I had a bad day. Some days are like that. I woke up in a funk. I cried on the way to work listening to Christmas music. I love Christmas. But it makes me sad. Why is that? I screwed up at work. A couple of times. It's no big deal, but it didn't help my state of mind. I cried again on the phone with Joe at lunch. I'm feeling pretty emotional today. Maybe it's the post vacation blues. There is something else that is bothering me. I have gone back and forth on whether I should post about it or not. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings, and if you haven't been through the pain of infertility you just won't get it. Oh well. Here goes anyway. Before we started the adoption, and right before we decided not to go any further with infertility treatments, I joined an infertility support group. I have mentioned it before. Through that group I met four wonderful women who have become my friends. We try to meet at least every couple of months to catch up. Out of the four of us, two became pregnant. I could not be happier for them. That left two of us still trying to start a family. While we chose adoption, the other girl pursued IFV. Many, many times, all with heartbreaking results. She and her husband talked about adoption, but nothing was concrete. Over the weekend I received an e-mail from her. In her e-mail was a picture of her beautiful newborn son that they had adopted domestically. I am so happy for her and her husband. I truly am. They went through so much and I am so glad to see them happy. But at the same time I am sad. Out of the five original girls that were in the group, only one of them does not have their baby at home with them. Guess which one. That would be me. It is so disheartening. We started our adoption process a year and a half before they did. And we are nowhere near having our baby home. Nowhere near. I thought giving up on the infertility treatments and pursuing adoption was the plan God had for us. I really did. And now I'm not so sure. I have so many doubts. Not only can I not get pregnant, I can't even choose an adoption plan where I have my child home in less than three years. Somehow I feel like a failure. I didn't want to be the last one standing. Although I wouldn't have wished it on anyone else, I didn't want it to be me. Why am I always last? Why do we have to wait so long? Will this ever really happen? So many questions, and no answers. I feel so guilty for even thinking this way. I am happy for each and every one of my friends that have been able to start their families. Is it possible to be happy for someone and still be sad for yourself? I hope so. Because I am sad. Very sad. I'm going to take a bubble bath and climb into bed. It's hard to feel sad when you are asleep, right?
P.S. T-I know you read this occasionally. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I am so, so happy for you. He is so beautiful and I can't wait to meet him. I know if anyone can understand how I'm feeling, you can.