Seasons

Labor Day weekend.  And just like that summer is over.  One season ends and another begins.  Well not quite yet, but almost.  I can hardly wait until there are pumpkins in the stores!

It's been so hot and muggy here the last few days.  Yuck.  I'm not a fan.  Then again, who is?  It's supposed to cool down this week but get hot again next weekend.  I knew our run of good weather couldn't last forever.  September and October can be some of our hottest months. Thank goodness of air conditioning.  That and the beach is a mere fifteen minutes away. :)

It's slightly cooler at the stables and the sky last night was spectacular.  

I've been spending quite a bit of time there and have been riding a lot.  I'm enjoying it so much. I even braved riding bare back and I did great!  Well, I did strain my back a little bit the last time I rode without the saddle, but I didn't fall off, and my back is feeling much better now. Getting old sucks.  

I posted this picture last night with the caption "stress reliever".  I got some funny comments on it.  I know not everyone will get it but cleaning out stalls is relaxing to me.  It's good physical work.  Also, It's usually during feeding time when the horses are quietly munching on their hay and it's very peaceful.  

Speaking of getting old, my eyesight has deteriorated so much in the last year and a half. It's crazy. I went to the eye doctor last year and he said I need progressive bifocals.  I asked him what that meant and he said "Well, It means you can't see close up.  And you can't see far away either!"  Of course I never went and got glasses because they are expensive and there always seems to be ten other things that need money that are more urgent.  Right now it's car issues. Blech.  But I was at the grocery store yesterday and I was looking for pain relievers(see above about my back)  and I had to ask someone to read the sign at the end of the aisle.  Ugh!  I used to have 20/20 eyesight! Nothing makes you feel old like asking a teenager at the grocery store to read a sign for you. I'm simply going to have to cough up the money and get me some glasses. Driving is difficult because I can't read the street signs.  I've pretty much been driving by landmarks.  Like to get to work, I turn right at the clock tower, then left at the Catholic Church, then right at the Taco Bell.  Scary, right?? I guess I'm starting a new season of my life as the seasons change this year. That of an old person.    Blah.  

This was the longest week at my job.  My boss is gone and we are super busy.  Tuesday was an especially crazy day. I've been trying to do both my job and my boss's and I was running around trying to get everything done.  There was a box next to my boss's desk and it had been in my way all week so I decided to move it. As I was moving it the bottom fell out and this happened:

Oh.  Em.  Gee.   Those are pathology slides.  Like a thousand of them and they had been organized by date.   I started crying right there in the front office.  Thankfully I have amazing co-workers and they stepped right up(carefully...lol) and organized and put them all away. It took them three hours to do so.  Why didn't I help you ask?  I still had phones to answer and patients to tend to, and honestly at that point we decided maybe I had better just remove myself from the situation.  Good call.  ;)

File that one under things that would only happen to me.  

A friend told us about this event in Dana Point called The Parade of Elephants and it looked like fun so last weekend Joe and I went. It was very cool. Basically a bunch of different famous people paint and decorate elephants for charity.  Some of them were really beautiful.  I took a picture of every single one.  I tried to pare it down here but it was hard because they were all so wonderful. 

This one is in honor of the elephant that was fitted with a prosthetic leg after losing it's leg in an accident.  

I think this one might be my favorite. 

Klhoe Khardasian painted this one

This one was fun

Interesting.  I didn't catch who painted most of these.  I should have paid more attention to that.  

This is my second favorite

Can you guess who painted this one?

I guess I couldn't pare them down after all.   ;)

This week was the one year anniversary of losing Gizmo.  I still miss her every day.  I cried buckets of tears a few nights ago because I miss her so.  Is that weird?  To still miss my dog so much after a year? Sometimes I think I hold onto emotional stuff for too long.  I wonder if I'm "normal" in that sense.  I've noticed other people tend to be able to move forward more quickly with matters like that than I do. 

I think way too much.

 Anyway, I really miss my Gizmo.  I think if I was able to get another dog it would ease some of the pain. But I can't right now and I miss her and it sucks.  :(

In a few weeks we will start dragon boat practices again, and begin gearing up for another race at the end of October.  I'm so stoked.   We have never been to these races and I'm eager to see what they are like.  I just realized today though that we might have to get a hotel room because the races are an hour and fifteen minutes away and we have to que up for our first race at eight a.m.  I'm not a fan of getting up at the crack of dawn but I suppose we could.  It's only a one day race, unlike the long beach festival.  We'll see.  

I'm pretty psyched that Fall is officially on it's way. 

Restless

I've been having a great summer. I mentioned that in my last post.

Things have been really great.

Even so, I have been feeling a little....off.  I was having a hard time explaining it to joe. 

After thinking about it more I realized the feeling I have been having is restlessness.  

I feel restless.  Antsy. Edgy.  Fidgety. 

I chalked it up the the fact that It's coming up on one year that I lost my home and joe and I split up. 

One of the most difficult years of my life. 

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. Then other times it feels like a lifetime.  Especially the five months that Joe and I were apart. That seems, even now, like it lasted an eternity.  

It's been one year since I had a home.  I have had places to live in the last year.  Places to go after work, to eat dinner and sleep. 

But I haven't had a home. Those places were someone else's home and I was just a visitor.  

Not even where I am now is my home.  It's just a short term fix  for me.  A stepping stone.  A temporary stop on my way to where I am going.

But where am I going?  That's the thing.  I don't know. A lot of it is beyond my control right now and I hate that.  I like to be in control.  I feel helpless when I'm not. I need to let go of some of that.  It's hard for me and I struggle with it.

Joe and I have been together 25 years.  We have always lived together, and we have always had our own place.  They haven't always been the best or fanciest of places, but they were ours. 

I'm missing that so much that at times it hurts. 

I think a lot about making a big change.  Quitting my job. Moving somewhere.  Where?   I don't know. Anywhere else but where I am now.  

For the first time in my life I am unencumbered by the things that tie us down. 

 No home.  No long term contract to stay in the place I rent.  I have no pets. Every single belonging I own right now fits in one bedroom and a few boxes stored at my dad's house.  One moving truck and I could pick up and go anywhere I want.  

I stay up late at night(it's one a.m. as I type this now) and think about all of the places I could go. The possibilities are endless. 

But then in the morning my alarm goes off and I get up and get ready for work and as I get ready I think of all the reasons why I should stay right where I am. 

Most of the reasons are driven by uncertainty and fear(and not being in control).  Where would I work?  I would have to find another job before I could leave the one I have. What if I couldn't find another job where I want to go?  What if I couldn't find a place that I could afford? What if I hate the new place I choose? 

It's the what ifs that get me every time. 

Don't get me wrong.  I have reasons to stay here. 

I have a steady job, with fair pay and good benefits. 

My dad is here.  Joe is here. The stables are here. My friends are here.  

I live in one of the most beautiful states in America. The beach is twenty minutes in one direction and the mountains an hour and a half in the other.  

And yet for the first time in my life I feel restless.  

Maybe if we can find a place to call home. Get another dog. Start to put down some roots again. 

Maybe then I won't feel so restless.   

But for now I do. Feel restless. 

It's not like me and it's a little disconcerting. 

Oh well. I suppose I could fall back on the phrase that has gotten me through the last year, which has been: 

this too, shall pass.  

Update

This summer is flying by.  It has been really great so far, which is nice because if you remember i said at the beginning of summer this isn't my favorite season.  I actually usually really dislike it.   

But so far it has been very nice.  The weather has been absolutely beautiful!  We had one or two hot days but it has been in the high seventies to mid eighties for a few weeks.  Love it!  Of course September and October can still be very hot for us but for now I am enjoying the lovely weather. 

Speaking of seasons, Fall is coming!  Oh how I love Fall.  October, November and December are my favorite months of the year.  I love all of the holidays.  In fact, I have already started Christmas shopping!  Yes, you heard that right.  I swear every year I'm going to get started early and I never do. Not this year.  My goal is to have all of my shopping done by the first of November.  I have purchased two gifts already.  Joe is going to buy me a large Tupperware and label it Christmas to put all of my gifts in because he knows that otherwise I will misplace them. Actually it's kind of self preservation for him because he gets tired of me complaining that I can't find something and I usually end up making him look for it for me(he's a good finder..lol). 

My one wish is that I am able to move into a larger place.  I am praying nightly that I am in a new place by Christmas.  If you could spare some extra prayers would you mind praying for that for me too?  I really want to be in a place I can call home.  I also want to have a pet again. I so miss having pets. I didn't realize how much they bring to your life until I didn't have it anymore.  I still miss Gizmo very much. 

Instagram locked me out of my account and I'm so sad.  I love Instagram and I had almost four hundred pictures there.  I'm really pissed because they are the ones who locked me out, I apparently signed up with an email I don't know about, and they said I didn't link my account to Facebook  ( even though I did) and they said they can't help me get it back.  Their customer service is less than stellar. I created a new account for now but I'm really pissed about it.  

I had gone private on it because I have a stalker(hi stalker!).  My new one will be private too, once I get it established.  I'll never understand why people who want nothing to do with you feel the need to spy on what you are doing.  Some people need a life.  

We went to the beach after work a couple of Fridays ago and it was closed due to extremely high surf. The water washed up the entire beach and even into the parking lot!  It was crazy.  Of course we snuck down and took some pictures.  This picture of me smiling was between sets and I was terrified. As soon as joe snapped it I ran for higher ground.  Big waves freak me out. 

The whole parking lot was swept over with a wave!  That must have been very scary for people who were on the beach at the time.  

I wasn't able to capture the sheer magnitude of the waves with my cell phone.  They were huge. 

Anyway, dragon boat season ended but we are gearing up to practice another month and attend one more race.  So happy!!

We went out to dinner with some fellow teammates (who live 15 minutes from us!) and had the best time. Feels good to be getting out and being social again. 

Work is....work.  Pretty crazy.  Summer is busy.  We are booked six weeks out and it continues to amaze me.  Who knew so many people went to the dermatologist?  Not me.  Been putting in a lot of hours but I love my co-workers, which makes it bearable.  Of course it helps that my job has some fabulous perks. Free(costly) cosmetic treatments, discounts on some great skincare products, and drug reps that bring us catered lunch three times a week plus coffee and snacks most of the other days.  It makes up for the craziness.  Almost.   :)

One of the drug reps brought us these beautiful cupcakes.  Aren't they stunning?  Almost too pretty to eat.  (We still ate them..lol)

We went and sat in a timeshare presentation to get a free trip to Catalina and it turned out to be kind of a scam. I was bummed because I know people who have gotten some cool trips that way but this one kind of sucked.  Don't get me wrong, we still got a free trip to Catalina out of it, which we will be going on(I've never been!) but it wasn't exactly as promised and it was more of a hassle than I anticipated.  Oh well.  Live and learn. I promised Joe we won't be trying that again, seeing a though I had to drag him there kicking and screaming and it didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted.  

Been riding a lot lately and it is awesome.  I forgot how much I love to ride.  When I first got back Into this I was worried that it would be difficult for me because I am much older and have gained weight. That hasn't been the case At. All.  Riding is in me.  It's like breathing. When I'm on on the back of a horse I feel whole.    I'm so grateful to have been given this opportunity again.  

Overall life has been really good.  It's been a rough couple of years and I was starting to think I would never feel "normal" again. 

But I do feel normal.  Better than normal. 

Life is good.