Free

Here is a post I thought I would never share.

I'm not even sure at this point that I'll hit publish on this one. 

Three years ago this weekend I was in the worst place mentally that I have been in my entire life.

Three years  ago I spent  Mother's Day in the hospital due to a depression so bad it had consumed me.

I have had people ask me how I got to that breaking point, what caused it?

It was a lot of things.

I was juggling a lot of balls in the air.  I was working two jobs because Joe's unemployment had unexpectedly stopped paying(for no apparent reason. After six months they started paying again with just an "oops!  Sorry about that!"). Don't even get me started on how they hold people's lives hostage with their ineptitude.  

I was in an abusive work environment(have you ever been called a lazy piece of shit by your boss?  I have.)

We were in dire straits finacially.

Our adoption was unravelling.

Everything in my life seemed like it was falling apart.

On the outside I was trying to maintain an outward impression of "I'm fine.  Nothing to see here".

But on the inside I felt like I was dying. Every waking minute I wasn't at work I was lying in bed. Sleeping.  Crying. Lots of crying.  But mostly sleeping and wondering where I would find the strength to get out of bed the  next day and do the whole charade again. 

I'm not sure why I am sharing this here, except that I have felt  ashamed of it for years and terrified of what would happen if people found out.  

I realize now it's nothing  to be ashamed of.  

I have an illness and I needed medical attention and I sought it.  

That's it.  End of story.  

If you feel differently about it then keep it to yourself because for the first time in my life

I.    Don't.   Care.  

I'm done being ashamed.  

I don't even know that person now, and I hope to never again. The right meds.   A wonderful support system.  A (fabulous) new job.   Slowly, slowly I started to come out of it.  To see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But when I was in it all I saw was darkness.  All I felt was hopelessness.

I struggle to find words to convey how awful it was.

Do I still struggle with depression?  Yes.  Do I still have bad days(or even weeks?)  Yes. I always will. That's the nature of depression.  

But I have far more good days than bad days these days.  This is the best I have felt in a very long time and I intend to enjoy it.

More than enjoy it.  Revel in it.

I was inspired to write this post after reading this:

Depression Part Two

I could have written that post.  Word for word.  It's like that person was in my head, reading my thoughts while she wrote it.

I'm so thankful for people like that who are brave enough to put that stuff out there so I can feel brave too.

As much as I wish no one else had to feel the crippling pain I have felt, I'm grateful to them.   Because of their bravery I feel less alone.   I feel free from the shame of that secret I have been keeping all of these years.

This is one of the reasons the Internet is awesome. It has the power to make you feel less alone.

And sometimes that's all you need. To feel less alone.


If you are in a black hole of depression right now,  hang on.  It gets better.  It really does. You aren't alone.