Monday, October 25, 2010

48 months

48 months.  Four Years.  That's how long we have waited for this adoption to go through.  When you add in the year it took us to prepare our paperwork, that puts us at 5 years total.  Just for the adoption alone. We tried to get pregnant for 5 years before that.

I always told myself that if it was in God's plan for us to have children, then we would have them.  I'm not sure how many signs we have to get before I will see that maybe it's just not meant to be.

It looks as though we aren't going to make it to the end of this adoption.

 22 months of unemployment have put us in a position where we cannot financially continue on.  Unless a miracle happens in the next 6 months, we will have come to the end of this road. All signs pointing to us living child free.  I know there are other options, other avenues that can be pursued, down the road.

I can't think about them right now.

All I can do is grieve for this.

This one hope that we have had for the last 5 years, come to an end.

Today, on the four year anniversary of being logged in with China all I have are tears for all that we have lost and for what will never be.

I had Joe turn off her light a few months ago.  I just couldn't bear to look at it.

To our Sophie:  We are so very sorry.  We fought the good fight. You will always have a place in our hearts.  We loved you so, even though we never saw your face.



The only thing we have left to do is call our adoption agency and have them pull our paperwork.
Joe wants to wait 6 more months.  I want to do it now, get it over with.  For now I am letting him have his way.  Mostly because I don't want to fight over something that is already causing us so much pain.

I don't know what we will do with the crib. Or the baby clothes. Or the toys.  For now they are in storage, where they will probably sit until I can muster up the strength to sort through them and give them away.  For anyone that gave me a gift during the course of this adoption, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I treasured each one. If you have your child at home now and you would like your gift back, I will gladly send it to you.  I would feel so much better knowing that it was being put to use and bringing a child joy than sitting in a box.

31 comments:

Special K said...

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry you are facing this decision. Sending some hugs.

My Little Monkey said...

Michelle I am praying for your miracle..... this post is breaking my heart, so I cannot fathom how you feel. Hugs

Journeywoman said...

I don't know what to say. I am hoping for a miracle for you. I'm hoping so hard.

Cyndi and Dean James said...

Michelle...I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through because Dean and I have thought about this many of times. We were told last year that his parents aren't helping us anymore. They were the ones funding our adoption. We now have to come up with the money to finish. It is really hard with a one income family with no savings. We are hoping that we can get a loan when it gets closer. We are going to try to do some fundraisers to try to raise money. I agree with Joe..Keep your papers there and see what happens. Things could change for you. If you need to talk, call me. We can make it through this. We have waited this long. I am sending you lots and lots of hugs.
Cyndi :)

Mama Bear said...

I am so sorry Michelle. I hope something happens in the next six months.

Thinking of you!

Laura said...

Hugs to you Michelle. I do believe in miracles and am glad for now that you are leaving your file in China. I'm so sorry for all you've had to endure. It's been a tough 4 years and life has changed for so many of us. I'm still not sure how I will get to China to get Amanda. I so pray you will someday become a mom, or that if that is not to be your future, that you find peace with it.
Love and hugs to you,
Laura

Oesch Family said...

Michelle, I feel your pain I truly do. We felt the same way when we pulled our paperwork and we shed a million tears for our sweet Katelynn. I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. I would not wish it on anyone in the world to feel the pain of the waiting for the China adoption. Just know that I am here to listen anytime you wish to email me, text me, or call. I will continue to hold you in my prayers and thoughts and wish only the best for you and Joe.

3D said...

I am so sorry that you are in this dark place. I hope that the light shines thru soon.

Sherri said...

Michelle, I feel your pain and I really do. We're at 50 months right now. I do believe in miracles and that's the only reason we're hanging on right now. Times are so hard for so many of us and being we're so close, I have no choice but to hang on. Your not that far away from us and I see a referral coming somewhere around April or May...I will say the paperwork part of it totally sucks...we have a FREE renewal for our I171H and if wasn't for that, I would have pulled out. Keep the FAITH my friend, just a little longer. You have waited so long and your so close. I will pray every day for you, as I do myself. Hugs to you my friend.

Kim said...

I am so sorry for all that you have lost. PLEASE look into bringing home a special needs/waiting child from China. So many of the needs are very minor - things easily handled here in the USA. Your heart and home would be filled with so much joy. I pray that things turn around for you and Joe.

Michelle said...

Thank you everyone. I know you all understand exactly what we are going through. I'm fine with keeping our paperwork in for the next 6 months but it would honestly take a miracle for us to be able to make this work financially. I can't make it all the way to the end and have to turn down a referral. I can't do it. It's better to grieve that loss now and try and move on with out lives.

Kim-we aren't pulling out because of the wait. It's purely financial. If we could, we would move forward with the adoption of a special needs child. We simply don't have the money to accept a referral and travel to China. Nor do we make enough money right now to pass our homestudy, which needs to be renewed.

Cora said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you get that miracle, you deserve it. Sometimes it takes letting go to be able to see a new path to follow, although it is harder to do than is sounds, I know.

Beautifully written post I know it must have been very difficult to write.

Briana's Mom said...

Oh Michelle - I don't have any words. I am so, so sorry. I am praying for a financial miracle for you. My heart breaks for you.

Joannah said...

I'm so very sorry, Michelle. :(

2china4S said...

Our hearts break for you and Joe. Our wait from LID to referral was 28 months and it was heart wrenching. You know, as you were there for me many times. Given the current pace I would keep my dossier logged in, even though I do understand you argument about grieving now. I am only a phone call, text, or IM away. Sending you lots of hugs.

Suzie said...

I'm so, so sorry Michelle. This wait is unbearable and you have had to deal with so many things over the last four years. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle for you. Hugs!

Lisa said...

Michelle I know firsthand how you feel and what you are going through. I know that no words will comfort you but do know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need me send me a message on FB so we can chat! (((HUGS)))

D and S said...

I'm sorry you've had to make this difficult decision. Hugs to you and Joe.

Retro Girl said...

*HUGS* I am so sorry Michelle. Just know that I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. You have a great support network of friends if you need someone to listen. I know nothing can ease your grief right now but I can see how much you are loved and cared for. Please take care of you and lean on your friends when you need it. *hugs*

KHM said...

Heartbroken for you both.
A lot can change in 6 months. I'll pray it changes for you.

t~ said...

I am so heartbroken for you both. Praying for your turnaround in this dark place.

Janice said...

*hugs* I can only imagine how hard this decision must be for you. I am astounded by your courage, not only to face the reality of your situation, but to put your grief out there for us all to share. Know that, as others have said, you are in my thoughts. May you have ease from your pain and peace with your decision.
Blessings,
Janice

Special K said...

I'm so very sorry. I'm still hoping for a miracle for you.

PinkDevora said...

Oh, Michele, I am so sad to hear. Please hang in there and stay in the program as long as you can...

Jenna said...

I read this yesterday but I was so heart broken for you I couldn't respond. I am so very sorry, life has been so unfair to you guys, you are such an amazing person and you should have everything you ever wanted. I can not imagine the grieving that is ahead for you guys, I pray that you can find the support you need. I pray that this won't separate you, and you guys will only be closer through this grief. (My marriage fell apart because of our grief, and you guys have been through so much, I pray so very hard that this won't be the case with you.)
I wish that I lived closer to you, I just want to hug you. When J and I started to go through our divorce I found a book about choosing to live child free, it was called sweet grapes.

http://www.amazon.com/Sweet-Grapes-Being-Infertile-Living/dp/0944934234/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288150062&sr=1-1

It is a very small book, I don't know if it will help, when I read it I just wasn't in the right place. Especially because my marriage was ending. Maybe it can help you.
You guys will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Julie said...

Hugs for you. Prayers for a miracle!

Kayce said...

You've been on my mind constantly these last few days. I can't wait to give you a hug!!!!! MUCH love to you and Joe!

Ray said...

Michelle,

You were on my October 2006 blogroll but I haven't posted in a while. When I was checking some of the blogs recently, I was saddened to see so many dormant or gone completely. When I read that you were pulling your dossier, it was heart wrenching to read about.

My wife and I were October 2006 DTC, just like you. About a year ago, we went on the SN list because we didn't want to wait much longer and we felt God was leading us in that direction. A few months later, we had a referral for a beautiful two-year-old girl with club feet (very correctable). It can happen and faster than you think.

I noticed one of the main reasons you're pulling out is financial. I just wanted to remind you of the adoption tax credit that is still in effect. It is a refundable tax credit of $13,000+, which means you get it all back at once, even if you didn't pay that much in taxes.

You and your husband have come so far and you would make wonderful parents. I am praying for you both.

dawn said...

I can't imagine how you are feeling but I do feel heartbroken for you. THe next 6 months will change everything and once again where you can only see dark, you will see light.
Hugs, to both of you.

Michele said...

I am so sorry, Michelle. I have not words, only cyber hugs. I pray that you can joe can support each other and lean on each other now more than ever. Miracles happen....
Michele

Donna said...

Michelle, I had no idea it was this bad. I'm sure we could raise enough money for one of you to travel to China but I didn't think about the requirement to pass another home study.

These long waits are so unfair because so much can change while you're waiting and none of those changes reflect your ability to be a good parent. In other words, if you'd adopted 3 years ago, they wouldn't be taking your kids away now, right?

I think it's a good idea to wait it out until the end. You can always pull your application the month before referrals if you have to and it won't hurt any more or less to do it then. But it would be horrible if you pulled it now and things turned around in a month or two and you COULD have made it work.

I know there are no easy answers to unemployment but sometimes prospective employers are turned off by extensive gaps in work history. I was an employment counselor for many years and my advice is for Joe to keep his resume current by doing any type of work he can. Self employment, volunteer work, whatever it takes.

Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!