Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Depression is a Slippery Slope

And I am slowly sliding down it. It's no secret that I suffer from
depression. I write about it on this blog, most of my friends and
family are aware of it, and for those people who like to stick their
noses where they don't belong, Yes, it is in our homestudy report(our GLOWING homestudy report thankyouverymuch). My depression ebbs and flows. Some days are better than others. Sometimes weeks or even months can be very good. Or very bad. At times the bad periods come on quickily. Sometimes I don't even realize they are coming until BAM! I'm right in the middle of one and I wonder where it came from. Other times, like now, the bad periods come on slowly. I can feel it coming on for weeks, but I don't know how(or if) I can stop it. And the next thing I know I'm laying on the floor in a puddle and I can't get back up. That's where I am right now. I'm down(Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!) I think it started with the stress of the holidays. And then the let down when the holidays were over. And then
another year older. Another year older and not a child in sight. It continued with China changing the rules regarding who could adopt, and realizing we no longer qualify. I try to put it out of my mind, but at least once a day I find myself terrified of this entire process. Terrified that we have spent all of this time, and money, and we will not be matched with a child. Terrified that we are not "good enough" to adopt. Like ao many other things I am not good enough for. Then there is the illness(es). Oh my gosh, the illness. There has been a lot of illness with me lately. A six month course of Prednisone has left my immune system in ruins. I've got nothing left to fight the illness off with. I don't do sick very well. I'm having a hard time at work. Suddenly in my boss's eyes I can do nothing right. Nothing. I get
sick too much. I spend too much money. I don't order the right supplies. I plan the wrong art activities. I leave early too often. I have too many doctor's appointments. The list goes on and on. She talks negatively about me behind my back. I shouldn't let it bother me. But it does. It really does. I know it is time for me to look for something else. I can't take this stress much longer. And then there is the pain.
The pain from the endometriosis that the Prednisone was keeping at bay. The pain that has come back with a vengeance since the course of Prednisone has come to an end. Pain that forces me into the bath tub as soon as I walk in the door from work, and then to the couch with a heating pad on my stomach for the rest of the night. When I am supposed to be getting more exercise. I promised the Kidney doctor I would. And I am disappointed in myself when I don't. Lastly there is the financial problem we were having before Christmas that I thought had resolved itself but found out yesterday that it hadn't. It looks like we will be going to court. For something that is truly not our fault. And yet there is nothing that can be done to fix it. And so I slide. Down. Down into this depression that is eating away at me. I find myself on the verge of tears much of the time. I make frantic phone calls to my husband in the middle of the day, begging him to tell me that everything is going to be okay. And he does. I don't know where I would be without him. He is my rock. And because of him I know that this too, shall pass. I just wish it would pass already. It is draining, and I am tired. I may take a little "blogger's break". I certainly can't post stuff like this regularly. I may erase this post in the morning. But I had to get it out of me. It is doing no good inside of me.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for awhile now, and I think you express yourself honestly and beautifully! I will not offer any advice because I suffer from depression (at times) as well, with worry, anxiety, and debilitating pain...and nothing anyone says can make it better. My LID is 10/24/06, and I worry on a daily basis that we won't make it through the review room. And we pay a huge monthly payment on the adoption loan we took out to cover the process thus far! It's not good! So while nobody knows exactly what you're going through, I do sympathize because I feel as if I understand at some level (very close level!) and I'll pray that things will even out for you soon! In every way.....Tonja

Michelle said...

Thank you so much for your comment Tonja. Although I wouldn't wish the difficulties I am having on anyone, it truly does help to know that SOMEONE else at least understands. And I could use the prayers. Thank you.

Kathy and Joel said...

I appreciate your thoughtful insight into your own struggles and think that this speaks volumes about who you are and what kind of wonderful mother you will be.
Do what you need to do to feel better, to rest, to feel as though you are not sliding down as quickly or as far and know that you are supported.

Tracy said...

Don't erase your post, it's honest and not one person out here has a perfect life (and if they say they do then they are lying). I worried constantly I wouldn't be matched (my social worker made me get a note from a counselor saying I would be a fit parent because of my childhood and that was in my homestudy (and still is in the update...which I HATE). All you can do now is trust your agency and you made it in long before the deadline. We ALL worry about not being matched, no matter how good/bad our health/life is. There is just something about not having control over that process, knowing that someone else holds your dream in their hand and maybe they don't know how important it is to us.

You may not be ready for this (and I am sorry if it offends you), but have you thought about a hysterectomy? I know it's hard to give up that last shred of hope, but at least you could get rid of the pain.

(One more thing I hope does not offend you), I know you have your LID, but does your agency have a Vietnam program? They are so much faster and they don't have the restrictions China does (you just have to have your doctor sign a form saying you are healthy and don't have any mental problems....no tests or explanations needed, just a signature). We got in before the changes, but we were fingerprinted Nov 21st and had our referral for our son Dec. 27th. (and should (knock wood) travel March or April). I know you have your heart set on China and I don't blame you, but in the time you spend worrying about if you will be matched, you could be to Vietnam and back easily.

I hope none of that offended you. I read your site daily and although I don't always comment I always read what you have to write. Your boss is just being selfish (she must secretly be a nurse....we are great when people are sick, but don't let it be a co-worker...they could be coughing up a lung with a fever of 105 and we will pretend we don't see it).

Anyway, this is too long and feel free to delete it if you want. Again, I do not want to offend you in any way. I just know how important being a mother was to me and I waited 10 years to adopt my daughter so I know how it feels to worry about not being "good enough".

Tracy
www.ameliarae.com

Connie said...

...thinking of you!

Take the time you need...

Kristin said...

Michelle-

I think most of us out there can relate to what you are going through... maybe not the specific criteria, but the worry and the anxiety and the pressure... it can all be overwhelming at times, but, it does end and it does get better and you will be matched with a child.

Hang in there, sweetie,

K.