A lot of heartache.
So. Much. Heartache.
I've been pushed to the breaking point mentally due to depression and crappy circumstance.
Slowly, slowly I pulled myself out of that. For the first time in my life I started putting ME first, even if it hurt other people(including my husband).
I worked my ass off. I learned to take care of myself, without depending on another person for my well being and happiness.
As a result, I have a good job(that I fought for). Is it annoying and difficult at times? Yes. (Aren't most jobs?)
I have a wonderful family who is in good health.
I have loyal friends. Friends who are supportive. Who truly care how I am. Some in-real-life and some virtual. I have had virtual friends who have reached out to me with a kind word, a virtual hug, and even gift cards to help me through difficult times in my life. (You know who you are. Thank you. A million times over, thank you). At times my virtual friends have been more supportive than my in-real-life friends.
I have a marriage that has stood the test of time(21 years in Feb), as imperfect as it is, with a man who still makes me laugh every day.
I guess what I'm saying is, for the first time in a very long time life is good for me.
So very good.
And I am enjoying it so much.
For the first time in my life I feel lucky. Blessed.
There were times when I thought I would never feel this way. (Ever). Happiness was for other people.
Not for me.
I'm so happy to finally be happy. Truly grateful.
I used to hate people like me. People who spewed happiness wherever they went. People who always looked at the positive instead of talking about the negative(like, ever). I have always been a glass half empty kind of girl and I've always laid it all out there. The good, the bad and the ugly. (There has been a lot of bad and ugly over the years).
I've always been very open about the hard times. About the depression. Sometimes too much so. I'm not going to defend those times when I was focused on the negative, or apologize for them.
Because you know what? When you are going through *extremely* tough times, that last for years, it is very very difficult to focus on the positive. When every month things get worse instead of better and you lose everything you have it's hard to even see the positive in your life. And it's even hard to read or hear about others who are insanely happy(or only put that part of their life out there).
I guess what I'm saying is that I get that. I truly get it.
I hope my happiness isn't making others feel isolated and sad. I'll never, ever forget those times. They made me who I am today.
I'm hoping that anyone stuck in those hard times can catch a break. I hope you have supportive friends to lift you up when life is kicking you so hard you can't breathe.
I hope things get easier for you soon.
Because we all deserve a little happiness.