Friday, December 30, 2005

Rain Rain Go Away

Yup, it's raining(again!) I think it has only been sunny two days of our 7 day trip. We have 5 days to go, but the weatherman is predicting rain for almost the whole time! Oh well, I'm always complaining that it doesn't rain enough at our house! The house is actually very quiet right now. The Smith family and Dad have gone to the kid's gym for a playdate. I chose to stay home with Joe. We're still in our jammies. We are not accustomed to the busy lives Lisa and the kids lead! We stay home alot. I realize that isn't possible when you have a rambunctious four year old and a two year old, but we don't have any kids(yet), so we're used to having quiet. I figured this was our last chance to get any before Lisa and Scott leave on Sunday night for their cruise. We are planning on going out to dinner tomorrow night to celebrate our birthdays. Tomorrow night is also an anniversary of sorts for Joe and Me. It was at a New Year's Eve party seventeen years ago that we met. We had our first date the next day on New Year's Day. And the rest is history! Joe pointed out a neat little fact to me. Since we met when I was a mere seventeen years old, and we have been together seventeen years, I have been with him the same amount of time that I have s been apart from him. I look forward to many many more years together with him. I love you Joe!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Time flies

It's true what they say about time flying when you're having fun! We've been having a blast in S.F. Yesterday we had a visit from cousins Joyce, Ron, and girls Kristina and Kim. It was good to see them again. I wish we lived closer so we could visit more often. After naptime(Gracie), we headed over to Golden Gate Park to check out the Conservatory of Flowers and Japanese Tea Garden. Both were beautiful. I took a zillion pictures, but have no way of uploading them so I'll have to wait until we get home. After Golden Gate park we headed over to the Embarcadero Center for some ice skating(Lisa and Cameron, then dinner at the Ferry Building. Such a jam packed day of fun! Not sure what's on the agenda for today. Both Joe and I have gift cards that are burning holes in our pockets, so I'm sure we'll find some time for shopping later. Target for me, Barnes and Noble and Borders for him. We still have six more days left of our trip, the last three of which Lisa and Scott will be on a cruise and Aunt Michelle will be in charge. Watch out! Keep me in your prayers those three days! :)
Don't know how often I'll be able to post, so have a happy New Year!

Monday, December 26, 2005

A wonderful Christmas

I can't believe it's over. All that preparation, all the stress, all the money spent, all for one day! Santa was very good to everyone in the Smith household this year. He brought IPods for both Lisa AND Scott, a bat cave, a Batman scooter, and a hotwheels racing set for Cameron, a shopping cart, a dollhouse, and a talking Dora doll for Gracie. I received a new cell phone that has ITunes on it(very cool!), a book I had been wanting, and a pretty new sweater. My favorite present came from Lisa. It was a vreally neat diaper bag. It has a black Asian print, and the best part is that the entire thing is covered in clear plastic, so it can be wiped clean-no need to wash it. Cameron bought a toy for the new baby. He picked it out himself, which is so sweet. In a way it seems odd to be buying baby stuff so soon, before we are even DTC(Dossier to China), but on the other hand it feels perfectly natural. After all, we WILL be having a baby. The pregnancy will just be longer than most! More time to prepare, right? I'm not sure what's on the agenda for today. It finally stopped raining, and looks like a beautiful day outside. I'll try to post every couple of days.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Safe Travels

We made it safely to our Christmas destination, despite a 45 minute delay on the runway due to fog. I was exhausted, after running around town like crazy, getting the dogs settled in at Dad's, cleaning the house, buying one more last minute gift(are you ever really DONE shopping?), and packing for a two week trip. Got to bed at midnight, and up at 5:00 a.m. in order to be at the airport by six. I'm ready for a nice, relaxing day, getting ready for Christmas Eve. Not that we have much planned today. Maybe a trip into the city, drive around and see some Christmas lights, then church for me and Joe tonight. Tomorrow is when all the excitement happens. First Santa, then a huge Christmas breakfast, followed later by a huge Christmas dinner! I'm not sure how often I'll be posting, as we don't have our laptop, and Lisa keeps us pretty busy during the day! Have a very Merry Christmas!

Surgery update: The stitches came out on Thursday. It didn't hurt at all, thank goodness! I'm still having some pain at the incision sight on the right side, so I'm not sure what that's about. 10 days post surgery I really shouldn't be having much pain at all. If it continues I'll have to see the doctor when I get home.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Almost back to normal

I'm finally starting to feel better. Almost normal. I can hardly wait to get the stitches out tomorrow. They are itchy and irritating me like crazy. It looks like some of the skin has grown over them, so it is going to hurt like heck to get them out. Oh well, what's a little more pain? I was about to go to bed fifteen minutes ago, when something horrifying happened. Joe thinks it is funny. I think it is horrifying. I went into the bedroom to take my sleeping pill, like I do most nights. I turn the corner to go into the bathroom, flip on the light, and reach for the bottle, which is sitting on the shelf right above the toilet. As I reach for it, I look down into the toilet and see.....a snake!!!! A huge snake, it's whole body wound around the toilet seat, and its head in the toilet! Of course I begin immediately screaming at the top of my lungs. I had to have woken the neighbors upstairs, and probably the ones next door too. I'm surprised no one called the police, I was screaming so loud! So Joe comes running into the bedroom to see what's the matter, and starts laughing as soon as he sees what I am screaming about. He turns to me and says, "Oh, I wonder how he got out?" You see the snake is HIS. It lives in an aquarium in our bedroom, but I make him cover it with a sheet because I can't stand looking at it. Most of the time I forget we even have it. In fact, when I saw it in the toilet, it didn't even register that it lived here. I was just so freaked out to see a snake in the toilet! That snake is NOT living in our bedroom anymore! He is coming out immediately! Do you have any idea what I would have done if that thing was found in our bed? (Shudder). In fact, I think we need to have a talk about how having reptiles is not a good thing when you have kids, and maybe Mr. Snake needs a new home! I'm going to bed now, probably to have violent nightmares about snakes in my bed. Good night!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Feeling better

I'm finally feeling better. I'm not sure if that was the stomach flu or what, but boy am I glad it's over! Not too much pain. The "big hole" on my right side is causing most of my discomfort right now. I can't wait to get the stitches out on Thursday, as they are itching like crazy. I finally left the house today. Joe drove me down to my work place so I could drop off some bracelets that had been ordered before my surgery(the last ones-whew!). The kids seemed really happy to see me. That made me feel good. Sometimes it's hard to tell if they even notice you are gone! I also had quite a large bag full of presents to take home, and that cheered me up considerably. Who doesn't love presents? I had an impromptu visit from my Aunt and Uncle yesterday too, which also aided with the cheering up process. Thanks for coming to see me! :) I still get tired pretty easily, so I'm off to bed now, but I hope to get a bunch of stuff done tomorrow, if I'm still feeling good.

Monday, December 19, 2005


It's three O'clock in the morning, and here I am, posting to my blog, so you probably think things aren't going so well. The truth is, things are doing O.K. I just can't sleep. I went to bed with a bit of a fever last night, but judging by the wetness of my sheets, it has broken now. I'm glad, because the fever had Joe totally freaked out. The "hole" on my right side came un-bandaged, and boy is it ugly. It is roughly the size of a quarter, with 4 large jagged stitches holding it together. So much for a neat little scar. I can see now why it has been causing me such pain. It is quite bruised at the incision site, and the bruising extends an inch or two in towards the belly button. It really is the main source of my pain right now. I stopped taking the Percocet and am only taking the Tylenol for now. I caught a little of Joe's cold, so I have a lot of Phlegm that I'm trying to cough out, and THAT hurts. That's one of the main reasons I had to get up. I can't stop coughing while I'm laying down, and it just hurts too much to cough anymore. During my last surgery, I went back to work on day six, which would be Tuesday. There's no way that's going to happen this time. I am simply in too much pain to go back to work. We have only a three day work week anyway, until Christmas break, so they'll be alright without me a couple more days. I have to do what's right for me right now. I don't often do that. I have so much to do before we leave on Friday. It's a bit overwhelming. Joe won't be around much these next few days, as he has one last final to give today, and then he has only two days to turn in his grades for the semester. Two days! That's so crazy. He teaches 7 classes, with an average of 15-25 in each class. That's between 105 and 175 grades he has to complete in just two days. AND he doesn't even get paid for his time. Don't get me started on his job. We'd be here all day! I'm going to try and get back to bed now. I think I will start to feel better with each passing day.(I pray)

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The sun is peeking out

Sorry, I know that's corny, but hey I did end my last post with "All I see are dark clouds". I'm feeling a little better today. Thank goodness for small miracles. The pain has subsided substantially, at least for now. I'm going to try and leave the house today, if even just to go get the mail. I have cabin fever big time. Plus, I don't know if it is the medication or what, but I am always hot. I mean the kind of hot where sweat is dripping down your face and back, you are ripping the sliding door open as fast as you can while screaming "Turn the heat down!" The more hot I get, the more nauseous I feel, so it is imperative that I cool down quickly. Yesterday I went and sat out on the front steps, crying and hunched over in pain, and trying not to throw up. The neighbors got a good show! Of course Joe is just coming down off of a nasty cold, so he is secretly turning the heat UP and closing the slider. I think he is ready for me to feel better. Soon. I remember back a few weeks ago when the doctor's office called and told me my surgery would be on the 14th. I remember thinking "Oh, right before Christmas. That will actually be good. I can recover in my very festive house, drink hot chocolate, and listen to Christmas Carols while I enjoy my extra week off from work." Why is it that nothing ever goes the way you had it planned in your head? Being sick during Christmas has done nothing but make me feel sad and crazed at the same time. While other people are out enjoying the holiday season, here I am, stuck in bed. And while I am laying here, I'm thinking about the ten thousand things I still have to do before Christmas, which is SIX DAYS AWAY. I still have some shopping to do, I have wrapped nothing, and I have to do laundry and pack for a two week trip to San Francisco. I also have to figure out how I am going to get the presents I did buy up there in my suitcase, since I never got around to sending them through the mail. I bummed too, because Joe and I had tossed around the idea of going to Disneyland sometime this week. No, we weren't going to go on any rides. We were just going to soak up the Christmas spirit.(Which I am in dire need of right now), Maybe see the parade. Well, Joe sat down to look at the budget last night, and it isn't going to happen. I seriously don't know how families afford to go there! It's over a hundred dollars just for the two of us! I guess I'll just have to soak up the Christmas spirit here at home. I was planning on asking Joe for a yearly pass for my birthday, so maybe we can go then. At least I'm feeling a little bit better today, and hope to feel even better tomorrow.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Are we having fun yet?

The answer is still NO. I wish I could say that angry Michelle from the earlier post was gone, but she just isn't. I don't think I've ever been in this much pain. ever. I'm ready for it to start abating now. I think I've been punished enough. Oh yeah, I was going to tell you why my post-op appt. didn't go as well as we had hoped. First off, he says he "got a few nerves", but certainly "not all of them". And do you know WHY he didn't get them all? Because there was so much other stuff in there to deal with that it(the surgery) simply went on too long. He says I "should" get some relief from the nerves he did get, but we might have to go back in at a later point. WHAT?! NO!!! I don't care how long the surgery was getting, the main goal was to cut the nerves, and they couldn't even accomplish that much? Disappointed doesn't even begin to explain how I am feeling. I just want to cry. Actually, I did cry, but it hurt my stomach too much and I had to make myself stop. This surgery HAS TO WORK. I can't be in pain anymore. I can't. I'm too tired. How can I have a one year old and be in pain? I should have just had them take everything out. My insides aren't doing me any good anyway. The other bit of bad news he had for me was that my left ovary and left tube are folded over on themselves and he was unable to free them(again, due to time constraints). In other words, there is simply no possibility of becoming pregnant while ovulating on that side. That cuts out chances in half, from whatever weak odds we had before. I wish I had known this before they went in. This means the chances of me needing to have another surgery in the next 3-4 years is pretty likely. I'm in so much pain and so beaten down right now, I think I'd better just stay off the blog for awhile. Maybe when I start feeling better I'll see the silver lining. Because right now all I see are dark clouds.

Still not having fun

Here I am, three days past surgery and still feeling like someone beat the heck out of me. I'm sure I was feeling better at this stage last time. I don't know, I just wish I was feeling better now. I had my post-op appt. yesterday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. First, I was flying HIGH on Percocet. I have to give that stuff credit, because I was feeling no pain, but I was seriously out of it. I fell asleep while they were taking my blood pressure, and then again on the table waiting for the doctor.
I almost smacked the nurse when she said "Are you still a little sore?" WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THIS TO ME? OF COURSE I AM SORE YOU MORONS! Do you want to see the rather large punctures in my stomach?(3 of them). Or perhaps you'd like to see the pictures they took of the nasty stuff that was growing inside of me and how my organs were STUCK TOGETHER!? Or maybe you would like to see the thick, blackish stuff that has been steadily oozing out of me over the last three days. Would seeing any of those things make you stop asking me stupid questions like "Are you still a little sore?" Sorry. I am in one bad mood. And in a lot of pain. A lot. of. pain. It turns out, just for added fun, I have a raging bladder infection. So add to all those other symptoms severe burning when I pee. Yay! I'm going to take my pain meds now, and try to get back to bed. I'll post more later on how the post-op didn't go exactly how I was hoping.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Surgery went well, but two days after not so much fun

Well, Joe promised me he was going to post for me last night, but as he is in the middle of giving his last few finals, I guess he was too busy. He's been so wonderful to me these last few days, that I forgive him. From what I understand, the surgery was deemed a success. I'm getting all of this second hand. I'm told the doctor also told me these things, but hello, I was just coming out of anesthesia and remember nothing but PAIN. When they went inside and had a look, apparently it wasn't pretty. The endometriosis was growing everywhere, much worse than the last two times. Both my ovaries were completely stuck(adhered) to my pelvis. In addition, portions of my bowel were adhered to my ovaries. I also had a rather large(doctor's words) blood filled cyst. These are called chocolate cysts because they look like big blobs of chocolate. My doc had to drain the blood out of it, then cut the "shell" off and remove it(Gee, it's starting to sound like an M&M!). Then they lasered out all of the black, yucky, endo, and finally, cut all of the nerves they could see/get to. The doctor told Joe I must have been in a extraordinary amount of pain. Uhhhhh......Yeah. See people, I'm not making this stuff up:) Even though I was NOT looking forward to spending the night, boy am I glad I did. Before I went in the doc had said he would be giving me Percocet and maybe Demerol if I needed it. After I came out and told the nurse how much pain I was in(an eight on a scale of one to ten), she said "Ill be right back with the Morphine". Even in my fuzzy state of mind I remember thinking "Did she say Morphine? Oh Yeah." Can I just say for the record "Morphine Rocks!" I don't know what I would have done without it, because even with it, I could only lie flat on my back and not move AT ALL without being in excruciating pain. They also wouldn't let me eat this time(still not sure why), so I was starving, lying on my back NOT sleeping from 8:00 at night until 6:00 in the morning when Joe came to rescue pick me up. As soon as I got home I went straight to sleep, for four or five hours at least. I was having a lot of pain, but it was manageable with the Percocet. Most os th epain was coming from one of the incisions on my right side. The nurse said that was one of the spots they had to jam(yes, she actually said "jam") one of the metal rods into my abdomen, and also move it around quite a bit to see what they were doing. Ouch! I have my post-op appt. in about an hour, and I need to go lie down because being upright even this long makes me tired. Thanks to everyone who called/e-mailed to see how I was. Thanks to my friend Monica for the beautiful flowers too! If you called and I seemed a little grouchy, I apologize. I'm having more pain today than I did yesterday(probably because the anesthesia had worn off now). I find it especially hard to field a bunch of questions. I start to feel very overwhelmed. Joe has found this out several times and has learned to only ask a couple at a time so he doesn't get his head bitten off. I'll try to post more later, after my doctor's appt. and a nap.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Ready or not, here it comes

Today's the day. In about seven more hours I'll be in surgery. I'm actually pretty calm right now. Ha! Check back with me later:) Is it just sad that I got up at 6:00 a.m. to eat a bagel and have a cup of coffee and then went back to bed? I was so excited when the doctor said I could eat a little something, as long as it was early (O.K., that sounds pretty sad!). Last time they didn't let me eat, and my surgery was at the same time(2:00). I was starving! Then the surgery was postponed two and a half hours, and I was miserable. At least this time I'l have a little bit of food in my stomach.
Here are my new post-op pajamas. I just love the print. Is it me, or if you look close enough, does it have a little bit of an Asian flair? I think they are cherry blossoms. I can't wait to wear them. I also got these cozy fuzzy socks.
They are sooooo soft, and of course I got pink too, to go with my jammies. Also, note the sexy lace trim on the P.J.'s. Just in case I'm feeling pretty good and Joe and I want to get busy on trying to get pregnant right away. Ha ha ha ha(sorry, there is a lot of laughter in my head right now!) Ummm.....NOT! That was actually my least favorite part of them, but I really liked the print(and the pink), so I bought them anyway. I'm just killing time until we have to leave for the hospital.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Our Little Reindeer

Here are some pictures of our doggies wearing the reindeer antlers I borrowed from Lisa. Thanks, Cameron, for letting us borrow them! I think Tessie(the brown dog) makes a great reindeer! The other dog always looks drugged in photos, and this picture is no exception! What would I do if I didn't have animals to torture and humiliate?

Tomorrow is the big day

Well, this is it. My last night before the surgery. I would be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit freaked out. And Joe is gone tonight teaching a final. Not good. I have too many thoughts in my head, and shouldn't be alone with them for too long. We had to stop watching Grey's Anatomy a quarter of the way through because they kept showing people in surgery and I kept asking "Am I going to look like that"? "Are they going to be doing that to me?" Joe decided it was best for me to stay away form the medical shows, at least for the time being. Hey, he should be happy I'm not watching "When Anesthesia Fails" on the Discovery Channel like I did two day before my last surgery! I have been banned from the Discovery Channel completely until after my surgery. Joe should be home soon from school, after he goes to the store to get the list of things I gave him. The following is my list of demands requests I have made to help my recovery go more smoothly.

1. Get the Percocet filled BEFORE the surgery, not on the way home(like my first surgery)
2. A bottle of Tylenol. We're all out, and I might need it between Percocets.
3. A heating pad. This is a necessity! It really helps with the pain, and I lost mine while visiting Lisa this summer.
4. Bagels and cream cheese. This is the only thing I feel like eating when I am not feeling good.
5. Orange juice and Gatorade. Have to stay hydrated you know.
6. An assortment of hot teas with fresh lemon and honey. I swear this helps with the cramps.
7. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. Just because I want it.
8. Magazines.
9. Chicken Noodle Soup, because one cannot live on bagels alone.

I think that was it. I already bought myself some new jammies and fuzzy socks. Now I just have to wait for the anesthesiologist to call and go over the procedure(again!) I did talk to the surgery center today, and they're making me spend the night, even though my doctor said it wasn't necessary as long as I had my hideous machine at home, which I do. The nurse wouldn't budge though, and said it was for my own safety that I stay the night, even though I don't want to. I hate spending the night in the hospital. I simply cannot sleep. And since I stayed at the out-patient center(and will be again), I was the ONLY patient there and the nurses went to sleep! When I had to go to the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning, I called and called, and nobody ever came! I ended up getting out of bed and going by myself! I wish I could come home to my own cozy bed. I am going to be exhausted by Thursday. I told Joe that if something should happen to me, he should still go to China and get Sophie. I know it is HIGHLY unlikely that anything will happen, but you just never know. I was really bummed when Lisa told me China won't let single men adopt. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to get better quick and go with him to get her. Well, Joe's home now, so I should be going. I'll try to post tomorrow before we leave. The surgery's not till two.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

My house(apartment) is festive

For the first time in many years, we decided not to get a Christmas tree. With my surgery on the 14th, and leaving on the 23rd for two weeks, it didn't seem feasible. To make up for not having a tree, I decided to really deck the place out with decorations. There are lights, garlands, candles, figurines, etc. covering every square inch of our apartment. It totally made up for the fact that we didn't have a tree, except for the wonderful smell of the pine, but I find that candles work just as well for this. Well today my husband came home with this. It is made from fresh pine boughs, it smells wonderful, and I love the cross! It's official, my husband is wonderful! So now I don't miss the tree at all! Here are some more pictures of the festivity of my house:

Holiday Craziness

I know I've been pretty lax about posting lately. The main reason is I haven't gotten home before 7:00 p.m. for the last five nights. By the time we have dinner, I take a shower and try to finish five million bracelets I have to make, there just isn't time. The other reason is that my husband and I are fighting over sharing our home computer again. i'd forgotten what it was like to have to make an appointment to check my e- mail, because he is constantly on it! His lap top broke at Thanksgiving, and we haven't even had the time to have it looked at yet. And of course, since he is using his for work, he gets to use it whenever he wants. I've tried to explain to him that it is imperative that I be able to check my blogs in order to keep my mental state in tact, but he is isn't going for it. The third reason for so few posts is that this has been the month from hell, pain-wise. I've been up since four, in and out of the bathtub. Nothing seems to be working. I may have to break out the Percocet the Doc gave me for after the surgery. I'm sad because I didn't make it to church, and this was the last weekend I was going to be able to go until after we come back on the fourth of January. I'm really going to miss it. Well, I have to at least pick up around here, as I need the house to be clean when I'm recovering from my surgery. Nothing is more depressing than not feeling good and laying around in a dirty house(at least for me).

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Not the best day ever, but certainly not the worst

Today started out not so great. It began like many other days, with severe pain, followed by throwing up, followed my a severe migraine type headache. I say migraine "type" because I didn't have any of the symptoms I usually have that lead up to a migraine. A migraine could account for the upchucking, but I do this every month around this time, so it's hard to say. Work is extremely stressful right now. The kids are hyper(Darn Christmas!), and I'm working overtime to get things ready for my absence. It was so crazy there yesterday, I actually started looking forward to having the surgery and a little peace!
I also burst out crying today when I found out one of our Moms is pregnant(again!). Here's my side of the story, just so you don't think I am an overemotional crazy woman. You might think that anyway, but here goes: One of our moms that I haven't seen in awhile(about six months) came into our building to use the bathroom. I've known her for a long time(like 6 years), and both of her daughters, ages 7 and 10 came to us when they were smaller. She was pushing her six month old baby girl in the stroller, and she asked me to keep an eye on her while she went into the restroom. I didn't want to be rude, so I went and stood over by the stroller and she went into the restroom. I leaned down and smiled and cooed at the baby, like a normal person would. I handled the situation very well up until that point. Finally she came out of the restroom and went over to the sink to wash her hands. I hadn't gotten a good look at her yet, as she was facing away from me most of the time. After washing up, she turned towards me. I was surprised to see that she still had quite a stomach on her, as she was always a very slim person and the baby was 7 months old. It seemed odd to me that all of her baby weight was still so concentrated around her belly(Man, I'm an idiot!). She collected her baby and left the building and I turned to my boss and said "That's strange", to which my boss answered "What is?" And I said, "It's strange that her baby is seven months old and she still looks so pregnant." I was turned away from her when I said this, so when she didn't reply right away I looked at her to see if she had heard me. She was looking at me with a strained look on her face. Naively I asked "What?", still not getting it. She replied. "Wellll..... That's because she IS pregnant." "WHAT?!! I replied(quite loudy, I might add). You mean she has three girls already, one of which is only seven months old AND she's five months pregnant?" It was at that point that I burst into tears and exclaimed "That's just not fair!" Another co-worker kindly said to me " Well, Michelle, life isn't fair." I quickly went in to the restroom myself to keep myself from punching her in the face compose myself. It took me a few mintutes to gain control of my emotions. Shortly after that conversation I left work to go to my Pre-Op appt. for the Big Scary surgery. I was then subjected to a waiting room full of pregnant women, most of them leaving the office with cute little ultrasound pictures. The appointment itself went well(more on that later), but all in all I was feeling just a little bitter and teary eyed and was glad to get out of there. Imagine my dismay when we get all the way to the car only to realize I had left my sweater in the examination room. So we start the long trudge up the hill towards the medical building again, and just before we get on the elavator I exclaim(again, quite loudly) "I don't want to go back up there with all of those stupid pregnant women!" As we board the elavator, two people that had apparently been standing directly behind us got on with us. It was a man with his visibly pregnant wife, and they had obviously heard what I had said. Of course they were going to the same office we were. Nice. Now I'm the infertile woman who has issues. We went in , retrieved my sweater and quickly got the heck out of there. Don't worry, I have therapy in a few days and I'll try to work through some of these anger issues. Really. I will.

P.S. The reason this wasn't one of my worst days. After having a meltdown over the pregnant Mom at work, my boss chooses that exact moment to tell me that her Cancer is back. She has three brain tumors. They are going to do radiation on the 16th. Yes, I may have had a rotten day, and I may not be able to conceive a child, but I don't have Cancer. And for that I am thankful.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been seriously busy. And today I did not feel well. At all. I'm having a lot of pain. I should have known this was coming. The last two months have actually been bearable, so I was due for a bad one. I take hope in the fact that this may be the last month I have to feel this way. I pray so hard that this is true. Seven days until the Big Scary Surgery. I'm getting pretty nervous. Only the fact that I have been so busy has kept me from freaking out more than I am. I have been selling my jewelry to the parents at work. They are selling like hot-cakes! This is good from a financial standpoint(At least a little money for Christmas), but I have been beading bracelets non-stop for the last two nights. I've been beading until my eyes are bleary and the tips of my fingers are sore. I have completely run out of supplies. I'll be making an other trip to the Gem Faire this weekend, so I can fill all of my orders before the surgery. I came straight home from work today, got into the bath tub, and then into my pajamas. In my pajamas at 4:00 in the afternoon! It's crazy. I'm feeling better now. I hope it stays that way.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


I've been incredibly busy for the last couple of days. Saturday Dad and I went to the Originals Holiday Gift show.. It was formerly called the Harvest Festival(which I liked better. Not sure why they changed it). I have been attending this annually for the last 18 years. I started going with my Mom when I was 16 or 17. I don't think I missed more than on or two years in the last eighteen. It is a lot of fun, and very festive. I got quite a bit of Christmas shopping done. From there I went right to another Pampered Chef Party(I went to one last month too). Today I went to Church, then headed off to another Pampered Chef party, this time to sell my jewelry. I've been going to so many because a friend of mine is just starting out as a consultant and I am supporting her. I sold three bracelets and two pairs of earrings, so it was worth the trip. I've just arrived home and I'm tired so I'm hitting the shower and then Jammies before I hit the sack and get up to start a another week. Only 10 days left until the Big Scary Surgery! Time flies!

Friday, December 02, 2005

On the verge of a cold

Well, I finally caught it. That cold that's been going around for the last three weeks. The kids all had it, then all my
coworkers had it. I was feeling fine and thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't gotten it, when my husband came down with it the day before Thanksgiving. I knew then it was only a matter of time. It's not too bad as of yet. Sore throat, sniffles, and slight fever. I think that's why I've been so tired. Hopefully it won't turn into anything too bad. I'm glad to be getting it out of my system now, before the Big Scary Surgery. Only 12 days to go. Twelve days before they stick a camera in through my belly button and cut all the nerves inside my lower abdomen. I'm not freaked out by this. Not at all. No, really, I'm not. If I keep repeating this over and over to myself, it will be true!(Right?)

P.S. I called my therapist yesterday, all teary eyed and freaked out about the "funk" I was in on Wednesday. I was afraid that me feeling that way meant I wasn't ready to move on to adoption. That I still had serious infertility issues to work through before we adopted a child. She reassured me that the feelings I was having were completely normal for someone who has been through as much as I have in the last four years. It's natural to grieve over the inability to become pregnant. It's normal to feel sad and bitter, and neither of these feelings will affect our choice to adopt. After all, Joe and I talked about adoption ten years ago, long before we decided to start trying. It has always been something close to both of our hearts. So it is perfectly fine for us to move on with the adoption process and grieve our loss at the same time. I think I knew this all along, but it felt good too have those feelings validated, especially by a mental health professional!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

A better day

I'm feeling much better today. I seem to have pulled myself out of my "funk"(at least for now). I had dinner with my infertility group tonight. I am so lucky to have them. We have such a great time when we get together, and they are the only people that truly understand the pain I have been feeling for the last four years. I wish we got together more often!