About Last Night

So yeah, I mentioned that I was feeling better today.  What I didn't mention is how rough last night was.

Around 9:00 I started having chills and a severe headache.  Like the worst headache I have had, ever. I took some Advil.  I know, I'm not supposed to take Advil but desperate times call for desperate measures, right?  So I took 2 Advil.  No relief.  So I took one more.  At this point I was feeling so poorly that I decided to go to bed.  I was having chills so bad I was shaking.  I piled as many blankets as I could find on me and attempted to go to sleep.  No luck.  Too much coughing to sleep.  Got up and took some Robitussin.  Took my temperature.  It was 101.  This after I had taken 3 Advil.

At this point I remembered what the nurse had told me. If I got worse I should consider going to the hospital, at the very least to be given I.V. fluids.  Contemplated it for a moment but honestly I was feeling so ill the thought of getting up and driving over to the hospital made me want to cry.  I decided to wait and see how I felt in the morning.

Tried to go back to sleep.  I was *freezing* cold.   Literally shaking.  Finally managed to doze of into a fitful sleep.

Woke up at 2:30 to use the bathroom.  While in there I started to feel dizzy and extremely nauseous. Started vomiting.  Felt the most miserable I have ever felt in my entire life.  Thankfully the vomiting didn't last long.  Stumbled back to bed.  Managed to doze off again.

An hour later woke up feeling like the sheets were wet.  Turned on the light to find it was in fact me that was soaking wet, along with the sheets and pillows I was sleeping on.  I'm guessing that meant the fever had broken.

Finally fell into a deep sleep and stayed that way until the morning.  Woke up this morning feeling almost normal(aside from the cough and body aches).

It's looking now like I most certainly had(have) the flu.  I can understand why the nurse thought it might only be a cold, as some of the flu like symptoms didn't come on until after I spoke with him, but deep down I suspected it was the flu.  I need to listen to my intuition more.  I'm not sure how it would have changed things, because I was dead set against going to the hospital(even though I probably should have).  But I should not be so stubborn and I need to take care of myself better. 

I hope I didn't infect too many people.  I'm sure Joe will come down with it, but I'm hoping my co-workers will be spared, as well as the children I work with on Mondays and Wednesdays.  Especially the babies.  I'm always kissing on them.

O.K. I'm done talking about how sick I have been.  I do realize how boring it is.

Sickness. Blargh.

Well yesterday's "cold" has turned into something a lot worse.  I haven't been this sick in a very long time. We thought I might have the flu.

This scared us. Because I have a compromised immune system(due to the kidney disease), the flu can be dangerous for me.

We were contemplating a trip to the E.R.  I really (really) didn't want to go to the E.R.  I called the 24 hour nurse line today and they said I should wait and see how I felt in the morning.

They don't think it's the flu.  Just an upper respiratory infection.  Or a very bad cold.

Thank goodness.

I still feel perfectly rotten.  I hope I feel better tomorrow.

First the leg injury, now this. It truly is always something with me.

Sigh.

Friday. Yay! And also Blah.

Today was such a blah day.  The weather was gray and gloomy.  Work was kind of slow.  Overall I just felt blah.  I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or what. I've had that lingering headache for the last three days(even though I picked up my hormone patch last night-hurray!).  

It's eight o'clock and I just got out of the bath tub and I'm  laying on my couch feeling, well, Blah.  I really hope I'm not getting sick.

I'm supposed to spend the entire day tomorrow at a friend's one year old's birthday party.  I'm going early to help out, and staying late because I don't have a car, so I really need to be feeling better than I am feeling right now.

 I think I'll be okay after a good night's sleep. I have a feeling it's just a flare up of the kidney disease. 

 The kidney disease that I cannot afford to see a doctor for right now due to  the pre-existing conditions clause my insurance company placed on me.  

Bl.ue Cr.oss sucks.   Actually, from personal experience I find that most in.surance companies suck. 

 I'm not spelling anything out because I don't want people coming to my blog by googling 

"Bl.ue Cr.oss sucks". 

 Did you you know two people found their way here this week after Googling "I hate Mother's Day"?

Nice.  

Did I really say that I hated Mother's Day?  

Gosh.  Angry much? 

For the record, I don't hate Mother's Day. It's just a hard day for me and it makes me sad. 

Sometimes anger is an easier emotion for me to verbalize than sadness.

I do know that one day in the future Mother's Day will be a joyous day for me. 

And I am capable of being happy for those that I know who have their Moms, or are Moms.

After all, I am spending the entire day tomorrow at a friend's house, celebrating her daughter's first birthday.  And she's pregnant again, and I am thrilled for her. Especially since we met through an infertility support group.  That makes the celebration and the pregnancy even sweeter.  Hi Lynn!  See you tomorrow!

Someday it will be me. Someday.  Until then we'll wait. And I will try  not to be so angry.  

Have a great Mother's Day weekend.

And people-

If you have your Mom

Or you are a Mom

Be grateful.  

Very, very grateful.

Spring Cleaning

I'm kind of laying low today. I'm going to be gone the whole weekend next week, so I figure I better rest up now.  I have spent most of the morning cleaning.  The kitchen was a mess, and the living room needed to be de-cluttered and a good vacuuming.  Why is it that my husband can be home all day during the week and not accomplish these things?  Never mind-don't answer that.  I don't even have the energy to get into a discussion about why husbands do(or don't do) things.  The truth is I haven't been feeling all that great.  I began noticing it about a month ago.  A constant, dull headache.  Sore throat that comes and goes without rhyme nor reason, and never develops into anything more.  Body aches.  Feeling very tired, even though I got enough rest the night before.  It's funny how it takes my brain awhile to catch on to what my body is telling me.  At first it's just a nagging worry in the back of my mind.  Haven't I felt this before?  Why are these symptoms so familiar?  And then it hits me.  This is exactly the way I felt for over a year before they diagnosed the kidney disease.  Before I took the  evil Prednisone, which put the disease into remission.  Before the doctor's visit at which my nephrologist told me it was "amazing" how well my body was responding to the evil Prednisone and how "lucky I was that the remission was lasting so long"(15 months now).    For most people it only lasts a short three-six months.   Crap.  I knew this was a possibility.  I know the odds.  I was lucky.  I got relief for fifteen months.  Most people can't say that.  But it still sucks.  I don't even want to get into the repercussions of this right now. I don't even know for sure if it's back.  I don't do another 24 hour urine test or see the doctor again until mid April.  Until then I must find a way not to worry about it. Worrying won't change the outcome.  So for now I just take care of myself.  Get enough rest, keep exercising, try to eat right.  (Why is that one so hard for me?)  And live my life.  That's about all I can do.  Well, that and pray.  Lots of praying.

Oh and guess who  my husband got to ring up at his part time job last night?  Mark McGuire

No kidding!  And do you know what I said when he told me that?  "Really?  The front man from Sugar Ray?"  (I used to love them. What happened to them?)   He replied "No doofus. Not Mark McGrath.  Mark McGuire. The baseball player".  (Doofus is a term of endearment in our house).    But he didn't ask for his autograph or anything, because he's too cool for that.  But I did ask him what he bought.   He had two little boys with him and he bought a bunch of Transformers books.  My husband said only a woman would have asked what he bought.  Whatever. Inquiring minds want to know!

Public Service Announcement

Did you know today is World Kidney Day? There are 26 millions Americans that suffer from chronic kidney disease and 100,000 people on the national waiting list for lifesaving organs. There is a very high chance(70%) that I will be one of those people in the next seven to ten years.

Did you also know that the actor/comedian George Lopez unknowingly suffered from kidney disease and recently received a kidney transplant from his wife?

Kidney disease is scary because the symptoms can be hard to diagnose. Some people have no symptoms at all until their kidneys have already been damaged. That was the case with me. I knew that something was not right and I "just didn't feel good", but I kept going to the doctor and they couldn't find anything wrong. Finally my General Practitioner noticed a high amount of both blood and protein in my urine and after months of tests and a kidney biospy I was diagnosed. The disease had been in my body for five or six years, but no one caught it and irreparable damage to both my kidneys had already occurred by that time.

Kidney disease can be caused by high blood pressure, or diabetes. Even using too many over the counter pain killers over a long period of time can cause kidney disease. In my case, it is an autoimmune disease. That means my body is attacking itself. We don't know why. Just lucky I guess. :) That means I didn't do anything or have any other disease that caused it. I probably had the disease for ten or more years and the symptoms only started showing up in the last 5.

In fact, if it hadn't been for the medical paperwork that was required for the adoption, I might still not have a diagnosis and I very well could have gone into kidney failure. So you could say that this adoption saved my life!

For more information on kidney disease, go to the National Kidney Foundation website.

Out Germs, Out!

I am banishing all sickness from my house today. I'm done with it. I'm washing every single linen we own, all of the windows are open and we're airing the place out. I'm tackling some clutter piles we have laying around from Christmas too. I'm convinced that clutter plays a part in my getting(or staying sick). I'm sure of it. My husband disagrees. Perhaps because most of the clutter I have been tackling belongs to him. I'm still feeling a bit weak. I think probably because I haven't been up and around in three days. And also I'm not eating. I'm just not hungry and nothing sounds good and I'm a little bit nauseous. I've lost a bit of weight. Nothing to write home about. A couple of pounds. I have to go back to the gym in the next week or so. I promised my kidney doctor I would. And since now I have to go back and see him in a month instead of three(darn sickness!), I have to have lost at least a little bit of weight or he'll be all over me about it. Fun. I found memory card laying around in my suitcase from Christmas(Yes. I just put it away today. So? :) I'm going to download it right now and if it is anything interesting I'll post some of them. Gotta go. Have tons of laundry to fold.

Things are Starting to Look Up

I am feeling so much better today. Finally. The cold seems to be almost completely gone. All of the swelling/joint pain is gone too, except for some pain in my knuckles. I am resisting the urge to get out of bed today. I promised myself I was going to rest all weekend and get completely better for work on Monday. We are crazy busy on Monday, as it is a holiday and all the kids are out of school and they all want to get into the orthodontist on their day off. I will be better by then. I will. Anyway, I have so much catching up to do. I was nominated for another blog award while I was gone, and I'm going to be participating in a "Pay it Forward" exchange(that I am very excited about), and I have lots of crafting to get done. Chinese New Year's and Valentine's to get out, and I'm going to get my sewing machine out this month too. Lots to do! But first, rest. And healing.

Things get even more worse(worser?).....but then slightly better

The pain and swelling of every joint in my body went from bad, to worse, to the worst pain I have ever felt last night. I couldn't stand upright. My hands were frozen in what I can only explain as "lobster claws". My knees and ankles felt like someone was sticking pins and needles into them. This was a whole other level of pain. And I know pain. I suffered with it for over twenty years and had four surgeries to try an relieve it. But this pain? No, I have never in my life experienced it. And I have to say, if this is what people with arthritis feel on a daily basis, my heart goes out to you. Because I don't know how one goes about living with this type of pain on a daily basis. I just don't. So after an agonizing night(Joe had to take me to the bathroom. I couldn't untie my pajama pants), it was decided that we need to go to the hospital. We pulled into the hospital around ten this morning, and they were pretty quick about getting the show on the road. My hands were so swollen they had to cut my wedding ring off. There were some tears shed over this fact. It's just a ring. And it can be fixed. I know that. It's just I haven't had it off for more than a few hours time in the entire length of our marriage and we're coming up on our fifteenth year and I felt a bit sad watching them cut it off with what looked like a teeny-tiny table saw. Next came the I.V. Followed by some pain medication. Ahhhh, wonderful, glorious pain medication. And some Benadryl. Lots of Benadryl. And some Steroids, and anti-nausea medicine. This was followed by my immediate passing out on the bed(and I use this term loosely) on my part. Because no sleep + Benadry + pain and nausea meds = nighty night time for me! We were there for a couple more hours before they came in and told me I could go home, and then I signed some papers, got dressed and Joe helped me to the car, and we drove home and I don't remember one thing. He told I even ate a hot dog before I climbed into bed. Huh???? How could I eat something and not remember it?
And I just got up. Just now, at 6:10 p.m. I slept literally like a rock. And I'm not planning on leaving this bed until I get up for work on Monday. Because I have to get better this weekend. I just have to. My life has been a blur of sickness and bed rest since January First and I'm tired of it. I've got some living to do. I am feeling so much better right now, that I am hopeful this will all be a distant memory by Sunday(squeezing my eyes shut as tight as I can and praying "pleaseGodpleaseGodplease." Maybe you all could pray as well. I could really use it about now. Oh, and like Kylie's Momma says, for Joe too. Because he really is quite a trooper. And he's my trooper.

PS. I hate Blogger. Lately it won't load all of my graphics or pictures, and today the pink background color is gone so you can't read the text. I'm sick of it and would love to change, but I don't want to lose all of the beautiful stuff Verna did for me. Is it acting funny for you guys too, or just me?

In Which the Situation goes from Bad to Worse

Yesterday evening my husband picked up my prescription for Super Duper Antibiotics. (I'm not kidding. This stuff is used to kill Anthrax). So as soon as he gets home with it, I take one because I need to start feeling better. And now. The evening goes on as planned, with me feeling like crap and going to bed early. At about 9:00 I tried to change the sheets on the bed before getting into it for the night. I say try because I found that I wasn't able to do it. I don't know how to explain it, except that my hands wouldn't work properly. I didn't have the strength in them to pull the sheets over the mattress. Joe had to come in and do it for me. I thought it a bit odd, but got into bed and it didn't cross my mind again. This morning I got up. Still felt like crap. Hoping for the Antibiotics to kick in today. When I went to get ready I noticed my wrists were quite stiff and painful when I rotated them. I had a hard time brushing my hair. And getting dressed. In fact, I was fifteen minutes late getting to work because it took me that much longer to get ready. Weird. Got to work. Still felt like crap. Took my second dose of Super Duper Antibiotics, because dude, I must feel better soon. I must. Continued to feel like crap at work, with the pain in my wrists really becoming uncomfortable. At lunch I went and laid down in my car. And cried to Joe on the phone about how much pain I was in, and how I didn't think the antibiotics are working and how I still feel like crap. Somehow I manage to make it the rest of the day at work, but by four-thirty the pain is becoming unbearable not only in my wrists, but in my neck too. I find I cannot even turn it from side to side. This makes driving home ummmm.......interesting. Well, that and the crying. Because I cried all the way home. Finally reach my apartment, barely able to walk, crying, and in extreme pain. My poor husband. I was running a fever too. Again. Or at this point, still? I got into the bathtub to see if it would alleviate some of the pain. It does, but only slightly. At this point my husband is putting in frantic calls to my doctor, to see what to do, and my co-worker, because he tells me there is no way I am going into work tomorrow in this much pain. I am oblivious to all of this because I am bawling in the bath tub. I've never felt joint pain like this. I couldn't even lift a glass off of the table to drink from it. Or turn my neck even the slightest bit from side to side. Finally my doctor returns Joe's call, at which time he tells me I am having a serious allergic reaction to Super Duper Antibiotics and stop taking them immediately! Oh, and maybe even head on over to the emergency room if I have time. Or, wait an hour or so to see if things get worse, and then head over to the emergency room. Well you know how much I love the ER, and since I have been there twice in the last four months already, we decide to wait it out. Well, I beg and plead with my husband to please let me try to wait it out because I don't want to go to the ER, I don't want to! So much Tylenol and another bath and an hour and a half later, and things seem to be improving. Slightly. Still can't move my neck but pain from wrists is easing up a bit. I am laying in bed with my laptop perched precariously on my stomach and my wrists resting on a pillow just type this. So tomorrow it is back to the doctor for a 411 on how I am allergic to Super Duper antibiotics and plan B to get rid of this sinus and kidney infection. I won't even go into how this whole situation is destroying any credibility I am trying to gain at my new job. That's a whole other Oprah. Or another post, at least. And I'm thinking I've got to catch a break here somewhere. I just have to. You hear that Universe? You win. I'm standing here waving my white flag. I surrender.

Sicker than a dog

I wonder where that phrase came from. Or what it means. Do dogs get really sick a lot? Hmmmmm....something to ponder. Anyway, that phrase fits me to a T. I have been very sick this last week. Aside from dragging(literally) myself to work every day, I have been in my bed. That's where I went when I got home from work on Friday. It's where I spent all day Saturday and Sunday, and where I crawled after work on Monday and Tuesday. I've been there all day today. I have just been so sick. Today Joe made me go to the doctor. It's a good thing too. I have a raging sinus infection. I am about one day away from Bronchitis. And(it gets better!), I have a Kidney infection. No wonder I've been in so much pain. My doctor was none too pleased. A kidney infection for those of us with kidney disease is not something to be taken lightly. So of course I got a fifteen minute lecture on how dangerous this is, and how I have a compromised immune system, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not trying to be condescending about what the doctor had to say. It's just that I had a fever of a hundred and two and was having a hard time sitting upright for any length of time and really just wanted him to give me something to make me feel better so I could go home. So now I'm on a course of heavy duty antibiotics. Heavy duty. In fact, I don't think I have ever been on such a strong dose before. So that's how my week has been. How about yours? You know how in my last post I was saying that when it rains it pours? Well it's raining cats and dogs over here. And I can't for the life of me find my umbrella.

I deleted that last post because man, depressed much? The depresssion is due to more than just the bleak news regarding the wait. Lots more going on. When it rains it pours I guess. So I'm still taking a break. Be back when I'm feeling physically and hopefully mentally better.

I'm trying to shake the negative vibe that's been hanging over me lately. Between the never ending sickness that has been plaguing me, and the issues my husband has been having, to the financial situation right now , combined with new rumors that we won't be getting our referral for Sophie until 2011, I can feel myself slipping into that dark place where I have nothing good to say(or write). I don't want to go there, and I especially don't want it to spill over onto here. So I may be taking a break. I'm not sure yet. I'll see how things go over the next few days. If I start to hear that little voice in my head saying "Step away from the computer", I may be gone for a little while. I don't know for how long, but I'll keep you posted(ha! get it? Keep you "posted"?) I'm off now to rest and think positive thoughts.

Today did not start off well at all. I had to take the morning off because Joe needed me. I had a temp of 102 degrees last night. It doesn't appear as if this cold is getting any better. I felt so bad taking off because it leaves the office manager there to deal with things alone and I know that's hard. This job differs from my old job in that I could not take off in the morning at all, but I was able to leave early if needed. At my new job the afternoons are crazy busy, but the mornings are sometimes slow. I have tried not to take any time off, as I am still pretty new there, but there have been a couple of mornings already that I have missed. I'm headed into work in a half hour or so now. I hope things went smoothly and were uneventful while I was gone. I guess I'll know in a short while. I was able to get something important taken care of for Joe, so it was worth it. And it's Friday, so Yay! Maybe this weekend will bring rest, and healing and alleviation of some worries.

It's called a Life....Get one!

It is my day off. How I love those words. My day off. In the middle of the week. I love my job. Anyway, it's my day off and it is 12:35 p.m. And I am in bed. In fact, I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I've been reading, and fooling around on the computer. My husband even brought me coffee and a bagel in bed. It's going on day seven of this cold and there is no end in sight. My sinuses are swollen shut, I have a horrible cough and my snot is yellow with a slight green tinge. Sorry. That was entirely too much information. And really gross. Yes, I know it is time to go to the doctor. But I've been putting it off. When you have to go to the doctor as often as I do, you're really not in the mood to go unless it is absolutely necessary to do so. So I lie here in bed. At 12:35 p.m. Don't hate me because I have no kids. And am lazy. I have so much to do. So much. To do. I still have not cleaned out my car from our trip. Yes, the one that we came back from a week ago. I've been sick, okay? I still have the last of the Christmas decorations to put away. Don't worry. I took them down. I just haven't put them away. Speaking of which, I have seen at least three different houses(in different neighborhoods) on my way home from work with their Christmas lights on at night. What the? Listen people--Christmas lights need to come down right after New Year's. It is not Christmas anymore. It's time to move on. I mean, some of you have had them up since the day after Halloween, so it's not like you haven't had the time to enjoy them! This post is very informative, no? Because I know you are all sitting around at home or at work and thinking to yourselves "I wonder what Michelle is doing on her day off?" Inquiring minds want to know. So yeah, I kind of need to get a life. And soon.



**Alright, I used to work at a Catholic School(for fourteen years!), so I should have known this, but the Advent season just ended on Sunday with the Epiphany of the Lord, so that may be the reason for the lights. So if you have your lights on for religious reasons, I apologize. But if you have them up because you are just lazy, for goodness sakes don't turn them on!

I'm sick. Blech. Scratchy throat. Runny nose. Body aches. Last day of vacation. Don't even have energy for complete sentences. Blah. Not my favorite way to start the new year.
Hopefully little better tomorrow.

Do Over

I deleted the entire last post. I don't know why I let small, insignificant things bother me like that. I guess I'm just stressed out and felt rotten all weekend and then had a stressful day at work. And I'm a little worried about my scan on Wednesday. I know I shouldn't be. But I am. The holidays are getting me down because things are going to be different this year than years past and I don't like different. Now it looks like my husband will not be able to get off work while I visit my sister and we will have to spend most of our time off apart. I wish all of my friends and family lived close together and we could all just spend the holidays together. That's all I want for Christmas. To spend time with my family. I don't know why that has to be so hard to make happen. I deleted the comments I didn't like and decided to leave Gracie's video up for now. I'm going to bed and will have a better attitude in the morning.

Thank you for all the good thoughts regarding my headache yesterday. It is sooooo much better today. I still have some lingering pain on the left side of my neck, but it's manageable. I'm not sure if it was some kind of migraine or what. I have been having some neck problems that manifests in a headache, but nothing like this one. I'm glad to be rid of that! Still, it is definitely something worth mentioning when I go to the doctor again. I haven't done much today. Joe is at work and I'm laying on the couch in my P.J.'s watching a Little House on the Prairie Christmas special. I heart Little House on the Prairie. I would love to buy some of the seasons on DVD. It was one of my favorite shows as a child. Next on is "The Walton's Christmas." Yippee! Gotta love the Hallmark Channel! The Christmas tree is lit and it is quite cozy. Soon I'll have to start thinking about laundry and dinner, but for now I'm staying put on the couch.

I have a headache so bad it's almost crippling. I managed to crawl out of bed this morning and go see my Dad, but have been in bed ever since. It could be a migraine. But not like any migraine I have ever had before. It hurts in the back of my head, on one side, with the pain radiating down my neck and left arm. Tylenol isn't even touching the pain. Please don't comment to tell me I am having a heart attack or a stroke. I have already Googled those ailments and I don't have any of the other symptoms. This is how well my husband knows me. When he came home from work I was in bed. As soon as he came in the room I said "I have a really bad headache. I think I could be having a stroke or something." His answer?(Without missing a beat) "I'm sorry sweetie. I'll get you some Tylenol after I take a shower". Then he closed the bathroom door and got into the shower. Perhaps he is aware of my tendency to over react. Either that or he is insensitive :)

Tired

I'm so tired. I think I may be coming down with something. Ugh. I feel like I'm just not ready for Christmas. I mean, I'm done shopping, but the presents are sitting there unwrapped. I have my Christmas cards, but I haven't sent them out. I am always so gung ho at the beginning of the holiday season, but then I kind of fizzle out at the end. I'm tired. I have to have an x-ray on my ankle because it still swells up and causes me pain from when I fell down my sister's staircase in October. When I called to make the appointment, they asked me would I also like to make my appt. for the follow up mammogram that I missed, because they really need to see me before Christmas and I have to have an ultrasound of my breast too, and why haven't I called to reschedule because it is imperative that I get in before Christmas. Oops. And also Huh? When I called to make the first appt. she told me I was only having a second mammogram(no ultrasound) and that there was no hurry to get it done. I'm not sure when that changed but now I'm slightly worried. Why do I need an ultrasound? And why is it all of a sudden "imperative" that I get in before Christmas? I'm going to put it out of my mind for now. Worrying is not going to change anything. I have to go see if I can put together something for myself for dinner. Joe's working and I have a headache. And oh yeah, I'm tired.



P.S. Thanks for all the suggestions on what to do about the wasted electricity going on at my house. I should say though, that it is a very small children's lamp and there is an energy saving bulb(the weird spiral kind) in it. I do like the idea of one of those electric candles though. I'll have to run that one by my hubby.

Always Look on the Bright Side

I've been trying to look on the bright side. To see things more
positively. I really have. But it's hard when you are puking your guts out and having uncontrollable diarrhea. I'm sorry if that gave you an image in your head that you really didn't want, but how can one person be sick so much, consecutively. How? Please let this be the end of the illness. Please.

Oh, and it has been three months since our LID, so that's something. I'll hang on to that.