(Un)Motivated

I saw a new primary care doctor today and I really like her.  She was kind and compassionate and she really listened when I talked.  Overall I am very pleased.

During the course of the visit we got to talking about healthy lifestyles and how important it is to eat right, exercise and manage stress.  I hung my head a little bit because I'm not doing any of those things.

I have really let my health go over the last 4 or 5 months.

When the doctor told me I needed to get at least 10,000 steps in per day I laughed out loud. When I worked with kids I got that in easily.  Most days I went over.   I have a very sedentary job now.  I sit at a desk all day.  This time last year I was walking every day, up to 5 miles a day. Then I hurt my back.  It has only just stopped hurting, after almost 7 months.  I have not gotten back on the exercise train.

I am extremely inactive.  I have not been exercising at all.  When I get home from work all I do is sit on the couch and watch t.v. or surf the internet. (We do go on our occasional bike rides but Joe's bike is on the fritz right now and I won't ride alone).

We have not been eating right.  When your budget is extremely limited it is so much easier to eat crap.  Why does food that has little nutritional value cost so much less than healthy, fresh food? I used to eat fruit every day.  Now I'm lucky to get in one or two pieces a week.  How awful is that?

To be perfectly honest the stress of the last year has been weighing me down, both literally and figuratively.  I am up 12 pounds in the last 10 months.  That is a little more than one pound per month!

Just typing that makes me want to cry.  I am far past that number that I had in my head that I swore I would never let myself go past.  This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life, aside from the 7 month course of Prednisone I was on 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with the kidney disease.  I gained 20 pounds then in that 7 months but lost it very quickly as soon as I went off of it.

I am so disgusted with myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I don't allow pictures to be taken of me, unless they are from the waist up or I am positioned behind someone else.  I am trying to squeeze into the pants I own, even though I know I should go a size up to be comfortable.

So when the doctor tells me I really need to get at least an hour a day of exercise in, I just smile and nod.

And come home and sit on the couch.

About now you are probably thinking "Well why don't you do something about it?"

That's a good question.

We have just been under so much stress.  It weighs heavily on my shoulders so that all I want to do by the time I get home is lay on the couch.  Which I do.  And then I feel bad about it.  And I beat myself up.  I tell myself I will do something about it tomorrow.

And then the next day all of those stressors are still there and I feel overwhelmed and want to come home and sit on the couch.

Repeat.  It's a vicious cycle.

I wish I could tell you that I am going to do something about it soon but I really can't.  What I need is some of this stress to resolve itself.  I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it.  I'm just so tired.

I can't seem to get motivated, no matter how much I want (or need to).

Sigh.

P.S. I had to get a Tetanus shot today too and while it didn't hurt at all when they administered it, my arm hurts like heck now.  Owww!