Thursday, July 21, 2016



I'm the kind of person who can't watch the news because it makes me sad. 

I'm the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve.  

 I'm the kind of person who puts my all into everything that I do, and am disappointed if I can't do it perfectly. 

I'm the kind of person who tries very hard to say what I mean and mean what I say.  

I'm the kind of person who gets very disappointed  in other people when they don't.  

I'm the kind of person who goes all out to plan a beautiful baby shower for a co-worker, then cries a little on the way home because even after all these years it's still hard to oooooh and ahhhhh over all of the cute baby clothes without thinking of Sophie. 

I'm the kind of person who hides in my house all weekend because I don't have the energy to face even one person.  

I'm the kind of person who lies in bed when the alarm goes off some mornings feeling like I don't have the  energy to get out of bed, then gives myself a pep talk until I do. 

I'm the kind of person who often has very dark thoughts on the inside but portrays a happy facade on the outside.

I'm the kind of person who takes things people do or say very personally, even when I shouldn't. 

I'm the kind of person who takes self hatred and self loathing to a new level.

I'm the kind of person who can't let go of past hurts, no matter how hard I try. 

I'm the kind of person who just wants everyone to get along.  

I'm the kind of person who often feels left out. 

I'm the kind of person who lies awake at night and can't sleep because of the terror in the world. 

I'm the kind of person who cries when I'm angry. 

I'm the kind of person who gets their feelings hurt easily.  

I'm the kind of person who has no tolerance for people that spew hate and racism.  

I'm the kind of person who wants to make everyone happy, even if trying to do so makes me stressed and unhappy.

I'm the kind of person who wants to hide under the covers of my bed until this election is over and wonders how I'll ever make it to November.  

I'm the kind of person who wants to shut down my Facebook account almost daily but would miss my friends if I did.  

I'm the kind of person who overthinks things times a thousand.  

I'm the kind of person who feels a million feelings at once, and then nothing at all.  

Sometimes it's so tiring being me, I wish I could be someone else for a just little while.   

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Shed A Little Light

 "So much darkness.  Offer whatever light you can".      
                                                     Sandra Boynton

I miss blogging but I don't take the time to read other blogs.  

I miss writing, but I don't write, aside from two line sentences on Facebook. 

I want to feel better physically, but I struggle with making the right choices nutritionally, or having the energy(or motivation)to move my body daily.  

I want joe to have a different job so we can sleep in the same bed at the same time again, but I'm terrified for him to make a change.  What if they don't give him full time hours? What if his boss doesn't like him?  What if he gets laid off again?(This thought followed by hyperventilation).  His job is stable and they like him there and they give him time off when he asks for it.  So I want him to stay. But I also want him to go because the opposite shift thing is tiring.   

I want to get a second car but I'm worried about having a car payment.  

My life is full of contradictions right now.  

Work is stressful.  It's summer.  It's always stressful in the summertime.  I know this, I've been there almost 5 years(five.years!), it shouldn't come as a surprise. 

But I still let it stress me out.  

I want to be able to accommodate every patient that wants to come see us.  I want patients to be able to get their medications affordably, and if their insurance won't allow it, I want to fight their ins until they can(I win roughly half the time but it's time consuming and frustrating).  I want the drug reps to be happy and get paid because they are people too and have families to support.  I want our doctors to have the perfect schedule.  Not too many patients, but not too few.  (The not too few isn't a problem right now)

I want to make everyone happy.  

I know that it is impossible to do so, but when I can't it makes me stressed.   I need to let that shit go.  I cannot make everyone happy.  I can only do what I can do.  

In addition to the day to day stresses there is the state of the world.  

The world is a scary place right now. 

Hundreds and hundreds of people being killed and injured in Terror attacks.  

People being shot in the street, both civilians and police officers.  

I spend more time than I should pouring over the faces of people who died in the last week alone.  My heart breaks for all of them, but especially for their loved ones. I feel sad a lot of the time.  

Candidates who terrify me vying to be leader of our country.  

I have not been directly affected by any of these scary things as of yet.  I'm safe in my little bubble but sometimes I lie awake at night and think that some day it will reach me.  

Some of that violence and terror could infiltrate my little world eventually, right? And if not, why not?  Why am I the lucky one?

I know that kind of thinking is a dead end street. It serves no purpose. I can't hide away in my little home. I have to live my life, despite the evil and terror in the world. 

But there are days like today, where I hole up in our little house with the curtains drawn where I can't seem to find the courage  to even leave the house to go retrieve something from my car or go pick up the mail. Joe calls it turtling.  

Today I'm turtling.  Pulling my head inside my shell and ignoring the world outside.  
I'm searching for ways to help somehow, even if just a tiny little bit.  Sending gift cards or small donations of money(even just $10) where they are needed.  Hand writing and sending cards to cheer up someone that might need a little brightness in their day. 
It makes  me feel a little less helpless.  Not a lot, but a little.  

Despite all of the above, Joe and I have had some opportunities to visit my sister and get away from it all, which helps. We did a quick weekend trip for Cameron's 8th grade graduation.  Don't even get me started on the fact that he's turning 15. 

Then a couple of weeks later we headed back up for our annual Fourth of July trip to the Russian River with Lisa and a group of her friends.  Had a fabulous time, as usual. I'll spare you the dozens of photos that look the same as the last four years and only leave you with a couple.  

For anyone that needs it right now, I send positive thoughts and a virtual hug your way.  The world is a scary place but I continue to believe that people are mostly good. If we all spared a moment to do one small act of kindness a day the world would be a better place.  I'm gong to try to be better about that.


I'm actively looking for other ways to shed a little light to people in need, if anyone has any links or suggestions for me. 

******Shed A Little Light is my favorite James Taylor song. 

Saturday, May 14, 2016

2016 Recap February

2016 Recap Part 2.  Again, this was all on fb so you might have Deja Vu and can skip it if you want.

Caught some stunning sunsets in February, although I was counting down the days until Daylight Saving time ended.  I hate it being dark when I get off of work!

Got a couple of rides in.  Sadly, I haven't really ridden since. I've been plagued with thyroid troubles since the New Year(more on that later) and I've been feeling just plain crappy.

Found some oldie but goodie photos of me in my horseshoe days.  Top overall rider in the state of CA Bay-bee.  Man that was forever ago.  I'm 16 in this photo.

Valentine's Day and our anniversary were lovely. 
We had dinner at The Storybook Cafe in The Grand Californian again.
The dessert buffet is my favorite.
They gave us these very cute buttons when we told them it was our anniversary.
Unfortunately  when we left they charged us $48 for going over our 3 hour free time limit(we parked at the hotel), even though TWO people told us we had 3 hours from the time our ticket was validated at the restaurant, and not from the time we parked.  Forty.Eight.Dollars.  That's highway robbery.  I get it, they are discouraging people from parking there and going to the theme parks but still.  It was a mistake(and it was their fault for giving out the wrong information), and they could have made it right if they wanted to and they just didn't want to.  This is the first time we have ever been disappointed in the customer service at Disney.  That's a $48 button you're looking at right there.  We didn't let it spoil our night.  We still had a wonderful time.
Anniversary manicure

The Saturday night before Valentine's Day I had this harebrained idea to make some Valentine's treats for my co-workers that required the baking of 5 dozen cupcakes.

Yes, I bought too much mix, and not enough frosting.  I'm not good at math.
5 dozen cupcakes is a lot.

But they turned out so cute.  Cupcakes in a jar.  Pinterest idea, of course.

My Sees-ter sent this yummy edible arrangement to my work.  Everyone enjoyed it.

Joe broke our don't-buy-valentinesday-stuff and brought me flowers and a balloon.  We don't buy Valentine's Day stuff or flowers even for our anniversary because it's three times the cost.  We usually wait until the next week when things are back to normal price, and chocolate is 75% off.
And Champagne of course. Gotta have champagne for your anniversary.

23 years.  Hard to believe.

In March The X-Files returned to television. Yay!  Joe and I were both very excited.  
Mulder and Scully 4Ever.
We both enjoyed the episodes, but were disappointed in the ending. 


Wednesday, April 06, 2016

2016 recap

Thought I'd post here because some day I'm going to publish this blog into a book(yeah, right) and I can't seem to let go of this(blog).

Plus I'm home sick today and completely bored and this is giving me something to do.

None of this stuff is new to my fb friends, so skip it if it's too boring.  :)

Christmas was awesome, as usual.  We spent it at my Sees-ters(of course).

 The kids got hover boards(the non catch-on-fire kind).  I didn't go near them because everywhere I turned on the internet were videos of people falling off of them and almost breaking their necks trying them out and if that's going to happen to someone it would happen to me.
 I got this fashionable new hat
 And some cute kitchen stuff in a  forest animal theme
Christmas Day we went to the movies to see Star Wars(for the second time) and it.was.awesome.  We both loved it.

 Grace is totally a pro at the hoverboard and made it look totally easy.  I still didn't try it.
Grace is standing on her hoverboard.  She's not that tall.  Yet.

We were lucky enough to stay through New Years this year which we haven't been able to do in I don't know how long.  At least 10 years. So grateful for my job letting me have the time off to do so. After New Years we headed off to Tahoe.  It was beautiful and it snowed and it was magical. Such a wonderful vacation.

It turns out I love snow.  When we are on vacation and it doesn't negatively affect my life in any way(see December of 2015 post. Blech.)

 Do you want to build a snowman?  No?  Us either, as evidenced by the lame, unfinished one we attempted to build. Building a snowman is hard!

The hotel we stayed at was a winter wonderland at night.

 On the way home we decided to stop at the church we were married in 23 years ago. It's only a 25 minute drive from Tahoe.  We hadn't been there in 10 years or so.

I just love this church so much.  One day I would love to attend services there.  It is always closed when we visit.

                                                                       Joe cool

                                          Still young at heart

While we were there Joe surprised me and got down on one knee and proposed to me again.  So sweet!  It's been a long hard road at times for us, but I'm proud of us for weathering the storm and persevering.  I love him very much.

Such a great trip

When we got home from Tahoe we decided to play tourist around downtown San Francisco(although we have been there dozens of times).  

The Japanese Tea Garden is one of our favorite places.  So peaceful and serene. It was raining but we didn't let that stop us from having a wonderful time.

We had some snacks at the restaurant there.  Best Udon soup I've had.

Made a quick stop in Chinatown to do some shopping afterwards.
HAD to have some pork buns.  So good.

                                                 It was very pretty in the rain.

It was so great to spend New Year's Eve with them.  We even got to celebrate our birthdays together, which we NEVER get to do, seeing as though our birthday is on Jan 5th and we are both back to work by then.
                                           New Year's nails
New Year's Eve festivities

Birthday dinner.  As part of my present, Lisa and I got our makeup done at Sephora. Can I have them come to my house and do my makeup every time I have a special occasion?  Please?


Lisa gave me her "good" camera for my birthday.  OMG so excited!  Have I used it yet?  No.  Mostly because I'm lame and forget to take it places.  I am thinking about signing up for a photography class since I have no idea how to use this thing.
After that it was time to go home.

The girls at work made my actual birthday very special(my job rocks). Joe got me this beautiful orchid and a cookbook with different salads you can put in mason jars.  My sister sent me this adorable pillow and garden flag. When you live in a trailer, you might as well own it. lol


This is getting kind of long so I'm thinking I should divide it up into several posts. 

To be continued.........