Friday, September 21, 2012

Grief

I'm headed into a rough patch of depression.  I can feel it coming on.  As one popular blogger put it "things are starting to get fuzzy around the edges".

I cried a lot today.  I had to go to an appointment near where I used to live and I burst into tears as soon as I got off the freeway.  I wanted to turn left and go home instead of right to go to my appt.

After my appt I drove down the street we lived on.  I stopped for a minute and cried(that makes me sound a bit unstable-oh who am I kidding.  I AM a bit unstable)

I want to go home.

But my home isn't there.

Well, it's there, but it isn't my home anymore.

Is it possible that everything that has happened over the last month is only just catching up with me? I have tried to be strong and look at the bright side but I have been having a hard time doing that this last week.

I realized tonight on the way home that I am exhibiting classic signs of grief. I never even got the chance to grieve the loss of my little girl before all of these other losses happened.

I am fine all day at work because I am busy and don't have time to think.  My drive home though is long and then I have too much time to think.  It's in those moments that the grief comes out. 

I cried all the way home from my appointment tonight.  All.  The way.  Home.  All forty five minutes of it.

I am grieving the loss of our daughter.  I am grieving the loss of my dog.  And my husband.  I am grieving the loss of the life I used to have.

I wonder lately if  I should take a little break from my blog because seriously, how
long can one complain about the same thing for weeks at a time before it gets very old. 

I want to go home    :(

I'm ready for this to get easier because right now it's harder than I ever imagined it would be.

3 comments:

dawn said...

Oh Michelle....my heart really does hurt for yours.

Maybe now that your realise that you need to grieve and that you can grieve now you will allow yourself too. You have suffered so many losses in such a short time span. You have to acknowledge all of these and go through all of the emotions associated with them.......pretty or not. You're human and it is how we deal with pain.

If blogging helps you why would you stop. Nobody has to ready it if they don't choose to.

Your drive home is good for you as it makes you focus on YOU...it's a shame it happens when you are driving cos driving through tears is kinda hard.

Hugs hugs and more hugs.

Deborah Lenik said...

I don't think you should take a break from writing your Blog, if it helps you to share your feelings about what you're going through, then I say, WRITE MORE!! :) Sometimes, its not until the dust has settled that we allow ourselves to even acknowledge the full impact a loss has had on our lives...I've learned that grief doesn't go away just because I choose not to think about it, but it will and does get better when I allow myself the time to experience it. I think writing this Blog and sharing from your heart is an act of courage and if you can do this, I think you can do anything! I hope you keep writing it! :)

dawn said...

Oh good grief I promise not to write any more comments when I have just woken up because even if I do proof read them they still make no sense at all!
Sorry!