Monday, October 08, 2012


I have been  doing better.  I think everything that has happened over the last two months only just caught up with me  and I felt a huge wave of grief all at once.  I am feeling less homesick. I think it helps that I don't have to go to the city that I used to live anymore.  That was causing me to be quite sad.

I still miss Gizmo a lot.  I know I sound like a broken record about that.  You will only get it if you have pets and you have lost them.  I feel like a part of our family is missing.  I miss her very much.

I sometimes wonder if I have the right to whine about missing the life I used to have when I am the one that instigated these changes.  I'm the one who decided to move out.  I'm the one who decided to separate from my husband.

I second guess my decision(s) frequently.

None of those things were decisions I came about easily and none of them were made because I don't love my husband.

I do love him.  Very much.  Something had to change though.  I couldn't keep living the way we were.  I was so unhappy.  I can't imagine he was very happy either, living with someone who was so very unhappy.

I know so many people who stay in their current situations with their spouses/significant others when they are truly unhappy. I know people who put up with abuse, or even infidelity(neither of which applied in my case) simply because they are afraid to change anything.

It's understandable.  I was unhappy for well over a year. I was terrified to make this change.

But I had to.  For the first time in my life I am doing what's right for ME, regardless of how it has hurt other people or how other people feel about it.  As much as I am mourning the life I used to have, I know that overall I am(or will be)happier.  I am less angry.  I am less bitter.  I feel less resentment  towards my husband living away from him than I was living with him.  I feel some peace inside.

In that way this change has been good, and exactly what I was hoping for when I made the decision to leave.

It is my hope for  us to get back together and continue on, sometime in the future.

I take that back. I don't want to continue on the way we were.  I was too unhappy to want to do that.

And it would be impossible for us to pick back up and go on like nothing has happened.

I suppose what I want is for us to start over.  Can you do that after twenty five years with someone?  Start over?

I hope so.  I guess only time will tell.

P.S.  I don't get people who cheat on their significant others but stay with their husband/spouse.  I know a few people who do this.  If you are unhappy enough to look elsewhere than your marriage for sex/partnership, then have the decency to leave. You are a coward if you cheat on your spouse(repeatedly) and stay with them year after year. Just my opinion.

1 comment:

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

Gizmo will stay in your heart for ever and it will take a long time for the grief to pass.

Seriously proud of you for doing what's right for you!