This is 55.

 

Well, my 55th birthday is in two days.   

I mentioned in my last post that I am feeling a little ambivalent about it.  Not that I’m not happy to be having a birthday, I’m thrilled to be able to survive another year.  Not everyone gets to do that.  What I mean is that I don’t feel a certain way about it being kind of a “Milestone” birthday.   55.  It feels old to say it out loud, although I realize I am still young.  I have a lot of life ahead of me (God willing).  

Other milestone birthdays have affected me in different ways. My 40th was very hard.  We were in our 5th year of trying to start a family and I felt like a huge failure.  

My 50th I was so excited for.  I was going to have a big party with Lisa and family. I had it all planned out.  

But Covid had other plans, and I spent it with just me and Joe, again.  By the time Covid was over it seemed silly to have a big party.   

55 just feels “Meh”.  

As I look at the last year, I realized how strong I am in the face of health issues, injury, and disappointment.  

I don’t give myself enough credit for being resilient.  A lot of times I beat myself up for not being happy all the time, when I struggle with things. Anxiety and depression get the best of me sometimes and I don’t give myself enough grace around those things. I don’t beat myself over my kidney disease, so I don’t know why I do it over my metal health conditions.   

This year I hope to change the negative self talk.   I need to be kinder to myself.  

I hope to give myself grace when my brain chemicals are off and I’m doing the best I can.  To remember that I am more than my anxiety and that depression lies.  

Depression.  Lies.  

So much.   

I need to shift my focus into not believing the lies.  It’s hard.  

Overall though, I am looking forward to the next year of my life. 

I received a vision board kit for Christmas.  I’ve never done a vision board, but I’ve always been intrigued by them.  

I used a little of the kit materials that came with it,  but mostly printed my own things out, and of course integrated photos into it. It’s the scrapbooker in me.  

Soooo, here’s my vision board. I’m placing it in a spot on my bedroom wall where I see it every night when I go to bed.  

My number one goal on the board for this year  is to find a way to obtain a second car.  Joe and I have been sharing a car and it’s exhausting.  I’m an independent person and to have no control over how I get places is so hard for me.  I have to hitch a ride in the morning with my neighbor (thank goodness I am able to do this).  After work I have to stay an hour after I get off work (sometimes an hour and a half) waiting for Joe to pick me up.  That puts me at work for 10 hours or longer.  It’s not good for my mental health.  On Fridays I take the car and drop him off at work so I can have the car, but I have to get up at 4:30 am to do so, as he starts work at 6:00.  

Like I said, exhausting.  

So I’m putting prayers and intentions into the world that we are able to get another car, by our anniversary in mid February.  It might be a lofty goal, but that’s my goal.  

A trip to see my brother and dad in the springtime is in the works.  It’s been too long.  I have to budget and save my PTO in order to make that work.  

I’d also like to save a little money so we can take a vacation.  It’s been awhile since we had a real vacation.  I’d love to see more National Parks. We also wanted to do Disney again, maybe around the holidays.   

Maybe revisit our move, if that’s in the cards.  If not, that’s ok too.  For now we are happy where we are, even though we were looking forward to a change.  

Mostly though, I’m going to be working on self love, and gratitude and how I can help people in my community more.  

And making more connections, like I mentioned in my last post.  

Thanks to all of you for sticking around. For being my support system.  I’m not sure what I would do without my friends in the computer (and of course my family and in real life friends). 

I am lucky.  

Here’s to another trip around the sun. Here’s to 55.   🍾 🥂