I did not cry at Costco

Despite having a pretty good weekend I am still feeling blue.

I called in sick yesterday.  I very rarely call in sick.  This flare up is kicking my butt.  I'm feeling better today but still very achy and so tired.
I think this flare up is feeding this depressive episode.  Or maybe it's the other way around.  Maybe they feed each other. 

Either way, I feel like crap, mentally and physically.

I had to go to costco tonight to pick up my prescriptions. Costco is, of course, in the location where I used to live. I really need to switch all of my day to day "stuff" like prescriptions nearer to where I live now.

But I haven't done that yet.  So I  went to costco.  In the town where I used to live.

As soon as I pulled into the parking lot I was engulfed in home sickness again.  Coupled with not feeling well I could feel my emotions coming up to the surface.  I almost just left and went home.  I was totally out of medication though, so I couldn't, so I went inside and went to the pharmacy to fill my medications. 

It was the sight of the pharmacist that almost did me in.  I love the pharmacy staff at my costco.
Joe and I have been going there for years.  They are so friendly.  They know my name. They know joe's name.  If one of us comes in without the other, they always ask about the other.  Like today "how's joe doing?"  I fought the urge to tell him we weren't living together and it was sad.  I am a classic over sharer.  But I didn't do that.  Lucky them.  :)

One of them even knows where I work, and when she calls there to verify a prescription she knows my voice on the phone. 

Now that's customer service.

I'm  so sad to have to go somewhere else.  I'm sure the people at my new costco will be friendly too.

But it won't be the same.

As I pulled out of the parking lot with my prescriptions I felt so sad knowing that I probably would not be going back there.

I did not cry at costco today.

I will consider that an improvement.

I did not cry.  I did, however, write a nice long note to the manager letting them know what a fantastic pharmacy staff they have. I hope they get it.

Better

This weekend has been better than I thought it would be. I am feeling a little bit better. Mentally. Physically

I am feeling crappy. Full blown flare up in progress today. Sore throat, headache, exhaustion. I slept pretty late this morning. I got a short nap in too. When I am having a flare up I can't get enough sleep. It doesn't help that I just couldn't get to sleep last night. I think it was after 11:00 before I was finally able to fall asleep.

 

My worry over my bald tires has been put to rest as well. Turns out my dad has a good tire guy too and he graciously put the remaining two tires on for me. I am so blessed to have him.

 

Last weekend it was so hot where I live. I think it was close to 90 degrees. That's pretty hot for us, given that I live 1.3 miles from the beach. That pretty much makes the longer drive worth it.

 

Joe and I headed to the beach to take in the beautiful weather and sunset.

 

It was stunning!

 

 

 

One. point. three. miles. From this:

Talk about being blessed1

 

We roasted some hotdogs and enjoyed a fire.

 

 

It was a perfect night.

 

Not a lot got accomplished this weekend, other than resting. That's fine by me because I am hoping it will help this flare up to pass quickly so i can feel better for the upcoming work week.

 

 

P.S. My brother gave me this yellow watermelon to take home. Have you ever seen one of these? I am so fascinated by them. They taste pretty much the same as the red ones, except they are sweeter.

I'm just wondering where you can buy them because i have never seen one in our grocery stores before.

Overall a very good weekend.

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Grief

I'm headed into a rough patch of depression.  I can feel it coming on.  As one popular blogger put it "things are starting to get fuzzy around the edges".

I cried a lot today.  I had to go to an appointment near where I used to live and I burst into tears as soon as I got off the freeway.  I wanted to turn left and go home instead of right to go to my appt.

After my appt I drove down the street we lived on.  I stopped for a minute and cried(that makes me sound a bit unstable-oh who am I kidding.  I AM a bit unstable)

I want to go home.

But my home isn't there.

Well, it's there, but it isn't my home anymore.

Is it possible that everything that has happened over the last month is only just catching up with me? I have tried to be strong and look at the bright side but I have been having a hard time doing that this last week.

I realized tonight on the way home that I am exhibiting classic signs of grief. I never even got the chance to grieve the loss of my little girl before all of these other losses happened.

I am fine all day at work because I am busy and don't have time to think.  My drive home though is long and then I have too much time to think.  It's in those moments that the grief comes out. 

I cried all the way home from my appointment tonight.  All.  The way.  Home.  All forty five minutes of it.

I am grieving the loss of our daughter.  I am grieving the loss of my dog.  And my husband.  I am grieving the loss of the life I used to have.

I wonder lately if  I should take a little break from my blog because seriously, how
long can one complain about the same thing for weeks at a time before it gets very old. 

I want to go home    :(

I'm ready for this to get easier because right now it's harder than I ever imagined it would be.

TGIF

This week has been crappy.  Truly bad.

Some stuff at work that isn't a big deal but I overthink it and make it a big deal to me.  I hate that I do that. I wish I could stop doing that.

I haven't been feeling well.  I thought for sure I was coming down with something. Sore throat, runny nose, extra tired, but then I woke up this morning and felt better.  Those are classic symptoms of my kidney disease, which means I am probably having a flare up.  They usually last between three and  five days.  I may need to get some extra sleep this weekend.  I have also been fighting a migraine for about 5 days now and that is exhausting.  Blah.


I got a new tire for my car, only to find out I need two  more.  The guy gave me a great deal, thanks to my friend Carla, and I know he isn't fishing for a sale(or he would have told me I needed three more instead of just two), but I was only expecting to purchase one new tire, not three so I am kind of stressed out over how I am going to pay for that.  It has to be a priority though because one of them is  in just as bad shape as the one I replaced but I couldn't see it until the tire guy turned the wheel a certain way and pointed it out to me.

Sigh.

I'm still feeling homesick.  Does that make any sense to anyone? In a way it feelsl like I have been on vacation, or just visiting a friend and eventually I will go back home. To my apartment.  And my dog.  And my husband.   Even though most of my stuff is in my room at this place.  It's still not my home.  Yet.  Hopefully one day it will feel like it but it doesn't yet.

I cried about my dog(again) on the way to work.

I'm starting to sound like a broken record, I know.  I miss my home, I miss my dog, I miss my husband.  Wah.  All of this is almost too  much for me to handle.

I had a friend on facebook tell me that sometimes all you can do is just show up.

Forgive me, but that's about all I am managing to do right now.  Just show up.  Get out of bed everyday and do the best I can, even on the days(or weeks) that  I feel like it's more than I can handle.




I am so glad tomorrow is friday.  Of course I am always glad that it is Friday, but especially so this week.





Someone wrote me a very nice e-mail last week about my situtation and how they can relate and I lost it.  I want to respond but I can't for the life of me find that email.  If you are reading this, can you send me another email at scrapper(dot)michelle(at)gmail.com?  I will be phasing out the china adopter email and I really wanted to respond to what you wrote.  I wanted to thank you for the kind words too.

Adjustments

There have been quite a few things in my life that I have had to adjust to over the last few weeks.

Some of them I am having a hard time with.

I have had to adjust to how much farther I live away from my job now.  It takes me between 45 minutes to an hour and ten minutes to get home.  The traffic is either perfectly fine or it sucks.  There doesn't seem to be any in between.  Last Friday it was 106 degrees here, which we don't get very often.  That plus no air conditioning in my car plus an hour and ten minute commute equals me being miserable.  Blech. It's supposed to cool down this week.  I sure hope it does.

I miss my dog.  I know I keep saying that but I really, really do.  I know I have said in the past that she was kind of a pain, with her lack of potty training skills and her fear of people but  I loved her.  I miss her a lot.

I miss my home.   That's not to say that where I'm living isn't great, because it is.  Really great.  The girl who is renting me my room is super nice and goes out of her way to make me feel welcome.

But it's not my home.  I have lived on my own since I was 19 years old.  I have always had my own place.  This is different.  Not bad.  Just different.  It's a big change.  And we all know how much I love change. Perhaps those feelings will change after I have been here for an extended period of time.  It's only been two weeks.  For right now  I am homesick.

It's been an adjustment living alone, without my husband.  I am finding that it's no fun to cook for myself.   In fact, I haven't been doing it.  I do cook a couple of meals for myself and Joe when he visits on weekends but as for dinners for myself during the week it has been leftovers or just a turkey sandwich.  I have saved a ton of money on groceries though.  The money I save has been going right into my gas tank.  The price of gas right now is killing me.

Only seeing Joe on the weekends is..........strange.  When you have lived with someone for twenty years and saw them pretty much every day, it is an adjustment to only see them on the weekends.  For the most part I am too tired when I get home to worry too much about it but some nights I miss him a lot.  We always kissed each other good night.  Always.  Every night.  That has been an adjustment.  I only have limited minutes on my month to month cellular plan and I am out of minutes right now.  Since we aren't talking during the day(my choice), that leaves only texting as our mode of communication in the evening.  Last week Joe discovered that we could video chat on Google +, so that was nice.  Texting is only good up to a certain point.  Sometimes you just gotta talk to someone face to face.

We are still trying to sort out our weekends.  We used to spend a lot of time at home.  Most of our time actualy.  We didn't go out much.  We spent our weekends watching movies, or catching up on t.v., sometimes napping(hey there has to be one upside to not having children). It's different now, living in someone else's house.  We spend a lot of our day in my room but there is only so much time you can spend in one small bedroom. We have to start venturing out more or we are  going to get pretty bored very fast.

At home, usually one weekend day we could go to the local park for a walk or a bike ride.  Where we used to live there were a ton of parks.  There was pretty much one on every corner.  I haven't found that to be the case where I am now.  I'm sure if I feel the energy to get out and explore I will find a couple we could  go to, but I am missing the ones we had at home. There were many trees at home.  The trees here are different.  Mosyly palm trees. I miss other kinds of trees.  Shade giving trees.  Trees that have leaves that turn colors and fall off.  I haven't seen many of those kinds of trees here.

Is it weird that I miss trees?

I guess the gist of this whole post is that I am having a hard time adjusting.  Also that I am homesick. I know things will get easier.  Hopefully as time goes by I will less homesick. I hope so, because right   now I miss my home.

I have a million thoughts swirling around in my head right now.

I've spent the last two weeks trying to get used to my new "normal".

This is so strange.  I have been married for twenty years (20 years!!)

Joe and I have been together for 25 this january.

This is the longest we have been apart.  I think ever. 

We aren't seeing each other during the week.  This is my choice, and it's what I feel is best for us (me) right now.

I have been seeing him on the weekends.    I haven't been feeling a lot of the anger and resentment I was feeling when we were living together. That has been nice. For both of us I'm sure.

It has been a difficult adjustment getting used to only one income.  The bills just keep coming in and I wonder how I'm going to pay them all.  Tomorrow I am having to get a new tire for my car.  Still not sure where that money is going to come from.

It will all work out I suppose. If there is one thing I have learned through all of this, it's that worrying won't change anything. 

So I try not to do it.  I am not always successful.

I've been trying to get into yoga again.  I'm hoping it will help with some of the stress these last few weeks has brought. I love the way I feel afterwards.  Not so sure about during, but after I always feel better.

It has been hot here the last two weeks.  Hot and humid. We don't get that very often and it's icky.  I hope it cools down soon.

I really want to get back together with my husband.  I don't know when that will be, but I really want it.  I think some people in my life have forgotten that. It's so easy to take sides, or say not nice things about him.  It's hurtful to me and not helpful at all. I don't really care much how YOU feel about my husband.  The only thing that matters is how I feel. 

You know what they say....if you can't say something nice then just be quiet.

That's exactly why I haven't said anything about my in laws.  I don't have anything nice to say. They have treated me awful in the past and now is no exception. I don't know why I am surprised, but I am about some of the things they have done and said. You can't argue with people who aren't rational though,
and they aren't so I don't. Not a lot more to say about that.

I miss my dog.  A lot.

I love my job.  I really do.  My commute now is 45 minutes there and an hour home (traffic..blah).  I was thinking today that there is no way I would be able to drive that far to work if it was for a job that I didn't love.  So thankful that I do.

Told you that was a lot of thoughts swirling around.  Maybe now that they are out of my head I can sleep.

Good night.

(un) settled

I am getting settled in my new place, so in that regards I am feeling a bit more settled.

And yet I am still feeling very unsettled inside. Emotionally.  There have been so many changes in such a short period of time.  A lot of the time I feel nervous and scared.

My sister's cat is at a kennel near where I am living now.  She is staying there until we can find a solution for getting her home.  Right now the best option is to ship her there but I'm still working out the details.

I feel bad that she is in a strange place so I am visiting her after I get off work.  She is always so happy to see me and she purrs the whole time. 

Tonight while I was there I was so exhausted. It takes me about an hour to get home now.   They gave me a private exam room to visit with her.  The last time I was in a vet's office we put gizmo to sleep. I think I have been repressing those feelings because I was so overcome with emotion that I sat on the floor in the vet's office with my sister's cat on my lap(while she purred) and cried my eyes out.

I am the queen of crying in inappropriate places.

I cried about losing gizmo(and my sister's cat)

I cried about losing my home.

I cried about what's happening to my marriage.  Still trying to maintain some semblance of privacy for joe, but I am saddened about  how some things are playing out.
If you had told me a month ago that some of the things I am dealing with now were going to happen, I would have said you were crazy. But things get so tangled up when there is so much chaos and tension and feelings involved.

It has been very difficult.

I really like where I am now.  I can see myself being happy here, for however long that might end up being.

And so I am feeling a little more settled, but still a bit unsettled.

Tomorrow we move.  Well, I move.  I mean, he moves too.  But not to the same place as me.

Like I said, we move.  Tomorrow.

For real this time.  Turn in our keys and never look back.

In hindsight I wouldn't have stayed the last week like I did.  All of my stuff was moved last sunday but I stayed because joe was still there and I didn't want to let go. 

All it did was drag out the agonizing part of moving.  I will be relieved when it is done for good.

Maybe then I can start to look forward.

We put gizmo to sleep today.  I cried buckets of tears.  The vet examined her beforehand and found more cancerous tumors in her abdomen.  It solidified that we made the right decision but it didn't make it any easier.  It was very, very hard.  I will miss her so much.

It's very quiet here without the cat or dog.  This will be the first time in twenty years that I haven't had some kind of pet. That will be an adjustment.  I will miss it.

I'm hoping tomorrow goes smoothly and I can get settled in the new place.  I'm grateful for the extra day off.

It's nine o clock and I'm headed to bed already.  Crying most of the day is exhausting.    :(

I keep telling myself it can only get better from here.