Sunday, January 31, 2010

Congratulations Mike, Kayce and Jacob!

My good friend Kayce finally met her daughter.

Go on over and check it out!  Jake is blogging from China and he has the video up on his blog.

Go all the way down to "videos" and click on the top one.  You might want to have some tissue ready.  :)

Click Here

You can read all about their journey here

So, so happy for you guys.  I can't wait to meet her.

Saturday, January 30, 2010


I've been feeling frazzled. This week has been trying for me.

I have done a pretty good job of filtering what I say on this blog.  Keeping a positive spin on things. Only showing the happy stuff.  And there has been happy stuff.  Lots of it.

But as with anyone's life, there is unhappy stuff woven in there too.  I try not to dwell on it.  Many times I am not successful.  Like this week.  When a bunch of stressful situations happen all at once I become overwhelmed.  Angry.  Sad.

My husband is still unemployed.  It is coming up on 14 months since he lost his job.  I'm not even sure of the right words to describe my feelings about this.  Frustrated, sad, worried, and scared don't even begin to cover it. 

I guess the best word to describe my feelings right now would be weary.  I am so very weary.

I have been fighting all week long with my doctor and my insurance company over a medication that I need.  It's too expensive.  I can't afford it.  I have made countless phone calls and still there is no resolution.  It is maddening and frustrating.  I'm not trying to start a political discussion and I'm not even giving my opinion on the fight over health care reform, but there has got to be a better way.  There just has to be.

This next portion of the post is for my friends who have traveled on this journey of infertility with me.  I often find that those who haven't been down that path just don't get it. They feel like I'm whining.  I do my fair share of whining. I will admit that.  But what I'm about to write are my feelings and I have a right to them.  No judgements please.

I have a counselor.  I'm not ashamed to admit that. I have been seeing her for awhile.  She is pregnant(again).  I am happy for her.  It is possible to be happy for someone yet still be sad for yourself.  Sometimes it is hard to sit across from her every week and look at her pregnant belly.  I wonder is she realizes how lucky she is?  ( I think that she does.  And we are very open and honest with each other and we talk about my feelings as they come up).  It doesn't stop those feelings of envy from popping up now and again.

I mentioned last week that I had taken on a second job.  It is as a Mother's helper a couple of nights a week. It's for a friend actually(hi J!).  We met through an infertility group a few years ago.  She has 9 month old twins(boys) and a three and a half year old boy.  She needs some help on the nights her husband goes to school.  The job consists of feeding the babies, and filling bottles, and getting them to bed.  And I am really enjoying it.  The babies are so sweet.  (Her 3 year old is pretty awesome too.  What a great kid)

When I left my last job I distanced myself from all things kid related, aside from my niece and nephew. No babysitting.  Very few kid's birthday parties.  I think it was my way of protecting myself as the wait for China lengthened.

Being with babies again has brought up a lot of old feelings for me. 

Last week as I sat in someone else's darkened nursery, with the soft sound of waves from the noise machine in the background, sitting in the glider, rocking someone else's baby to sleep, I felt the tears start to come.  I swallowed them down as best I could, because I didn't want my friend to see them.

Sitting in that dark room with a baby in my arms, I came to a realization. 

It's possible  that I will always be rocking someone else's baby to sleep.  It might not ever be my baby in my arms.   

I think subconsciously I have know for some time that this was a possibility.  I'm not certain we will ever see a referral from China.  If we do it will be many years from now. A lot can change in 3 years. I never intended for us to be 42 and 44 and first time parents.  We've been trying for this for 8 years already.   I'm not a quitter but so far all signs have pointed to the fact that I will not be a mother anytime soon. If ever.  So I care for other people's children.  And I am good at it. 
These are the thoughts that came to me while I rocked my friend's baby.
Maybe that's why I'm here.  Maybe that's my purpose.  Maybe I'm supposed to be important in the lives of other people's children.

Maybe it wasn't in God's plan for me to be a mother.

I don't know it that's the case.  Only time will tell.

I know that I am blessed in so many ways.  I have a wonderful family.  I have a loving and supportive husband. I have an awesome sister, who takes me on cruises, and a great circle of supportive friends.

Sometimes all of the other stuff, the worry and the stress and the longing for something I'm not sure we'll ever have, gets to me.  I have a tendency to hold it all in.  I don't talk about it and I hope that the feelings will  go away.  I (try) to hide it from everyone.

And then I end up like I did last night, sitting in the bathtub sobbing uncontrollably and  causing my husband to come running into the bathroom scared and bewildered, asking if I am ok and what in the world is wrong?

Perhaps for my husband's sake I need to let these feelings out before I get to that point :)

I was texting with a friend today(thanks M!) and she said something that struck a chord with me.  I was explaining this longing I have to be a mother and she was describing what she longs for.  Here is what she said:

"I think everyone has something they long for.  I am learning to just take in what I have and celebrate that.  I get stuck in what I wish I had.  That is not healthy."

She's right.  It's not healthy.

I suppose what I'm learning is that this is(still) a process. Even after 8 years. Just because I think I have moved past a certain stage it doesn't mean that I won't ever go back there.  It's fluid. It ebbs and flows. As long as I can ride the waves and not get mired down in the negative parts for too long I think I'll be o.k.with whatever happens.

That's what I'm hoping for, anyway.

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Whirlwind Weekend

I can't believe the weekend is over already.  It was a whirlwind of activity and we only just arrived home a half hour ago.

A few weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail to a good friend's baby shower.  I really wanted to go but knew that it wouldn't be possible.  The shower was 6 hours away, which was too far to go for just the weekend.  I had just taken 2 days off to go on the cruise so I couldn't take any more time off.

Then my sister had her surgery.  And I was worried about her.  I really wanted to visit her, and help a little.

So I got this idea in my head that maybe, just maybe we could drive up North for the weekend.  I knew it was a crazy idea.  And I knew there was no way Joe would go for it. Because it was  a little bit crazy.

On Thursday I mentioned the shower to him and how  I really wanted to go but couldn't because it was too far.  He nodded and said he was sorry I would have to miss it.  A little later I brought up how I was worried about my sister and how I wish I could go there and help with the kids.  Again he nodded and said it was hard for me to live so far away from my sister.

 I kind of let it go at that point.  For a little while.  Then I turned to him and blurted out "I really want to go to Kayce's shower and then go to my sister's house and help her."

I expected him to tell me No, and that it was crazy, and too far to go for the weekend.

But he didn't!  He turned to me and said "If that's really what you want to do, then that's what we'll do."  And he didn't even call me crazy.

I love that man.  :)

So we got up early on Saturday and got on the road.  We arrived at the shower only a few minutes after it started and Joe dropped me off.

I walked in the door and Kayce was so shocked to see me.  I hadn't told her I was coming.  It was a beautiful shower.  I was in tears much of the time, thinking about how long she has waited for her little Jenny and it was finally happening.  They leave for China in 2 days and I can't wait to see Jenny in her arms.

Thank you Kayce, for inviting me to your special day.  It was such a wonderful day and I am honored that I could be a part of it.

From the shower we drove the hour and a half to Lisa's house.  We picked up the kids and took them to dinner and Chuck E. Cheese's so Scott could have a break. I do NOT recommend going to Chuck E. Cheese's on a Saturday night.  That place was packed to the gills.  I think Joe might be scarred for life.

We got home from our fun night out and I fell into bed I was so tired.

Today we got up and took the kid's to breakfast.  Came home, picked up all three dogs and took them to the dog park.  Brought the kids and dogs home and I started on some of the things Lisa hasn't been able to do the last few days.

I folded a bunch of laundry.  Did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the entire house, picked up the kid's rooms and mopped the floors.

By this time it was getting late so we had to get in the car and start home.

7 hours later we walked in the door and threw our bags on the ground.  My weekend bag is sitting on top of my suitcase that I never unpacked from the cruise.

I just came out of a warm bath and am now heading to bed.  I am exhausted!  I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.  I don't have a lot of pictures because I didn't have a camera.  I did snap a few with my cell phone.
There was SO MUCH snow on the grapevine.  I don't think I have ever seen that much snow there before. Of course we had to stop and play in it for a minute.

This is what Gizmo(and Joe) did for most of the trip while I drove

Joe snapped a pic of me driving

Isn't this a cool picture? This is what happens when you try to take a picture of the clouds while you are driving because everyone else in the car is sleeping.  Obviously I moved the camera while it was taking the picture.  But I thought it turned out kind of cool.

This is the only picture I got at Kayce's baby shower.  I was too busy having a great time.  Kayce has some wonderful pictures from her day over on her blog.  But aren't these cupcakes beautiful?  And they were so yummy too!
What a great weekend it turned out to be!

I picked up a part time job 2 evenings a week and I start tomorrow.  I anticipate this cutting into my computer time so if I'm not around much, you'll know why.  I'm sorry I haven't had the time to get around and comment as much as I'd like to.  I am still reading, I just find that I'm tired in the evenings and don't have the energy to comment.  Sorry!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Then and Now

My sister had surgery on Thursday so she's been on my mind a lot lately.  She had a rough recovery the first couple of days and I was worried.

It's times like these that  I hate living so far away from her.

She's my best friend.

I hope you are feeling better soon Lisa!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Project 365

So far so good o the whoel taking-a-picture-every-day thing.  There is another picture of the sunset at my work in this set.  Sometimes at the end of the day I freak out because I haven't taken my picture for the day so I just take a picture of whatever I see.  I'm going to have to get another camera soon though because the cell phone pics are getting old.  At least the next set will have pictures from my cruise in them, taken with my sister's camera.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Girl's Weekend

Last weekend I got to get way with a few girlfriends for a girl's weekend.  I'm so lucky.

There were supposed to be 7 of us attending.  Due to a  huge miscommunication with half our group, half of us ended up on one ship out of L.A. and the other half ended up on a different ship out of San Diego.  Oops!  Besides missing the other half of the group the whole time, the weekend was awesome.  We had the best time.

Here's a couple of things I learned on our trip:

Even if you have never suffered motion sickness before, there is a first time for everything.

No matter how many times you tell me our floor or room number, I won't remember them.

Being the only sober people in the room makes watching Karaoke super fun.

If you want to get good deals while shopping in Ensenada, shop with Heidi or Stacey.
If you prefer to pay full price, shop with Lisa.

When shopping in Ensenada, sometimes you have to pay the guy on the street  to just go away and leave you alone, even if you don't necessarily want the item he is trying to sell you.

You know you're getting older when you throw your back out jumping out of bed to greet the room service guy.  It may also be an indicator that you need to get out more.

No matter how many times you are reminded that all of the food is included throughout your entire trip, you will still wait 10 minutes after dinner for the check  to come every single night.

It might be time to lose some weight when after coming off the water slide a kid says to you
"Wow.  You made a really big splash".

You can never have enough ice cream.  Ever.

A few of my favorite quotes of the weekend.

Heidi, to me, in a crowded elevator.
Heidi:  "You're Boob is touching my arm.  I kind of like it."
Me: "Well that's good.  Because when your boobs are as big as mine, it's likely to happen again sometime throughout our trip."

Stacey, to Lisa, while shopping in Ensenada
Lisa(to the shop owner, after putting on a bracelet she was interested in)
"How much is this bracelet?"
Shop Owner:  "Eighty Five Dollars."
Stacey:(In her best Mom voice) "Eighty five dollars???  Lisa, take that off!!"
The funniest part is that Lisa practically ripped it off her arm as quickly as she could when Stacey told her to.

Stacey, to a shop owner in Ensenada
We were looking at glass pipes in the window, trying to figure out what they were for.
Me: "What do you smoke with that?"
Stacey: "That's a crack pipe"
Shop owner: "Would you like to see that?"
Stacey:  "No thanks.  We don't smoke crack".

And now here are more pictures than you ever wanted to see of our trip.

Heidi, Me and Stacey waiting for the ship to leave port

Lisa and me checking the temperature of the pool water.  We were told it would be the temperature of the ocean(brrrr!), but it was actually as warm as a hot tub!

Pool and Water slide                                 Atrium Court inside the ship 

Leaving port

Towel Animals.  I loved these.  Can you tell?

 Atrium court at night

Stacey getting cozy with Lisa on deck

Heidi demonstrating the ice cream rule
They had a towel animal class!!  I didn't go.  I wish I had.

I couldn't wait to try out the water slide.  You can see how excited I am here.  See earlier note about needing to get out more.

Getting ready to go down.  I can't believe I am posting pictures of me in a bathing suit on the internet.  These may have to come down soon.

It was fast!  I'm holding onto my sunglasses here so I wouldn't lose them.

We played Bingo.  I came very close to winning.  I didn't win. 

Lisa and I with our non-winning Bingo cards
 Fruity drinks.  The only ones of the whole trip
We saw dolphins.  It was the most awesome thing ever.

And a beautiful sunset
Thriller dance class.  We chose not to participate.  It was much more fun to sit on the sidelines and make fun of the people who did choose to participate.

We went into Ensenada on Sunday for a few hours of shopping.

We didn't buy these glasses.  Now I kind of wish we had.

They had a lot of Viagra for sale.  Nope, didn't buy any of that either

 A stick figure with a penis is always funny.  Always.

The sign said "Do Not Step on Grass".  I don't  listen or follow directions well.

Port in Ensenada.  Back on the ship before dinner.


A Mexican seagull 

Piano Bar.  Get it? Heh.

 I finally(on the last night) found the Sushi bar.  I was a happy girl after that.

Stacey and Heidi being silly on deck.  

Cool night shots as we left the port in Ensenada

Actually, slightly blurry but cool night shots.

 Our waiter.  He was nice and he had to put up with our shenanigans every night.

More towel animals.  I love towel animals. I wish someone would put one of
these on my bed every night.

Lisa decided she needed a nap so of course we had to mess with her and take pcitures.

 Waiting for the cheesy after dinner show to start.  It was cheesy with a capital C.

Monday was a complete nightmare.  Besides having to get off the ship and go back to reality(sniff), Lisa's flight was delayed so we waited all day before deciding to try and get another flight the next day.  It was pouring rain, we were soaking wet from trying to retrieve her luggage from the terminal, and we had horrible traffic on the way home(took us 3 and a half hours).

But on the way home we saw the most beautiful and breathtaking rainbow I have ever seen in my life.

 It was the perfect ending to a wonderful weekend.

Can't wait to do it again, next time with the whole posse!