Happy Halloween

I hope everyone has a happy halloween.  Joe and I babysat last night and today we don't have any plans other than stay in and watch a movie and eat candy.  Since we moved to the back of our apartment builiding, upstairs, we don't have any trick or treaters come by so I guess I'll have to finish off the last of the candy myself.  Sacrifices.  

Happy Halloween!

Thankful Thursday

Some days I really don't want to do these.  I don't feel thankful.  I feel sad.  I feel angry.  I feel like going into my bedroom and pulling the covers over my head and not coming out.

But then I  force myself to think of something, any thing, just one thing that I could be thankful for and I end up thinking of a few things.  So I guess that's good.

A few weeks ago I signed up for a blog swap, and the theme was "spooky".  I sent my package off to my swap partner  last week and then totally forgot about it until my package arrived yesterday.  My swap partner really hooked me up and it was such a nice surprise to come home to yesterday.  It really brightened my day.

                                               Thanks blog swap partner!  You rock!


I am thankful that people are still ordering banners from me.  I have had three more custom orders in the last week and I have been working on those in the evenings and on my day off.  It  takes my mind of of things. Plus, I really love making things  that other people will enjoy.

I am thankful for Halloween candy.  I went and bought a big bag(even though we don't get any trick or treaters at our apartment) and I have been eating it all myself.  It's one of the only things bringing me happiness right now.  I'm not saying it's a healthy way to deal with my feelings, but it's working for me for now.

I'm thankful for all of the kind words that were left on my post from Monday.  I cried for three days after writing that post(which I wrote last week).  It seemed so final after I put it out there for everyone to read.  It has been a long time coming and Joe and I have spent countless hours talking about it, both with each other and in counseling but to put it in writing made it very real to me.  I have only just begun the grieving process.

I wanted to clarify that the reason we are pulling out of China has nothing to do with the wait.  We would wait 3 more years if we had to.  It is purely financial.  We simply don't have the money required to follow through with an adoption. From China, or otherwise. I know that we could fund raise but I don't have a popular enough blog or the kind of following that kind of fundraising would require .  Plus, it feels strange(to me) asking for (and taking money) from strangers.

48 months

48 months.  Four Years.  That's how long we have waited for this adoption to go through.  When you add in the year it took us to prepare our paperwork, that puts us at 5 years total.  Just for the adoption alone. We tried to get pregnant for 5 years before that.

I always told myself that if it was in God's plan for us to have children, then we would have them.  I'm not sure how many signs we have to get before I will see that maybe it's just not meant to be.

It looks as though we aren't going to make it to the end of this adoption.

 22 months of unemployment have put us in a position where we cannot financially continue on.  Unless a miracle happens in the next 6 months, we will have come to the end of this road. All signs pointing to us living child free.  I know there are other options, other avenues that can be pursued, down the road.

I can't think about them right now.

All I can do is grieve for this.

This one hope that we have had for the last 5 years, come to an end.

Today, on the four year anniversary of being logged in with China all I have are tears for all that we have lost and for what will never be.

I had Joe turn off her light a few months ago.  I just couldn't bear to look at it.

To our Sophie:  We are so very sorry.  We fought the good fight. You will always have a place in our hearts.  We loved you so, even though we never saw your face.



The only thing we have left to do is call our adoption agency and have them pull our paperwork.
Joe wants to wait 6 more months.  I want to do it now, get it over with.  For now I am letting him have his way.  Mostly because I don't want to fight over something that is already causing us so much pain.

I don't know what we will do with the crib. Or the baby clothes. Or the toys.  For now they are in storage, where they will probably sit until I can muster up the strength to sort through them and give them away.  For anyone that gave me a gift during the course of this adoption, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I treasured each one. If you have your child at home now and you would like your gift back, I will gladly send it to you.  I would feel so much better knowing that it was being put to use and bringing a child joy than sitting in a box.

Thankful Thursday

I have just one thanks for this week, because it is a big one.

I am thankful to be alive.

Joe and I were on our way home from work on Tuesday. There was a bad storm that had been brewing all day. Thunder, lightning, and heavy rain.

He was late picking me up because of it. It was raining very heavily when he finally showed up at my work.

I gathered my things, got in the car and we were on our way.

As we got on the toll road that we take to get home, we were talking about the weather, how crazy people start driving when it rains and how we really needed to get new tires for our car.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Joe lost control of the car. We had hit a flooded area of the road. We swerved across three lanes of highway, fishtailing and zig zagging. The front of our car hit the cement center divider, hard. The car zig zagged back across the three lanes. I felt the car start to tip. It seemed we were going to roll over.

I thought we were going to die. I distinctly remember thinking that. This is how I die. The whole thing lasted probably only a couple of minutes or so, but it seemed like it lasted forever, like it was in slow motion.

The next thing I knew we were stopped on the shoulder of the road, safe.

Joe demonstrated some very defensive driving that day. He knew what to do if the car hydroplaned. He never touched the brakes. He simply steered the car, never letting it lose control completely. After we hit the divider and the flooded area was passed, he guided the car to the shoulder of the road.

We both flew out of the car on the side of the road, hugging and crying in the rain. There was not a scratch on either of us. The only damage to the car was a cracked rim on the left tire where it had hit the divider. He changed the tire on the side of the road in the pouring rain while I held an umbrella over him. We were both soaked and cold and shaken, but otherwise perfectly fine.

I am thankful God was watching over us that day, and for Joe's driving skills.


The outcome could have been so much worse.

I am grateful that it wasn't.

Happy Birthday to my Wonderful Husband

Today is my husband's birthday.

My caring, loving, funny, courageous, husband.



Happy Birthday Joe

I love you with all of my heart.

For Chloe

I finished my first custom banner a few days ago and I love how it turned out.

This one was seriously fun to make.  The colors were so bright and the Jungle theme was so whimsical.  I'm for sure going to be using these papers again.  Love them.

I really enjoyed making it. This one is going out in the mail to Cora today. Cora and her husband are adopting a beautiful little girl from China.

Thank you Cora, for the order.  I had so much fun making it

Miss you Mom

14 years ago you left us.  I still think about you.  I still miss you. You are not forgotten.

Thankful Thursday

I'm not going to lie, I'm not feeling it today. Yesterday was a hard day. A lot of tears were shed. It wasn't one particular thing that had me down, just a combination of a lot of things.

Today is a new day.

--I'm thankful to have a job. If you have a job, be thankful. I don't care how much it sucks. Be thankful.

--I am thankful that people like the things I create and actually want to buy them. I sold 6 banners over the last week. I am stoked!

--I am thankful for the support from my friends on the internet. I receive more love and support from people I have never even met than people in my life who I call "friends". Thank you for that. You don't know how much it means to me. Well I guess now you do. :)

I Wish

I wish.........

I knew how much longer Joe will be unemployed.

I lived closer to my sister.

I could pick up the phone and call my Mom.

I could  find the motivation to walk again.

My extraction site didn't still hurt.

We could afford to go out to dinner for Joe's birthday on Sunday(or that I could afford to get him a present).

I didn't have to spend the money I won on the radio on a new set of tires.

We could take the job Joe was offered  in another city and just pack up and move away.  They couldn't offer him enough hours per week to warrant us doing so.

The weather would cool down again.

I  could go to sleep right now.  Insomnia sucks.

What are you wishing for?

Banners for Sale

**************Update:  All of these have sold except one "Blessed" one, plus I have a couple of custom orders.  Thank you so much to everyone who ordered!  I truly appreciate it.***********

I have been making some banners to give out as gifts and ended up making a few extra so I thought it if anyone was interested I would try and sell them.  

If there isn't any interest then that's fine, I'll just hang on to them for next year 

and give them out as gifts then

I have a Halloween one that says "Boo".

This one is $10.00.  I'll cover the shipping.

I have a couple of Thanksgiving ones as well.

"Thankful"

These are $15.00 each

                                                     Close up of letters/ribbon

I also have some that say 

"Blessed"

Also $15.00

The Halloween Banner has sold, and one of the "Thankful" ones.  I have a couple of "Blessed" ones and one more "Thankful".  A couple of people have asked about custom banners.  I can absolutely do custom ones.  Any colors/wording that you want.  Drop me an e-mail with specific requests.  chinaadopter(at)gmail(.com)

Pumpkin Patch

I love Pumpkin Patches.  I love everything about them.  We have our fair share of those pumpkin patches that you find on the corner of a shopping center parking lot.  We are also lucky to have a real working farm within 10 minutes of our house that has a wonderful, pick-from-the-vine pumpkin patch.  Tonight we headed over there in the evening, to take some pictures and wander around the pumpkins.

Inside the wheelbarrow is this sign, and we soon found out why.  Shortly after taking the above photo, I leaned too far back in the wheelbarrow(trying to get out) and it tipped over backward and I landed on my head. Joe, being the gentleman that he is, put the camera down and ran over to help me up instead of snapping a picture of it.  I kinda wish he had taken the picture.  :)

I love scarecrows

We got here too late to see them shoot off the pumpkin cannon.  Maybe next time.

Thankful Thursday

**********Got the test results back today.  It's NOT Cancer.  Hallelujah.   The only problem is, they don't know WHAT is causing it.  If the bleeding continues they will have to go in surgically and cauterize my cervix.  Ummmm.........Ouch.  Hopefully it won't come to that.  The important thing is that it isn't Cancer.  I can enjoy my weekend now.***************


What a week this has been and it's not even over yet!

Last week I had some troubling medical symptoms that had me frantically calling my doctor and  doing a lot of G**gling.  One of the main diagnoses for this type of symptom is both uterine and cervical cancer.  On Monday my doctor was able to squeeze me in for some(painful) tests.  He seemed concerned and said we can't rule anything out until we get the test results back.  I have been a huge ball of stress waiting on the results.  I was really hoping to hear something yesterday but didn't. Hopefully we will  get some news today.  I am trying not to spend too much time thinking about the what if's.  Whatever it is we will deal with it.

Then to add to the stress, one of my teeth fractured completely in half, which led to an emergency trip to the dentist.  Upon review of an x-ray it was determined that the tooth could not be saved and would have to be extracted. He gave me a referral to an Oral Surgeon and Joe and I went directly over to his office, where they extracted the tooth.  Thankfully it is a second molar, all the way in the back, so it won't be noticeable but I am still sad that it couldn't be saved.  I certainly can't afford an implant right now so I'll just have to acclimate to the tooth being gone.  The extraction itself was not too terrible.  I had them put me to sleep so I don't remember anything and I came home afterwards and slept for a long while.  The pain was pretty intense after the numbing wore off but Vicodin is helping a lot so it isn't unbearable.

I think I'm good for awhile as far as medical stuff goes.  Do you hear that universe?  I don't need anything else going wrong with my body, okay?  Thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, on to my thanks.

--I'm thankful that I have a wonderful doctor who was very proactive about my symptoms and got me in right away for the necessary tests.  No matter what the diagnosis is, I know I am in good hands.

--I am thankful the extraction went smoothly and without complication. I was very nervous about it.  I have had four surgeries and none of them gave me as much anxiety as this dental procedure.

--I am thankful for the cooler, rainy weather we have been having.  I  love the rain.  Plus, I have been spending a lot of time in bed this week and it is so cozy to be there when it is raining outside.  It's supposed to be in the high 80's again by the weekend, but I enjoyed it while it lasted.

--I am so thankful for Joe.  He takes the best care of me.  Whether it be heating up my rice pack so I could put it on my abdomen after the tests on Monday, or bringing me smoothies and pudding in bed yesterday after my extraction, he does it all willingly and without complaint and I am so lucky to have him.