48 months

48 months.  Four Years.  That's how long we have waited for this adoption to go through.  When you add in the year it took us to prepare our paperwork, that puts us at 5 years total.  Just for the adoption alone. We tried to get pregnant for 5 years before that.

I always told myself that if it was in God's plan for us to have children, then we would have them.  I'm not sure how many signs we have to get before I will see that maybe it's just not meant to be.

It looks as though we aren't going to make it to the end of this adoption.

 22 months of unemployment have put us in a position where we cannot financially continue on.  Unless a miracle happens in the next 6 months, we will have come to the end of this road. All signs pointing to us living child free.  I know there are other options, other avenues that can be pursued, down the road.

I can't think about them right now.

All I can do is grieve for this.

This one hope that we have had for the last 5 years, come to an end.

Today, on the four year anniversary of being logged in with China all I have are tears for all that we have lost and for what will never be.

I had Joe turn off her light a few months ago.  I just couldn't bear to look at it.

To our Sophie:  We are so very sorry.  We fought the good fight. You will always have a place in our hearts.  We loved you so, even though we never saw your face.



The only thing we have left to do is call our adoption agency and have them pull our paperwork.
Joe wants to wait 6 more months.  I want to do it now, get it over with.  For now I am letting him have his way.  Mostly because I don't want to fight over something that is already causing us so much pain.

I don't know what we will do with the crib. Or the baby clothes. Or the toys.  For now they are in storage, where they will probably sit until I can muster up the strength to sort through them and give them away.  For anyone that gave me a gift during the course of this adoption, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I treasured each one. If you have your child at home now and you would like your gift back, I will gladly send it to you.  I would feel so much better knowing that it was being put to use and bringing a child joy than sitting in a box.