Saturday, May 31, 2008

3 Words

Here are my three words for the week. I'm bummed I missed last week due to the internet issues. But I'm back this week and here are the three words that best sum up my week:

New Do

I got my hair cut on Wednesday. It was long over due. I hadn't had it cut since November and it was dead and dry at the ends. My husband only wanted me to "get a trim" and take off only about an inch. What is it with guys and long hair anyway? I knew that I had waited far too long for "just a trim", but I decided to keep it longish by having maybe two inches cut off and buy a really good conditioner to see if it would help with the dryness. So off I went on Wednesday to have it cut.

I told the stylist I wanted to take a couple inches off, but would still like it to be shoulder length.

Here it was before I got it cut:
It is so dead and dry on the ends. Yuck. And Dude. I need a tan.

Here is what I was thinking I wanted the length to be:
Although now I see that the length here is actually slightly longer than shoulder length. I am loving the color of my hair in that picture. I wish I could afford to have it professionally colored on a regular basis.

Here it is now:

The jury is still out on it for me. It is much shorter than I imagined it would be. But I do admit that when I sit up straight, it does touch my shoulders. Barely. So I can't fault the stylist for it being shorter than I anticipated. I did say "shoulder length". I was sure Joe would hate it. He says he likes it. I'm not sure if he's saying that just to be nice or not, which is totally something he would do. He typically is not a fan of short hair. I guess there's nothing to be done about it now. It's just hair. It'll grow back. Right?

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try and step away from the adoption wait for now and focus on the here and now.  Nothing I do or say will change the length of time we have to wait for Sophie.  We just have to ride it out and pray for the best.  Thanks for the comments and suggestions on my last post. I think at this point truly the only thing keeping me sane is the fact that I have people who have been there/are going down the same path to lean on.  I don't know what I would do if it weren't for you guys.  I would feel totally isolated and alone(I love you man!). O.K.  Moving on.

It's thankful Thursday again!  Here's a couple of mine.

1. Thank you Ge.orge for the tax rebate check. It finally did arrive at our house, almost two weeks late.  Unfortunately, we will not be able to use it to help the failing economy like you had hoped.  No, the entire check went to pay past due bills that have been piling up since my husband lost his job five months ago.  No shopping sprees for us. But we are grateful to have received it. Thanks.

2.  I am thankful my husband has found a new job and has been working full time for the last two weeks. That means we'll get a paycheck next week that will help greatly with the hole we have fallen into.  

3.  It just so happens that my husband is working for a very large retail corporation that provides excellent benefits for both himself and family.  After six months, he can begin receiving those benefits and I can switch over to his insurance plan, which is better than the one I am on now.  It will also provide healthcare for our child when she comes home.  He isn't even eligible for health benefits at the university where he teaches since they keep him just below the full time course load and he hasn't been able to obtain a full time position.  In addition to the awesome health benefits, they offer an adoption reimbursement of $5,000.00 to employees who choose adoption to grow their families.   This is will be an unbelievable and amazing blessing for us after we bring Sophie home.  This job has answered more than one of our prayers.

4.  Tomorrow is Friday already. Short weeks rock!

5. Only 24 more days until we go camping in Big Sur and meet up with Kayce and family.  Yahoo!!!!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

That last post had more of a negative vibe than I had planned on.   Some days of this wait are better than  others.  Yesterday was one of the harder ones.  Today is better.  It was good that I forgot our LID day. It means I'm not obsessing over them like I used to.  When we got our letter from our agency 19 months ago telling us we were (finally) DTC, it said we could expect to wait between 12 and 18 months.  We now know it will be much(much) longer than that. A huge topic of discussion in our house in the last two months has been whether or not we should try to switch to the special needs program.  Serious discussion.  Long, drawn out, stay up until midnight, soul searching discussion.  And we have come to a decision.  We will stay with the Non-special needs program and wait.  As long as it takes.  I have to believe this will happen. Eventually.  At the end of the day, there weren't enough good reasons why we should switch. Getting a child faster is not a reason.  We both feel we aren't ready emotionally, physically, or financially to support a child with a medical special need.   We are fully aware that our child will have her(or his?) own special needs, simply from living in an institution for the first part of her(his?) life.  Anything above and beyond that we're just not sure we could handle as first time parents.  We have to have faith that we're on the right path.  I just pray that things speed up at least slightly because I'm not sure I can wait another three years.  I'm already seriously considering taking down the nursery. For now.  We will have plenty of time to put it back together.  But we live in a very small space and right now that room is just sitting empty, waiting for a child that feels very far away.   Very, very far away.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

19 months

I totally missed our 19 month LID-aversary when I was offline. Totally forgot about it! I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad one.........I'm gonna go with good. Possibly I forgot because we were so busy and the month flew by?

Maybe the next two years will fly by without me noticing too? Ha. Ha. I crack myself up.

The more months that go by the farther away this whole adoption feels.
I let my husband start piling junk up in the baby's room again and I have pretty much barricaded the door. I just can't bear to go in there.

19 months. It is what it is.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Catching Up

I'm Baaaa-aack!  Did ya miss me?  'Cause  I sure missed you all.  Here's what's been going on since I was last able to check in.

I learned I am addicted to the Internet.  Seriously.  I might need a 12 step program.   I had major withdrawals for like two days before I finally stopped obsessing about When. the Internet. was. going.  to come.  back. on.   

I also learned that there are many other things one can do when they are not compulsively on the Internet. Like read books!  And digital scrapbook!  And have a movie marathon all day in my pj's with my husband. And go bargain shopping in L.A. with a friend and find the best. tamales. Ever.  And eat them until you are in a food coma(Thanks D!).  And go to the movies!  

Hmmmm..what else has been going on since I've been gone. Lots of bad stuff. Not for me, but for others.  Like the death toll continuing to rise in China.   I have become slightly obsessed with looking at photos of the damage there.  I don't know why, as it makes me so sad.  My co-worker found these pictures of a couple whose wedding was interrupted by the earthquake.  The pictures are eerie.  But as awful as that must have been, they have to be grateful because they're still alive.  And so many aren't.

And then there's the destruction in Myanmar.  Also very sad.

Not to mention the loss of the Chapman family's little girl.   This one saddened me so much I cried for an hour.   Many years ago I had to attend a funeral for a little boy who died the same way.  His  mother was a good friend of mine. She took her four year old son for a bike ride around the neighborhood.  She was following shortly behind him with her younger son in a stroller.  A teenage boy driving an SUV backed out of his driveway and struck little Joshua as he rode his small bicycle on the sidewalk.  The driver backed completely over him, bike and all, with all four tires of his SUV.  He didn't stop until my friend pounded on his passenger side window, screaming hysterically.  He said he never felt or heard anything.  Possibly because his radio was too loud and the car was too large.  The little boy died in my friend's  arms before the ambulance even arrived.  It was the saddest funeral I have ever attended  in my life.

To this day I never back my car up without looking behind the car.  Never.

Every SUV should be equipped with either a back up camera or a large mirror mounted on the back window. Every single car.  This tragedy happens far more often than people are aware of.  The statistics that I found here are sobering.

So it was kind of a sad week.  Probably a good week for a break from the computer.  I'm so glad to have the use of my computer again though.  And tomorrow is Tuesday already, and I only have to work one day and then I get a day off.  That pretty much rocks.  

I better get going. That was kind of long and my hubby has to go to work in about an hour so I need to spend time with him before I go.  

Next time I'll tell you how my husband's new job is going.  The graveyard shift.  It's tough.

Oh, and don't forget to take a minute to remember those that died(and are still dying) for us.   Because that's important too.

Technical difficulties-no Internet. Be back later.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Journeywoman posted this great MeMe, so I'm playing along.

Here's the deal: Go to this site and keep refreshing the page until you find five quotes that speak to you and post them here. I'll admit that I had to refresh the page about twenty times, but I found way more than five that spoke to me. Here are the five that I liked the most:

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.
Comte de Buffon (1707 - 1788)

This one is my favorite!

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)

Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness.

Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)

Giving is a necessity sometimes... more urgent, indeed, than having.
Margaret Lee Runbeck

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)

Let me know if you play along!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


Oh my Gosh, I just had one of these

And now I am addicted. It's a "Go.diva Bel.gian Blends" coffee beverage. French Vanilla Latte flavor.
It was sooooo good. Way better than the similar item that Star.Buck's sells. Like dessert in a bottle(with the added bonus of a little caffeine, for that extra kick, which I so need right now)

I have never seen them before. I bought it at the little cafe at the college where my husband teaches. Only tonight is his last class until the Fall, so we won't be coming here again until late August.


What am I gonna do? I must. have. more.

I'm off to G**gle it and see where (else) I can purchase this heaven in a bottle! :)

Sunday, May 18, 2008

For Kayce

I made this book for Kayce. If you read her site, you know that her dog Molly is dying of Cancer. I am so sad for her. I cried making this book. I think it brought up all of the feelings from last summer when our Tess was rapidly deteriorating and finally died. I hope it brings her happy memories and doesn't make her feel sad every time she looks at it. I had to totally stalk her blog to get all those pictures. I mean I had to spend hours on it, going back through the archives and downloading every picture I could find. I could only find the one picture that had Kayce(and one of the dogs) in it. Probably because like me, she's always the one with the camera!

So Kayce, this is for you. It will be in the mail and on it's way to you on Monday.
I'm sorry about Molly. So very sorry..........

Front Cover:

This is the back of the book. I am going to print out the poem "The Rainbow Bridge" on some vellum(opaque paper) and place it over the rainbow picture, so the rainbow shows through.

P.S.  Kayce-I'm sorry if there are more pictures of one dog than the other, but I couldn't tell them apart! I do know the picture on the back is Molly though.

3 Words

Friday, May 16, 2008

I had the worst day.  Work was stressful. It must be a full moon or something, because people were flipping out left and right.  Chill out people! 

Then Joe came to get me from work and we ran out of gas on the way home(the gas gauge is broken on his truck-do you see why I don't want to drive it?).  

Then we stopped by the bank and this dude almost crashed into us while whipping into the parking space we were halfway into already and my husband FREAKED OUT and got out of the car and there was almost a fight in the parking lot.  Our car was blocking oncoming traffic while this was going on and a whole bunch of people saw and were honking at us.  This is truly unlike him.   I think the stress of the last couple of weeks must be getting to him. Seriously.

I, of course, stayed in the car, screaming for them both to knock it off and I was mortified and burst into tears and cried the whole time I was in the bank.

Then we went to dinner and they accidentally put avocado in my enchiladas( I am allergic to Avocado) and I didn't catch it until I had eaten half of it.   It was hidden inside and I was hungry and I asked for it without and I expected them to listen, okay?

So I came home and have been deathly ill ever since.  Deathly.  Ill.  I'll spare you the details of that.

Put a fork in me.  I'm done.

After I wrote this, I felt bad about even posting it.  In fact, I wrote it and erased it and wrote it again because it seemed so insignificant compared to what the people are going through in China right now. 

 I had a bad day.  But it's over now, and I'll live.  I should be thanking God for that, not complaining about my day.  Thank you God, for this day.   Thank you.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Thankful Thursday

1. I am thankful for Bloggy friends that show me such kindness like "Kansas City" did in sending me that wonderful card.  I am still in awe of their kindness.  I also received a very cool bib from Kayce. (I want to post a picture but my camera is dead) Blog friends are the best.

2.  I am thankful tomorrow is Payday.  Finally.

3.  I am thankful that my husband and I have evenings off together, and we are able to go for walks at places like this:

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I am so saddened by the destruction and lives lost from the earthquake in China.  My prayers have been with those affected and families who have lost loved ones.  Sometimes I feel so helpless because I wish I could do something, but I don' t know what.  We can't donate money right now. All I can do for them right now is pray.  

It's my day off and with the weather forecast calling for beautiful blues skies and highs close to 80 degrees, my one and only goal today is to get outside. 
 I have to say I was quite spoiled at my last job in that we were outside almost three hours out of every workday. 

Now that I work in an office I find myself craving just being out in the sunshine(although I do sit in front of a very large window facing the mountains, and I am very lucky for that). 

I owe so many people things in the mail.  Pay it forward gifts, secret buddy gifts, items that were ordered from me.  I am so sorry to be so late in getting these items out to their respective owners.  I am headed to the post office right now to take care of several of those packages.
Money has been a little tight around here(that is a gross understatement) the last two weeks, but Friday is payday and I hope to get caught up again soon.  
If there is such a thing. :)

Happy Hump Day!

P.S. Oh, and "Kansas City"-don't think I'm not scouring my bloglines and stat counter trying to find out who you are so I can send you a proper thank you-'cause I am!  I don't do well with surprises and it's killing me that I don't know who you are! :)

Monday, May 12, 2008

Dear Kansas City

Dear Kansas City:

I received your card in the mail today. It instantly caught my attention when my husband brought in the mail. A pink greeting card sized envelope, no return address, just the postmark "Kansas City". My immediate thought was "Now who could this be from?" When I opened it and saw what was written on the front it took my breath away. Here it is:

"Mommy". This can't be for me. I'm not a Mommy. Upon opening the card and reading the first line, tears welled up in my eyes.

"Dear Mommy", it began.
You are waiting for me and I am waiting for you.
God holds me in one arm, very close to his heart,
while he keeps the other arm around your shoulders.
Soon, you will be smiling as the Chinese officials deliver me from God's arms into yours!
Then you, me, and daddy can finally be a family.

Thanks for waiting.
I really am worth the wait!

Your sweet Sophie

I am in constant awe of the kindness of complete strangers I have encountered through this blog. I don't know you. We have never met. And yet you took the time out of your day to send such a wonderful gift to me.

To you it may have been just a card, but to me it was so much more.

I am humbled by your thoughtfulness and kindness towards me. A perfect stranger.

Thank you doesn't even begin to convey the gratitude I have for this random act of kindness.

And yet that's all I have right now. Those two simple words. Thank you.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Mother's Day Fun

Joe and I never made it on that hike on Sunday, because we had an impromptu visit from my cousins and Aunt and Uncle and we got to spend a little while with them hanging out at Starbuck's. Afterwards Joe and I took a drive down the coast. There was no better way for me to have spent Mother's Day than with my family and I'm so glad we finally connected(after we got lost for half an hour!) What a perfect Mother's Day.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

3 Words

And for those of you celebrating.........

Friday, May 09, 2008

Friday. Yay! And also Blah.

Today was such a blah day.  The weather was gray and gloomy.  Work was kind of slow.  Overall I just felt blah.  I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or what. I've had that lingering headache for the last three days(even though I picked up my hormone patch last night-hurray!).  

It's eight o'clock and I just got out of the bath tub and I'm  laying on my couch feeling, well, Blah.  I really hope I'm not getting sick.

I'm supposed to spend the entire day tomorrow at a friend's one year old's birthday party.  I'm going early to help out, and staying late because I don't have a car, so I really need to be feeling better than I am feeling right now.

 I think I'll be okay after a good night's sleep. I have a feeling it's just a flare up of the kidney disease. 

 The kidney disease that I cannot afford to see a doctor for right now due to  the pre-existing conditions clause my insurance company placed on me.  

Bl.ue Cr.oss sucks.   Actually, from personal experience I find that most in.surance companies suck. 

 I'm not spelling anything out because I don't want people coming to my blog by googling 
"Bl.ue Cr.oss sucks". 

 Did you you know two people found their way here this week after Googling "I hate Mother's Day"?


Did I really say that I hated Mother's Day?  

Gosh.  Angry much? 

For the record, I don't hate Mother's Day. It's just a hard day for me and it makes me sad. 

Sometimes anger is an easier emotion for me to verbalize than sadness.

I do know that one day in the future Mother's Day will be a joyous day for me. 
And I am capable of being happy for those that I know who have their Moms, or are Moms.

After all, I am spending the entire day tomorrow at a friend's house, celebrating her daughter's first birthday.  And she's pregnant again, and I am thrilled for her. Especially since we met through an infertility support group.  That makes the celebration and the pregnancy even sweeter.  Hi Lynn!  See you tomorrow!

Someday it will be me. Someday.  Until then we'll wait. And I will try  not to be so angry.  

Have a great Mother's Day weekend.

And people-
If you have your Mom

Or you are a Mom

Be grateful.  

Very, very grateful.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Thankful Thursday

My first night alone went fine. Honestly, once I got to sleep I didn't even know he was gone. I did get quite a scare though, when he came home early. He wasn't supposed to come home until it was time for me to get up but they let him off early because he is still training and I about had a heart attack when he climbed into bed at 5:15. It's a good thing we don't have a weapon in the house!

It's Thankful Thursday, so here are mine for the day.

1. I am thankful my husband found a job. We have been really struggling.
2. I am thankful the headache I had for the last three days has gotten better. I'm picking up my patch tonight so hopefully that will make it disappear completely.
3. I am thankful for my job.
4. I am thankful we have a car. I can't wait to get mine fixed(eight more days!), but at least we have one working car.

I have decided to have a positive attitude about Mother's Day.

I don't have to celebrate it. I can be sad that I don't have my Mom or my baby.

But I don't have to let it ruin my weekend either.

We're going to go for a hike in Laguna Canyon, and then to the Movies.

Those are the two places we decided we are the least likely to run into too many other daughter-mom celebrations.

We will NOT be going out to eat that day. We went to brunch one year, Joe and I(a few years back) and I sat at the table and cried because we were the ONLY people there not having lunch with our Mothers or our children.

Everyone keeps saying that I should celebrate Mother's Day because I'm GOING to be a Mom, but I'm sorry. I just don't feel it. I've been celebrating "going to be a mom" for seven years now. I'm ready to actually celebrate BEING one now. These are just my feelings. You don't have to agree with them.

And please don't ask me why we won't be celebrating Mother's Day with my in laws. That's a whole other Oprah. One which you will never hear(see) me writing about here.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Sick Day

Today was my day off, but I'm calling it a sick day because I don't feel good and I did absolutely nothing today. Unless you count sleep as something. And I don't. I still have a nasty headache. I've had it for three days now. I'm not sure what's causing it, but Tylenol is not helping at all and I wish it would just go away already. It could be hormonal, as I ran out of my Estro.gen patch three days ago and haven't gotten around to getting the prescription refilled.

I have to pay out of pocket for it because I am still fighting with my insurance company about the pre-existing conditions clause they imposed on me. Ugh.

I'm trying to keep up a positive attitude but it's hard when you don't feel good and Mother's Day is four days away.

I'm becoming anxious about my husband starting his new job. I don't like to sleep in a house all alone. It scares me. I live in a very safe neighborhood, and I really have very little reason to fear, but I'm still nervous.

In my whole life I think I have only ever spent the night completely alone two times. Two times! In thirty seven years! One of those was the night my nephew was born and I had to go back to my sister's house and look after the dogs while Scott and Lisa spent the night at the hospital.

I'm not counting the hotel room in China, where I spent six nights alone, because there are lots of other people in the rooms around you and my sister and family was one floor up. Or down. I can't remember exactly.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing. It'll be alright. It's something I just need to adjust to. Right? After all, don't forget about my watchdog, Cujo:

You do not want to tangle with her. She will mess you up!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I really don't have much. I'm tired. I woke up with a headache and in a funk. Why does that happen? I was late to work because Joe missed the exit and I wasn't paying attention. We're trying a new route, which avoids the toll roads because it is costing us ten dollars a day for Joe to drive me to work and pick me up. We can't afford ten dollars a day plus gas. Sharing a car is getting old. Very old. It is causing many fights between the two of us, either because he's making me late to work in the morning, or showing up late in the evening to pick me up. We do not need anymore excuses to fight. Trust me. I'm starting to get sad about Mother's Day. I hate Mother's Day. I don't have a Mom. I am not a Mom. I guess it's kind of like Valentine's Day for people who don't have a Valentine. Last year on Mother's Day weekend I had a hysterectomy. At least then I was drugged. Heh. I'll snap out of it, I'm sure. I owe a bunch of people stuff in the mail. I promise I will get to it this week. Because we're car sharing, I'm sitting right now in my husband's night class wishing it was 9:30 so I could go home and watch American Idol. Tomorrow is my day off. Yay. Gosh. That really was boring. Sorry.

Oh! I almost forgot. My husband is finally starting the job he was hired for over three weeks ago on Wednesday. Thank goodness. That means in a couple of weeks he'll get a paycheck for said job. Boy do we need that.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

3 Words

Sum up your week in three little words.
“You can sing it, you can say it, you can write it, you can draw it. It can be funny or sad or poignant as long as it’s honest.”It has been a very relaxing three day weekend for me. I slept late. I cleaned the house. I did some laundry and packaged up some things I need to ship out.

I made some home made iced tea that turned out so yummy that I don't think I'll ever buy pre-made tea again.

All I did was heat up a pot of water in our teapot on the stove. After it boiled I poured it into a pitcher and placed six teabags in it and let it steep. I used Peach tea-yum!

While the tea steeped, I made a simple sugar solution to sweeten it. You can't sweeten iced tea with regular sugar because it doesn't dissolve properly.

I put 2 C of water and 2 C of sugar in a pan on the stove and brought it to a boil, stirring it until all of the sugar was dissolved. After reaching a boil I took it off of the stove top and let it cool.

I took the teabags out of the pitcher and poured half the tea into another pitcher.
I added half the simple sugar mixture to each pitcher and added ice.

It turned out sooooo good. Now I have two pitchers of iced tea for the price of six teabags and 2 cups of sugar. I know you can make "sun tea" in the same fashion, but I didn't have six hours to wait while the tea steeped. I will be making this again for sure.

Don't forget to go and bid on some items in the online auction. I so much want to make a difference in the life of this child.

Happy Sunday!

We Can Make a Difference

I do a fair share of complaining and whining on this blog. I am aware of it. I'm not proud of it, and much of it is due to depression, but I still do it.

And yet there other things going on in this world that are far more important than the fact that I didn't have a car for a couple of weeks.

Like the plight of some orphans in China. I know I've posted about this before, but there is a wonderful organization The Starfish Foster Home, that does some amazing work with special needs children in China. I'll let you go over there and read about the wonderful work that they do.

Red MaryJanes is doing a fundraiser right now to help raise funds for the considerable costs of surgery for several specific children.

One of the participants of this fundraiser, Daleea, is holding an auction for one baby in particular.
Meet Ya Xing Kai

Is she not precious?
She is living in an orphanage in China. She has Spina Bifida and needs a life changing surgery.
Daleea is holding an online auction to raise the $3000-$5000 needed for Ya Xing to have her surgery.

I am unable to donate money or even bid on some of the items right now. I wish that wasn't the case.

I can't do those things, but what I can do is donate something to help her raise money.

So that's what I did.

I donated one of my 12X12 canvas wall art pieces to Daleea's auction to help her raise money for this child.

We can make a difference. One child at a time.

So go on over there and bid on some of the awesome items she has up for bid. Especially mine, O.K.? Because I really want to help raise some money for this little girl.

Thank you.

Here is the Auction site:

(click on picture)

Friday, May 02, 2008

For Lia

Here's one of the items that was ordered from me this month. I'll be shipping it out tomorrow. I hope she likes it........

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Thankful Thursday

1. I am thankful we have a car. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for this. Well, actually I just did.

2. I am thankful to have a three day weekend. Yay for conferences!

3. I am thankful for my job. I really enjoy my job. I remember when I didn't have a job. I am lucky to have one.

4. I am thankful for this blog. I have come in contact with so many cool people through this blog. Some of them in real life, and others in cyberspace. So cool.

5. I am thankful for a little extra income that has been generated lately through my creative talents. I have had four people order items from me in the last month! I really enjoy making things for people and am so lucky that I can actually make a little money doing it.

Three whole days off and not one thing planned. LOVE weekends like that!