Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Delayed reaction

A friend on fb asked me how i have been feeling since our referral date. I told her I was surprisingly ok, that I felt fine actually.

I have been kind of surprised by my lack of emotion over the whole thing.

I thought maybe I was just feeing numb about it. Or maybe I'm just relieved that it's passed. Perhaps I just have a better attitude about it, an "it is what it is" frame of mind(I usually despise that saying, but it seems to fit in these circumstances)

My therapist told me that I'm not done processing it. She told me I should expect to have some periods of grief that might sneak up on me when I wasn't expecting them.

I was like nope, I'm good, I think I'm going to sail through this without a problem.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Last night during dinner joe put on the Discovery channel. The blue sea, or some such program was on. They were doing a segment on whales.

It was an arial shot of a pod of grey whales, which was stunning. They truly are beautiful creatures.

Anyway, there was a momma grey whale and her baby. They are swimming along minding their own business when a pod of killer whales came swimming up.

I was like cool, killer whales, they're pretty too.

Suddenly the program started playing somewhat ominous music as the narrator explained that the killer whales were trying to get at the baby grey whale.

I turned to joe and said "nothing is going to happen to that baby whale right? Killer whales don't eat baby grey whales, right?" He is usually quite knowledgable about these things.

He replies "no, of course not. I've never heard of that, and besides they wouldn't show something like that on this program. It's family friendly."

The killer whales continued to try and separate the baby whale from it's mother and the ominous music started to get faster(think Jaws).

I was very concerned at this point. I told Joe I didn't like where this was going. I asked him to turn it off.

Suddenly one of the Killer whales comes out of the water and the next thing I know....CHOMP.. He takes a bite out of the baby whale. The water turns red with blood.

I'm pretty much freaking out at this point saying nonononono. Turnitoffturnitoffturnitoff. I'm crying now. Joe is frantically searching for the remote so he can change the channel and I'm crying and shouting that poor baby whale! I don't want to see this, TURN IT OFF!!(over dramatic much?)

Finally he found the remote and changed the channel but by that time I was so upset and crying that I couldn't stop for like fifteen minutes. I realized when I finally calmed down that I wasn't crying over a baby whale(although that is terribly sad).

It triggered something else inside of me. That's the first time I have felt that much emotion in weeks. It didn't feel good. I could do without feeling like that again anytime soon.

I can laugh about it now but last night it was very upsetting.

I don't think I am done processing this grief.

Not by a long shot.

Who knew that killer whales ate baby grey whales? I didn't. I thought all whales were friends(lol). I know, circle of life and all of that but it's still sad. Poor baby whales. :(

No more nature programs for me for awhile!

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