Finding Myself

We have this picture hanging in our living room.
Is it self centered to have a picture of yourself hanging in your own living room? Probably.
But that's beside the point.

I really like this picture. It was taken 6 years ago. February, 2003. That year, as an anniversary present for Joe I went to Glamour Shots and had some photos taken. This particular pose was taken more for my friends and family(and myself).

I had some other poses done for Joe but you won't be seeing those here. :)

Anyway, there are many reasons why I like this picture.

First off, I think it's a good picture. It was fun to have taken. They did my hair and makeup and they knew exactly how to pose me so I would look thinner my absolute best.

But more so than the picture itself, the main reason I love it is that it represents what was a very happy time in our lives.

It was before my husband became unemployed. He was teaching a full load of classes at several different colleges and we were hopeful that he would find a full time position soon.

It was before we knew that we would never become pregnant. We were about 9 or 10 months into trying to conceive, and we still had hope that it would happen.

It was before the heartbreaking years of infertility in which we isolated ourselves from friends and family to try and shield ourselves from the pain.

It was before I had to have a hysterectomy.

It was before I had lost my health insurance and had to start paying COB. RA. It was before Joe lost his insurance completely.

It was before I started gaining back all of the weight that I had spent the prior 14 months losing(I am 40 pounds lighter in that photo, which in itself is a whole other Oprah blog post)


I know it's easy to look at a picture and only remember the good stuff. Did we have problems then? Of course we did. That's life. But given the obstacles we have been facing lately that time in our life seems like it was a breeze.

I look at the smiling person in that photo and I wonder where she went. I feel like I kind of lost her somewhere along the way.

The girl in that photo laughed more, worried less and overall just felt better about herself.

The person I have slowly become over the last few years has trouble finding joy in everyday life, worries more than one person should ever have to and hates myself every single day when I look in the mirror.

I need to find the girl that I was in that photo. The one who got lost. I don't know where she went.

I need to find her somehow.

I have decided to start with something I can control, and that's my physical condition and self esteem issues(more about it later). It's not going to happen overnight and it's not going to be easy but I need to do it. And it's a start.

I'm going to take a little break from the blog. Not too long. At least until Mother's Day is over. It's a hard day for me. I don't expect everyone to understand that. That's O.K.

My own Mom is gone. I miss her terribly on Mother's Day.

I really have no idea if when I will ever become a mother myself.

I have nothing but good wishes for the people I know who celebrate it. Someday I will too. But not (again)this year.

Have a great rest of the week and a wonderful Mother's Day. Hug your Moms and your kids that day, if you're able. You are extremely lucky to have them.