Friday, July 31, 2009

Don't Let Me Go

I finished packing up the nursery.

It's done.



And just in case you have a very good memory and remember me talking about doing it
months ago, why yes, I did wait three or four months to finish it. I started it
a long time ago.

Then I didn't finish.

It's called procrastination.

And I am good at it.

So anyway, we have about 8 days until we move so I figured I'd better get on it.

It wasn't easy. I was thinking that I could just go in there and throw
everything into boxes and that would be it.

Of course it wasn't so simple. I started by taking everything down off of the
walls and toy shelves and out of the dresser and laid it on the floor in a pile.
My plan was to sort it into categories. Toys, clothes, décor, shoes, and then
place each items into their respective boxes and pack them up.

I started with the clothes. We have So. Many. Clothes. Cute little girls clothes. Most with the tags still on them, in a variety of sizes. Ninety nine percent of them were received as gifts.

I picked up each item of clothing. The memories of when and who I received it from came flooding back. I had some awesome secret buddies in the beginning of our journey, and also have received some cute things from friends and family.

Pretty quickly me packing up the clothes turned into me sitting on the floor crying. For a long time. But eventually I got back to the packing.

After the clothes were packed away I started packing up the toys. We have some fun toddler's toys. The hardest part for me was the dolls. I came very close to putting those brand new dolls in the "to give away" box. They are still in their boxes, and they are bulky and take up a lot of room to store. I thought to myself "Surely there is another little girl out there somewhere who would enjoy playing with these dolls?" It seems such a waste for them to sit in their boxes collecting dust". But I couldn't bring myself to do it. So into several boxes the dolls went, marked as "baby things: storage".

Lastly I began to take down the decorations. This was the hardest part for me. Joe and I lovingly decorated this nursery almost a year ago. We never in a million years thought that we would have to move to a smaller place and un-decorate it.

The whole process left me feeling sad. Extremely sad. I wish we had never decorated the nursery. I wish we didn't have a crib. And a changing table. And so many baby clothes and toys.

In fact, sometimes I wish we could let this adoption go so that I could have some closure.

There. I said it.

I'm tired of waiting and I'm tired of not knowing when (or IF) we will get our child.

I am tired.

I feel extreme guilt even typing those sentences. I feel vulnerable too. People can be very judgemental and mean. There are those who would say "You shouldn't 't be pursuing this adoption if you are willing to give it up. You should be willing to walk though fire to get to your child".

(FYI: I no longer allow anonymous comments here, so mean judgemental people BUG OFF)

I used to be willing to fight for it. I used to feel like there was no obstacle that could stand between me and my child.

But the years go by. Holidays come and go. Friends have two and three children.

And still no baby for us.

It doesn't get easier as the months go by. It gets harder. I don't feel like we are getting closer to our child. It feels like with each passing month we are getting farther away.

As I packed up those boxes I could feel myself slowly letting go. Bit by bit. Until there was just a tiny, thin thread to hang onto.

I don't know when I will be unpacking those boxes and (re)decorating the nursery again. Our new lease is for one year so it will be at least that.

I have been finding myself crying a lot lately. Mostly in the car. Music sometimes does that to me. Certain songs can set me off. But also because that is one of the few times I find myself alone. So if you live in the Orange County area and you see a blond girl in a white SUV bawling their eyes out at a red light, don't be alarmed. It's just me :)

The other day I was driving home from work and they played the new song from "The Fray".

It's called "Never Say Never" and the lyrics go like this:

Never Say Never-The Fray

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while
You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

Picture you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
Steady your hand

You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time, time and time again
Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

This song took my breath away. Literally stopped me in my tracks. So much so that I didn't see the light turn green and the person behind me honked at me until I moved forward.

I felt like that song was playing for me.

(Stupid. I know. It was on the radio. Playing for everyone.)

And as I sat in my car, driving down the road crying I realized I am not quite ready to let go.

Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. It has been hard from the minute we started filling out the paperwork.

I will have days when I feel like giving up. But I have never been a quitter and I don't intend to start now.

We will ride this out. We will pack up our baby's things into boxes and store them in our closet at our new, smaller apartment until my husband finds a job and we can unpack them and decorate again.

Until our child comes home.

We will wait.

I know that there will be more "bad" days where I want to give up. I think that's normal. I have seen many friends along this journey make the decision to pull out of the China program and while I completely and totally understand their decision, I am not quite there yet. I might eventually get there, if the wait continues to stretch out to longer and longer times.

But I'm not there yet.

So for now we will wait.

I wanted to put the song on my blog but it isn't available yet.

You can listen to it and watch the video here

It's a beautiful song. You might need Kleenex. Or maybe that's just me :)

If you want to see what the nursery looked like last year when we decorated it, go here.

I also have pictures of the boxes that are sitting on the nursery floor with all of these items in them but I don't have the heart to post them now.


Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

BIG HUGS... only YOU know what is best for you and your family...
Try and keep the faith..

Journeywoman said...

This wait just sucks. I wish we weren't separated by a continent so we could see you guys more often.

One of my friends said "don't be bitter." and I screamed at her.

HUGS. Call me if you need to.

g said...

Oh, Michelle, your post made me sad. I feel your pain and I feel so bad for you and Joe. I hope you get to unpack those boxes sooner than you think.


3D said...

My heart aches for you...hugs.

This is so so hard and you have stuff compounding things. You and your hubs are the one who will decide and there is no rush. Take the time and do what you have to. No one can know or judge you. It is your life and you are living it.

I hope and pray that this a hard time that is soon followed with much better times.

I hope you find some peace and that the tears flow less.

Keep smilin!

Jenna said...

Oh Michelle!!!
I can't imagine how hard it was to take down the nursery.. I can't even begin to imagine how many tears were cried. My heart goes out to you...
I hope once you are moved you will start feeling better.. I hope that it will be a new start and things will look better.
I know it will be hard knowing that you daughters things are packed up, but I really hope that not seeing that constant reminder might help the time go by faster.. I don't know if it will but I hope...
I just want things to get better for you soon.

Carrie said...

I am so sorry-it was so hard for me to pack up MJ's things also- I may not feel the same way but it was the hardest thing for me to do and I have all the stuff put away and I wish to go and take it all out and just cry over it but I don't! Waiting is so hard! I am in the same boat with Anna Graces adoption waiting on LOA is killing me each day inside I think it will never come like they will say no to us! I don't know why I feel this way-even the agency says it will all be ok- I guess I am just scared! Scared of losing another daughter! I know your scared too! I hope we can pray for one another and be there for each other I know I could really use a lot of friends just praying for us right now! You too?

Rhonda said...

I get it, believe me I do. I'm so sorry that you had to take the nursery apart. It's ok to have these negative thoughts and to have times of 'weakness' (or whatever you want to call it), the wait is horrible. Absolutely, gut-wrenchingly horrible.

Just know that there are people in the same boat as you...and thinking of you.

Briana's Mom said...

Your post is just so heartbreaking. I read it and I feel so sad for you. I can relate so much because I felt exactly how you do now just a few years ago. The wait is so excruciating, so trying and just plain unfair. (((Hugs)))

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

I do a lot of grieving in the car. I am so sorry you are facing this.


Anonymous said...

Trust me wanting to quit doesn't mean you love Sophie any less. This process is exhausting and whether people admit it or not we have all had those thoughts.

Dawn said...

I just found your blog through another ( all things new) and just want to say, you have every right to feel this way. When we all started this journey we were told 6-9 months and look, 3 years later. Our little one is home, we switched programs, some said we jumped the queue. Stuff happens for a reason, you will get to her and she will wait. I'm so sorry that this is such a horrid tome for you.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I honestly think that if you keep your options open you WILL be a mommy. YOU and Joe will know what option is right for you. I honestly think it will just feel right.

Your feel right option may well be waiting for China to match you. Or you may start to feel a draw towards another adoption options.

Whatever the option I can assure you that your daughter ( or son)will be worth the wait.

DeAnn said...

Well Im your friend and I have no kids right? but I do know what you mean about all your friends moving on.. etc..So dont feel bad. Things do happen for a reason.. we have to keep believing. my situation is different.. at least you have an amazing husband that loves you and you WILL get your baby. Its just a matter of time girl.. you know this.. it WILL happen!

love you!

Doreen said...

your time will come. I'm so sorry you guys are having such a difficult time right now.

Doreen in Montreal single mom to Faith-Jiangxi & Mia-Sichuan

Debz said...

Michelle, I have had so many days like this, please know I totally understand where you are. It can be so hard and so contradictrary(sp) by times trying to sort out our feelings by the minute.
Sending big hugs your way....really really big ones.
Love Debz

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