I really do. I get that from my mom. My mom loved Christmas. She always made it so special for us, both as kids and adults, up to the age of 25 when I lost her.
This year I was especially excited about Christmas, because after two years I had my own place again, after feeling like I never would.
I started shopping in September.
I put my tree up before thanskgiving(gasp!).
We put a bazillion lights on our tiny house.
I hand made all of my Christmas cards this year.
Then it seems like I hit a wall. I had a fire lit under me to get everything done ahead of schedule, and this week the fire fizzled out.
Addressing cards is not my favorite part of sending Christmas cards, and I only got half of them done.
There is a half made wreath sitting on the floor near my tree that I just never found the energy to finish.
Suddenly I am realizing that I have a few more gifts to buy, with time(and pay checks) running out to buy them, especially because I need to buy online.
My job gets a little more stressful each day, as we get closer to the New Year and people want to come in before their deductibles re-set(not gonna happen). People take their frustrations out on me.
Watching the kid's Christmas shows(like I do every year) brings on a feeling of melancholy when I realize we will never get to watch them with our own children. I cried watching Charlie Brown Christmas. Linus' speech always gets me at the end.
Even the Christmas songs that I love(that we have playing at work full time now) are making me feel a little sad this week. It's only Tuesday!
I'm still not sleeping and am so tired. I have some kind of bacterial infection in my eyes and they are red and they hurt. I'm having to leave work early two days in a row to see two different doctors about it, using PTO that I've been saving for the week I'm taking off at Christmas. I never have been able to catch up from all of the PTO I used for the accident, then a couple of sick days after that. The eye drops that were prescribed to help cost $127 because our insurance started over and I have a deductible. I'm praying the eye doctor tomorrow has some samples I can use. Otherwise I'm not sure how I'm going to swing that.
I need some dental work done and it simply isn't in the budget right now. Like, not at all. I'm hoping I get some money back on my taxes this year. It's no fun having pain in your mouth when you eat. Why does dental work cost the price of a down payment on a car? It's ridiculous. I don't have dental insurance. I also don't have $2,000. It's insane.
My accident case is coming to the point that we are going to submit a demand package from the insurance company any day now. I'm nervous about that. I'm worried that they won't offer to pay us enough money to cover all of my expenses, plus enough to pay the lawyer and physical therapy bills and all of this will have been for nothing. I'm nervous we will have to go to trial(not likely, but I worry about it anyway). I'm a worrier.
I guess what I'm saying is that at this point in the holiday season I'm feeling a little down and stressed out. I think that's pretty normal. But it's still no fun to experience those feelings.
Maybe what I need is a hot bath and a glass of wine. Maybe I need to chill out and not be so hard on myself whenever I feel blue.
Hopefully I can get back into the Christmas spirit soon.
I have 16 days to get my mojo back. Only 13 days to get through until I'll have a whole week off.