Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I saw a new primary care doctor today and I really like her.  She was kind and compassionate and she really listened when I talked.  Overall I am very pleased.

During the course of the visit we got to talking about healthy lifestyles and how important it is to eat right, exercise and manage stress.  I hung my head a little bit because I'm not doing any of those things.

I have really let my health go over the last 4 or 5 months.

When the doctor told me I needed to get at least 10,000 steps in per day I laughed out loud. When I worked with kids I got that in easily.  Most days I went over.   I have a very sedentary job now.  I sit at a desk all day.  This time last year I was walking every day, up to 5 miles a day. Then I hurt my back.  It has only just stopped hurting, after almost 7 months.  I have not gotten back on the exercise train.

I am extremely inactive.  I have not been exercising at all.  When I get home from work all I do is sit on the couch and watch t.v. or surf the internet. (We do go on our occasional bike rides but Joe's bike is on the fritz right now and I won't ride alone).

We have not been eating right.  When your budget is extremely limited it is so much easier to eat crap.  Why does food that has little nutritional value cost so much less than healthy, fresh food? I used to eat fruit every day.  Now I'm lucky to get in one or two pieces a week.  How awful is that?

To be perfectly honest the stress of the last year has been weighing me down, both literally and figuratively.  I am up 12 pounds in the last 10 months.  That is a little more than one pound per month!

Just typing that makes me want to cry.  I am far past that number that I had in my head that I swore I would never let myself go past.  This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life, aside from the 7 month course of Prednisone I was on 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with the kidney disease.  I gained 20 pounds then in that 7 months but lost it very quickly as soon as I went off of it.

I am so disgusted with myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I don't allow pictures to be taken of me, unless they are from the waist up or I am positioned behind someone else.  I am trying to squeeze into the pants I own, even though I know I should go a size up to be comfortable.

So when the doctor tells me I really need to get at least an hour a day of exercise in, I just smile and nod.
And come home and sit on the couch.

About now you are probably thinking "Well why don't you do something about it?"

That's a good question.

We have just been under so much stress.  It weighs heavily on my shoulders so that all I want to do by the time I get home is lay on the couch.  Which I do.  And then I feel bad about it.  And I beat myself up.  I tell myself I will do something about it tomorrow.

And then the next day all of those stressors are still there and I feel overwhelmed and want to come home and sit on the couch.

Repeat.  It's a vicious cycle.

I wish I could tell you that I am going to do something about it soon but I really can't.  What I need is some of this stress to resolve itself.  I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it.  I'm just so tired.

I can't seem to get motivated, no matter how much I want (or need to).


P.S. I had to get a Tetanus shot today too and while it didn't hurt at all when they administered it, my arm hurts like heck now.  Owww!


dawn said...

Many years ago my hubby lost his job and was jobless for what seemed like forever. During that time we had no life at all and we hid behind anything that we could that would just numb our minds and make us forget. He played Game Boy and I used to spend ours cleaning the house and tidying our yard.
When life is right again for you, which will hopefully be very soon, you will have all your energy and aspirations back again.
Don't feel guilty because it is a coping mechanism and for now it is right.
Doctors have a job to do and they have to tell you this cos otherwise they would be crappy Dr.'s.

mam said...

I know, friend. Re: exercise changes, every day you don't do it hurts, I know, but the good news is that day ends. Always does. And then you have another day to try again, and another. It's never a lost cause or a done deal. I say this from my 7th day in a row without getting exercise, which us really bad for me...but I plan to try again tomorrow. Try not to beat yourself up. You don't deserve that.

Adoption & Fire said...

It's so hard to get out of the rut. While everyone's problems can be different, I think many of us can relate. I am in a similar boat of not eating right, finding the time to exercise, trying to alleviate stress...the list can go on and on. It's so hard but I am slowly trying to get out of this hole that I have dug. (((Hugs))


theSpacemom said...

I hear you. I really do. What I found was to slowly work my self up to it.
Slow little fixes. Walking to the bathroom around the hallway instead of the closest one. Grabbing a salad one day instead of something else.

I think the biggest problem we all have is that once we miss one day of eating well or exercising (I haven't exercised today and I was supposed to) we jump off the wagon in despair.

Hang in there, do what is right for you and make small changes. Slow slow slow.

I've been there. I've done that. You can move forward..

Cora said...

Well I can't say to much as I sit here with a giant box of chocolates that I am eating by myself.
I hope you are able to have some stress lifted soon you deserve it. Glad you like your doctor it is hard to find one you click with.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you feel unmotivated. I feel the same when things weigh heavily on me. I tend to sit and veg when I really should not. I wish there was some magic word I could tell you to help motivate you. Unfortunately there is not. I have struggled with weight all my life and although I have yet to beat the beast. Even after WLS, I can tell you sometimes it is easier to NOT think about it.

I agree with the $ thing too. It is so hard to eat healthy when you have a budget. I cannot wait for the farmers markets to open because they tend to cost less for the fruits and veggies around here. I am trying hard to get the right food in the house. I would love to eat only organic too but it costs to much money. Hell the gas money lately has eaten away at my food budget!

Thinking of you as always and wishing that you have positive thoughts! Sending you lots of HUGS!

Andrea said...

Im with ya, Sister!
i stepped on the scales a few days ago and I SWEAR they screamed.
If you want someone to walk with(accountability, i mean) I'll be glad to do it with you.
I'll even take pictures. :)