest boards with than inspirational words, but I get that it can be annoying.

Here's a good one I found to help me through the week:

Here is something I do quite often. Especially when I am in a funk like I am now:

This is a good one too:

But here is one that I have next to my bed:

I will be grateful for this day.  

No matter how sad I am.  No matter how stressful work is.  No matter how crappy I feel.

I will be grateful for this day.

The rest will fall into place and eventually I will stop feeling so sad.  

It is a pattern that I am accustomed to.

Here is a piece of writing that a popular blogger wrote about depression that very much hits home for me.  I cried when I read it. If you have a few minutes, it's worth a read.

**I am forcing myself to work out, and I know that will help.  I am trying to get out of the house and not isolate. Some days are better than others. I will probably step away from the internet for awhile.  At least until Mother's Day is over.

I will be o.k.  This too shall pass.

P.S.  My phone says I am always online on FB, even when I'm not, so if you instant message me there it's not that I am ignoring you.  I just don't see those messages unless I have my phone in my hand.  I wish I could turn off that feature but I can't figure out how.