And I am slowly sliding down it. It's no secret that I suffer from
depression. I write about it on this blog, most of my friends and
family are aware of it, and for those people who like to stick their
noses where they don't belong, Yes, it is in our homestudy report(our GLOWING homestudy report thankyouverymuch). My depression ebbs and flows. Some days are better than others. Sometimes weeks or even months can be very good. Or very bad. At times the bad periods come on quickily. Sometimes I don't even realize they are coming until BAM! I'm right in the middle of one and I wonder where it came from. Other times, like now, the bad periods come on slowly. I can feel it coming on for weeks, but I don't know how(or if) I can stop it. And the next thing I know I'm laying on the floor in a puddle and I can't get back up. That's where I am right now. I'm down(Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!) I think it started with the stress of the holidays. And then the let down when the holidays were over. And then
another year older. Another year older and not a child in sight. It continued with China changing the rules regarding who could adopt, and realizing we no longer qualify. I try to put it out of my mind, but at least once a day I find myself terrified of this entire process. Terrified that we have spent all of this time, and money, and we will not be matched with a child. Terrified that we are not "good enough" to adopt. Like ao many other things I am not good enough for. Then there is the illness(es). Oh my gosh, the illness. There has been a lot of illness with me lately. A six month course of Prednisone has left my immune system in ruins. I've got nothing left to fight the illness off with. I don't do sick very well. I'm having a hard time at work. Suddenly in my boss's eyes I can do nothing right. Nothing. I get
sick too much. I spend too much money. I don't order the right supplies. I plan the wrong art activities. I leave early too often. I have too many doctor's appointments. The list goes on and on. She talks negatively about me behind my back. I shouldn't let it bother me. But it does. It really does. I know it is time for me to look for something else. I can't take this stress much longer. And then there is the pain.
The pain from the endometriosis that the Prednisone was keeping at bay. The pain that has come back with a vengeance since the course of Prednisone has come to an end. Pain that forces me into the bath tub as soon as I walk in the door from work, and then to the couch with a heating pad on my stomach for the rest of the night. When I am supposed to be getting more exercise. I promised the Kidney doctor I would. And I am disappointed in myself when I don't. Lastly there is the financial problem we were having before Christmas that I thought had resolved itself but found out yesterday that it hadn't. It looks like we will be going to court. For something that is truly not our fault. And yet there is nothing that can be done to fix it. And so I slide. Down. Down into this depression that is eating away at me. I find myself on the verge of tears much of the time. I make frantic phone calls to my husband in the middle of the day, begging him to tell me that everything is going to be okay. And he does. I don't know where I would be without him. He is my rock. And because of him I know that this too, shall pass. I just wish it would pass already. It is draining, and I am tired. I may take a little "blogger's break". I certainly can't post stuff like this regularly. I may erase this post in the morning. But I had to get it out of me. It is doing no good inside of me.