Twisted

The following text message conversation occurred between my husband and me last night/this morning.

 I had just gotten home at 8:00.

Me:  Crap.  C(my roommate) is going to spend the night at her Mom's house tonight.

Joe:  And?

Me:  You know I don't like to sleep alone in strange houses.

Joe:  :(

Me:  Seriously, I don't know if I will get much sleep tonight now.

Joe: You can come here if you want.

Me:  No, I'll just suck it up.  I'll be o.k. right?

Joe:  Of course you will

Me: What if a serial killer tries to get in?

No response

Me:  You didn't answer the serial killer question.

Still no response.

Me:  Fine.  I'm going to sleep.  I'm kind of scared.   :(

Joe:  Oh sorry, I left the room for a bit.  Goodnight.  I love you.

Me:   WHAT ABOUT THE SERIAL KILLER???

Joe:  There is no serial killer.

Me:  You waited too long to answer.  Now I don't believe you.

Joe:  It was nice knowing you.

Me:  You aren't funny.

I went to bed.  The next morning he sends me this text:

Are you there?  Did a serial killer get you?

Me:  She's dead.  Next I'm coming for you.

Joe:  Bring it on A**Hole

Me:  Now I'm going to send you Michelle's head in a box and put it on your doorstep.

Joe:  I can think of some things I can do with her head.

Me:  You're gross.

Joe:  :)

Then I laughed and laughed.

(yes we do both  have a twisted sense of humor)

Improved

I have been  doing better.  I think everything that has happened over the last two months only just caught up with me  and I felt a huge wave of grief all at once.  I am feeling less homesick. I think it helps that I don't have to go to the city that I used to live anymore.  That was causing me to be quite sad.

I still miss Gizmo a lot.  I know I sound like a broken record about that.  You will only get it if you have pets and you have lost them.  I feel like a part of our family is missing.  I miss her very much.


I sometimes wonder if I have the right to whine about missing the life I used to have when I am the one that instigated these changes.  I'm the one who decided to move out.  I'm the one who decided to separate from my husband.

I second guess my decision(s) frequently.

None of those things were decisions I came about easily and none of them were made because I don't love my husband.

I do love him.  Very much.  Something had to change though.  I couldn't keep living the way we were.  I was so unhappy.  I can't imagine he was very happy either, living with someone who was so very unhappy.

I know so many people who stay in their current situations with their spouses/significant others when they are truly unhappy. I know people who put up with abuse, or even infidelity(neither of which applied in my case) simply because they are afraid to change anything.

It's understandable.  I was unhappy for well over a year. I was terrified to make this change.

But I had to.  For the first time in my life I am doing what's right for ME, regardless of how it has hurt other people or how other people feel about it.  As much as I am mourning the life I used to have, I know that overall I am(or will be)happier.  I am less angry.  I am less bitter.  I feel less resentment  towards my husband living away from him than I was living with him.  I feel some peace inside.

In that way this change has been good, and exactly what I was hoping for when I made the decision to leave.

It is my hope for  us to get back together and continue on, sometime in the future.

I take that back. I don't want to continue on the way we were.  I was too unhappy to want to do that.

And it would be impossible for us to pick back up and go on like nothing has happened.

I suppose what I want is for us to start over.  Can you do that after twenty five years with someone?  Start over?

I hope so.  I guess only time will tell.



P.S.  I don't get people who cheat on their significant others but stay with their husband/spouse.  I know a few people who do this.  If you are unhappy enough to look elsewhere than your marriage for sex/partnership, then have the decency to leave. You are a coward if you cheat on your spouse(repeatedly) and stay with them year after year. Just my opinion.

Kidney Update

I went to a new kidney doctor on Friday.  I changed insurance plans  and although my old kidney doctor was still contracted with my plan, my primary doctor highly recommended this nephrologist so I decided maybe it was time for a change.  I mean why not?  I have changed every other aspect of my life, so why not start new here as well?

I am embarrassed to admit that I have been remiss in going to the nephrologist.  I am well past the time for my yearly check up.

I really like him.  Turns out he is one of the best nephrologists in Orange County.  I have been so fortunate to have such great doctors.

He asked me how my creatinin levels were.  Ummm..I don't know?  How about the amount of protein in my urine?  Not sure about that either.  Am I monitoring my blood pressure at home.  Uhhhh...nope.

He gave a great big sigh.  I am the worst.  patient.  ever.

I need to start monitoring my blood pressure at home again.  Not every day, but a few times a week and keep a journal of my readings.

I can't take Advil, or Motrin , or any other NSAIDS.  At all.  My last nephrologist had said it was o.k. to take them sparingly.  I was taking them occasionally for headaches, but over time I had started taking them a bit more.  Once a month for headaches.  Then maybe once a week.  Last week i took Advil three times for a headache.  Oy.  Not good.

At my next visit he said we will go over some medications I can take that will work on the headaches as well as the Advil(Tylenol does nothing for me).


He is worried about the flare ups I have been having (so am I).

 He is concerned I am not getting enough sleep. He says I should try to get to bed earlier. That is easier said than done. I am supposed to get at least nine hours a night.  Preferably ten.  That is so not going to happen.  I would have to  go to bed at like 8:00, and since I am not three years old that simply isn't going to happen.  He thinks I should at least rest more on the weekends.

 Out of about ten things we talked about,  at least I'm doing one right.  I do rest a lot on the weekends.  I sleep late and try to get in a nap too.  Sometimes it makes me feel lazy.  I need to try and get over that.  I have an illness and my body needs rest.

When you have a chronic illness that isn't visible on the outside, people forget that you can't always do the stuff "normal" people can do. Heck even I forget it sometimes. Until I start having flare ups, and then I am reminded how much stress/ not enough sleep/not eating right can affect my body. We spent a good amount of time discussing dialysis, and the odds of when I might need to have it in my future.  I'm not gonna lie, that scared me.  I spend a lot of time trying NOT to think about that, especially since it is still a ways in the future.

Sometimes it's best to face things straight on though. He seems like the kind of doctor that will make me do that.

I gave a urine sample and a lot of my blood(seriously, like six large vials of it) and we will meet again  in one  week to go over the results.

We'll see where we go from there.