Keeping it Real

A few days ago I read this post:




You should read it.  It's a little long, but worth it. (Click on the picture)

I read it again.  It rolled around in my head a little bit and then I read it one more time. 

 It really stuck with me.

I see a lot of this disease he is referring to, this disease called  Perfection.  I see it every day, in the wealthy area that I work.  I see it on other people’s blogs.  I see it especially on Facebook where people update their status twelve times a day with snippets from their “perfect” lives. 

I’m not one of those people who goes around spewing rainbows and sunshine.  It’s just not my nature.  If you read this blog then you already know that.  I have had people tell me I am too negative.  They are probably right.  I’m actually not as negative “in real life” as I come across on this blog.  This is where I tend to dump all of my fear and worry.  There have been some stressful situations in my life over the last few years(just as anyone has) and this is where I choose to share them. Maybe that’s wrong.  Maybe it’s not what you would choose.  But it’s what I choose. And it helps me.  

Although I tend to "keep it real" in most aspects of my life, there is one area where I tend to  spew perfection, and that's where my marriage is concerned.

Over the last few months I have had a few people tell me that they are envious of my marriage.  

Each  time I was like “Huh??  Envious?  Whatever for?”

And then I realized it is because when it comes to our marriage I only put the good stuff out there.

 I write how Joe is so good to me.  How lucky I am to have him. How he tells me every day that I am beautiful.  How we have been married for 18 blissful years.  How we are best friends and we love spending so much time together. 

All of the above  things are true.  

But just as there are good things in our marriage, there are bad too.  I just choose not to put them out there. I choose not to be real because I want people to think we have the perfect marriage.  There are so many other things going wrong in our lives that I want this one thing to come across as perfect. 

But our marriage is far from perfect. 

Joe and I fight. We yell at each other.  I slam doors. 

There are days when I wake up pissed off because I have to get up and go to work and he gets to stay home.  (Many days).

Sometimes after a fight we don’t “kiss and make up” before bed time and we both sleep in different rooms.

I say unkind things to him.  I say things to him that I would never say to a friend, and yet I call him my best friend. But sometimes I don’t treat him as one.

Sometimes I wish he would go somewhere, anywhere, just so I can have an hour alone in our apartment.

He leaves all the kitchen cupboard doors open and it drives me crazy. 

I leave my wet towel on the couch every night after my shower and it drives him crazy.

We have had to seek the help of professionals to deal with some of the stress on our marriage over the last two years.

I have had people say mean things to me about him and I didn’t stand up for him.

I could go on and on, but you get the picture.  It isn't all good. There is bad too.  I just choose not to be real about it, due to this disease called perfection.

After all is said and done you take the good with the bad and I wake up each day and try to be a better wife. We love each other.  And we are so very lucky to have one another. 

But it certainly isn’t perfect, the way I make it out to be, and how I want others to perceive it.

I wonder how different the world would be if sometimes people tried to be a little more real instead of hiding their fears, or worries or problems behind perfection?  How many conversations would start if someone let on that they were sad, or scared, or angry, or hurt sometimes?  How many people would feel less alone? 

I know I would.  So I'm going to try and be real more and not fall prey to perfection.

*****Being real doesn't mean that you spew negativity all the time.  It simply means that you be honest about your faults and don't be afraid to let them show once in awhile. You might be surprised to learn how many people are going through the same trials that you are if you only open yourself up and share with them. *************

Be Real.

Maybe I should just resign myself to the reality that I will only be posting once a week or so.  I just don't have a lot to say, and honestly there isn't a lot going on(that I'm willing to share here).  I'm worried and stressed every day about Joe's job situation.  His unemployment is going to run out at some point(not right this second, but soon enough to have me worried).  It's getting harder and harder to explain to people that he can't get a job.  People are so judgmental. I usually just let them have their say and I keep quiet.  You know how they say you don't know someone's story unless you have walked in their shoes?  I have learned that to be so true.  So true.  I am going to try very hard not to assume things about people any more.  You have no idea what their story is.  I am learning a lot of life lessons out of this whole thing and as difficult as it is to go through it right now I think I will come out of it a better person.  It doesn't keep me from crying myself to sleep over it many nights though.

Moving on.

World of Color was amazing.  So.  Good.  I can't wait to see it again, but I'll wait until the hype dies down before we do.  What a process it was just to see it.  We had to be at CA Adventure at 5:00 to get our fastpasses for it.  We were told you couldn't line up until 5:00.  Well they lied because there were a whole lotta people in line before us and we got there at 4:30.  My back had been hurting a lot(I'm so over my back hurting), so I was worried about how long we were going to have to stand in line.  We thought maybe I would find a bench to sit on while Joe waited.  So I got in line and Joe went to the front to see how long the line was.  Next thing I know he's coming back with 2 fastpasses. I was like "How'd you do that?"  He said he told some lady at the very front of the line that his wife had a bad back and she was standing at the back of the line and would she mind getting us a couple of fast passes?  Well she said "Sure, no problem" and he handed her our annual passes and within 5 minutes we had our fast passes.  And they were for the best viewing area.  Maybe it wasn't fair to the rest of the people in line but I was so grateful.  If there is one thing I have to say about Joe, it's that he is resourceful.

That gave us about 4 hours to fill until the showing so we went over to Disneyland to hang out.  We ended up sitting on a bench and people watching for a while because my back was hurting(did I mention I'm over my back hurting?  Because I am).  A lot of stuff was closed because they weren't launching their "Halloween Time" events until two days later.  After that we had to go move our car because we parked in the Downtown Disney parking lot and you only get 3 hours free and Joe didn't want to pay for parking.  We took the monorail out to Downtown disney, which is so convenient.

After moving the car we headed back into CA Adventure.  The cool thing was, the park was closed to regular visitors at this point and only open for annual passholders, so it was empty.  We walked right on Tower of Terror, 3 times in a row.  We love that ride. Finally at 8:00 it was time to head over to the "holding area" for World of Color.  We had to stay in the holding area for an hour, until it was time for them to herd us into the viewing area for the show.  We had the best location, front and center.  If there is one thing I would change about it, it would be that they make it so you can sit down and watch the show, like they do for Fantasmic.  The way they had it set up you had to stand the whole time and the show is about 35 minutes long.  That's a long time to stand, especially if you are in pain. This is where Joe comes through again.  He went and told a cast member that his wife had a bad back and was there somewhere she could sit down to view the show.  Well next thing I know, a cast member is escorting us to a roped off area with benches with a perfect view of the show.  One of the things I love about Disney.  They are so accommodating.  Joe stood up in the back of the area to give other people who needed to  sit  a spot.

But the show was amazing and totally worth the wait and we are so lucky to have gotten to see it.  I love having Wednesdays off.

Today we have been doing a lot of cleaning and purging and then we are headed out for a walk later. The weather is beautiful today.  Cloudy and breezy with a high of 70.  Unfortunately it's going to go up to  97 degrees on Sunday.  Blech.  That's not very Fall like at all.

I'm sorry if this is  getting old but I  miss my cat  so much.  I've been feeling very sad about it.  I just can't believe she's gone and she's never coming back.  I know this sounds stupid but I feel like somebody in my family died. She was our baby for 18 years and now she's gone.  There have been a lot of tearful nights around here in the last week and a half.  Between my uncle and my cat I have been feeling very melancholy.  I know it will get better as time goes on. It's just so hard right now. Grief is so exhausting.

On a happier note,summer is over and the kids have gone back to school, which means we can finally start using our Disney passes again.  Tonight we are headed to a special showing(for annual passholders only) of The World of Color at the CA Adventure park. I can't wait.  From what I have seen, it's spectacular.

I don't think I'm going to bring my camera so here are some pictures I found on the internet:

It looks so cool.  I'll let you know how it was.

Goodbye Kitty

She didn't come back and I am heartbroken.  I know we were lucky to have her for 18 years.  I know she lived a long, good life.  But I miss her and I wish I could have her back.  She is a part of our family and now our family is incomplete.

Goodbye Kitty.  We love you and miss you.

**she started with a name but over the years we had taken to calling her just "kitty".

Here is something that we do on another board I belong to and since I keep coming here and don't know what to write I think I'll try it here.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

The Good:
-- I went to Vegas for Labor Day weekend.  We housesat at an amazing house in Henderson and laid by the pool all day.  It was good to get away.

--I applied for several jobs in another city and I got job interviews for all of them. I couldn't go on any of them at this time, but at least I know that I am hirable.  Now if only we had the money to move.  I don't think Joe is going to find a job if we stay here. Our county has one of the highest unemployment rates in the state.  Something has to change and I think it might have to be our location.

The Bad:
--My uncle died. My prayers are with my Aunt and my cousins. He will be greatly missed.

--My car got broken into and about $350 worth of stuff was stolen.  It sucks.

--Our cat is missing.  I am trying not to panic about it.  She has disappeared for a couple of days before and she always came back but that was when she was younger and got around better. She is 18 years old.  Her back legs often go out on her.  I have been trying to keep her in the house but she has been an outdoor cat all of her life and she would stand at the door and howl until we let her out.  She has to come back.  I can't even think about the alternative.

The Ugly:

Me in a bathing suite in Vegas.  Not.  Pretty.  I want to start walking again but my back still hurts.  Will it heal eventually and stop hurting?  I mean it can't hurt forever, right?  Anyone with back injuries out there that have an answer for this one?

I know I had a lot of bad in there but this has been a hard few weeks.  Things will get better.

So let's hear your Good, Bad and Ugly.

Long Time no Post

2 weeks.  Wow.  Long time no post.

My life is so boring I haven't felt the need to even put down in words what's been going on.  Joe did not get any of the jobs he interviewed for.  I spend my time either crying about it or having complete and total panic attacks.  Neither are fun, for me or for Joe.  I have to admit I am losing hope that he will find a job. Like, ever.  I do realize how silly it is to think something like that but you have your spouse go 19 months without a job and then tell me how you feel about it. It is disheartening, to say the least.

I'm one of those people who likes to have something to look forward to.  A special occasion.  A holiday. A trip.  A concert.   Something. Well we've got nothing and  haven't for a while and it's bumming me out.  I have a couple of days off(a few actually) at the end of August and I had hoped to make it up North to see my sees-ter and my Nor Cal blogging buddies but it isn't going to happen.  It's just not in the budget right now.  I am sad and disappointed about it.   

I'm ready for summer to be over.  We have been incredibly lucky with the weather here and it has been a very cool summer but in the last week it has begun to heat up.  I hate heat.  Blech.  It's too hot to go walking so I end up sitting inside on the couch for long stretches of time.  Not helpful for my negative frame of mind.  We have made it to the pool to exercise a couple of times in the last week but it's such a zoo there some evenings that there is hardly room to move, let alone work out.  Plus I love Fall.  It's my favorite season.

We have really been isolating ourselves socially as well, mostly due to financial reasons.  We mostly keep to ourselves, and stay home and shy away from being other people.  Not that we have that many friends to begin with.  We don't really have any "couples" friends that we can hang out with.  We talk all the time about how we need to get out and make friends.  We would love to have a group of people to get together with and watch movies, or play board games with.  The question is, how do we do that?  Where does a couple in their 40's(almost), married, with no kids go to find friends?  The bar?  The bowling alley?   The park? We live in an apartment so we don't even have the whole "neighborhood" aspect.  No block parties and such.  It's hard for us to meet new people.

How do you meet new friends? I think having children makes it easier, as you have other parents at your child's school/daycare, etc., plus birthday parties and such.

Today is turning out to be another lazy day.  We are committed to get out and go for a walk later after it cools down and I have some laundry to do but other than that, nada.  Tell me something fun you are doing today. Maybe I can live vicariously though you guys.

Lazy

Yesterday was a pajama kind of day.  As in, I didn't get out of my pajamas or leave the house all day. Today is shaping up to  be the same, as it is 11:15 am and I am still sitting here in my p.j.'s.  I'm not sick or anything, so I can't put the blame on that.  I'm just really tired and my back is hurting.  I suppose those are good enough reasons to lay around all day in your pajamas but I still feel incredibly lazy.  We are going out later to check out a new hiking trail we have never tried, so at least I'm not a total sloth.


I'm trying not to spend too much time worrying about Joe's job interview.  If there is one thing I am good at, it is fretting about things. How did the interview go?  Did they like him?  How many other people did they interview?  How long will it take before they call?  What if they don't call at all?(I hate when prospective employers don't call, even if you didn't get the job. It seems like common courtesy to me to call and let the applicant know that they weren't selected but you would be surprised at how many companies don't bother).  And most importantly, Did he get the job???  That is by far the most common question running though my mind. Constantly.


That last paragraph made me sound like a total spaz, which I suppose is somewhat true.  No wonder I often don't sleep well at night.  Geez.


He has another job interview next week so I am trying to remain hopeful that he gets at least one of them.  Both are jobs that are part time and pay only just above what unemployment is paying us but the most important thing right now is that he have a job.  For both of our sanity.


Thank you for the prayers and good thoughts. It means a lot to me.


Off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday(and hopefully get out of my pajamas).

Dragon Boat Races, Day Two

I don’t actually have anything to post for day two, as I left my camera at home. I just didn’t want to leave you hanging. Day Two was actually really awesome. We placed second in one of our races, which is the best place we have placed, well, ever. I did mention we are a non-competitive team, right? We are the only team that has kids and adults in our boat. The other teams have either all kids or all adults and they practice for a much longer time period than we do (we only practice 3 months out of the year). What does this mean? It means we usually place last or second to last and we are happy with that. We aren’t “in it to win it”. We are in it for the exercise, and the teamwork and the fun (and also to share in our common bond of children adopted from China). So second place? It pretty much rocks. We were all so thrilled.




I’m not going to beat around the bush this time, I’m just going to come out and ask (beg) you all for (another) favor. Joe has a job interview on Thursday and we need to him to get the job. Badly. I’m at the end of my rope here. Emotionally and financially. All prayers and good thoughts would be so appreciated. Thank you so much.

Dragon Boat Festival, Day One

Day one of this year's Dragon Boat Races is behind us.  It is so nice sharing the experience with Joe this year.  In year's past he was there as my cheerleader but didn't have anything to do with the actual races.  We ended up not racing together, as I only raced in one race today.  I was supposed to do two but was feeling poorly so I pulled out of my last race.  No we are home and I am sore and sun burnt and contemplating an early bed time.  Round two tomorrow.

Women's race.  My only race of the day.

Drum leading the Chinese Dragons.  Sadly most of my pictures of them came out blurry.

Th crowd cheering the races on

Lisa's Visit Part Two Or the most picture heavy post ever

    This was the view from Lisa's hotel room.  No, I did not use the zoom.  That is actually how close the train tracks were.  Needless to say, she moved rooms after one night.

On Thursday we went to the OC Fair.  We were thinking that it wouldn't be crowded because opening weekend was over and it was a Wednesday.  Everyone else in Orange County must have thought the same thing because it was more crowded than I think I have ever seen it.

                                                              Wall to wall people

Cameron and Grace went on this ride. It went in a circle backwards and then this tent folded over you while you rode.  Not my cup of tea.  Cameron and Grace loved it.

                               Remember the pig that was pregnant last time?  She had her babies.

                                      All together now..........Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

                                     On Friday we went to the American Girl Doll store. 
                                        It was like the Mother ship was calling Grace            
                                                 home(love that quote from "Friends").

                             Pretty fountain at "The Grove" where American Girl Doll Place was

                            These kind of freaked me out.  Dolls that look just like you.
                                  One is fine.  But a  bunch of them together is freaky.

                                      The Hippie doll is my favorite.  I used to have that bike.

                                          
                                             Grace with her "twin" doll and matching outfits.

                                       Lisa, Grace and Cameron at American Girl Place. 
                                                          Cameron is displaying his
                                        displeasure of  the whole American Girl Doll experience.

                           On Saturday we met up with Stacey and the kids at Downtown Disney. 
                          Tony Hawk was there doing a  skateboarding demonstration.  It was gnarly.
                             (That's me trying to be cool.  I wasn't that impressed.
                             Although Tony is catching  some wicked air on that trick).

                                         Give me an "A".  For Cameron.  I don't know why.

Austin, Cameron and Ryleigh all had their pictures taken with their respective letters in the "California". Upon realizing that Grace had no letter on which to pose she said in her best drama filled voice "There's no "G" in California!!  Sob".  Heh.

Here we are compromising. "F" for friends!

C for Cameron

                                            A for Grace.  Again, I don't know why. Oh yeah.
                                                         There's an "A" in   Grace.

                                               The whole group(minus Joe).  C for Californians.

Somewhere in there we squeezed in a trip to Dave and Buster's.  Love how intent everyone is on driving their little cars around the tiny little track.  I think Cameron won.  Much to Uncle Joe's chagrin.

Grace's favorite game.  Doesn't she look like she is sittng at a slot machine?  Nice.  Way to go D & B's.

Black and White Wednesday

Lisa's Visit

Lisa and the kids have been visiting for the last 5 days and we squeezed a whole lot of fun into that short period of time.  There is so much to post that I'm going to have to split it into several posts.  On Wednesday DeAnn met us at the beach and took some pictures of Lisa and the kids(and dog), with a couple of me thrown in.  They really turned out great.  The weather was overcast and cold and the waves were huge.  It was kind of scary. The pictures turned out good regardless and you can't even tell that I was terrified the whole time that we were going to be swept away into the ocean to our deaths.  You probably think I am kidding but I am not. It was scary. 

                                                  I love the look on Grace's face in this one.

                                                  The ones of Grace came out so good.

                                                         Handsome Finn

The tide came in very quickly and we almost got stuck on the cliffs.  I tried to cross back over and a huge wave engulfed me and I got soaked.  Lisa crossed with Grace on her back, narrowly missing a huge wave and then DeAnn followed shorty after, when the set had gone back out.  It was at this point that I became very nervous.  I was shaking as I took these pictures.  Thankfully everyone made it safely across.

                                                       It  truly is a beautiful place though.
                                            Thanks DeAnn, for doing a fabulous job, as usual.

Day two coming tomorrow.