Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Patience

On Sunday we went to a Fourth of July block party.  It was at a friend's house.  This is the second year in a row that we have spent there and we had a great time.

At the same time it can be a little sad.

There were kids.  Tons and tons of kids. Adorable kids. Riding bikes, having water balloon tosses, eating cupcakes.  Doing, you know, kid stuff.

I swear we were the only people there without kids. O.K., that's highly unlikely, but it felt that way.

Lately I have been feeling like maybe we could be o.k. if we didn't have kids.  I mean, we've made it 21 and a half years together (yikes!!) without them, right?  At times I convince myself that we don't need to have kids, but if the adoption eventually pans out then that would be great too.

Then we go to a block party on Fourth of July and  that we-don't-have-to-have-kids mentality comes to a screeching halt.

There's something that we have gotten into the habit of doing whenever we are around a bunch of kids.

We scope out the most adorable children, usually about 1 or 2 years old and we nudge each other and say "Look at that one.  Isn't he(or she) cute?"  Then we smile sadly at each other and usually Joe reaches for my hand and we sigh.  We will do this many times throughout an event.

Yesterday after doing it to an especially beautiful little girl I turned to Joe and said "Do you think we will ever stop doing that?"  He  smiled and said "Yes.  After we have our daughter". (His absolute faith that this is going to happen one day astounds me at times).

I was leafing through a magazine the yesterday and I saw this quote:

Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.  
                                                                            -Joseph Addison

It really struck a chord with me.  As soon as I read it I thought to myself "Please let this be true".  We have gotten pretty good at being patient, I think.  About a lot of things.  I believe that we are learning and growing with each pain, loss, and disappointment.  I believe we will come through each of those better people, who are more adept at handling conflict and hard times.  I just hope in terms of this adoption our patience pays off in the end.

I didn't mean for this post to be a downer.  It's just that most of the time I am protecting my heart by telling myself I will be o.k if it doesn't happen, but then an event like a block party makes me realize that maybe I'm  fooling myself.

Lest you think that all we do at parties is feel sad, here's something else we do.

Often after pointing out a particularly beautiful child to one another, Joe will say
"Look at that one. She's cute"
Me: "Yes, she is stunning"
Joe:  "You distract the Mom and I'll grab her and run".
Me: "Yes, she's the perfect age. She'll barely remember her parents after 6 months or so"
Joe: "O.K., you go get the car"

And then we laugh.

We're joking people. Really. Don't alert the authorities.  :)

5 comments:

Cora said...

seriously, that could be my husband and I. As we were running around the mosquito infested park last night with our niece and nephews, I could not help be a little sad and guilty for not just being happy that I already have so much.

Journeywoman said...

I swear lady, you need to move east so we can hang out more.

D and I had just this conversation this weekend. Do we want to go forward? Could we be okay without kids and the answer was...no.

HUGS. I am so sorry you're going through such a bad time.

I like the quote though.

Julie said...

You are a strong woman and you and Joe will be wonderful parents. I understand you wanting to protect you heart, but I choose to believe it will happen for you!

Snowflowers Mum said...

I cannot believe how long this wait is..screw being PC, it sucks, it stinks, it blows.

sigh.

KHM said...

FWITW I think I waited about 12 years for JJ. Long story there, but it's a fact. She was worth it, and we appreciate every day with her - mostly anyway.