Friday, May 27, 2011

I can’t remember what it is like for my husband to have a job.

I can’t remember how it felt for him to leave me asleep in my bed, giving me a kiss before he left for the day.

I can’t remember coming home after work and making dinner, waiting for the sound of his car in the carport. 

I can’t remember not having to worry constantly about money.  I can’t remember having a sense of security.
I can’t remember the last time we could make ends meet.
I can’t remember going out to eat and to the movies like it was nothing. I can’t remember when our last vacation was.

I can’t remember ever feeling this stressed out all the time.

I can’t remember ever praying for something so much and having nothing change.

I can’t remember when I didn’t feel resentment towards him.  I can’t remember when we didn’t fight about his unemployment.

I can’t remember how it felt to sit in his classroom during a night class watching him teach.  I can’t remember coming out from our bedroom  in the middle of the night to get a drink of water, seeing him sitting on the floor at the coffee table grading papers.  I can’t remember the pride in his voice when he spoke of his students. 

I can’t remember the spark that he used to have in his eyes.  I can’t remember the last time he felt like he was worth something.

I can’t remember what it was like when my husband had a job.

That has been rolling around in my head ever since I saw a similar (much better written) post on another blog. It feels good to have it out of my head.

It doesn't look like I got that job I was hoping for.  I called twice to follow up with the person who interviewed me and they haven't returned my phone calls. 

I know that this wasn't the job for me. I know there are better things out there. I know these things. But I still feel a deep sense of rejection and a sense of sorrow that  I didn't get it.

Oh well.  C'est la vie.  

It's a three day weekend, the weather is supposed to be beautiful and I don't intend to sit around inside all day feeling sorry for myself.

Dragon Boat practice starts tomorrow.  Woo hoo!

Then if I can still stand upright after that, a hike in the canyon on Sunday.

What are your plans for Memorial Day?  Anything fun?


Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

My plans are to visit you :) We will have fun :)

DeAnn said...

Stay Strong girl. we ALL have our own personal struggles...and if anyone tells you any different they are lying.. God knows I struggle.... at least you "have" a husband that cares hehe I love you!! chin up my friend!! DeAnn

Number 6 and no more counting! said...


I admire your courage always. I love the way you put things out there. I can't think of many bloggers that I admire more than you. And, I don't say those things unless I mean them.

My hope and prayer for you is that this hell doesn't last much longer for you and Joe.

My other hope and prayer is that someday I can meet you. I would love that.

Have a good weekend.

Our long weekend was last weekend. So nothing much special planned here. the weather in Toronto is shit! LOL!

much love to you Michelle.


Michal said...

I am sorry that you guys are in such a tight place. This family is experiencing similar times, it doesn't make things any easier.
I am never sure what is worse, to be fired or to be passed over in the interview process. But it's sure hard not to take any of it personally.
For Memorial Day we had a Gymnastics show, a wizard themed picnic, a cook out and move preparations.