This is 55.

 

Well, my 55th birthday is in two days.   

I mentioned in my last post that I am feeling a little ambivalent about it.  Not that I’m not happy to be having a birthday, I’m thrilled to be able to survive another year.  Not everyone gets to do that.  What I mean is that I don’t feel a certain way about it being kind of a “Milestone” birthday.   55.  It feels old to say it out loud, although I realize I am still young.  I have a lot of life ahead of me (God willing).  

Other milestone birthdays have affected me in different ways. My 40th was very hard.  We were in our 5th year of trying to start a family and I felt like a huge failure.  

My 50th I was so excited for.  I was going to have a big party with Lisa and family. I had it all planned out.  

But Covid had other plans, and I spent it with just me and Joe, again.  By the time Covid was over it seemed silly to have a big party.   

55 just feels “Meh”.  

As I look at the last year, I realized how strong I am in the face of health issues, injury, and disappointment.  

I don’t give myself enough credit for being resilient.  A lot of times I beat myself up for not being happy all the time, when I struggle with things. Anxiety and depression get the best of me sometimes and I don’t give myself enough grace around those things. I don’t beat myself over my kidney disease, so I don’t know why I do it over my metal health conditions.   

This year I hope to change the negative self talk.   I need to be kinder to myself.  

I hope to give myself grace when my brain chemicals are off and I’m doing the best I can.  To remember that I am more than my anxiety and that depression lies.  

Depression.  Lies.  

So much.   

I need to shift my focus into not believing the lies.  It’s hard.  

Overall though, I am looking forward to the next year of my life. 

I received a vision board kit for Christmas.  I’ve never done a vision board, but I’ve always been intrigued by them.  

I used a little of the kit materials that came with it,  but mostly printed my own things out, and of course integrated photos into it. It’s the scrapbooker in me.  

Soooo, here’s my vision board. I’m placing it in a spot on my bedroom wall where I see it every night when I go to bed.  

My number one goal on the board for this year  is to find a way to obtain a second car.  Joe and I have been sharing a car and it’s exhausting.  I’m an independent person and to have no control over how I get places is so hard for me.  I have to hitch a ride in the morning with my neighbor (thank goodness I am able to do this).  After work I have to stay an hour after I get off work (sometimes an hour and a half) waiting for Joe to pick me up.  That puts me at work for 10 hours or longer.  It’s not good for my mental health.  On Fridays I take the car and drop him off at work so I can have the car, but I have to get up at 4:30 am to do so, as he starts work at 6:00.  

Like I said, exhausting.  

So I’m putting prayers and intentions into the world that we are able to get another car, by our anniversary in mid February.  It might be a lofty goal, but that’s my goal.  

A trip to see my brother and dad in the springtime is in the works.  It’s been too long.  I have to budget and save my PTO in order to make that work.  

I’d also like to save a little money so we can take a vacation.  It’s been awhile since we had a real vacation.  I’d love to see more National Parks. We also wanted to do Disney again, maybe around the holidays.   

Maybe revisit our move, if that’s in the cards.  If not, that’s ok too.  For now we are happy where we are, even though we were looking forward to a change.  

Mostly though, I’m going to be working on self love, and gratitude and how I can help people in my community more.  

And making more connections, like I mentioned in my last post.  

Thanks to all of you for sticking around. For being my support system.  I’m not sure what I would do without my friends in the computer (and of course my family and in real life friends). 

I am lucky.  

Here’s to another trip around the sun. Here’s to 55.   🍾 🥂 

New Year

 Happy New Year!  

Joe and I actually made it to midnight last night. It was shocking, because we were both so tired and Joe had to get up at 5:00 this morning to go to work.  It got a little sketchy around 10:00 p.m., as we contemplated resting in bed  for “Just a little bit”. We rallied though, and made it to share a kiss on New Year’s Eve.  Our 37th New Year’s Eve together, as we met at a NYE party in 1988.  37 years just seems crazy.  It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s always worth it.  

2025 was mostly good, but had a bit of health issues and injury (As I close out this year STILL in a walking boot and having thrown my back out).  It also held some plot twists that left me sad and angry, not knowing the WHY. One day I’ll look back and see why things played out the way they did and discover I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.  But for now I still feel the bitter disappointment.   It will get better with time.  Sorry to be so vague.  

I don’t really do big New Year’s resolutions.  Every time I do, I fail within the first three or four months.  

I do think about what I’d like the new year ahead to look like though, and small, attainable things I can do to help it play out that way. 

I haven’t chosen a word for the year in quite some time. This year I received a vision board kit for Christmas.  I’m excited to play around with it. Love the idea of putting my dreams/goals into a physical form that I can look at every day.  

So this year I’ve decided to choose a word to focus on. 

This year my chosen word is Connection.  

I have been feeling isolated socially in the last year or so. My neighbors don’t get together anymore. Most of them have unfriended me on Facebook. Told me it wasn’t personal. Um..ok, but it is. You live ten yards from where I live but won’t be my friend on Facebook. That’s personal to me.  I do realize it’s about my political views, but I won’t apologize for standing up for things that are right, and true and just.  (SOME neighbors still get together, but I’m not part of the cool kid’s group).  It is what it is.   Rant over.  

I don’t really have any close friends.  I live too far away (and in a 475 square foot home) to host gatherings like bunco or book clubs, but I yearn to be a part of things like that.  I was really hoping that us moving to a different city would help alleviate some of those things,  but since the move didn’t happen, I’m stuck here and feeling isolated. I would also love for Joe and me to meet some couples friends.  I feel like making new friends in your mid 50s is hard.  I’m longing for more human interaction this year. 

So this year, with the word connection in mind, I’d like to focus on these things:

Getting together with family more.  

Sending more snail mail and creating things for other people, just because.  

Reconnecting with old friends.  

Going out of my comfort zone to meet new friends. 

Join groups or clubs. 

Volunteer. This is something I always want to do but feel overwhelmed at where to start, and always fighting with the fact that I’m SO tired at the end of the day. 

Reach out to people more regularly. 

Be present when I am with people.  

Limit digital distractions. 

So those are some things I’d like to focus on this year. Pretty simple, attainable things, that I hope will bring me more connection in the upcoming year.  

I will add that I am going to try to journal and document more, as well as get more exercise and drink more water, but I’m going to ease into it over the next few months and not feel disappointed if I don’t start them right away.  

Monday is my 55th birthday. I feel ambivalent about my birthday this year.  I love birthdays.  I’m lucky to have them! Some birthdays have been joyous, some have sucked (Hello 50th COVID birthday), but I’m grateful for them all.  I guess this year would be considered some kind of “milestone” birthday, but I’m not feeling that this year. 

I truly do feel like I am blessed to just be able to make it another circle around the sun each year. 

Maybe I’ll have a post on that later. 

Maybe in 2026 I’ll start blogging again. (Don’t count on it though. lol). 

I hope everyone has a healthy, happy New Year.  

20 years

The year was 1988.

The date: January 31st. New Year's Eve.

It was 5 days away from my 18th birthday.

I had agreed to go to a New Year's Eve party that night.
I was not looking forward to it. I was not the party type.

I was shy and there would be few people my age(or that I would know) there, but it was also a surprise 30th birthday for my horse trainer's(C) husband(T) and I had promised her I would attend.

The party thrower wanted the birthday boy there at 9:00 p.m. sharp, and I drove over in the truck with him(T) and C.

T knew as soon as we pulled into the driveway that something was up, even though people had parked way down the street so he wouldn't become suspicious.

Some late party goers had pulled up at the same time we had, carrying gifts. He instantly knew that the party was for him, ruining the surprise. C was pissed.

We entered the house to the shouts of "Surprise!", and I instantly snuck into the kitchen so as not to draw too much attention to myself.

That's where the kids were corralled. Even back then I had always felt more comfortable around the children than with the adults, or even people my own age.
I sat down and started helping the kids with a craft project.

Pretty soon the kids began to get bored and wandered off into the garage to play Ping Pong, leaving me alone in the kitchen at the kid's table.

People came in and out of the kitchen to grab food and drinks, then drifted back into the living room or garage where the party was taking place.

I sat awkwardly in the kitchen alone. I wanted to go home. It was only 10:00.

Most of the party guests were in their late 20's and early 30's, and aside from C and T and some of T's family, I did not know any of them.

All of T's nieces and nephews were there. Most of them were under the age of 7.

Soon T's sister arrived(late as usual), with her children, a boy, 12, and a girl, 16. The boy headed out to the garage for a game of ping pong. T spotted me sitting in the kitchen alone, and quickly paired me up with his 16 year old niece.

We had met several times before, at various functions. I did not like her. I don't even remember her name. Let's call her "Alexis".

Alexis was loud and obnoxious and wore lots of makeup and tight, revealing clothing. She liked to be the center of attention and had had a boyfriend for a year already.

I was shy and quiet, slightly preppy, and liked to blend into the woodwork. I had never even been on a date or kissed a boy before, let alone had a boyfriend.

She dragged me into the living room, where the majority of the people were, and pulled me down on the love seat next to her, right in the middle of the room, facing the front door.

She talked(loudly) about school, and her friends and how she had just gotten her driver's permit. She confided to me that she had broken up with her boyfriend recently.

I mostly smiled, and nodded, and made the appropriate sympathetic sounds.

I don't know how long this went on. It seemed like an eternity. People continued to show up for the party. We had a bird's eye view of the front door, watching people arrive, bringing gifts for T.

T's good friends arrived, E and M, and T saw me sitting on the couch and asked me to come over and say Hi. I knew E, as he owned an R.V. repair shop and he had fixed my parent's RV many times. He had even come out to meet us on the road when our RV broke down on the way to a horse show. I had been to his shop many times.

With E was his wife and son, whom I had never met.

T came over and introduced them to me.

"Michelle, you already know E, but this is his wife M and their son Joe.

I stood up to greet them. Glancing briefly at Joe, I saw the most beautiful brown eyes. I shifted my gaze back to the floor then smiled shyly and inched backwards towards the safety of the love seat.

Alexis sprang up from the love seat and came to stand next to me, giving me a look as if to say "Who do we have here"?

T introduced Alexis to Joe.

She smiled flirtatiously and said Hi.

We stood in a small circle in the middle of the living room, Alexis standing very close to Joe, me with my arms crossed in front of me, hugging myself as if I were cold.

They chatted for a few minutes while I stood uncomfortably, staring at the floor and not following the conversation.

Joe turned to me and asked "Are you cold?". I suppose because of the way I had my arms wrapped around myself.

I sputtered "Uh, no. I'm not cold". I was wearing a turtleneck with a sweater over it.

He asked if either of us would like something to drink. I said No thanks, but Alexis told him she would love a Coke.

He left us to go into the kitchen in search of one and we made our way back to the love seat and sat down. He returned shortly with the soda for her and a plastic cup for himself. The love seat sat three people comfortably. Alexis shoved me over to the opposite end and invited Joe to sit in the middle with one of us on either side.

We were sitting very close together. Our thighs were touching

I was nervous. We made small talk for a few minutes. I noticed that Joe was turned facing me, with his back to Alexis, and most of his conversation was focused on me.

I thought that was strange. To me Alexis was pretty and social and experienced and why in the world would he want to talk to me instead of her?

After a several more minutes of being ignored, Alexis left the couch to wander into the garage, leaving us alone. This made me very, very nervous. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, hoping I could ditch him.

He was waiting for me outside the bathroom door.

Darn, but he was persistent.

I said I was hungry, and headed for the kitchen, hoping once again to lose him. He followed me.

I decided there was no way I was getting rid of him, so we stood in the kitchen chatting while I pretended to eat something.

It was getting close to midnight. People were starting to congregate in the living room to watch the ball drop on the television.

We stood among the throng of people, me nervously nodding and smiling and Joe making conversation.

Suddenly it was 5 minutes until midnight and we were watching the countdown on the t.v. begin.

At the stroke of midnight, as everyone around us threw confetti and yelled happy new year, Joe turned to me and said "You're supposed to kiss me now".

I froze. I didn't know what to do. He came closer. And closer.

And then he leaned in and kissed me. And I kissed him back.

My very first kiss.

I thought I was going to be sick afterwards. I excused myself to go to the bathroom again, where I took deep cleansing breaths until my heart rate returned to normal.

I went back into the living room where he was waiting and told him I was tired and maybe I would go home now.

He offered to drive me. I declined. I had brought my own car.

He said he would like to take me out on a date.

I told him that would be okay. We decided on the following day(New Year's Day), as he was on a week's leave from the Navy and would have to return to duty in a couple of days.

I didn't think he would call. I sat by the phone all morning though, hopeful that he would.

At 2:00 p.m. he finally called.

He picked me up shortly after and we went on our first date.

I was less nervous. We went to the beach and sat on the sand and talked and talked. When we were all talked out, he took me miniature golfing, then back to his house where we watched a movie.

We spent the entire rest of the day together. When he dropped me back off at home, he promised to call me the next day.

And he did.

And the rest is history.


We don't have any special plans for tonight. After the kids go to bed we will lift a glass of champagne and toast the journey that has been the last 20 years. It has been quite a ride.


I love you Joe. Happy Anniversary. I'm so glad you took a chance and was persistent on that New Year's Eve night 20 years ago. I hope we have many, many more New Year's Eves to celebrate together.


This picture was taken a little more than a year after we met. 1990. My how we have aged! :)





.

Fire On The Mountain

 Monday started off like any other day.   I got up, went to work, and started my day.  A pretty bad fire had started quite a distance from my workplace, but nowhere near our house.  Our house was in the other direction.    People in the Trabuco canyon and Rancho Santa Margarita areas were starting to be evacuated.  Still no sense of danger to us at all.   The fire grew very quickly.  More and more people in Orange County were being evacuated.  So far no one in Riverside County were, which is where we lived.  Overnight we found out that the fire had started moving up the back of the mountain, towards our house, on the East side of Ortega Highway, which we live off of. It was moving quick.  Soon we were under voluntary evacuation.   This is not our first rodeo, so I immediately called Joe and told him to start packing.  Thank God he is off on Tuesdays. With a fire that size,  moving as quickly as it was, things could change in an instant.   

And they did.

This is the view from the parking lot of the rv park where we live.   It was coming our way very quickly.

 Very soon after voluntary evacuation were given, mandatory orders were put into place.  The sheriff came around and started telling people to leave now.  Joe began quickly filling the car with the belongings he thought we might need. The things you think you might need in an emergency situation?  You probably don’t. The only things I wanted from the house were scrapbooks and photos, a few items of clothing and our animals. (And Joe of course).  Nothing else matters in that situation.  He packed as much as he could in our little car, plus three animal carriers.  The car was stuffed to the brim.   Soon he was on his way to meet me at work.  

The last photo he took as he drove down Ortega Highway to get to safety.  Terrifying   

While is was waiting for him at work(not much work was getting done), I was in search of a pet friendly hotel to bring our zoo to until it was safe to return home.   I had no luck.  All of the nearby hotels were booked solid. Too many other communities had already been evacuated and filled up all of the hotels.   I was panicking.  I extended our search for several more miles and found a  motel by the beach, about twenty five minutes from my workplace.  They did not take pets, but made an exception for us due to the evacuation.   I did not look at the reviews for this place. It was cheap, and I was just happy to have a safe place to go.   When we got there, things seemed….off. There were a ton of people loitering around, smoking and drinking.  There seemed to be a small population of homeless men hanging around on the patio too.  The small office was trippy. Psychedelic lights flashing all over the walls and ceilings.  Tye Dye decorations, with a plethora of pot leaves mixed in.  The “Manager” was playing a guitar when I entered the office.  I didn’t feel unsafe,  but the men out front made me uneasy.   I  noticed a lot of people seemed to be living there long term, and I found out later it was because they had very cheap weekly rates.  As soon as we got into the room I thought Joe was going to have a heart attack.  This room was NOT clean.  Not by any means.   I don’t even think the sheets were fresh.  Joe was like “Nope.  We’re sleeping in our cars”.  It was that bad.  I made the manager come check it out, and he went in and cleaned it himself, saying “Oops, my bad”.     “I thought it had already been cleaned”.  Dude, really?! Meanwhile two cats and a dog are in our car, freaking out.   After he “cleaned” the room, we started bringing stuff in. There were cigarette burns in the kitchen.    The curtains had stains on them.   The bedspreads had large holes in them.  Joe had me go to the store immediately and buy some Clorox wipes.   He used an entire container wiping down every single surface in that room, including the walls.  Joe can be a bit of a germaphobe, but in this case it was warranted.   Then we checked the bed for bed bugs (none, thank God). It was seven o’clock by that time, we hadn’t eaten and we were exhausted.   I ran and got some food, we ate and then fell I into bed.   Neither of us got very much sleep that night. After goggling the motel, I saw it was a two star motel.   Two stars.  Yikes! Won’t be staying there again any time soon!

On Wednesday I asked Joe to stay home from work so he could find us a better hotel and stay with the animals.  I called around and got the last room at a Staybridge hotel,  20 minutes from my work, and ten minutes from Joe’s.  We got the last  room.  The entire hotel was booked except for this one room.   Thank you God.  I was able to get off at noon to help Joe with the transfer to the new hotel.  This hotel was more like what we were expecting.  It was NICE.   It had a small kitchenette.   Body wash, shampoo and conditioner in the shower (I had forgotten all of my toiletries).  This will do.  The animals were finally let free. They hid under the bed for a whole day, but have finally ventured out and have become somewhat more comfortable.  It’s still a lot having two cats,  a dog and two adults in a small hotel room.  Just….a lot.

I called our renter’s insurance and they transferred me the money to pay for five days at the hotel.  We were so relieved.    Finally things started to feel a little more “normal”, whatever that means in this situation.   

On Thursday we both desperately had to go back to work. The hotel policy is that all  pets must be in a crate when you are not in the room with them.   Off we went to petsmart to purchase a crate    Now, I know that Lola did not do well in crates.  If fact, she hated them and hadn’t been in one since she was a baby.    I wasn’t sure how this would go.  I went off to work first, and Joe put her in the crate and went off to work about a half an hour later.  Everything seemed to be fine.  No call from the hotel telling us that she was barking.   When I pulled into the hotel parking lot on Thursday night, I could hear her from the parking lot.   She was barking and crying and making SO much noise.  LOUDLY.  I have no idea how long she was doing this.   I’m hoping she heard my car coming into the parking lot and it had started then.  I have no idea how long she was carrying on like that.   So I was stuck in the hotel room with her, because I couldn’t leave her alone.  So boring.  On Fridays Joe goes to work early, so I was the one who had to walk her and put her in her crate.  This did not go well, right from the  start. She started barking and carrying on,  crying the minute I put her in there   I rushed off to work, hoping that once I left she would be okay.  Nope.   The hotel called me 10 minutes later, letting me know that she was being too loud and I had to come and get her.  Another day of missed work.  Sigh.   The lost wages were starting to build up.  

That’s the one thing that you don’t think about when you are displaced from your home.  We are bleeding money right now   I am so grateful that the renter’s insurance paid for our hotel because if they hadn’t, we would be screwed.  It’s the take out, and groceries, and clothing that are adding up.  Joe packed me ten T-shirts and zero pairs of pants.   lol.  I had to  do a pick up order at Target for some jeans.  I have no idea if renter’s insurance will cover that.  I’m just praying that it will all work out and we will recoup some of the money we have spent.

That being said, we are blessed and lucky to have a home to go home to at all.   The town three miles up the hill from us suffered devastating loss.  Homes burned to the ground.  I can’t fathom the fear and pain those people have, and will continue to suffer in the months and years to come. Please send prayers and good thoughts to those affected in El Cariso village.  They need them.  Thank you.

 I think that about sums our week.   We are waiting until the power comes back at our place before returning home, which could be until this coming Wednesday.  Three more days in a hotel.  We may take a drive tomorrow with Lola, just to get out.   I’m going a little stir crazy here.   

Thank you for all of your support and prayers and good vibes being sent our way.   We can feel them and they are greatly appreciated.  Soon we’ll be back home and this will be a just another story we tell people of our time living in our tiny house in the mountains.   Until then, we will be thankful for our safety and a home to return to.  

Disney Cruise Day Four

 Day Four was a sea day, so we hung around the ship and relaxed all day.  We went to the spa for two and a half hours, read our books out on the verandah, took our time with breakfast and lunch. After lunch we went to a champagne tasting class that I had signed us up for. It was fun tasting all the expensive champagnes, but the class was supposed to teach us how to make champagne cocktails, and it did not do that. I'm not sure what was up with that, but I was really looking forward to it. We did enjoy the tasting though.

We did some activities like trivia and played some Bingo but did not win. It was fun playing.

This was not regular BINGO, like you have in your head where people sit in a crowded room and the caller slowly calls out each number and people are quiet because they are concentrating.  Nope!  This BINGO was nothing like that. There was singing, there was dancing, there was jumping up and down.  They know how to do BINGO!  Super fun. We were one number off two times. So close!

We found this door on our deck. I love, love, love this. Up is one of my favorite Pixar films.  I love Carl and Ellie so much!  The creativity this took is amazing. Next time I'm going to up my cruise ship door game.

Joe took this photo at sunset. 

                                         

Dinner tonight is at Tiana's Place. This was the restaurant I was looking forward to the most. It's based after The Princess and the Frog movie.  It's set in New Orleans and the theming is amazing.  Look at these plates!  So cute!  I did remember to take pictures of my food tonight.

We both started with the sausage fritters. So good.

I then had the wedge salad, which was both pretty and delicious. Joe got the Gumbo soup. He was very happy with it too.

Joe got the pork tenderloin. I got the prime rib steak. I almost never eat beef but it looked so good I made an exception. We both had the beignets with chocolate sauce and a bread pudding. I had two desserts almost every night!  So good. 

Tiana's place isn't just a restaurant, it has a show too.  While we were eating Tiana was singing

on stage with a piano player.  Halfway through dinner she started a Congo line. There was singing and dancing and clapping. We even did the limbo. The little kids loved it so much!  OK, I did too. Afterwards Tiana comes around to each and every table to say hello, and we got a photo. Such a fun dinner. Would have loved to do that one twice.

Our last towel creation: a seal.  Cute!

So we had dinner at four restaurants:

Triton's the first night, themed after The Little Mermaid.

Palo, the adults only upcharge restaurant, which was Italian themed.

Animator's Palette, where the walls came alive with animation and colors,

and Tiana's Place, which was my favorite.  

I don't have many photos for Debarkation Day, but I'll write a little bit about it tomorrow 

because some of it surprised me.

We had a great last day!