Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I had a bad day. Some days are like that. I woke up in a funk. I cried on the way to work listening to Christmas music. I love Christmas. But it makes me sad. Why is that? I screwed up at work. A couple of times. It's no big deal, but it didn't help my state of mind. I cried again on the phone with Joe at lunch. I'm feeling pretty emotional today. Maybe it's the post vacation blues. There is something else that is bothering me. I have gone back and forth on whether I should post about it or not. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings, and if you haven't been through the pain of infertility you just won't get it. Oh well. Here goes anyway. Before we started the adoption, and right before we decided not to go any further with infertility treatments, I joined an infertility support group. I have mentioned it before. Through that group I met four wonderful women who have become my friends. We try to meet at least every couple of months to catch up. Out of the four of us, two became pregnant. I could not be happier for them. That left two of us still trying to start a family. While we chose adoption, the other girl pursued IFV. Many, many times, all with heartbreaking results. She and her husband talked about adoption, but nothing was concrete. Over the weekend I received an e-mail from her. In her e-mail was a picture of her beautiful newborn son that they had adopted domestically. I am so happy for her and her husband. I truly am. They went through so much and I am so glad to see them happy. But at the same time I am sad. Out of the five original girls that were in the group, only one of them does not have their baby at home with them. Guess which one. That would be me. It is so disheartening. We started our adoption process a year and a half before they did. And we are nowhere near having our baby home. Nowhere near. I thought giving up on the infertility treatments and pursuing adoption was the plan God had for us. I really did. And now I'm not so sure. I have so many doubts. Not only can I not get pregnant, I can't even choose an adoption plan where I have my child home in less than three years. Somehow I feel like a failure. I didn't want to be the last one standing. Although I wouldn't have wished it on anyone else, I didn't want it to be me. Why am I always last? Why do we have to wait so long? Will this ever really happen? So many questions, and no answers. I feel so guilty for even thinking this way. I am happy for each and every one of my friends that have been able to start their families. Is it possible to be happy for someone and still be sad for yourself? I hope so. Because I am sad. Very sad. I'm going to take a bubble bath and climb into bed. It's hard to feel sad when you are asleep, right?

P.S. T-I know you read this occasionally. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I am so, so happy for you. He is so beautiful and I can't wait to meet him. I know if anyone can understand how I'm feeling, you can.


Katie said...

You know - it also may be that you are also facing another holiday with no child. You have been waiting for so long, sometimes it just catches up with you and you are sad with no concrete reason. It happened to me durring our "miscarriage years" and during our wait. Sometimes I was just really sad all of the sudden and I didn't really know why. I think it seemed to happen more around the holidays. It sucks to try so hard to make something happen for years and years and never see it come to fruition. Esp. when it happens for everyone else. Of coarse you can be happy for someone and sad at the same time. I know I have felt like that. I remember being where you are now really clearly. I'll never forget. It SUCKS. I still can't believe I made it through. I don't know if I ever will. It felt like a never ending wait. I feel for you. Hang in there Michelle.

Cindy M said...

I've been there, too. I was the last one in our family without kids...all my husband's siblings were expecting...and everyone else we knew. It stinks, and you don't have to apologize for feeling sad. It IS sad. BUT I just want to encourage you to persevere. God DOES have a plan, and you won't forget all this pain, but it will strengthen you for the road ahead. It will also pale in comparison to the joy you feel when you finally hold your little one.

Remember God has already chosen your child, so you should do something fun in anticipation of that child! During our wait, I bought a few things here and there for our baby girl, and it helped the whole thing seem more real. I didn't go overboard...just picked up little things here and there...shopped the clearance racks...bought her a Christmas gift both years of our wait. Some people don't want to buy anything when the wait is this long, but maybe it would help.

Blessings to you...keep the faith!

Verna said...

Hi Michelle, I know life sucks at times. I want to share a couple blog sites with you that may help you feel better about your decision to go to China.




If looking at them bring tears to your eyes, you know that the wait will be worth it.
Hugs from MN. ~v

Rebel said...

Hang on... your baby has been choosen specially for you by a higher power ... and you must wait until she is ready!!! Once she is in your arms all the past dissapointments will melt away ~ I promise you this!!! It is hard to understand when you are living with the pain and emptiness each day... but know that you and your daughter are on paths that will cross shortly and the joy she will bring to you and your husband will amaze you every day... she will be the perfect child and she will be so worth the wait!


nikki said...

Hi Michelle, My name is Nikki and I traveled to China in 2005 (with Verna) and she told me you were feeling sad...she thought I might be able to relate. Which I SO can. I know very well how it feels to be last. By the time we became parents my YOUNGER sister had 2 kids. My sister-in-law got pregnant (oops) right before my husband and I found out we would most likely never have biological children. Just about all of my friends experienced parenthood before me. I went to SO many baby showers and cried (tears of joy for my friends/ tears of grief for myself)...
What you're feeling is natural. It is so hard!
However, there is some good news.
Good things come to those who wait.
AND, some say they save the BEST for last! When you hold your sweet girl in your arms, this will all melt away. I PROMISE you, she will be worth the wait and then some.
Hope you are feeling more hopeful and can embrace this Christmas and be reminded that you have a loving Savior who has promised you HOPE and a future!

Journeywoman said...

I'm feeling that too. With some of the biggest IF bloggers I read getting pg with their second kid I'm hurting just that way too. It has nothing to do with them it has everything to do with empty arms.

I too have become bitter in my faith. My empty arms are aching too.

You're not alone.

One thing that helped me the last few days has been a Meat Loaf song (no laughing please.) Go to iTunes and download the song, Alive.

The darkest night ain't black enough
To keep the morning light from shinin'
The highest wall ain't tall enough
To keep the smallest man from climbin'

I'm a runaway train on broken track
I'm a ticker on a bomb, you can't turn back this time
That's right
I got away with it all and I'm still alive
Let the end of the world come tumbling down
I'll be the last man standing on the ground
And if my saddle is all that survives
I'm still alive
I'm still alive...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the only way over is through...I'm walking with you.

Kayce said...

I know what you're feeling Michele. Hang in there.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

When we were struggling to build our family I had establish the difference between jealousy and envy.

To me jealousy is when you want what they have INSTEAD of them having it. Envy is when you want it TOO.

I think it is normal to envy those that have a baby. You long for a baby and it is only normal for you to want to join your friends in mommy hood.

I assure you that once you meet Sophie all of this will make sense. You will feel very confident that she was WORTH the wait.

Sarah said...

Hi from a lurker, I'm so sorry you had a bad day. The wait has got to be pure torture and I can't even imagine what kind of h*ll that must feel like. I realize that international adoption is what made sense to you in the past, but maybe things have changed. Can you do a concurrent domestic adoption? That way you guys can be parents sooner and still wait for your Chinese daughter. If it's just a bad day there's no need to reevaluate, but if you feel this way for longer it may be time to look at other options, who knows?
Good luck,

Kylie's momma said...

Hey Michelle, NEVER feel bad about how you feel. I totally understand and tho' I can't have children of my own I still get "jealous" of those who can. I know I have my child and you're still waiting but I still have moments of the same feelings as you're having now. Some days are just worse then others!!! So blame it on the post vacation blues, hormones or like I say JUST BECAUSE DarnIt! Know you're NOT alone and others feel this way too.

M3 said...

Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry. And don't feel bad about being sad -- it doesn't mean you wish away your friends' happiness, just that you want some for yourself. SO NORMAL.

Joannah said...

Michelle, on some level I can relate. I was the last to marry of all my long-term friends. I felt like life was passing me by for so long. The person I was sure I was meant to be with just couldn't see what I saw for our future. It was heartbreaking for me. Then, I decide to adopt on my own, and I get into the slowest "line". I just felt so stuck for so long. As you know, I have a happy ending - at least I'm now married to the person I knew I was meant to be with, but I'm still waiting to become a mother. I don't know how long I'll have to wait again. When I feel hurt and frustrated, I just try to remind myself not to compare my journey to others. I'm unique. My journey is unique. And I believe for me and for you that all things will work together for good. We will complete our families with children one day. Keep the faith. You're not alone.

KHM said...

Ah Michelle -

Does it help to know you will be WAY younger than my Joe and I when you have your family started? It is such a long wait, but eventually it gets done and you get your little one and the world settles down a bit.

I could not BELIEVE the wait went from 7 months to (what 28 months maybe? who knows, not done yet) on us.

But looking back I realize we needed some healing and preparing time. So I am trying to believe the timing will be right when this finally happens.

I just put this on my blog:

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perserverance we wait eagerly for it. (Rom 8:25)

I could not resist posting that one- it was too perfect for this situation!

That thought about concurrent is something for you to consider!