Sunday, April 23, 2017

You've Got A Friend in Me (sort of)

I've been thinking a fair amount about friendships lately. 

I think that I'm not a good friend much of the time.  

I lost a very good friend many years ago(ten plus?)  She said to me once that she felt that if she wasn't the one making the effort to contact me then  I would just kind of let our friendship fade away.  I could totally see how she felt that way, in terms of contact, although I didn't feel that way at all. I loved her and her family.  I never would have let that get away.  I thought friends went through times when they were close and times when they weren't. I didn't realize we had drifted so far apart that we couldn't get back together. 

She decided to end the friendship.  In the end I think it was my emotional instability that made her decide not to be friends with me. My mom had just died and following that we were in the thick of our infertility journey.  I was depressed and sad and I withdrew.  We stopped going to kid's birthday parties.  We stopped socializing at all really.  We were in a lot of pain. 

Actually I'll never really know why she ended it, because she wouldn't give me an explanation beyond "we grew apart" and "I have a lot on my plate right now". It's just speculation. 
Losing that friendship was a type of pain that rocked me to the core.  I don't let too many people in and to be rejected like that hurt more than I thought possible.  

This isn't about her.  That was a long time ago and I've mostly moved past it.  Occasionally I'll get nostalgic and I'll still miss her though.  She was a lovely person.  

It's more about me feeling like  I'm not the easiest person to be friends with. 

I mean, long distance I can be a good friend.  I love to send surprise stuff to people I like in the mail.  I'll love your instagram posts, and comment on your Facebook statuses, and even attend your online "party" for whatever you're selling.  

But in terms of actual human contact, no.  

I probably won't go to your birthday party, or block party, or Tupperware party(do they still do those?), especially if there will be people there I don't know. I'm awkward around strangers.  

Shit I'm awkward around people I know.  

You might  be hard pressed to even get me to meet you for coffee after work, as I prefer to go straight home and not talk to anyone.  I'm on the phone and dealing with people all day and it takes every ounce of energy in me to do that.  

I forget to return texts and fb messages.  

Don't  even bother trying to reach me via phone.  Not gonna happen. 

I hole up in my tiny house on the weekends and it takes a lot of effort on my part to leave.  If we had grocery store delivery I probably wouldn't leave at all, from Friday night until Monday morning. 

I'm a severely introverted person. 
On top of that, Joe is a very good friend to me and most of the time I don't need more than that.  

I can be moody, and sad and/or not feel physically well many days.  

I find it hard to have small talk or talk about trivial things. 

I guess I feel like I'm not the most fun person to talk to/be around, especially after a long day(or week) at work.  

Facebook can be a lifeline for me because it is contact with other people, without actually having to be in contact with them(if that makes sense). 

I have different types of friends on Facebook.  Some don't post at all. Others only post funny videos or memes.  Some are passionate about politics, or animals, or certain diseases they are afflicted with, and post mostly about those things. Others the majority of their posts are about their kids or families.   

But some of my friends share a great deal about themselves on Facebook.  Their lives, their struggles, their health issues. 

Those are the friends I identify with the most.  

Many of those are people I've never met in real life. 

I can only venture to guess that those friends are sensitive people, like me and that's why I relate to them so much. 

I love your stories.  Little snippets of your life, good bad or ugly.  Many of your stories I can relate to and they make me feel less alone if I'm going through or feeling something similar.  

Many of my friends think I share too much online. Actually I would say most feel that way.  Some of them are judgmental.  I share too much(I do), I only share because I want sympathy(sometimes). Mostly I share to feel less alone about some things. There's much to be said about another person saying those feelings you are having are valid, I understand, I get it.  

That's why I love and miss blogging so much.  I miss people's stories.  I miss hearing about the grief you're feeling over the death of your mother. Or how your child is going through a tough time at school, or how you're struggling with keeping your shit together amidst the grief or pain or chaos happening in your life at this moment.

I miss substance, and since I'm low on human contact with my friends that's how I receive it.

That was rambling and kind of went all over the place and I'm not even sure any of it made any sense.

The bottom line is: 

Much of the time I don't feel like a I am a good friend.  

I get caught up in my own issues and don't take enough time to look outside of those.  

I can be self centered. 

I can be a hermit.  

If we're friends, please know that I value our friendship, even if I don't say it(or show it).  

Please don't take it personally if I don't respond to you or am not up to date on what's happening in your life. 

Please don't give up on me.  

You're my friend for a reason and I value our friendship.

P.S. Just wanted to add that I don't blame my friend for ending our relationship. I've had two friendships that I let go, but I did try to rekindle them after a long period of no contact.  I sent their kids something in the mail and I never received a response.  I took that as a clue that it was over. Like I said, I can be a shitty friend but I do try. 

Saturday, February 25, 2017


I just love this quote. It's proven to be very true for me. Let's see, what has been going on since our trip to Disneyland? Had a great Christmas in San Francisco.   No surprise there. We stayed through New Years again, and only came home dragging our feet on the very last day before we had to return to work.  I hate leaving my sister's.

We saw White Christmas on Christmas Eve, played tourist in the city, celebrated our birthdays and New Year's Eve.  Photos appear to be in no particular order.  They got rid of the blogger app for IPad, making this post much more difficult to get up.  

Turned 46.  It was pretty low key.  I don't really have any particular feelings about getting a year older.

It really does become just a number the older I get.
Marched in the women's march.  Not going to say a lot about it, except it was amazing and I'm glad we went.  A lot of people didn't support my participation in that protest, and that's ok. It's easy to sit by and be complacent about the injustices in the world if they either don't affect you in any way or you don't care about how they affect others negatively.   I don't judge those that didn't participate but there certainly was a lot of judging those of us that did.

I'm still doing everything I can to resist the clown that is our current president.
I still can't believe people support this guy.  What an embarrassment.  I have zero respect for those that voted for him.  I'm curious as to what his supporters think about how the rest of the world views our new "leader"(hint: they think he's an idiot).  How unfair it is that we're not giving him a chance?  (Insert eye roll).  The man is a crazy egomaniac.  Many people want to turn a blind eye to that, and as a good friend said yesterday to me on FB, Logic is not the strong suit of people who have already made up their minds.  There has been a lot of name calling of us that don't support him, with the most  popular being "snowflake".  You know what?  I'd rather be a snowflake than an asshole who only cares about money or themselves, which is the driving force behind every order coming from The White House and republicans right now. Enough about that. Thankfully I still have enough likeminded friends to keep me sane.

We spent our anniversary in Lake Arrowhead.   Hiking, long soaks in the jacuzzi tub and pizza by the fireplace in our room.  It was perfect.  We don't have the opportunity to get away very much, just the two of us, on a real vacation and stay in a hotel.  I wish it would have snowed while we were there.  It's snowing this weekend.  That figures.  But we still had a great time.
These two still bring us so much joy and make us laugh every day. I'm ready add to our family by means of a puppy, but joe isn't on. board yet. He will be soon. lol.
They closed down the road I live on for three whole weeks and it was a NIGHTMARE. Omg five and a half hour commutes to and from work. It was truly horrible. So glad that's over.
Ugh. That was a huge pain. This might be the end of my blogging days. I use my iPad exclusively and I just didn't see myself spending this much time and energy putting together a post. Plus the spacing is all wrong and it bugs me. Blogger, you need to bring back the app for Apple. Please.
One last photo, because most of the time I don't feel anything close to pretty, and in this photo I do so I thought I should record that.