I miss blogging but I don't take the time to read other blogs.
I miss writing, but I don't write, aside from two line sentences on Facebook.
I want to feel better physically, but I struggle with making the right choices nutritionally, or having the energy(or motivation)to move my body daily.
I want joe to have a different job so we can sleep in the same bed at the same time again, but I'm terrified for him to make a change. What if they don't give him full time hours? What if his boss doesn't like him? What if he gets laid off again?(This thought followed by hyperventilation). His job is stable and they like him there and they give him time off when he asks for it. So I want him to stay. But I also want him to go because the opposite shift thing is tiring.
I want to get a second car but I'm worried about having a car payment.
My life is full of contradictions right now.
Work is stressful. It's summer. It's always stressful in the summertime. I know this, I've been there almost 5 years(five.years!), it shouldn't come as a surprise.
But I still let it stress me out.
I want to be able to accommodate every patient that wants to come see us. I want patients to be able to get their medications affordably, and if their insurance won't allow it, I want to fight their ins until they can(I win roughly half the time but it's time consuming and frustrating). I want the drug reps to be happy and get paid because they are people too and have families to support. I want our doctors to have the perfect schedule. Not too many patients, but not too few. (The not too few isn't a problem right now)
I want to make everyone happy.
I know that it is impossible to do so, but when I can't it makes me stressed. I need to let that shit go. I cannot make everyone happy. I can only do what I can do.
In addition to the day to day stresses there is the state of the world.
The world is a scary place right now.
Hundreds and hundreds of people being killed and injured in Terror attacks.
People being shot in the street, both civilians and police officers.
I spend more time than I should pouring over the faces of people who died in the last week alone. My heart breaks for all of them, but especially for their loved ones. I feel sad a lot of the time.
Candidates who terrify me vying to be leader of our country.
I have not been directly affected by any of these scary things as of yet. I'm safe in my little bubble but sometimes I lie awake at night and think that some day it will reach me.
Some of that violence and terror could infiltrate my little world eventually, right? And if not, why not? Why am I the lucky one?
I know that kind of thinking is a dead end street. It serves no purpose. I can't hide away in my little home. I have to live my life, despite the evil and terror in the world.
But there are days like today, where I hole up in our little house with the curtains drawn where I can't seem to find the courage to even leave the house to go retrieve something from my car or go pick up the mail. Joe calls it turtling.
Today I'm turtling. Pulling my head inside my shell and ignoring the world outside.
I'm searching for ways to help somehow, even if just a tiny little bit. Sending gift cards or small donations of money(even just $10) where they are needed. Hand writing and sending cards to cheer up someone that might need a little brightness in their day.
It makes me feel a little less helpless. Not a lot, but a little.
Despite all of the above, Joe and I have had some opportunities to visit my sister and get away from it all, which helps. We did a quick weekend trip for Cameron's 8th grade graduation. Don't even get me started on the fact that he's turning 15.
Then a couple of weeks later we headed back up for our annual Fourth of July trip to the Russian River with Lisa and a group of her friends. Had a fabulous time, as usual. I'll spare you the dozens of photos that look the same as the last four years and only leave you with a couple.
For anyone that needs it right now, I send positive thoughts and a virtual hug your way. The world is a scary place but I continue to believe that people are mostly good. If we all spared a moment to do one small act of kindness a day the world would be a better place. I'm gong to try to be better about that.
I'm actively looking for other ways to shed a little light to people in need, if anyone has any links or suggestions for me.
******Shed A Little Light is my favorite James Taylor song.