I have been up all night for the last two nights. Plagued by worry and anxiety. This adoption ride has been such a roller coaster. The ups and downs that at times have me feeling like I am going crazy.
Every time I think we have something worked out and we have nothing to worry about, something else pops up and the fear and anxiety start anew.
I have been e-mailing my home study agency over the last four days, trying to figure out what we need to get this paperwork renewal nightmare on the road.
Last night I received an e-mail from them that made my blood run cold. I had asked them a specific question relating to the new paperwork we have to fill out and the new requirements that this paperwork includes.
Up until this point we were told that we would be "grandfathered" in under the old requirements that China had set forth for adoptive parents prior to May, 2007.
The e-mail I received yesterday basically stated that because we let our paperwork expire(the I600A) and now have to fill out the new form(I800A), there is no guarantee that we will still be grandfathered in under the old rules.
This poses a problem for us because we do not meet the new requirements that China set forth in May of 2007.
In the e-mail our agency stated that it was "unclear" as to whether or not be could continue with this adoption. They don't know when they will know for sure, as this issue is still being discussed at the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services offices.
I have been scouring the internet all weekend, trying to find out more information but have not been able to find out anything conclusive.
Our China-only placing agency seems to think that there will be no problem.
But they are not the ones we are submitting our updated paperwork to. It is our home study agency. And they are the ones saying things are unclear.
Right now we are being advised to go ahead with the update, turn in our updated paperwork and file the new I800A and wait and see what happens. We will not receive any of the money that we spent back if it turns out we cannot go forward.
I feel strangely calm about the whole situation. Don't get me wrong. Yesterday I had a complete and total meltdown over it.
But today I feel strangely calm.
Last night I did a lot of praying. I think I need to stick with my original plan of giving it over to God. Worrying is not going to change the outcome. And it isn't good for my health.
We will do everything we have to do to see this adoption through to the end. We have been through too much and come too far to walk away. I'm not even certain how you go about doing that anyway. How do you give up hope that the dream you have been chasing for the last 7 years may not come true?
How do you let go of a child that you have named, loved, and prepared for over the course of three years?
I just don't know.
And to be honest, I'm not ready to even think about it yet.
We will stay the course. We will update our paperwork and wait and see what happens. And I will pray. Every single day that everything turns out alright and that one day we will hold Sophie in our arms.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~John 14:27~