Saturday, March 08, 2008

I've just returned home from lunch with my Dad. My back still hurts. A lot. I'm not sure if it is a side effect from the pain, or what I had for lunch but now I'm feeling quite nauseous too. Blech. Each day that goes by that I feel rotten I feel my positive thinking slipping away. I try to so hard to keep my thoughts from straying into negative thoughts. But it's so hard for me, especially when in pain and feeling lousy.

Today when I was taking Joe to work(we're still sharing a car(don't ask-It may very well put me over the edge completely), we passed by our neighbor's apartment(the one right next to ours).

Our neighbor was standing outside on her porch. There was a blue balloon floating next to her that said "It's a Boy!".

She invited us in to see her new grandbaby. She has a new two day old baby grandson, by her daughter.

Her daughter is fifteen. I never saw her pregnant. Apparently she went to live with some relatives for the last six months of the pregnancy.

Our neighbor is a single woman in her forties, with a fifteen year old daughter and an eighteen year old son, two dogs and a cat. They live in the same floor plan we do. 1,000 square feet, two bedrooms, two bath, patio.

There was a porta crib shoved into a corner of the dining room, and the couch bed was folded out into a bed.

Looking around their cramped apartment I couldn't help wonder where they were going to put the baby when he got older. Not to mention all the stuff that a baby comes with.

As we walked out of their apartment towards the car I was overcome with a huge wave of sadness. Here we are. Late thirties. Married for fifteen years. With a room not ten feet from their kitchen window full of baby clothes and baby toys and baby stuff and an empty crib, just waiting for a baby.

A baby that we very well could wait another three years for.

I have been trying very hard to be O.K. with the wait. Especially given some of the things we have been dealing with in our marriage lately.

But I'm having a hard time getting my head around this one. I'm not judging these people, and I'm not debating the "fairness" (or unfairness) of it. Because life's not fair. I know that all too well.

I guess the question I'm struggling with the most right now is "Why not us"?

And Dude. Did they have to live right next door?

Sigh.




I've taken my conversation with Pam to private e-mail, where it probably belonged in the first place. I'm just having a bad week and finding out about the fifteen year old next door neighbor being pregnant just brought up some feelings that I thought I was over. I guess those feelings will always be a part of me and will never completely go away. Not everyone will share those feelings and that's O.K. too.

6 comments:

Pam and Jeff said...

I don't know. I really don't feel exactly the same way you do. I do not look at it as infertility. My husband and I have no kids. We know that our daughter is in China.
When I go to a baby shower or see a baby, I just don't think about it like that. I am happy for the family. I hate it when people do not talk to me about pregnancy because some people assume that we are adopting because we have to or they might make us feel bad.

Do you just want a baby or Sophie, the child for you? Just food for thought...
Love, Pam

Tracy said...

I totally understand how you feel. I couldn't stand to be around my SIL when she finally got pregnant, I wasn't happy for her, I was sad for myself. I couldn't go to church and a baby shower was out of the question.

I think you can just want a baby AND want Sophie....I don't think they are mutually exclusive. I know prior to my referral it was all kind of surreal, I knew (hopefully) we would be matched, but I couldn't fully let myself trust that we would bring our baby home until well into our China trip....if that makes sense?

I am fine now with pregnancy and babies, but it took bringing Amelia home to get there.

YOu are SO NORMAL....at least if you are abnormal then so was I...LOL.

Lisa said...

Michelle,

I totally understand what you mean. I got PG with my boys w/o any problem. When we tried to have a third it was a no go. We tried for over a year. I do know that My Diana like your Sophie is in China and that eventually we will get to see their faces. Sometimes this wait can really get us down. Know there are many out there who understand what you are feeling and will support you....including me =)! Us country girls need to stick together.

PS Check out my blog. I tagged you.

Pam and Jeff said...

Michelle-
Sure, we tried to get pregnant. Looking back, we know the timing would have been horrible. It would not have been fair to bring a child into our house at that time. We were trying to fill a void instead of facing our own issues.

Several years later, I saw a friend of mine who wanted a baby so bad(infertility) who got pregnant and died from a placenta emboli. Her baby did not survive either. It just made me realize sometimes things do not happen for a reason.

Meanwhile, we are more stable and really have grown. Little seeds were planted along the way in our lives to pursue a China adoption. I feel that this is exactly where we should be.

I have to agree with you the wait can be hard at times but it is what you make it. I try to keep as busy as possible. I am making a quilt, taking Chinese classes, working in a preschool Sunday school classes, etc. I do not want to totally live in the past or the future. I want to enjoy each day of this wait. This wait will make finding Sophie even more bitter sweet. If you want to talk more, feel free to email me. :)

Love, Pam

Mike & Tara said...

You can feel how ever you want and don't it hold back. It is much worse to keep those feelings hidden inside. I've had many bad weeks in the past too and at some point or pointS in time you just have to let it out. What Chinese adoptive families are going through right now is super tough. Everyone handles it differently and that is OK. Sophie is coming...no matter how tangled that red thread may get :)

Chinamama4 said...

Michelle, visiting here via Lisa...
I am currently LID 8.14.06 for our fourth daughter from China. And I can tell you that the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. Situations will arise (like your neighbor's grandson) that you will struggle with. But that will NEVER take anything away from your love for your Sophie. You have reached a point where you want to be a mother more than you just want to be pregnant, and of course, Sophie will NOT be a consolation prize - she will be your daughter, your life, your world. But that does not take away from the sadness you will feel from time to time about not experiencing pregnancy or about how long and difficult this journey had to be. I can tell you that over time those feelings will subside... Sorry to go on so long, but I just wanted you to know that I know where you are and that it's really OK...