Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Finding Myself

We have this picture hanging in our living room.
Is it self centered to have a picture of yourself hanging in your own living room? Probably.
But that's beside the point.

I really like this picture. It was taken 6 years ago. February, 2003. That year, as an anniversary present for Joe I went to Glamour Shots and had some photos taken. This particular pose was taken more for my friends and family(and myself).

I had some other poses done for Joe but you won't be seeing those here. :)

Anyway, there are many reasons why I like this picture.

First off, I think it's a good picture. It was fun to have taken. They did my hair and makeup and they knew exactly how to pose me so I would look thinner my absolute best.

But more so than the picture itself, the main reason I love it is that it represents what was a very happy time in our lives.

It was before my husband became unemployed. He was teaching a full load of classes at several different colleges and we were hopeful that he would find a full time position soon.

It was before we knew that we would never become pregnant. We were about 9 or 10 months into trying to conceive, and we still had hope that it would happen.

It was before the heartbreaking years of infertility in which we isolated ourselves from friends and family to try and shield ourselves from the pain.

It was before I had to have a hysterectomy.

It was before I had lost my health insurance and had to start paying COB. RA. It was before Joe lost his insurance completely.

It was before I started gaining back all of the weight that I had spent the prior 14 months losing(I am 40 pounds lighter in that photo, which in itself is a whole other Oprah blog post)

I know it's easy to look at a picture and only remember the good stuff. Did we have problems then? Of course we did. That's life. But given the obstacles we have been facing lately that time in our life seems like it was a breeze.

I look at the smiling person in that photo and I wonder where she went. I feel like I kind of lost her somewhere along the way.

The girl in that photo laughed more, worried less and overall just felt better about herself.

The person I have slowly become over the last few years has trouble finding joy in everyday life, worries more than one person should ever have to and hates myself every single day when I look in the mirror.

I need to find the girl that I was in that photo. The one who got lost. I don't know where she went.

I need to find her somehow.

I have decided to start with something I can control, and that's my physical condition and self esteem issues(more about it later). It's not going to happen overnight and it's not going to be easy but I need to do it. And it's a start.

I'm going to take a little break from the blog. Not too long. At least until Mother's Day is over. It's a hard day for me. I don't expect everyone to understand that. That's O.K.

My own Mom is gone. I miss her terribly on Mother's Day.

I really have no idea if when I will ever become a mother myself.

I have nothing but good wishes for the people I know who celebrate it. Someday I will too. But not (again)this year.

Have a great rest of the week and a wonderful Mother's Day. Hug your Moms and your kids that day, if you're able. You are extremely lucky to have them.


Anonymous said...

I was really touched by this post. Hang in there sister. If you have the desire to be a mother it is possible. My husband and I tried for five years to conceive with no luck. It was then that we decided to look into other options like foster care and adoption through our state. They have guaranteed us that we will have a placement before we know it. It can happen. Just have faith. You will get back to your happy place.
-Jessica in AZ

Lea said...

This post is one of your BEST! Very self examining. That is HUGE progress.

Pamper yourself over the next few days and recognize that your feelings are real.

I am reading a BUDDHA book right now. The BUDDHA says that, "IT IS A PRIVILEGE TO BE A HUMAN BEING ON THIS EARTH".


Anonymous said...

So Sorry Mothers Day is so hard for you. Just know that in time you will realize the sadness and how your true feelings are. I mean it took me 18 years to find my spot and my "happiness" about it. Just know that you are being thought of and I can't wait for you to come back. I love your posts!

Natalie said...

OH Michelle. Your honesty has touched me.

I also lost my mother and I think that days like Mothers Day make me feel an extreme sadness for loosing her.
I will be thinking about you and I promise to pray for you and your husband!
Hugs to you my blog friend.


Stacey T. said...

Michelle, your post is super emotional and touching. I know it's easy for people to say "Just cheer up" or "do this" or "do that" but it's only you that can make those choices and changes. I think you can do it. I dont think you should look back at that time, though, look forward to what it can be....hugs my friend!

Linda said...

One small thing at a time...That is how change comes about. I too asked myself what happened to the person who liked to laugh and felt good about her self, and then I realized it was life changing things. Only I could change the way I dealt with it. I started to look around and realized God gives us miracles each day and they are so small sometimes we have to look hard. A beautiful sky, a child's laugh, or a friends voice.. I needed to make my own laughter and realize that thogh my Mom was gone a piece of her is inside me and she would not want me to be sad. I now try to be glad I had her and think of the funny things that she did... I wish you little miracles and happy thoughts ...
Take your time and have faith in the future... Linda

2china4S said...

That was really exceptional, very touching. I know what this long wait can do to one's psyche. My Mother's Days have been bittersweet, because although I had JJ, and now SS, I missed and still miss Mami. I totally get you.

I'm glad you have have decided to find yourself through baby steps.

Tracy said...

That is a beautiful picture of you. I hope you are able to find that person again-you have had a really rough few years and I can totally understand how you could have lost that person you were.

Even though I have children now-I will NEVER forget the pain of infertility, holidays, friends/family members getting pregnant. So there are lots of us out here who do understand how hard mothers day is for you....I just wanted you to know that.

I think you should password protect your site (so no one from your agency or a stranger can use what you say against you in your adoption) and say whatever you want on here. Maybe just getting it out and having friends/family support you would help you feel better??

Good Luck-I hope you come back soon:)

Anonymous said...

First, it is a good shot. And second, it is a very interesting post. We have a picture of my mother on the week she got pregnant with me and it is interesting to think about who that woman was then that is different than who she is now.

Briana's Mom said...

It is a beautiful pic.

I battled the infertility fight myself, and I have experienced so many of the feelings you are experiencing. No amount of "I'm sorry's" and "Hang in there's" make you feel any better. You are sick and tired of not being a mom, and Mother's Day is one of the hardest days to face (and my mom is still living - I can't even imagine how hard it is for you).

Take all the time you need to find you again. Just know I am thinking of you.

Carrie said...

Hugs to you sweetie! I will miss talkint to you throught he blog even if your gone a week! I will be prauing for you! Life at times is not easy, I am glad you are doing something to make yourself a happier, healthier person! You post touched my heart!Someone told me this once- "You need to be happier for the Here and Now"-Not tomorrow or last week or last year! I have been thinking of this alot lately!

DeAnn said...

Girl You are STILL beautiful! Inside and out.. At least you have a loving husband that wouldnt leave you at the hospital like mind did..

It sucks we are motherless daughters and daughterless mothers but you will get your baby.. it's just a matter of time..

We'll have fun tomorrow in L.A. even if we just walk around and buy some T i f f a n y. A little knock off jewelry never hurt anyone right??

see you then!

Debz said...

I love that picture of you.

Sending out a big hug and prayers for peace and joy to fill your heart.
Have fun shopping with DeAnn, she's right a little knock-off glitter never hurt anyone.

Lisa said...

This is a beautiful photo! Thank you so much for sharing. Funny how we look back so fondly on years past and forget that we actually had problems then too. :) Anyway, gorgeous photo. :)