Restless

I've been having a great summer. I mentioned that in my last post.

Things have been really great.

Even so, I have been feeling a little....off.  I was having a hard time explaining it to joe. 

After thinking about it more I realized the feeling I have been having is restlessness.  

I feel restless.  Antsy. Edgy.  Fidgety. 

I chalked it up the the fact that It's coming up on one year that I lost my home and joe and I split up. 

One of the most difficult years of my life. 

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. Then other times it feels like a lifetime.  Especially the five months that Joe and I were apart. That seems, even now, like it lasted an eternity.  

It's been one year since I had a home.  I have had places to live in the last year.  Places to go after work, to eat dinner and sleep. 

But I haven't had a home. Those places were someone else's home and I was just a visitor.  

Not even where I am now is my home.  It's just a short term fix  for me.  A stepping stone.  A temporary stop on my way to where I am going.

But where am I going?  That's the thing.  I don't know. A lot of it is beyond my control right now and I hate that.  I like to be in control.  I feel helpless when I'm not. I need to let go of some of that.  It's hard for me and I struggle with it.

Joe and I have been together 25 years.  We have always lived together, and we have always had our own place.  They haven't always been the best or fanciest of places, but they were ours. 

I'm missing that so much that at times it hurts. 

I think a lot about making a big change.  Quitting my job. Moving somewhere.  Where?   I don't know. Anywhere else but where I am now.  

For the first time in my life I am unencumbered by the things that tie us down. 

 No home.  No long term contract to stay in the place I rent.  I have no pets. Every single belonging I own right now fits in one bedroom and a few boxes stored at my dad's house.  One moving truck and I could pick up and go anywhere I want.  

I stay up late at night(it's one a.m. as I type this now) and think about all of the places I could go. The possibilities are endless. 

But then in the morning my alarm goes off and I get up and get ready for work and as I get ready I think of all the reasons why I should stay right where I am. 

Most of the reasons are driven by uncertainty and fear(and not being in control).  Where would I work?  I would have to find another job before I could leave the one I have. What if I couldn't find another job where I want to go?  What if I couldn't find a place that I could afford? What if I hate the new place I choose? 

It's the what ifs that get me every time. 

Don't get me wrong.  I have reasons to stay here. 

I have a steady job, with fair pay and good benefits. 

My dad is here.  Joe is here. The stables are here. My friends are here.  

I live in one of the most beautiful states in America. The beach is twenty minutes in one direction and the mountains an hour and a half in the other.  

And yet for the first time in my life I feel restless.  

Maybe if we can find a place to call home. Get another dog. Start to put down some roots again. 

Maybe then I won't feel so restless.   

But for now I do. Feel restless. 

It's not like me and it's a little disconcerting. 

Oh well. I suppose I could fall back on the phrase that has gotten me through the last year, which has been: 

this too, shall pass.