Thursday, July 21, 2016



I'm the kind of person who can't watch the news because it makes me sad. 

I'm the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve.  

 I'm the kind of person who puts my all into everything that I do, and am disappointed if I can't do it perfectly. 

I'm the kind of person who tries very hard to say what I mean and mean what I say.  

I'm the kind of person who gets very disappointed  in other people when they don't.  

I'm the kind of person who goes all out to plan a beautiful baby shower for a co-worker, then cries a little on the way home because even after all these years it's still hard to oooooh and ahhhhh over all of the cute baby clothes without thinking of Sophie. 

I'm the kind of person who hides in my house all weekend because I don't have the energy to face even one person.  

I'm the kind of person who lies in bed when the alarm goes off some mornings feeling like I don't have the  energy to get out of bed, then gives myself a pep talk until I do. 

I'm the kind of person who often has very dark thoughts on the inside but portrays a happy facade on the outside.

I'm the kind of person who takes things people do or say very personally, even when I shouldn't. 

I'm the kind of person who takes self hatred and self loathing to a new level.

I'm the kind of person who can't let go of past hurts, no matter how hard I try. 

I'm the kind of person who just wants everyone to get along.  

I'm the kind of person who often feels left out. 

I'm the kind of person who lies awake at night and can't sleep because of the terror in the world. 

I'm the kind of person who cries when I'm angry. 

I'm the kind of person who gets their feelings hurt easily.  

I'm the kind of person who has no tolerance for people that spew hate and racism.  

I'm the kind of person who wants to make everyone happy, even if trying to do so makes me stressed and unhappy.

I'm the kind of person who wants to hide under the covers of my bed until this election is over and wonders how I'll ever make it to November.  

I'm the kind of person who wants to shut down my Facebook account almost daily but would miss my friends if I did.  

I'm the kind of person who overthinks things times a thousand.  

I'm the kind of person who feels a million feelings at once, and then nothing at all.  

Sometimes it's so tiring being me, I wish I could be someone else for a just little while.   

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Shed A Little Light

 "So much darkness.  Offer whatever light you can".      
                                                     Sandra Boynton

I miss blogging but I don't take the time to read other blogs.  

I miss writing, but I don't write, aside from two line sentences on Facebook. 

I want to feel better physically, but I struggle with making the right choices nutritionally, or having the energy(or motivation)to move my body daily.  

I want joe to have a different job so we can sleep in the same bed at the same time again, but I'm terrified for him to make a change.  What if they don't give him full time hours? What if his boss doesn't like him?  What if he gets laid off again?(This thought followed by hyperventilation).  His job is stable and they like him there and they give him time off when he asks for it.  So I want him to stay. But I also want him to go because the opposite shift thing is tiring.   

I want to get a second car but I'm worried about having a car payment.  

My life is full of contradictions right now.  

Work is stressful.  It's summer.  It's always stressful in the summertime.  I know this, I've been there almost 5 years(five.years!), it shouldn't come as a surprise. 

But I still let it stress me out.  

I want to be able to accommodate every patient that wants to come see us.  I want patients to be able to get their medications affordably, and if their insurance won't allow it, I want to fight their ins until they can(I win roughly half the time but it's time consuming and frustrating).  I want the drug reps to be happy and get paid because they are people too and have families to support.  I want our doctors to have the perfect schedule.  Not too many patients, but not too few.  (The not too few isn't a problem right now)

I want to make everyone happy.  

I know that it is impossible to do so, but when I can't it makes me stressed.   I need to let that shit go.  I cannot make everyone happy.  I can only do what I can do.  

In addition to the day to day stresses there is the state of the world.  

The world is a scary place right now. 

Hundreds and hundreds of people being killed and injured in Terror attacks.  

People being shot in the street, both civilians and police officers.  

I spend more time than I should pouring over the faces of people who died in the last week alone.  My heart breaks for all of them, but especially for their loved ones. I feel sad a lot of the time.  

Candidates who terrify me vying to be leader of our country.  

I have not been directly affected by any of these scary things as of yet.  I'm safe in my little bubble but sometimes I lie awake at night and think that some day it will reach me.  

Some of that violence and terror could infiltrate my little world eventually, right? And if not, why not?  Why am I the lucky one?

I know that kind of thinking is a dead end street. It serves no purpose. I can't hide away in my little home. I have to live my life, despite the evil and terror in the world. 

But there are days like today, where I hole up in our little house with the curtains drawn where I can't seem to find the courage  to even leave the house to go retrieve something from my car or go pick up the mail. Joe calls it turtling.  

Today I'm turtling.  Pulling my head inside my shell and ignoring the world outside.  
I'm searching for ways to help somehow, even if just a tiny little bit.  Sending gift cards or small donations of money(even just $10) where they are needed.  Hand writing and sending cards to cheer up someone that might need a little brightness in their day. 
It makes  me feel a little less helpless.  Not a lot, but a little.  

Despite all of the above, Joe and I have had some opportunities to visit my sister and get away from it all, which helps. We did a quick weekend trip for Cameron's 8th grade graduation.  Don't even get me started on the fact that he's turning 15. 

Then a couple of weeks later we headed back up for our annual Fourth of July trip to the Russian River with Lisa and a group of her friends.  Had a fabulous time, as usual. I'll spare you the dozens of photos that look the same as the last four years and only leave you with a couple.  

For anyone that needs it right now, I send positive thoughts and a virtual hug your way.  The world is a scary place but I continue to believe that people are mostly good. If we all spared a moment to do one small act of kindness a day the world would be a better place.  I'm gong to try to be better about that.


I'm actively looking for other ways to shed a little light to people in need, if anyone has any links or suggestions for me. 

******Shed A Little Light is my favorite James Taylor song.