Sunday, April 23, 2017

You've Got A Friend in Me (sort of)




I've been thinking a fair amount about friendships lately. 

I think that I'm not a good friend much of the time.  

I lost a very good friend many years ago(ten plus?)  She said to me once that she felt that if she wasn't the one making the effort to contact me then  I would just kind of let our friendship fade away.  I could totally see how she felt that way, in terms of contact, although I didn't feel that way at all. I loved her and her family.  I never would have let that get away.  I thought friends went through times when they were close and times when they weren't. I didn't realize we had drifted so far apart that we couldn't get back together. 

She decided to end the friendship.  In the end I think it was my emotional instability that made her decide not to be friends with me. My mom had just died and following that we were in the thick of our infertility journey.  I was depressed and sad and I withdrew.  We stopped going to kid's birthday parties.  We stopped socializing at all really.  We were in a lot of pain. 

Actually I'll never really know why she ended it, because she wouldn't give me an explanation beyond "we grew apart" and "I have a lot on my plate right now". It's just speculation. 
Losing that friendship was a type of pain that rocked me to the core.  I don't let too many people in and to be rejected like that hurt more than I thought possible.  


This isn't about her.  That was a long time ago and I've mostly moved past it.  Occasionally I'll get nostalgic and I'll still miss her though.  She was a lovely person.  

It's more about me feeling like  I'm not the easiest person to be friends with. 

I mean, long distance I can be a good friend.  I love to send surprise stuff to people I like in the mail.  I'll love your instagram posts, and comment on your Facebook statuses, and even attend your online "party" for whatever you're selling.  

But in terms of actual human contact, no.  

I probably won't go to your birthday party, or block party, or Tupperware party(do they still do those?), especially if there will be people there I don't know. I'm awkward around strangers.  

Shit I'm awkward around people I know.  

You might  be hard pressed to even get me to meet you for coffee after work, as I prefer to go straight home and not talk to anyone.  I'm on the phone and dealing with people all day and it takes every ounce of energy in me to do that.  

I forget to return texts and fb messages.  

Don't  even bother trying to reach me via phone.  Not gonna happen. 

I hole up in my tiny house on the weekends and it takes a lot of effort on my part to leave.  If we had grocery store delivery I probably wouldn't leave at all, from Friday night until Monday morning. 


I'm a severely introverted person. 
On top of that, Joe is a very good friend to me and most of the time I don't need more than that.  

I can be moody, and sad and/or not feel physically well many days.  

I find it hard to have small talk or talk about trivial things. 

I guess I feel like I'm not the most fun person to talk to/be around, especially after a long day(or week) at work.  

Facebook can be a lifeline for me because it is contact with other people, without actually having to be in contact with them(if that makes sense). 

I have different types of friends on Facebook.  Some don't post at all. Others only post funny videos or memes.  Some are passionate about politics, or animals, or certain diseases they are afflicted with, and post mostly about those things. Others the majority of their posts are about their kids or families.   

But some of my friends share a great deal about themselves on Facebook.  Their lives, their struggles, their health issues. 


Those are the friends I identify with the most.  

Many of those are people I've never met in real life. 

I can only venture to guess that those friends are sensitive people, like me and that's why I relate to them so much. 

I love your stories.  Little snippets of your life, good bad or ugly.  Many of your stories I can relate to and they make me feel less alone if I'm going through or feeling something similar.  

Many of my friends think I share too much online. Actually I would say most feel that way.  Some of them are judgmental.  I share too much(I do), I only share because I want sympathy(sometimes). Mostly I share to feel less alone about some things. There's much to be said about another person saying those feelings you are having are valid, I understand, I get it.  

That's why I love and miss blogging so much.  I miss people's stories.  I miss hearing about the grief you're feeling over the death of your mother. Or how your child is going through a tough time at school, or how you're struggling with keeping your shit together amidst the grief or pain or chaos happening in your life at this moment.

I miss substance, and since I'm low on human contact with my friends that's how I receive it.

That was rambling and kind of went all over the place and I'm not even sure any of it made any sense.

The bottom line is: 

Much of the time I don't feel like a I am a good friend.  

I get caught up in my own issues and don't take enough time to look outside of those.  

I can be self centered. 

I can be a hermit.  

If we're friends, please know that I value our friendship, even if I don't say it(or show it).  

Please don't take it personally if I don't respond to you or am not up to date on what's happening in your life. 

Please don't give up on me.  

You're my friend for a reason and I value our friendship.

P.S. Just wanted to add that I don't blame my friend for ending our relationship. I've had two friendships that I let go, but I did try to rekindle them after a long period of no contact.  I sent their kids something in the mail and I never received a response.  I took that as a clue that it was over. Like I said, I can be a shitty friend but I do try. 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

2017

I just love this quote. It's proven to be very true for me. Let's see, what has been going on since our trip to Disneyland? Had a great Christmas in San Francisco.   No surprise there. We stayed through New Years again, and only came home dragging our feet on the very last day before we had to return to work.  I hate leaving my sister's.

We saw White Christmas on Christmas Eve, played tourist in the city, celebrated our birthdays and New Year's Eve.  Photos appear to be in no particular order.  They got rid of the blogger app for IPad, making this post much more difficult to get up.  











Turned 46.  It was pretty low key.  I don't really have any particular feelings about getting a year older.

It really does become just a number the older I get.
Marched in the women's march.  Not going to say a lot about it, except it was amazing and I'm glad we went.  A lot of people didn't support my participation in that protest, and that's ok. It's easy to sit by and be complacent about the injustices in the world if they either don't affect you in any way or you don't care about how they affect others negatively.   I don't judge those that didn't participate but there certainly was a lot of judging those of us that did.

I'm still doing everything I can to resist the clown that is our current president.
I still can't believe people support this guy.  What an embarrassment.  I have zero respect for those that voted for him.  I'm curious as to what his supporters think about how the rest of the world views our new "leader"(hint: they think he's an idiot).  How unfair it is that we're not giving him a chance?  (Insert eye roll).  The man is a crazy egomaniac.  Many people want to turn a blind eye to that, and as a good friend said yesterday to me on FB, Logic is not the strong suit of people who have already made up their minds.  There has been a lot of name calling of us that don't support him, with the most  popular being "snowflake".  You know what?  I'd rather be a snowflake than an asshole who only cares about money or themselves, which is the driving force behind every order coming from The White House and republicans right now. Enough about that. Thankfully I still have enough likeminded friends to keep me sane.




We spent our anniversary in Lake Arrowhead.   Hiking, long soaks in the jacuzzi tub and pizza by the fireplace in our room.  It was perfect.  We don't have the opportunity to get away very much, just the two of us, on a real vacation and stay in a hotel.  I wish it would have snowed while we were there.  It's snowing this weekend.  That figures.  But we still had a great time.
These two still bring us so much joy and make us laugh every day. I'm ready add to our family by means of a puppy, but joe isn't on. board yet. He will be soon. lol.
They closed down the road I live on for three whole weeks and it was a NIGHTMARE. Omg five and a half hour commutes to and from work. It was truly horrible. So glad that's over.
Ugh. That was a huge pain. This might be the end of my blogging days. I use my iPad exclusively and I just didn't see myself spending this much time and energy putting together a post. Plus the spacing is all wrong and it bugs me. Blogger, you need to bring back the app for Apple. Please.
One last photo, because most of the time I don't feel anything close to pretty, and in this photo I do so I thought I should record that.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

A Break

So I guess I'm blogging again.  For now.  I deactivated my Facebook account. 

I needed a break. 

 I was off for 8 days, not  that anyone noticed.  I only reactivated it because there is a commuter's group there  that is very helpful with traffic updates  for my drive, and also I get a lot of free printables for my planner in one of the groups there.  

Aside from those two groups, I'm not feeling facebook. At all. 

I'm tired of the political crap.  So tired. So tired of the fake news people pass around like its truth.  Tired of the memes showing that your candidate is right. 

You aren't changing anyone's mind. If you voted for him then I have either unfriended or unfollowed you so I can't see your posts.  

I have said many times before that the world scares me.  But I never thought it could scare me as much as it does now.  The people that are being put into office, and what they stand for is truly frightening. 

Truly.Frightening.   

I know that now is not the time to be quiet about this.  I KNOW this.  But if I don't step back from this for a little bit I will be a sobbing mess all of the time.  I hardly leave my house as it is.  I just need to distance myself from it for a bit.  I need to build up my strength emotionally and shelter myself for a bit. For my sanity.  But I'll be back.  I'll be back to lend my voice to stand up for the horrible things happening in our government right now and in the future.  

In time. 

Anyway, change of subject.  (I've never been good at segways)

Joe and I went to Disneyland.  We got some really cheap tickets by walking in the CHOC walk(half off!), and my sister bought them for us as a Christmas present. 

We both took a day off work and spent the entire day at Disneyland and CA adventure.  

The WHOLE day.  We got there when it opened at 9:00 am and didn't leave until it closed at 9:30 pm. 

Best.Day.Ever.

Well, except for the blisters I got from walking 12 miles. Those really hurt.  

But the Christmas decorations were up, and it wasn't crowded at all and we just had the best time.  

Instead of just repeating over and over how much fun we had(best day!), here are some photos

We started with Space Mountain. 
I love the way some people pose for the camera on the rides.  I'm too busy holding on so I don't die to pose for the photo on the ride.  Seriously every time I get on a roller coaster I'm convinced that the car could fly off the track and we could die.  I mean, it COULD happen, right?


We hit the most crowded rides first.  

Star Tours 3D glasses selfie.  It's a good look for us I think.  

The highlight of our visit was the Star Wars Launch Bay, where we met Boba Fet, Darth Vader and Chewbaca. So much fun!

Boba Fet



We met Darth Vader and this is so stupid but I actually felt nervous!   LOL

Meeting Chewbaca was amazing.  Yes, I do realize I'm talking about fictional characters here.  But he was amazing!
We each got a great big hug, and then he and Joe discussed facial hair.  

This is going on our Christmas card. 
I have no idea why I'm so squinty, or which camera I'm looking at, but it's made of awesome.   



They had some really cool Star Wars memorabilia. 




Such a neat exhibit.  Highly recommend a visit there.  

We didn't see any parades that day, so we had 12 hours to explore the park(did I ever tell you how last year when we went to Disneyland I spent a total of almost 7 hours waiting for two different parades? No?  Well I did.  7 hours.  Joe thought I was nuts.  What can I say?  I really love parades)

No parades for us this visit. 

Always a good shot
We rode the Matterhorn twice.  Once during the day and once when the parade was going on, when we walked right on.    We didn't wait more than 20 minutes for any ride the entire day.  Definitely a great time to go to Disneyland before the holiday crowds start.   

Matterhorn selfie

Gotta love haunted mansion holiday




After lunch we headed over to CA Adventure for a bit. I brought lunch and dinner(sandwiches and cold fried chicken) with us, as well as Gatorade, water and snacks.  We probably easily saved $100 by not eating in the park for meals.  I brought a huge cooler that we put in one of their extra large lockers.  We did have to pay $10 for that. But still.  It's so expensive to eat in the parks.  We saved a ton of money by bringing our own food.  


I just love Cars Land at night. 



There's a story behind this photo.  Joe and I went on this ride three times in a row(I love it!), but we went in the single rider line, which was only ten minutes long but you don't get to ride together.  

The family sitting next to me were SO excited about this ride.  Like hands up, screaming having fun. When we first got on I heard them saying that they were going to pose for the photo at the end because they were going to purchase it. Well I wasn't going to ruin their photo!  I mean, I'm going to be on display in their photo album for years to come so I might as well look like I'm having fun too!  I broke my hold-on-for-dear-life-because-you-might-die-rule for this photo.  


Next we went on The Little Mermaid.  I love, love, love The Little Mermaid


I may or may not have sung the entire time.  

Lastly we rode CA Screamin' before heading back over to DLand.  
Again with the people posing for the camera. I did not let go on this ride. See above about fear of dying.   
I wish we could have spent more time in that park but I really wanted to end our day at DLand to soak in the Christmas spirit and see the lights.  


We ended our night with It's A Small World Holiday
Love it. So magical. 
I hate this photo because my hair is a mess, and my makeup is all but gone but I also love it because that photo represents the end of a great day.  Such a great day.  It was exactly what I needed.  

I had  blisters on my feet that took days to heal, but so worth it.