48 months

48 months.  Four Years.  That's how long we have waited for this adoption to go through.  When you add in the year it took us to prepare our paperwork, that puts us at 5 years total.  Just for the adoption alone. We tried to get pregnant for 5 years before that.

I always told myself that if it was in God's plan for us to have children, then we would have them.  I'm not sure how many signs we have to get before I will see that maybe it's just not meant to be.

It looks as though we aren't going to make it to the end of this adoption.

 22 months of unemployment have put us in a position where we cannot financially continue on.  Unless a miracle happens in the next 6 months, we will have come to the end of this road. All signs pointing to us living child free.  I know there are other options, other avenues that can be pursued, down the road.

I can't think about them right now.

All I can do is grieve for this.

This one hope that we have had for the last 5 years, come to an end.

Today, on the four year anniversary of being logged in with China all I have are tears for all that we have lost and for what will never be.

I had Joe turn off her light a few months ago.  I just couldn't bear to look at it.

To our Sophie:  We are so very sorry.  We fought the good fight. You will always have a place in our hearts.  We loved you so, even though we never saw your face.



The only thing we have left to do is call our adoption agency and have them pull our paperwork.
Joe wants to wait 6 more months.  I want to do it now, get it over with.  For now I am letting him have his way.  Mostly because I don't want to fight over something that is already causing us so much pain.

I don't know what we will do with the crib. Or the baby clothes. Or the toys.  For now they are in storage, where they will probably sit until I can muster up the strength to sort through them and give them away.  For anyone that gave me a gift during the course of this adoption, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I treasured each one. If you have your child at home now and you would like your gift back, I will gladly send it to you.  I would feel so much better knowing that it was being put to use and bringing a child joy than sitting in a box.

34 Months

They just keep coming............

23 months

This one almost slipped right by me. They just keep coming! Lately my thoughts have been consumed with the milk tainting crisis in China. So many of my friends are so close to referral and the thought that their babies might be affected by this makes me feel sick to my stomach. My thoughts and prayers are with them, as well as the mothers and babies who live in China. How scared they must be. So sad.

19 months

I totally missed our 19 month LID-aversary when I was offline. Totally forgot about it! I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad one.........I'm gonna go with good. Possibly I forgot because we were so busy and the month flew by?

Maybe the next two years will fly by without me noticing too? Ha. Ha. I crack myself up.

The more months that go by the farther away this whole adoption feels.
I let my husband start piling junk up in the baby's room again and I have pretty much barricaded the door. I just can't bear to go in there.

19 months. It is what it is.

18 months

I don't have much more to say about it. It is what it is. 18 months down with no end in sight. I'm still taking a break. It might be a long one this time. Not having a lot of luck with the positive energy. I'm just feeling sad. Very very sad.

17 months

I was gonna do a Wordless Wednesday Post, but then I realized that today is our 17th "LID"-aversary, and I couldn't do that without words, because "month" is a word. I kind of suck at the wordless Wednesdays thing. Anyway, 17 months today. Wow. They really are flying by these last few months. Let's see how I feel when I have to type a number in the fifties, which could totally happen. I doubt I'll be in my happy place then. If I did have to choose a photo to sum up our day, this would be it:















You can probably guess what we did today. We owe almost a thousand dollars in State taxes. Ugh. But we're getting back some from Federal, plus the tax rebate, which we totally qualify for, so it's all relative I guess. I'm just glad it's done. As soon as our accountant gets them back to us, we'll drop them in the mail and then not worry about it for another year. Except for changing the withholdings for the state. I'm tired of owing them money every year. There goes another eighty five bucks or so a month from my paycheck. Sigh. We will get ahead someday, right?

15 Months

****I must be really tired because I can't even get my e-mail address right. My actual e-mail address is scrappermg@cox(dot)net. Duh!******* All fixed now.

Wow. That one almost slipped right by. I don't know how many more months we have to go. I'm trying to be O.K. with this wait. Truthfully, we need some extra time right now to figure some stuff out and get our Sh** together before we bring a child into our home. Lots going on. Can't get into it. So in a way, maybe the longer wait times are a blessing. For us. It still sucks for the rest of you out there that are ready now and never signed up for a wait this long. I still get a chuckle out of the original letter we got from our agency stating that we could expect a referral in 12-18 months. Ha! Life sure does throw some curve balls, doesn't it?

Anyway, on to a happier topic. I have been crafting like a crazy person since Thursday night. I do this when I am anxious or upset. It helps take my mind off of things and calms me.

So far I have made 70 Valentine's that are ready to be sent out(yes, you read right. Seventy). I signed up for this handmade postcard swap on another blog and I misunderstood the directions and thought I was supposed to be sending out to fifty people. Apparently I only had to send out to ten. Oops. My bad. You'd think after working with five year olds for 15 years I could listen and follow directions better. I guess not. So now I have 20 cards that I'll be sending out to family, and fifty handmade postcards ready to go out too. Anybody want a handmade Valentine from me? E-mail me your address and I'll drop it in the mail next week with the others-scrappermg(@)cox(dot)net. My plan is to send the extras to some of our troops in Iraq. I'm thinking some of those guys (and gals) may not receive too many Valentine's.

Here are some pictures of my crafting mania:

I ordered this vintage lace from Esty for like $6.00. I heart Etsy. And vintage lace. It makes me happy.














These are the cards going out to family and friends. Still have to print and crop the photos for the center. I know it seems egotistical to put our picture on our cards, but it's our fifteenth wedding anniversary too and it's kind of like how you put your picture on your Christmas cards so people that you haven't seen in forever don't forget what you look like. At least that's my logic. It's probably still egotistical. I don't care.










Here are the postcards. These will be going out to the people in the swap, as well as the troops, and maybe you! If you send me your address! Oh, and if you got a Christmas card from me(blog friends included), you'll be getting one of these whether you asked for it or not :)













Gotta go. More cards to finish.

14 Months!

Hey, that one slipped right by me! We made it to S.F. yesterday and of course it has been go, go, go ever since. I'm tired already and we don't go home until Tuesday! Today we drove to Sacramento to visit with our Aunt and Uncle and cousins. So fun! It isn't often that we are all able to get together at the same time. Lisa and Scott left for Mexico from there. You know what's funny? Joe and I drove all the way up here to watch the kids for them, and right now they are staying at our house for the night since we live down South. So we're at their house(with their kids) and they're at our house. Not sure who worked out the logistics on that one. Joe and I have decided that next year we're not watching any kids and we'll go on a trip. Yeah right. Promises, promises :) Must go to bed now. Am exhausted and no matter what I say, those kids will not sleep past 7:00 a.m.
Must work on that :) And hey, 14 months. Woo hoo!