Wednesday, August 31, 2005

School has officially begun! It seems to weird to be starting school before Labor Day. When I was a kid, we always started the day after (And I had to walk 6 miles in the snow to get there. Uphill!) Just kidding! It just seems very nostalgic to start a sentence with "When I was a kid..." Any way, the school year is upon us. I much prefer the stucture of the school year to the chaos of the summer at my job. The children are all clean in their nice white uniform shirts, and they don't know me or each other yet, so they are very well behaved. I give it a week! What's so exhausting right now is dealing with the parents! They have a thousand questions they want answered, they're afraid to leave their "big" boys and girls at their new day care(even though most of them went to preschool) But this is Kindergarten. It is a big deal for them! Someone please remind me of this when MY child starts Kindergarten and I am standing at the door crying while they are off in the corner playing, oblivious to me standing in the door way crying. About two more days of this adjusting before pretty much all the kids(parents) become accustomed to their new school and child care. The first week (Is 3 days a week?) is the hardest. I don't know what the deal is, but again we have mostly all boys! It's not like the Kindergarten classrooms have only boys. No, they are pretty much even (10 girls and 9 boys in each class). It's just that none of the girls go to child care. They all go home! I sense a pattern here! Either there are more working moms that have boys, or there are more non working moms that have boys that just don't want them at home all day! Hmmm...I wonder why that could be? Maybe because they are loud, energetic, rough housing, loud, curious, did I mention loud? I swear I am going to have a hearing problem after working at this job for so long.

Aside from work I am feeling good. I should be feeling good, this is the "good" part of the month for me. Hopefully I will have 12 or 13 more days of feeling good. I'm really trying to take it one day at a time. I have to go. I have to take a shower, then spend a couple of hours reading my blogs. Thanks Lisa, for getting me addicted to all these adoption blogs for people I don't even know!

P.S. I wish I had some cute pictures to post every day, but unless you want to see pictures of my animals or kids I work with that you don't even know, you'll have to do without.

Monday, August 29, 2005

I have decided to completely change the look and name of my blog. It is not going to be about our journey with infertility anymore. We are closing that door and opening a brand new one. As you can see, this blog will be named our journey towards parenthood. I will post updates about how the adoption is going and things we are doing to get ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will still need to blow off steam about the constant pain I am in until I have the surgery, but I won't be worrying about whether or not we got pregnant this month or what infertility procedures we are planning(because we aren't planning any!) I'm ready to be done with that part of my life. God is moving us in another direction. Maybe we can't have biological children, but we can certainly fill our home with adopted children that need homes. We don't really care how we have a family, just as long as we have one. Joe and I have wished for this practically since we met almost 16 years ago. Not having children simply wasn't an option for us. We both have so much love to give and we have waited a long time to pass that love on to our children.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

I am starting to feel better today. Finally! I haven't left the house all wekend. At least I'll be rested up for work tomorrow. I have two days left until school officially starts. Tomorrow is Kindergarten orientation. It is pretty non stressful. I am getting ready to get back into the swing of things. This time off has been nice, but I'm ready for things to get back to normal. It is so less stressful for me during the school year than summer.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I started my period today. I was early again. It was a blessing though because I was feeling so crummy. This is a bad period though. Horrible cramps, headaches, and heavy heavy bleeding. I'm so ready for this to end. If we go ahead with the adoption I might seriously consider a hysterectomy. No one should have to live like is month after month after month. I have isolated myself so much that I have no friends left. Lately all I have the energy to do is go to work and come home. I couldn't even play tennis this week because I was in so much pain. At least it only lasted 6 days this time. Only?! If I had any other kind of illness(like a cold or the flu) and it lasted 6 -14 days, I would go to the doctor and see what could be done to make it better. Problem is, there is nothing that can be done and my doctor doesn't really seem to care. He could at least prescribe me some good drugs that I could take when I get home from work. It's not like I have a social life or go anywhere anyway. We HAVE to scrape up the money for me to have this surgery. Soon. I can feel myself sinking into a pretty bad depression again. I feel helpless and like nobody cares about my pain. I am taking the postponement of my surgery very personally. It just seems so wrong. How come nothing ever goes they way I want (or need) it to? In the last year especially nothing has gone right. Joe didn't get a full time job(again), our financial situation has NOT changed, I didn't get the two jobs I applied for, we didn't get pregnant, we didn't get to move into a bigger place, etc. The list goes on and on. This is the point at which I would start listing the good things in my life but I just can't right now. I'm going to end now, before I bum everyone out that is reading. I'll feel better tomorrow. I hope.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

My first day back at work. Well, not officially, no kids yet, but I did have to get up at 6:30(a whole hour later than I usually have to get up) and be at work by 8:00. There is horrible traffic at 7:30 a.m. I'm so glad I don't have to drive there at that time every day! Staff meeting went fine...Boooorrring. I did get a lot done on the room today though. Got a ton of cleaning done. I must have thrown out five big trash cans full of stuff. Why do we hang on to so many things that we don't need? It is so nice to start the school year with a sparkling clean room. It will be a total disaster again by Christmas! (Oops! i just had a conversation with the therapist today about looking on the bright side of things. My glass is half full, not half empty! If only I truly believed that)

Monday, August 22, 2005

O.K. I didn't make it to my retreat today either. I am not usually such a flakey person, but when I am in so much pain it's hard just to get off the couch. It's not like I let anyone else down though. The people that I promised to drive had found another ride, since Oceanside is closer to where I live and they didn't want me to have to backtrack to pick them up. As soon as they called last night I think I knew I wouldn't be going, but I still set my alarm and made a half-hearted attempt to get up this morning. Tomorrow I have a mandatory meeting to attend, so I will have to go to work then, like it or not. Today I am planning on cleaning up a little around here. We have a lot to do before we have a home study done for the adoption. I have to get Joe's office cleaned out, and my scrapbooking area is a mess too. I am going to move the computer out into the living room so the extra bedroom can be the baby's room. I want it completely in order when they come. I know this is a few months off, but I don't want to procrastinate and there really is a lot to be done! We will probably have to get rid of the pond. It is definitely a safety issue for a toddler. We're going to rent a storage unit to put all of the crap that we want to save but don't have room for. And there is a lot of it!

P.S. My lunch with the ifertility group was fun. Only three of us were able to make it. It was nice to see them again though. I have really missed them. Out of the five of us, four have done or are doing procedures in the last month(Guess which one isn't? That's right-Me). I really do wish these women well in their efforts. For some of them it is the third or fourth time for IVF and it would be heart breakingfor them if it failed again. They are all in my prayers.

Here's a picture of me and the kids in S.F. last week at Cameron's Pirate Party

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Well, we never made it to play tennis last night. I think Joe was a little dissapointed. I have been feeling crummy since I got home. I have had 6 "episodes" in the last 2 days alone. I'm grateful that they waited until after I came home. I would have hated it if my time in S.F. was ruined because of the pain. I had a horrible one this morning. It lasted almost 25 minutes. Usually they are done in about 15 minutes. The pain is so bad. It feels like someone is taking my insides and trying to wring them out like a wet rag. I was surfing the internet last night, checking my bulletin boards. I belong to several. A few for infertility support, and one for Endometriosis. I was so bummed because some of those women have had 12 surgeries and are still in pain. Twelve!! I am debating about wether or not to have a third! Some of them had the surgery I am supposed to have and their pain was relieved, but one of them was still having pain even after. That REALLY bummed me out. I did some research and it seems that for this type of surgery it is possible for around 30 percent of women the surgery doesn't work and they still have pain afterwards. It's funny how the doctor doesn't tell you that when you are sitting across form him! I thought this was a sure thing, the answer to my prayers and now I am not so sure. I have to have hope that his will work though. If I don't have hope then there is nothing left to hang on to. Well, I have to go because I am meeting my infertility goup for lunch. I can't wait to see them. It seems like forever since I saw them last! They are the only people that will truly understand the dissapointment of my cancelled surgery. I need someone to talk to right now when I am feeling so bad.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

It is strange to be home. I feel kind of weird because I have nothing planned today! While I was visiting Lisa, we were going, going, going all the time! They are a very busy family! Joe and I are pretty low key. I'm sure this is in part because we don't have kids that need entertaining. The only plans we have today is to play tennis later. I may go to the library to return my books and check out some more. Kind of boring, but relaxing too. Although the kids don't start back to school until next Wednesday, I'll be at work all week attending meetings and getting our room ready. That part is fun, but it can be kind of lonely since I am the only one there. Our work retreat is on Monday, all day in Oceanside. That should be fun. I always enjoy them. It is nice to spend the day bonding with co-workers and God too! It is a nice spiritual start to the school year. And then I will still have Saturday-Tuesday to relax before another school year begins again. All in all it will be a nice break from my hectic summer schedule. I still can't believe school is starting. Christmas wil be here before we know it. It's true! Fall is my favorite time of year and it always flies by too quickly. I am really going to try and enjoy it this year. I want to do some "fall" activities this year, like go apple picking in Julian. We have done this once or twice and it was so fun.

Friday, August 19, 2005

I know I have been neglecting this for the last week but I've been on vacation. I didn't even check my e-mail while I was gone. I had a great time in S.F. with Lisa and the kids. Cameron had an awesome pirate party. I'll feel a little bad if we don't make it up there again in a month for Gracie's birthday. Doesn't she deserve a big bash like her brother has had for all four of his birthdays? It must be the second child syndrome I guess. I will have to worry more about this later when she actually understands what is going on. I can just hear her asking me why Aunt Michelle and Uncle Joe come to Cameron's birthday parties and not hers! I wish her birthday wasn't so close to his. It would make it easier. Oh well. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I had a very realaxing day off, despite this being my "bad" time of month. I only had about 5 episodes all week, so it wasn't that bad. I still need to decide what I am going to do about my cancelled surgery. We can't pay them right now, probably won't be able to until October or November. That puts my surgery at around Christmas or right after. I hope I can wait that long. I guess I don't have much of a choice. We aren't sure if we are going to do another insemination. We would like to just get going on the adoption and forget about getting pregnant at all(At least I would, I don't know if Joe is so sure yet about giving up hope for a biological child). I wish this wasn't such a difficult choice to make. It's not the adoption-we're both 100 percent sure that we want to do that. It's giving up being pregnant and having a child that is bilogically a part of both of us. I just wonder if I will always feel a bit wistful when I see a pregnant woman or the maternity section at the store. Or maybe that just goes away when you have a child, regardless of how you came about it. I guess all of this remains to be seen. The waiting is one of the hardest things.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Well, I wish I had better news to report, but I just don't. My surgery has been officially cancelled until we can pay off our overdue balance. This is so unfair. I could go to a different doctor and probably have a surgery with them in about a month, but I need to stay with this doctor for this particular surgery. There aren't a lot of doctors that are experienced at Pre-Sacral Neurectomies and this guy is the top one in his field. They called me at work to tell me this, and after I hung up with them I was bawling on the phone with Joe inside(while the kids were outside), and several of them came in to ask me something and saw me crying and it really upset them. I wasn't sure what to tell them, so I just told them I wasn't feeling well and tried very hard to stop. We had our end or summer party today, so it was a hectic day already. I feel like such an idiot anyway, because the other person that I work with just lost her husband 3 weeks ago and she hasn't shed a single tear, but here I am bursting into tears at the drop of a hat over something that probably seems so trivial to her. Looking on the bright side, at least tomorrrow is the last day of the summer program and I'll be driving up to S.F. on Saturday. Joe wanted me to cancel the trip because is very worried about my mental state right now, and he wants me close by(and also we are really struggling financially), but Dad and I decided that now is a good time for me to get away, so we're going. Maybe if I get some distance on this I can figure out what I should do next.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

And so it begins......

The 14 or 15 days out of the month when I begin to feel horrible. It's the time for warm baths, more OTC painkillers then any one individual should be taking, and heating pads on my stomach when I go to bed. The 2 weeks when I feel semi-normal go by so quickly, while these last 2 weeks just drag by. To make it even worse, I got a call from the doctor's office today telling me that I cannot have my surgery on September 7th unless we pay off the remainder of the money we owe from our last infertility treatments. We are severely delinquent with the payments, but we have been doing the best that we can do right now. Joe hasn't had a full paycheck in 2 months, and won't be getting one until October first. It just seems wrong that they can do this to me. If I got into a car accident and didn't have insurance would they let me die in the emergency room because I couldn't pay? I don't think so! When I told the person who called how wrong I thought it was, she told me that this was an "optional" surgery and not medically necessary, therefore they had the right to cancel it until they receive the full amount of the past due payment. "OPTIONAL"? In my eyes this surgery is NOT optional. Something has to be done to help me with this pain I live with every single month and have been living with for the last 15 years. This surgery is my last and only hope. I have tried every other treatment known to man, none of which have worked. This is it. My last chance. I don't know how they can say it is optional! Joe is going to call and talk to them tomorrow, so I'll know more then as to wether I'll be having the surgery or not.
This is so depressing. Sometimes it feels like everything is against us. We can't get pregnant on our own, we can't afford to do infertility treaments or adoption. It seems like we are destined to be childless. At every turn we encounter road blocks. I don't know how much more I can take. To top it all off it appears as if I am also destined to be in terrible pain for the rest of my life.
I have been to 7 doctors now, none of which have been able to help me. I just don't have the energy to go to another doctor. I am at the end of my rope. I'm praying for a miracle now.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Had a fun and busy weekend. We celebrated Cameron's birthday, then I spent some time in San Diego with Lisa and Scott. The reunion was fun. The babies are so cute. They have really grown up. Not much else going on. This is the last week of our summer program. This summer truly flew by! School will be starting before we know it. Luckily I get two weeks off first. I'll spend one week in S.F. with Lisa and the kids, then one week will be spent attending staff meetings and getting the room ready for the start of school. Here are some pictures of my fun weekend.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting my trip to China(Only to miss my flight by a whole day!) I can't believe Gracie has only been with us for a year! It seems like she has always been a part of our family. Hopefully Joe and I will be giving her a Chinese cousin soon. We're going to start saving! The doctor's office called, and my surgery is going to be on September 7th. It seems so soon! I was thinking it would be at least another month. I'm a little scared. I am going to try not to think about it just yet. I want to enjoy the rest of my summer first. Tomorrow is our big carnival at work. I am not looking forward to it. It is just so much work. I have had to do all the shopping, make all the games, decorate the room, remind all of the parents to pay the fee, and then clean up the entire thing when it's done. It is a huge deal and to top it all off I have been trying to get the house (and my car) ready for Lisa's visit. Friday will be a well deserved day off for me. Well, I have to go because Joe wants to play Tennis again.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Tennis anyone?

Joe has been bugging me for months to play tennis with him. I wasn't too keen on the idea, but I figured I would humor him. We have tennis courts all around us in any 5 mile radius. So yesterday he goes to the grocery store(supposedly) and comes back with a surprise for me. You guessed it--tennis rackets!
Well, we played our first game yesterday(if you can call it a game). We mostly just tried to lobby back and forth. You would think I could play better than I do, since I took four years of tennis in high school, but sadly this wasn't the case. We both are equally bad! On the positive side, I got a really good workout chasing the ball around and actually had a good time. I may even take lessons!