Friday, April 17, 2015


Let's see, where did we leave off?

Oh yeah, we survived the snow.

I turned 44(ugh).

Joe and I celebrated 22 years of marriage.

That's about it.

I often wonder what it is that keeps bringing me here to this blog, especially after being away for so long.

I can't say really.  Only that every now and again I feel the urge to write, and this is the place I have been writing since 2005.  2005!

So here I am, with the urge to write.

Mother's Day is coming up again.  I'm going to spare you the "Mother's Day is hard" whine.  It's pretty old by now.  For all of us.

Instead I'd like to share something I found on FB that was shared by a couple of friends, and then by me today.

It's called the semicolon project.

What is it?

semicolon project 


"A Semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The Author is you and the sentence is your life".

On April 16th, join The Semicolon Project and thousands of people in the effort to raise public awareness against Depression, Anxiety, Self-harm and Suicide.

By writing a semicolon on your wrist, you are making a promise to yourself that it is ok to reach out and seek for help.

Join the fight and stand up for YOU or anyone you know who has depression, anxiety, has self harmed or has contemplated suicide and help our peers, our friends and our family know that we speak up for them and that we stand up against Mental Health and the stigma that’s attached to it.

Together, we can save a life". 

This speaks to me.  A lot of people who know me, but not everyone who does, know that in 2010 I spent 8 days in the psychiatric ward at our local hospital due to severe, debilitating depression and suicidal tendencies.

8 days, two admissions, spread out over the course of several weeks, because the first admission "didn't take",  as I like to put it.

I probably just outed myself to many people who didn't know that, especially on FB.  Some of them will probably be very judgy about it. That's ok.  One of my very favorite sayings is "What other people think of me is none of my business".

Oh and also, I don't give a rat's A** how you feel about it. It's my story to share.  Or not to share. My life, my decision.

I won't go into detail about what the psych ward was like(if you sincerely want to know details feel free to e-mail me. It's not a secret.  Just too private to go into here).

This I can say: 
Nurses in the psych ward are angels.
Kind and compassionate, patient and understanding.  I was lucky enough to have some wonderful nurses during my stay there, most of them male.

One of the weekends I spent there was Mother's Day.  The hardest day of the year for me back then, although Mother's Day was only a very small part of the reasons I ended up there.  Again, too long to get into.

Why am I sharing this?

Because I want other people who feel alone to know that they aren't.  There are other people out there who have the same feelings.  Married people.  People with kids.  People with jobs( I had two jobs during that time period).

 People who look "normal" on the outside, but who still sometimes struggle greatly on the inside.

I look back on the person I was then and I don't even recognize her.  I've come so far since then.  But during those bleak days I didn't think I would make it through.  Didn't think I *could* make it.

Do I worry that those dark thoughts might return some day?  Yes and No.  I'm afraid they could return, and I'll feel the anguish I felt back then again, but on the other hand I know I have better coping skills.  A better support system too.  If they were to come back I could deal with them.  They wouldn't be so overwhelming. 

I still have depression.  Sometimes it's bad.  Sometimes it's not.  More not these days, which I am grateful for.  Even so, I have learned not to take the good days for granted.  I know that they are usually followed by some bad days, which is ok.  It's the nature of the beast that is depression.

It's one of the reasons I love movements like The Semicolon Project. It brings awareness of mental illness, and seeks to destroy some of the stigma that goes along with it.

Today is my mom's birthday.  I'm always surprised that it affects me emotionally, even after all this time.  I think the combination of that and Mother's Day makes me feel a bit weepy this time of year.

I cried like a baby after watching that FB video about the couple who hid the fact that they were having twins from everyone they knew and then surprised  them when they came to visit them at the hospital.

Google it. It's great. 

Unless you are still suffering the grief from a lost adoption , or struggling because you want so badly to be a mother but it isn't happening(or didn't happen). 

Then I don't recommend watching it, because it pretty much sucks. :)

Happy Birthday Mom.  Even though we don't talk about you much anymore, you are still missed.


Always wear your tiara said...

Not that you should care what others think but I want you to know what I think; I think you are amazing. I think your honestly is worth celebrating. I think you are just fabulous and I am glad to call you a cyber fried and hopefully one day we will meet.

M3 said...

I think you're amazing too. And one of the kindest people I've met. Hugs, my friend.