Should

I should be:

Excited about Dragon Boat practice starting this morning and Joe attending with me for the first time.

Enjoying the beautiful weather we are having.  (High in the mid-eighties with a slight breeze).

Loving driving down the freeway with all of  the windows down and the radio blaring .

Thinking about all of the things in the post below that I am thankful for.

Instead I am:

Waiting on something that is so long overdue that are lives are unravelling right before our eyes the longer we wait for it.

Wondering if my husband will ever find a job and our lives will have a sense of normalcy again.

Isolating myself from friends and family.

Dreaming of a child I don't believe is ever coming.

Dreading the time I took off from work in a couple of weeks for the camping trip we won't be able  to go on.

Crying myself to sleep over an e-mail I wish I had never sent and the repercussions from it.

All I feel is sadness.

I am going to church with a friend later and dinner afterward.  Maybe that will make me feel better.  

Because this sadness?

It sucks more that I can convey.

And It's  getting old.

Weary

I have never been so tired in my entire life.


I feel heavy. It’s hard to move.

Stress has weighed me down.

It’s like a heavy coat on my shoulders that I can’t shrug off.

I feel like I could sleep for weeks, but when it comes time for that my body will have none of it.

I know, I know. It’s always darkest before the dawn. This too, shall pass. Blah, blah, blah.

Right now I’m just so weary.



I am too weary to listen, too angry to hear.

                                          -Daniel Bell

Bullets

--Still no car

--Thankful for friends and family for lending us one to get to work this week.

--Next week it'll be the bus. I'm dead serious.

--Taking a wee break. It's better for everyone when I'm this down to disappear for awhile.

--Trying to take a cue from this gal and muster up some positive energy.

--Wish me luck.

--Bye for now.

In a Funk

I'm in some kind of funk and subsequently fallen into a blogger's slump.  Hey, that rhymed.  I've had kind of a rough week. It isn't attributed to one thing, but a combination of a lot of things.  I'm fighting with my health insurance company over their unwillingness to provide me with the health insurance I deserve.  Did you know that if you have a major health problem and you don't have any health insurance then you aren't eligible to obtain insurance?  It's ridiculous.  Reading that sentence you probably figured out that I had to let my Co.Bra insurance lapse.  I had no choice.  My husband lost his job and we simply couldn't afford the (over)one thousand dollar a month cost.  I wasted over six hundred dollars on a short term plan that was supposed to ensure that I would be eligible once my insurance at work kicked in.  They lied.  It's os frustrating and stressful.  My husband lost his job over three months ago and was only last week able to find something to tide us over until the new semester starts again(in August!). Him starting a new job is in itself unsettling for me.  He's working the graveyard shift.  So he'll teach at the one school he has left during the day, and then he'll work overnight shifts at a local retail store.  I have mixed feelings about this. I am grateful he found a job. I am.  We're having a very hard time without the pay from the job he lost.  It's the shift I'm worried about.  Sure, I'll be sleeping when he's gone, but I'm not too keen on being in our apartment alone all night.  I don't sleep well when he's not there(even if it's just in the next room).  And then there's the fact that he'll be asleep during the day.  Yes, I'll be at work for the most part during this time,  but I'm worried he won't have time to do anything around the house or take care of the things that we have designated his responsibilities because he'll literally either be at work or sleeping.  I'll grow accustomed to it I'm sure. We both will.  But we're trying so hard to work through some of the problems in our marriage (for the most part successfully) and there are so many extra stressors right now.  I'm so grateful to have weekends like last week to get away and have some fun but sometimes it makes it extra hard to come back to all of the stress, only to find things piling up even more.  We'll get through this.  I know.  I'm just feeling a bit down and in a funk.  I'll snap out of it.

Sorry if yesterday's post scared some of you. No, nothing happened. I was just looking at my wedding ring and wondering if it was some kind of foreshadowing that they cut it off two weeks ago when I was at the emergency room. I'm feeling sad. And tired. There is so much work involved in "fixing" the problems we have been having. Lots of appointments to go to and lots of talking to do. I'm tired of talking. I wish everything would just be O.K. again. We are coming up our fifteenth wedding anniversary next week. I'm supposed to be celebrating. Not worrying and shedding tears and being angry at the person I love. I wish last week never happened.

Yesterday was a cold and rainy day. It suited my mood perfectly. I drove around all day yesterday, frantically running errands trying to get something done that is very important that has been long over due. Then when I got to my final destination I was unable to complete the task. This had me so frustrated that I ended up crying at the counter of the DMV. Uhhhhh...dramatic much? The woman behind the counter was very nice about the whole situation and gave me not one, but three numbers to call to try and get the situation sorted out tomorrow. So I will sort it out tomorrow. But I really wanted to get it done today. Sigh. On the way home Joe and I drove by the beach and it was a beautiful, stormy day so we went for a walk on the shore, where I wrote this in the sand:



















Cue more tears on my part. Must. Get. Hormone Level. Checked.
Soon.

I deleted that last post because man, depressed much? The depresssion is due to more than just the bleak news regarding the wait. Lots more going on. When it rains it pours I guess. So I'm still taking a break. Be back when I'm feeling physically and hopefully mentally better.

I'm trying to shake the negative vibe that's been hanging over me lately. Between the never ending sickness that has been plaguing me, and the issues my husband has been having, to the financial situation right now , combined with new rumors that we won't be getting our referral for Sophie until 2011, I can feel myself slipping into that dark place where I have nothing good to say(or write). I don't want to go there, and I especially don't want it to spill over onto here. So I may be taking a break. I'm not sure yet. I'll see how things go over the next few days. If I start to hear that little voice in my head saying "Step away from the computer", I may be gone for a little while. I don't know for how long, but I'll keep you posted(ha! get it? Keep you "posted"?) I'm off now to rest and think positive thoughts.

This is kind of random. I don't think I have ever shared this before, but my husband writes beautiful poetry. His is after all an English Professor, and has a Master's degree in English. He writes much of his poetry for me. It truly is beautiful. It often makes me cry. He doesn't let me share it here because he says it is very private and is only for me and him to read. I respect that. But sometimes it is so beautiful that I want to post it here for the world to see and shout "Read this! It is so beautiful! My husband wrote it!" But I don't. Because he asked me not to. I'm thinking that in honor of Valentine's Day and our fifteenth wedding annniversary next month, I may convince him to let me share some of it. I'll see what I can do. He is having a hard time of it lately. Again, because of his privacy I can't share what's going on, but I feel so badly for him and want so much to help in some way. He is always taking care of me. He takes me to my docotor appointments. He picks up my medicine from the pharmacy. He cleans the house and cooks when all I want to do is lie in bed all day. I'm not as good of a caretaker as he is. I have much guilt about that. I try to be better. With marginal success. The truth is, it's hard for both of us right now. We're struggling financially. Everyone is, I'm sure, because of Christmas. We have some other financial issues that we're dealing with on top of that, along with struggling to pay the astronomical COBRA fees to keep my health insurance up. Right now we're behind. I don't qualify for health care through my job until March and right now I wonder if we'll make it that long. I think about letting it lapse, if only for a short time. But I have to have continuous coverage in order to qualify for my job's plan. So I can't afford to keep the plan I have, but I can't afford to be without it. But there is no healthcare crisis in this country. Sigh. Anyway, the point of this post was that I am worried about my husband. Send good thoughts our way. Please. It will be fine. I know that. I just wish there was something I could do to make it better for him. All I can do is hug him and tell him I love him and that it wil all be okay.

Do Over

I deleted the entire last post. I don't know why I let small, insignificant things bother me like that. I guess I'm just stressed out and felt rotten all weekend and then had a stressful day at work. And I'm a little worried about my scan on Wednesday. I know I shouldn't be. But I am. The holidays are getting me down because things are going to be different this year than years past and I don't like different. Now it looks like my husband will not be able to get off work while I visit my sister and we will have to spend most of our time off apart. I wish all of my friends and family lived close together and we could all just spend the holidays together. That's all I want for Christmas. To spend time with my family. I don't know why that has to be so hard to make happen. I deleted the comments I didn't like and decided to leave Gracie's video up for now. I'm going to bed and will have a better attitude in the morning.

Thank you for all the good thoughts regarding my headache yesterday. It is sooooo much better today. I still have some lingering pain on the left side of my neck, but it's manageable. I'm not sure if it was some kind of migraine or what. I have been having some neck problems that manifests in a headache, but nothing like this one. I'm glad to be rid of that! Still, it is definitely something worth mentioning when I go to the doctor again. I haven't done much today. Joe is at work and I'm laying on the couch in my P.J.'s watching a Little House on the Prairie Christmas special. I heart Little House on the Prairie. I would love to buy some of the seasons on DVD. It was one of my favorite shows as a child. Next on is "The Walton's Christmas." Yippee! Gotta love the Hallmark Channel! The Christmas tree is lit and it is quite cozy. Soon I'll have to start thinking about laundry and dinner, but for now I'm staying put on the couch.

I have a headache so bad it's almost crippling. I managed to crawl out of bed this morning and go see my Dad, but have been in bed ever since. It could be a migraine. But not like any migraine I have ever had before. It hurts in the back of my head, on one side, with the pain radiating down my neck and left arm. Tylenol isn't even touching the pain. Please don't comment to tell me I am having a heart attack or a stroke. I have already Googled those ailments and I don't have any of the other symptoms. This is how well my husband knows me. When he came home from work I was in bed. As soon as he came in the room I said "I have a really bad headache. I think I could be having a stroke or something." His answer?(Without missing a beat) "I'm sorry sweetie. I'll get you some Tylenol after I take a shower". Then he closed the bathroom door and got into the shower. Perhaps he is aware of my tendency to over react. Either that or he is insensitive :)

Tired

I'm so tired. I think I may be coming down with something. Ugh. I feel like I'm just not ready for Christmas. I mean, I'm done shopping, but the presents are sitting there unwrapped. I have my Christmas cards, but I haven't sent them out. I am always so gung ho at the beginning of the holiday season, but then I kind of fizzle out at the end. I'm tired. I have to have an x-ray on my ankle because it still swells up and causes me pain from when I fell down my sister's staircase in October. When I called to make the appointment, they asked me would I also like to make my appt. for the follow up mammogram that I missed, because they really need to see me before Christmas and I have to have an ultrasound of my breast too, and why haven't I called to reschedule because it is imperative that I get in before Christmas. Oops. And also Huh? When I called to make the first appt. she told me I was only having a second mammogram(no ultrasound) and that there was no hurry to get it done. I'm not sure when that changed but now I'm slightly worried. Why do I need an ultrasound? And why is it all of a sudden "imperative" that I get in before Christmas? I'm going to put it out of my mind for now. Worrying is not going to change anything. I have to go see if I can put together something for myself for dinner. Joe's working and I have a headache. And oh yeah, I'm tired.



P.S. Thanks for all the suggestions on what to do about the wasted electricity going on at my house. I should say though, that it is a very small children's lamp and there is an energy saving bulb(the weird spiral kind) in it. I do like the idea of one of those electric candles though. I'll have to run that one by my hubby.

I don't know if it is because it the holiday season(and we don't have children. Again) or what, but I have been so emotional lately. First I had that meltdown last week, then today I spent a good portion of the day on the verge of tears or in the bathroom crying. I think it might be time to go to the doctor and make sure that hormone patch is still working because this is ridiculous. I know what started me feeling sad again. What I can't figure out is how not to be sad about it.
Here's the deal. I had this friend. We met twelve years ago. We worked together. We became very close and remained friends even after we both moved on from our place of employment. I have known both of her children since they were born. I babysat for them many, many(many) times. Joe and I would go over to her house for parties, and I knew pretty much all of her neighbors. That's how often I was over there. Joe and I started trying for a baby four or five years into our friendship. We tried. And tried. And tried some more. Nothing happened. The more we tried and the more nothing happened, we found it difficult to be around others who had kids. It was so painful. For both of us. We stopped going to her parties. I still came over for dinner, or a movie occasionally, but I couldn't bring myself to go to her children's birthday parties. I wanted so much what all those other people had. I would leave every party in tears. Finally I decided not to put myself through that pain any more and I stopped going. I'm not sure my friend understood it. She couldn't fathom how going to a children's birthday party could cause someone so much pain. I didn't expect her to understand. I just expected her to respect my decision and try not to feel hurt by it. We saw each other less and less. The phone calls became sporadic. Eventually she stopped returning my phone calls at all. We did communicate through e-mail some. Last Fall I tried to reconnect with her. I e-mailed her several times. I told her I missed her and the kids. I asked if we could get together. She would respond, telling me how busy they were, and how this wasn't a good time. I persisted. I called on the phone. I sent cards to her and the kids. I received nothing in response. I let it go for awhile. A few months ago, I sent another e-mail, asking if we could get together. I missed our friendship, and wanted to see if we could rekindle it. Again I was told they were very busy, and this isn't a good time. I must be very dense, because I didn't get the hint. Even though my husband tried to kindly tell me that she had no interest in being my friend anymore. I didn't listen to him. I can be stubborn like that. I was sure if we could just get together and I told her how sorry I was for those couple of years when I crawled into a hole to protect myself, she would understand and we could be friends again. Two weeks ago I sent her a small gift and a card telling her how much I missed her and the kids. I heard nothing. I waited another week. Maybe she was just "really busy". Finally two days ago I e-mailed her. I asked if she got the gift, and could we get together. Yesterday she e-mailed me back. Yes, she did receive the gift. She doesn't want to get together. In fact, she doesn't have the "time or commitment" required to be my friend. She has "a lot on her plate right now, and she doesn't have anything to spare". She said it seems like I have a lot of issues that I am dealing with, all of the time,(which is true) and it became too emotionally draining for her to listen and be there for me. She wishes me well, but it is not a good time for us to reconnect. She needs some time for herself right now.

I am crushed. I feel so rejected. I have never had someone just come right out and say "I don't want to be your friend anymore". It hurts so much.
Here are some things that my head knows, but my heart can't seem to understand.
1. I probably don't want to be friends with someone who can't reciprocate my friendship, or be there for me when I need them.
2. It may not be all about me(shocker!). She may be going through some hard things and it truly isn't a good time.
3. I do have a lot of issues. I know that. Medical. Emotional. Financial. More issues than most people. Perhaps I wear my heart on my sleeve too often. I'm learning to curb that a bit.

If my head knows all of the above things, how come my heart hurts so much? Because it really, really hurts right now.


Please be kind in your comments. It doesn't help me to bash her or hear how awful she is and how she isn't worth my tears. She was my friend. We had so many good times together. I miss her. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that our friendship is over for good. It makes me feel so sad.

Always Look on the Bright Side

I've been trying to look on the bright side. To see things more
positively. I really have. But it's hard when you are puking your guts out and having uncontrollable diarrhea. I'm sorry if that gave you an image in your head that you really didn't want, but how can one person be sick so much, consecutively. How? Please let this be the end of the illness. Please.

Oh, and it has been three months since our LID, so that's something. I'll hang on to that.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to keep a journal of my depression, so I could look back and see when one came on, how long it lasted, severity, etc. Well, mission accomplished, because Holy Moly, this is a bad one and I was in total denial about it until I got it down on "paper". My husband happened to read my last post too(he doesn't read regularly), and he realized we(I) might have a problem(Houston, We have a problem). Two hastily scheduled visits to various health professionals, a change in meds, and many hot baths later, and I am feeling much better. I will be O.K.

Depression is a Slippery Slope

And I am slowly sliding down it. It's no secret that I suffer from
depression. I write about it on this blog, most of my friends and
family are aware of it, and for those people who like to stick their
noses where they don't belong, Yes, it is in our homestudy report(our GLOWING homestudy report thankyouverymuch). My depression ebbs and flows. Some days are better than others. Sometimes weeks or even months can be very good. Or very bad. At times the bad periods come on quickily. Sometimes I don't even realize they are coming until BAM! I'm right in the middle of one and I wonder where it came from. Other times, like now, the bad periods come on slowly. I can feel it coming on for weeks, but I don't know how(or if) I can stop it. And the next thing I know I'm laying on the floor in a puddle and I can't get back up. That's where I am right now. I'm down(Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!) I think it started with the stress of the holidays. And then the let down when the holidays were over. And then
another year older. Another year older and not a child in sight. It continued with China changing the rules regarding who could adopt, and realizing we no longer qualify. I try to put it out of my mind, but at least once a day I find myself terrified of this entire process. Terrified that we have spent all of this time, and money, and we will not be matched with a child. Terrified that we are not "good enough" to adopt. Like ao many other things I am not good enough for. Then there is the illness(es). Oh my gosh, the illness. There has been a lot of illness with me lately. A six month course of Prednisone has left my immune system in ruins. I've got nothing left to fight the illness off with. I don't do sick very well. I'm having a hard time at work. Suddenly in my boss's eyes I can do nothing right. Nothing. I get
sick too much. I spend too much money. I don't order the right supplies. I plan the wrong art activities. I leave early too often. I have too many doctor's appointments. The list goes on and on. She talks negatively about me behind my back. I shouldn't let it bother me. But it does. It really does. I know it is time for me to look for something else. I can't take this stress much longer. And then there is the pain.
The pain from the endometriosis that the Prednisone was keeping at bay. The pain that has come back with a vengeance since the course of Prednisone has come to an end. Pain that forces me into the bath tub as soon as I walk in the door from work, and then to the couch with a heating pad on my stomach for the rest of the night. When I am supposed to be getting more exercise. I promised the Kidney doctor I would. And I am disappointed in myself when I don't. Lastly there is the financial problem we were having before Christmas that I thought had resolved itself but found out yesterday that it hadn't. It looks like we will be going to court. For something that is truly not our fault. And yet there is nothing that can be done to fix it. And so I slide. Down. Down into this depression that is eating away at me. I find myself on the verge of tears much of the time. I make frantic phone calls to my husband in the middle of the day, begging him to tell me that everything is going to be okay. And he does. I don't know where I would be without him. He is my rock. And because of him I know that this too, shall pass. I just wish it would pass already. It is draining, and I am tired. I may take a little "blogger's break". I certainly can't post stuff like this regularly. I may erase this post in the morning. But I had to get it out of me. It is doing no good inside of me.

Hanging by a thin line

I'm still here. Hanging on to a very thin thread, but still here. I
want to feel better now. It really seems like when I get sick it lasts
twice as long as a "normal" person's sickness. We're going on six days
now. The doctor said seven to ten before I feel better and possibly two
weeks before I regain my strength completely. What. Ever. I can't feel
like this for much longer. It has been horrible. I have to go back to
work tomorrow, regardless of how I am feeling. That should be fun. The Doctor
said I am very susceptible to catching other illnesses right now, so
I'll be the one walking around with the Lysol can spraying every
surface I touch.

Well today was better than yesterday. Still not great. But better. The
sore throat is almost gone. In its place is a cough. A wheezing,
rattling cough that makes it hurt to breathe. A cough that kept me up
all night because I. Can. Not. Stop. Coughing. Finally at 3:30 in the
morning I took some Theraflu. It quieted the cough enough for me to
sleep. I think I could probably manage to go to work tomorrow. Except
the doctor strictly forbid me from going to work before Tuesday. He
prefers Wednesday, but said Tuesday was O.K. I dread going back. I know
I have been sick a lot this year. More than I ever have, in the
fourteen years I have worked there. But I don't know why my boss has to
make me feel bad about it. I hate that. Do you know the last time I was
out she never even asked me how I was feeling? How rude. Between the
kidney disease and the Prednisone it looks like my immune systems is
pretty much shot. I'm not sure what I can do about that. I have some
"Googling"
to do on that. I have received some beautiful quilt squares from a swap
I joined, as well as some lovely gifts from my secret buddy to post
pictures of. Hopefully I can get to that tomorrow. Thank you so much
for all the good wishes to get better. It truly helps.