Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Bah humbug

I want to write about how christmas  makes me sad but I can't get blogger to work on my I pad and it's frustrating.  I can type on my phone but that's tedious.  I have a key board for my ipad but blogger won't work so I end up just not posting  anything at all.

Like I said, frustrating.

I'm going to give it a go on my phone anyway and see how far I get.

I have always been one of those people who says they love christmas.  The tree, the lights,the presents, I love it all.

But then every year christmas comes around and every year I end up feeling sad.

I can't quite put my finger on why that might be.

I think part of it is that christmas makes me remember christmases past.  When I think about that I think about the people that aren't here to celebrate with us anymore, especially my mom.  My mom truly loved christmas.  She went all out with the decorations and the lights.  She loved buying and giving gifts and she always went overboard with the presents.  I know that isn't what christmas is about but it was always fun opening her presents.  She really took the time to look for gifts that she knew we would love.

I think about the other people in my life who aren't here anymore either.  My uncle.  My friend steffanie, who has been gone a little over a year now, and most recently my aunt. I know how hard the first christmas is without your mom, and I think about how sad my cousins will be this christmas without her.

The whole gift giving thing gets me down a little too.  I'm a lot like my mom in that I love giving gifts,  and I just don't have the money to buy the gifts I want, or give to everyone I would like to.  Like I said, it isn't about that but it's something I enjoy doing and it bums me out that I can't.  I did make some hand made gifts this year (o.k if I am being perfectly honest, my sister made most of my hand made gifts this year.  But they are still hand made!  LOL).  I wish I had the funds to buy presents for everyone special in my life.

The whole kid thing really gets me down this time of year.  I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that we will never have children to share the magic of christmas with.  I had a good long cry about it last night.   I couldn't even verbalize what I was crying about when joe asked me why I was sobbing uncontrollably in the car on our way home from grocery shopping but I realized later that I am still grieving the loss of our daughter and the reality that our dream is over.  It makes me incredibly sad.

Our whole situation this year makes me a bit sad. This is the first christmas in twenty five years that we aren't living together. I miss the griswold-esque lights joe always put on the outside of our apartment.  I miss having a tree with our ornaments on it.  I miss putting reindeer antlers on gizmo and trying to get a good photo of her wearing them(i never could).  I just miss gizmo period.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I love it,  christmas makes me a bit melancholy.  I wish that wasn't the case but it is.  (Sigh).

Maybe what I need to do is accept that it makes me sad and try to embrace the parts of it that don't make me sad and just do the best I can with the what I have.

Sometimes that's all you can do, and that's ok.

I guess typing on my phone didn't deter me from posting after all.    :)

Does christmas make anyone else sad or is it just me?


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry your feeling sad. The feeling of grief seems to never go away.. it comes in waves sometimes. I still get hit with it every once in awhile. I do hope that somehow this Christmas you can find some joy in something since you love the holiday so much! Sending you lots of love and hugs!

Journeywoman said...

I'm so sorry. I think of you as we get closer to our referral and I think about how much I wish I was sharing it with you. Sending lots and lots of love to you.

KHM said...

I think for any ofus who have lived long enough the holidays are a mixed bag of feelings. That includes some of the excitement and wonder from our childhood. And some of the sorrows of our later years. As I get older i seem to find it is all a mixed bag these days. Oh and I can't get the iPad to post either. Maybe I should have gotten an android