I've been feeling frazzled. This week has been trying for me.
I have done a pretty good job of filtering what I say on this blog. Keeping a positive spin on things. Only showing the happy stuff. And there has been happy stuff. Lots of it.
But as with anyone's life, there is unhappy stuff woven in there too. I try not to dwell on it. Many times I am not successful. Like this week. When a bunch of stressful situations happen all at once I become overwhelmed. Angry. Sad.
My husband is still unemployed. It is coming up on 14 months since he lost his job. I'm not even sure of the right words to describe my feelings about this. Frustrated, sad, worried, and scared don't even begin to cover it.
I guess the best word to describe my feelings right now would be weary. I am so very weary.
I have been fighting all week long with my doctor and my insurance company over a medication that I need. It's too expensive. I can't afford it. I have made countless phone calls and still there is no resolution. It is maddening and frustrating. I'm not trying to start a political discussion and I'm not even giving my opinion on the fight over health care reform, but there has got to be a better way. There just has to be.
This next portion of the post is for my friends who have traveled on this journey of infertility with me. I often find that those who haven't been down that path just don't get it. They feel like I'm whining. I do my fair share of whining. I will admit that. But what I'm about to write are my feelings and I have a right to them. No judgements please.
I have a counselor. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I have been seeing her for awhile. She is pregnant(again). I am happy for her. It is possible to be happy for someone yet still be sad for yourself. Sometimes it is hard to sit across from her every week and look at her pregnant belly. I wonder is she realizes how lucky she is? ( I think that she does. And we are very open and honest with each other and we talk about my feelings as they come up). It doesn't stop those feelings of envy from popping up now and again.
I mentioned last week that I had taken on a second job. It is as a Mother's helper a couple of nights a week. It's for a friend actually(hi J!). We met through an infertility group a few years ago. She has 9 month old twins(boys) and a three and a half year old boy. She needs some help on the nights her husband goes to school. The job consists of feeding the babies, and filling bottles, and getting them to bed. And I am really enjoying it. The babies are so sweet. (Her 3 year old is pretty awesome too. What a great kid)
When I left my last job I distanced myself from all things kid related, aside from my niece and nephew. No babysitting. Very few kid's birthday parties. I think it was my way of protecting myself as the wait for China lengthened.
Being with babies again has brought up a lot of old feelings for me.
Last week as I sat in someone else's darkened nursery, with the soft sound of waves from the noise machine in the background, sitting in the glider, rocking someone else's baby to sleep, I felt the tears start to come. I swallowed them down as best I could, because I didn't want my friend to see them.
Sitting in that dark room with a baby in my arms, I came to a realization.
It's possible that I will always be rocking someone else's baby to sleep. It might not ever be my baby in my arms.
I think subconsciously I have know for some time that this was a possibility. I'm not certain we will ever see a referral from China. If we do it will be many years from now. A lot can change in 3 years. I never intended for us to be 42 and 44 and first time parents. We've been trying for this for 8 years already. I'm not a quitter but so far all signs have pointed to the fact that I will not be a mother anytime soon. If ever. So I care for other people's children. And I am good at it.
These are the thoughts that came to me while I rocked my friend's baby.
Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe that's my purpose. Maybe I'm supposed to be important in the lives of other people's children.
Maybe it wasn't in God's plan for me to be a mother.
I don't know it that's the case. Only time will tell.
I know that I am blessed in so many ways. I have a wonderful family. I have a loving and supportive husband. I have an awesome sister, who takes me on cruises, and a great circle of supportive friends.
Sometimes all of the other stuff, the worry and the stress and the longing for something I'm not sure we'll ever have, gets to me. I have a tendency to hold it all in. I don't talk about it and I hope that the feelings will go away. I (try) to hide it from everyone.
And then I end up like I did last night, sitting in the bathtub sobbing uncontrollably and causing my husband to come running into the bathroom scared and bewildered, asking if I am ok and what in the world is wrong?
Perhaps for my husband's sake I need to let these feelings out before I get to that point :)
I was texting with a friend today(thanks M!) and she said something that struck a chord with me. I was explaining this longing I have to be a mother and she was describing what she longs for. Here is what she said:
"I think everyone has something they long for. I am learning to just take in what I have and celebrate that. I get stuck in what I wish I had. That is not healthy."
She's right. It's not healthy.
I suppose what I'm learning is that this is(still) a process. Even after 8 years. Just because I think I have moved past a certain stage it doesn't mean that I won't ever go back there. It's fluid. It ebbs and flows. As long as I can ride the waves and not get mired down in the negative parts for too long I think I'll be o.k.with whatever happens.
That's what I'm hoping for, anyway.
Thanks for listening.