I've just returned home from lunch with my Dad. My back still hurts. A lot. I'm not sure if it is a side effect from the pain, or what I had for lunch but now I'm feeling quite nauseous too. Blech. Each day that goes by that I feel rotten I feel my positive thinking slipping away. I try to so hard to keep my thoughts from straying into negative thoughts. But it's so hard for me, especially when in pain and feeling lousy.

Today when I was taking Joe to work(we're still sharing a car(don't ask-It may very well put me over the edge completely), we passed by our neighbor's apartment(the one right next to ours).

Our neighbor was standing outside on her porch. There was a blue balloon floating next to her that said "It's a Boy!".

She invited us in to see her new grandbaby. She has a new two day old baby grandson, by her daughter.

Her daughter is fifteen. I never saw her pregnant. Apparently she went to live with some relatives for the last six months of the pregnancy.

Our neighbor is a single woman in her forties, with a fifteen year old daughter and an eighteen year old son, two dogs and a cat. They live in the same floor plan we do. 1,000 square feet, two bedrooms, two bath, patio.

There was a porta crib shoved into a corner of the dining room, and the couch bed was folded out into a bed.

Looking around their cramped apartment I couldn't help wonder where they were going to put the baby when he got older. Not to mention all the stuff that a baby comes with.

As we walked out of their apartment towards the car I was overcome with a huge wave of sadness. Here we are. Late thirties. Married for fifteen years. With a room not ten feet from their kitchen window full of baby clothes and baby toys and baby stuff and an empty crib, just waiting for a baby.

A baby that we very well could wait another three years for.

I have been trying very hard to be O.K. with the wait. Especially given some of the things we have been dealing with in our marriage lately.

But I'm having a hard time getting my head around this one. I'm not judging these people, and I'm not debating the "fairness" (or unfairness) of it. Because life's not fair. I know that all too well.

I guess the question I'm struggling with the most right now is "Why not us"?

And Dude. Did they have to live right next door?

Sigh.




I've taken my conversation with Pam to private e-mail, where it probably belonged in the first place. I'm just having a bad week and finding out about the fifteen year old next door neighbor being pregnant just brought up some feelings that I thought I was over. I guess those feelings will always be a part of me and will never completely go away. Not everyone will share those feelings and that's O.K. too.