My mom is gone.
I don't have a child to call me mother. I probably never will.
It is heartbreaking when you realize that something you wanted your whole life, and have tried to attain for 10 years isn't going to be.
I am really coming to terms with this recently, as many of my friends become closer to referral. I am happy for them(I really am). But I am sad for myself.
Perhaps it's just a pity party. Perhaps I should snap out of it.
Or perhaps I should just let the feelings come and allow myself to feel them until they pass(but not while I am at work. Because crying at work is lame. Not that I have done that. I'm just saying that it would be lame to do that).
When I get like this I feel myself retreating and isolating, two things you shouldn't do when you are depressed. But I do them anyway. I can't seem to help myself. *But I am trying not to do them.
So I get up every morning and drag myself out of bed. Force myself to go to work, and then force a smile while I am there. Throw myself into work so I forget about feeling sad for awhile, but feel the sadness creep back in on the drive home.
Pretty soon you start to realize that you are feeling sad more than you are not feeling sad. Such is the nature of depression. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and you don't realize it until BAM-there it is.
Here's a good one I found to help me through the week:
Here is something I do quite often. Especially when I am in a funk like I am now:
This is a good one too:
But here is one that I have next to my bed:
I will be grateful for this day.
No matter how sad I am. No matter how stressful work is. No matter how crappy I feel.
I will be grateful for this day.
The rest will fall into place and eventually I will stop feeling so sad.
It is a pattern that I am accustomed to.
Here is a piece of writing that a popular blogger wrote about depression that very much hits home for me. I cried when I read it. If you have a few minutes, it's worth a read.
**I am forcing myself to work out, and I know that will help. I am trying to get out of the house and not isolate. Some days are better than others. I will probably step away from the internet for awhile. At least until Mother's Day is over.
I will be o.k. This too shall pass.
P.S. My phone says I am always online on FB, even when I'm not, so if you instant message me there it's not that I am ignoring you. I just don't see those messages unless I have my phone in my hand. I wish I could turn off that feature but I can't figure out how.
8 comments:
I get the reason for your blues. If it hits at the same time each year, it sounds causal in nature and not just depression. Life is not easy. As we age, we certainly watch dreams go by. Such is the nature of life. I'll find you soon.
I really enjoyed the inspirational messages you posted. I remember that during the long wait I often felt like I was so stuck in waiting mode that I wasn't fully living. It's important to appreciate each day - thank you for the reminder. ;o)
allow yourself your feelings about all of this. You deserve them. But don't make it all about you. The Michelle I have come to love is more than that.
love to you.
lea
I'm so sorry you are having these feelings but they are certainly understandable. I hope I am not overstepping here or stating something that you have explained many times, but I am a new reader to your blog. Are you just not open at all to special need adoption? My daughter was in the referral line that seemed absolutely hopeless. After much prayer and consideration she decided to go the SN route, with a lot of qualifications, because as a single mother she had to have a special need she thought she could manage alone. After making that decision she had a referral within 3 months and now her Sophie is a beautiful happy 3 year old. She has Hepatitis B, which is very manageable. I went with her to China and our whole, large travel group received special need children and they all are just doing wonderfully.
Hope I didn't offend, but wanted to offer encouragement. Prayers for you.
I am sorry, I am not a fan of Mother's Day either. This year I haven't given it might thought, it really hasn't been thrown in my face yet. Even now with my 4 year old there are still scars from Mother's Day I don't know if time will ever heal.
I hope and pray that you guys will be parents one day. I know we have talked in the past about foster to adopt or adopting from the state. I know at the time you said it wasn't a place you were at right now. I hope that you can get there. You would be an amazing mom and I hope you will get to show a little girl or little boy one day that you are the best mom in the world.
Hugs..
Sending you warm, healing thoughts. I also struggle at this time of year for different reasons but can relate to the impact of changing seasons, losses, and holidays...it can be quite an emotional cocktail. Be gentle and kind with yourself and be where you need to be.
As ungrateful as it will come across, I am not a fan of Mother's Day. I miss Mami, every day, more so when I have those proud Mama moments. I understand.
Wish I had words of wisdom regarding Sophie. Been there, done that, but never with your class and grace. You were there for us, never bitter, just supportive. You are one class act.
I just want to tell you how much you're loved by me and my family.
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