Taking a Break

I have decided to take a blogger's break. Probably not for more than a week or so. I haven't decided yet. That means if you are my friend or family, you will have to call me to see how I am. I promise to return your phone call. I am terrible about that. I will try to be better. I hope when I return I will be in a better mental state and that the adoption process is back on track. I'm going to make that doctor sign off my medical form if it kills me. I'm not letting him hold my medical form hostage any longer! Anyway, I'll still be reading your blogs. Afterall, it is still kind of an obsession(kind of?), and I can't just quit cold turkey!

Public Apology

Ummm..I would like to publicly apologize for last night's post. It stemmed entirely from my depressive state and my own insecurities, and was not targeted at anyone in particular. Thank you, thank you for those that left such nice comments. That wasn't the reason for the post(No, really, it wasn't), but it is nice to know that people do care. This has been a truly horrific week for me. It was hard for me to leave my sister's (darn it, we should just move there). I have been in a great deal of pain. I do not cope well when I am in pain. I had to go to the doctor and have some pretty uncomfortable tests that I am still feeling the residuals from(I never knew it could burn so much when you pee!). I hate going to the doctor even for a routine check up, let alone invasive tests! We have been worried about money lately, and the state of my husband's job situation. Then on Friday I got a notice in my mailbox at work that my health insurance premium is going up, and they are discontinuing free vision and dental. Grrrreat. This could end up costing us quite a bit, since I carry my husband and will carry Sophie on my insurance policy. My husband's job doesn't offer health insurance, as he is considered part-time at each separate school he works at. Sometimes I think we are crazy to be thinking about adding a child to all of this. We are barely providing for ourselves! Add all of those things with the fact that I'm going to start my period, and needless to say, I am an emotional wreck! My husband and I have been talking about the fact that it might be time for me to go ahead and have the hysterectomy I have been putting off. It should eliminate the monthly pain, and the severe PMS. Anyway, sorry for last night's late night post. I was not myself when I wrote it. I haven't seen that person since last summer, early Fall. I have made an appoinmment with my therapist on Monday, and an appointment for a new psychiatrist next week. I might still take a short break form posting, but I haven't decided. I like writing on this blog. It is only lately that it has started to bring me down, and that is entirely due to the depression, not anything that anyone else has done. I think maybe I should write drafts and sit on them awhile before posting them so I don't end up with more posts like that! Sheeesh!

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this blogging thing lately. I originally started this blog so I could get my feelings about some pretty heavy issues out of my head. I was dealing with infertility, depression, anxiety, Stage V endometriosis,chronic pain, and a myriad of other things. It was kind of like my diary. It was also a place I could complain about stuff or simply write about how hard it was to deal with the above issues. I didn't have many readers beyond my immediate family, and it didn't matter. I didn't care about comments, or how many people visited. I had no idea what "bloglines" was. I had a few select blogs that I read, but not very many and I would only check them a few times a week. Fast forward ten months. All of a sudden I was obsessed with reading a long list of blogs. I put a counter on my blog to see how many people were visiting. I was excited when someone whose blog I read would leave a comment on mine. The topic of the blog changed from my diary to our adoption journey. I tried to keep the tone of the blog upbeat. I tried not to complain too much because it seemed like that's not what people wanted to hear. I certainly got more comments on positive posts than negative ones. And all of a sudden it mattered. I spent a lot of time thinking about what makes some people's blogs so popular and others not so much. How come some blogs are in everbody's links section and mine is only on a few? What makes people leave comments on some people's posts and not on others? Obviously a great deal of this has to do with the writing on each blog. There are some truly amazing writers out there in blogland, and I am not one of them. Some blogs are very humorous and bring a smile to your face whenever you read them. Mine is also not one of these. All of a sudden it seemed like a popularity contest. Like High School where the cheerleaders hang out together at the "cool" lunch table and the geeks like me eat lunch alone. I was never in the "popular" category. I never have been and probably never will be. The thing is, before I started this blog, I didn't care. This blog was mostly for my benefit. I noticed lately that I have started to care. I care if people are reading. I care if people are leaving comments, and I want to be on other people's blog lists. But I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be poplular. And I hate that I care. I wish I didn't. I mean, I don't even know any of these people! Why should I care if they're reading and/or commenting on my blog? It's easy to get caught up in it. I tend to get very emotionally involved in things. Lately I have been having a hard time keeping that upbeat tone. I know that it is the depression creeping up on me again. It started as soon as I came home from my trip to S.F. I miss my niece and nephew so much(and my sister). I have so much fun when I'm around them and seeing them five or six times a year is not cutting it. When I come home from visiting them, it magnifies everything we are missing by not having children. Our house is so quiet. There hasn't been a lot of laughter lately, mostly because I am depressed and in a lot of pain and overall just in a rotten mood. The summer is looming too, and that has never been an easy time for us, for reasons I explained in an earlier post. Don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist and am going to a new psychiatrist next week. I am getting help. I'm not trying to cope with this alone. I guess what I'm getting around to is, I need to distance myself a little from blogland. I want this blog to be mainly about the adoption and right now nothing is happening with it. We're in Limbo, for an indeterminate amount of time. I can't post happy, upbeat things right now, so I'm not going to post anything. I may update once or twice a week with things like "Corners of my home" and such, but I don't think I'm going to use it for a diary anymore. I'll still be reading the list of blogs I follow, and commenting too. But I won't be posting as often as I was. I'm pretty sure this didn't even need an explanation and not very many people care either way, but I wanted to post something rather than simply dissapear without any explanation at all, at least for my family who read.

What is it you do for a living again?

I have just returned home from a visit with my psychiatrist. I am required to see her once a month in order to get my medication. Psychiatrists don’t give refills over the phone. You have to make an appointment, and pay for an office visit to get your medication each month. They say this is so they can closely monitor the meds you are taking, but I think that’s a load of B.S. I think it is simply a way for them to charge your insurance company for an office visit. I am in her office for a total of ten minutes, top. I have seen from the invoices my insurance sends out that she charges $85.00 for that ten minutes. She has appointments scheduled every fifteen minutes, and her office is always full. That tells you a little bit about our society, doesn’t it? But who am I to judge? I’m one of those people there for their drugs! I have been seeing this particular psychiatrist for seven months now. She has no idea who I am. When she comes out of her office to get me for my appointment, she says “Hello lady. Are you here to see me?” (There are several psychiatrists working out of that office). She greets me that way every single time. When I go in and sit down, we have the exact same conversation every time. First she asks me if I have kids. I tell her we are in the middle of the adoption process. Twice when I told her this(after asking from what country we were adopting) she said "Oh, that's nice. You'll have Brad Pitt family." (She has a very thick Persian accent). I am not kidding. She actually said this to me on two separate occasions. I can't believe she just said that, and I don't know what to say so I just smile blankly at her. The other times when I told her we were adopting she proceeded to tell me what wonderful people my husband and I were, for doing such a noble thing. Yuck. Again, the blank smiling. The second thing she asks is "What do I do for a living?" I tell her I work in Child care. She tells me again what a good person I am, and what a noble job that is. Yeah, whatever. Too bad the pay is crap! I don't actually say this, but I think it. Every. Single. Time. Then she proceeds to ask how long I have been married, and if my husband is nice to me. I am so tempted to say, just once, "Yes, he's nice to me. Aside from the beatings, we get along great". Just to see if she is listening, because I'm pretty sure she is not. I have been taking the same medication for seven months. Nothing has changed, except that I feel I no longer need the Xanax, so I stopped taking it several months ago. She is pleased with this information. She is pleased with it every time I see her, even though I stopped taking it months ago. At my last appointment, she asked me if I felt the anti-depressant was working effectively. I told her I thought it was working fine for the most part, but I felt it didn't work as well as I would like for the severe PMS I suffer from every month. (Endometriosis can cause PMS that is ten times worse than "regular" PMS). So I explain to her the endo situation, and how I have been feeling both really sad and extremely cranky for the seven days leading up to my period. (If you don't believe me, read a couple of the posts prior to this one. Yikes!) Anyway, I explain all of this to her and she says. "Oh, you need not worry about PMS. You just let it go. Take some Tylenol. You feel better." "Don't let bother you." Ummm...Huh? Again all I do is smile blankly at her.
Apparently the PMS is all in my head and I have complete control over it. I haven't brought it up since then. My therapist has been telling me I need to see someone else and the PMS is a real problem that can be helped with another kind of anti-depressant. I guess I have been too lazy to find someone else. After all, she is already the second one I have tried. The first one gave me a bunch(and I mean a bunch) of pills, and then told me I was trying to mask my true feelings with medication. Plus he was creepy. So I don't know what I should do. I obviously need to continue on the anti-depressant(again, refer to earlier posts). In order to do so, I must see a psychiatrist. And I think this one should actually know who I am after seven months. And agree that PMS is an actual problem that deserves some consideration. And not be creepy. Is that too much to ask?



P.S. It absolutely breaks my heart to see the waiting room crowded with Mothers and their sons who are there to get their ADHD meds refilled. What are we doing to our kids? Is drugging them really the answer? But again, who am I to talk. I'm just a crazy lady there to get the refills on her drugs.

Another doctor's visit

I spent a good portion of today at the Urologist's office, having more tests done. The good news is I don't have kidney stones, cysts on my bladder, or cancer. Whew! The bad news is there are protein cells in my urine and he doesn't know why. So I have to go to yet another doctor. This time it is a nephrologist, to make sure my kidneys are functioning properly. Apparently it is not normal to have any protein in your urine at all and we need to find out the reason for it. I'm getting tired of going to the doctor. It is hard to schedule appointments so I don't have to miss work, and overall it is draining emotionally. I am not sure if my primary doc will sign off on my medical form before I see the specialist, so there's a chance this could hold us up for quite a bit longer. I want this to be done so badly. It doesn't look like we're going to make our May deadline. It makes me sad and frustrated. Oh well, what am I gona do?

Just going through the motions

Do ever feel sometimes like you’re just going through the motions of life? Like you aren’t actually participating, but are kind of along for the ride? That’s how I’ve been feeling since returning from my trip on Friday and returning to work this week. I’m feeling kind of “blah”. I’m frustrated because of the extra stress of work, the adoption hold up, and the fact that summer is looming. It isn’t just my job that is more stressful in summertime.Our financial situation also changes dramatically. My husband’s pay is cut by about a third during the summer months because it’s hard for him to find summer teaching jobs. He did manage to land two classes, but it isn’t enough. We’re just scraping by now, so I’m not entirely sure how we are going to get by. We managed to barely make it through last summer, so I’m sure we can do it again. But it’s tiring and it’s getting old. We thought for sure he would have a full time teaching position by now. That’s the one thing I pray and pray for, but never seem to get an answer(unless the answer is simply No). I’m not sure how long we can continue, with him working at three different schools. He doesn’t get benefits, and goes several months a year without pay at all.(one month right after Christmas, and two months in the summertime). It’s hard to make a budget, to say the least. The news of this month’s referrals have gotten me down too. I guess I(and a few thousand other people) was hoping they(the CCAA) would start speeding up referrals again, but that doesn’t appear to be the case, at least not this month. I can’t think about our wait right now. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to curl up in a ball on the floor and rock back and forth. I hate the uncertainty of it all. It seems so unfair. It feels like trying to get pregnant all over again, not knowing how long it will take. Total lack of control. Not knowing how much longer we have to spend not being parents. Clearly I am having a bad day. I’ll be better tomorrow. I apologize for this depressing post. Time to go write in that journal I bought!

Getting back into the swing of things

Back to work today. It is so hard to come back after a week off. So hard that I dreamt the alarm clock was going off and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. Imagine my dismay when I realized it actualy was the alarm clock going off. Blech. Joe's teaching tonight, so I decided to spend my time productively(for once!). I am planning the curriculum for my summer program. I am not having fun doing it. You see, summer is not a happy joyful time around our house. I work at a childcare center. The kids are in school most of the year, and it is my job to keep them entertained during the short period of time between when school gets out and their parents come to pick them up. It's about a three hour time period, a little longer for the half day kindergrtners. If they aren't in school, they're in my program all day. All eleven hours of the day(we're open 7:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.). And even though I am not at work that entire time period(thank godness!), it is my job to plan the activities that will keep them entertained all day long. I also have to come up with new ideas every year, as many of the same children attend year after year and they don't want to do the same activities they did the year before. So I'm scouring the internet to find crafts, games, and recipes to go along with the nine theme weeks I have created. That's thirty-six art projects, nine cooking activities, forty five hot lunches, five field trips, and about a zillion games. Add to that a Luau party, a carnival, one treasure hunt, and a whopping end of summer party, and that adds up to a lot of extra work for me! Most of which I do not get paid for, as I do much of my research at home. We don't have internet at my work(how lame is that?). Anyway, summer is coming(in seven weeks, but who's counting?) and I need to get ready. I've finished four out of nine weeks. Almost half way done. Back to work........

Fun photos from S.F.

I can't get the photo link to work, so I have to do it the hard way. I haven't been able to get onto my Flickr account in months, and have sent multiple e-mails but haven't received a reply. Anyway, here are some pics.

More S.F. Photos

Even More

Home again

Sigh. I'm home. It is so hard to leave those two munchkins, especially when Gracie is saying in the backseat "Papa no go home." I wish we lived closer. I'm already planning my next visit. We had such a blast and the time flew by way too quickly. We spent all day Thursday at Bonfante Gardens. It was a beautiful day, and we had so much fun, but the best part was we met up with Stacey from Teague Family Adventures and Mary Mia from Do They Have Salsa in China? It was so fun meeting people whose blogs I spend so much of my time reading! I LOVE blogging! Of course, I got to meet Stacey's son Austin and brand new baby sister Ryleigh. Both very cute! Cameron and Austin had so much fun riding the rides and playing in the water fountain together. I can hardly wait until I have a little one for Ryleigh and Gracie to play with! Those Northern CA bloggers are so lucky. I think we Southern CA bloggers need to plan a little get-together. How about it? I'll plan it, if anyone is interested. I'm a little jealous of their get-togethers, and would love to have one of our own. E-mail me if you want to. C'mon, it'll be fun! :) It doesn't matter whether you already have your little one home, are waiting, or are just starting the process. We adoptive Moms have to stick together! Oh, I was going to finish my "six unusual things about me" list. I was talking on the phone to my husband last night and happened to mention that I had been "tagged" and that I had to come up with six wierd things about me and I was having a hard time thinking of things. So he promptly begins naming off tons of wierd facts about me that I could use. Ummm..Thanks honey! So now I have a whole list of things to choose from!
3. I was reminded of this just today. I hate squirrels. They creep me out. We saw some at the park today and they were running around like crazy, jumping into the air and rolling around on the ground. Watching them actually gave me the chills. To me they look like rats with fluffy tails. When I was a kid my Mom used to take us camping quite a bit. I remember we stayed at this one campground in Florida for what seemed like a long period of time(I was small, so it could very well have been only a couple of days, but it seemed like a long time to me). They had a lot of squirrels in this campground, and they were quite tame. They used to come into our Volkswagon Van to get the food. It scared the heck out of me. I used to have nightmares that they would come into my sleeping bag in the middle of the night and bite me. I hate squirrels! I don't care what anyone says, they are not cute! Today at the park I got my niece to say "I'm cared(scared)" of the squirrels. Good!
4. I love to watch true crime movies and/or television shows. I am fascinated by them. It is so unbelievable to me that seemingly normal people could commit such horrific crimes and nobody suspect them. The neighbors always say "He/she seemed like a perfectly well adjusted person to me". Consequently, I am often very paranoid of strangers, especially white males in their mid twenties-early thirties. Especially if they are clean cut and good looking. Aren't they always the ones who abduct young women and keep them in their basements before killing them and dumping the bodies in a nearby wooded area? I watch so many of these shows that I often think my neighbors are criminals. Remember when I thought our next door neighbor was chopping up his family with an electric saw because I heard him using it at ten o'clock at night? Yeah, I have a problem. It doesn't stop me from watching those shows though!
5. My whole life, until I was nineteen or so, I hated tomatoes(raw tomatoes). I couldn't stand the smell of them, and I wouldn't eat anything that they were on. One day, a fast food restaurant messed up my order and forgot to leave the tomato off of my sandwich. I was lementing this fact to my husband(then boyfriend), and complaining that I was so hungry, but I would not eat that sandwich that had tomato on it. Finally, Joe turned to me and said "Have you ever tried tomatoes?" I was offended and answered "Of course"! He said, "Just try the sandwich with the tomato. If you absolutely hate it, then I'll go back and get you another one without tomato." So I tried it. And you know what? I liked it! Yes, I know this sounds a lot like the "Green eggs and ham" story. So now I love tomatoes. I love them on burgers, in salads, even all alone!(And on a train, and in the rain...you get the picture:) Just think, I would probably hate tomatoes still today if my husband had not urged me to try them!
6. I am afraid of the dark. I think it stems from my television watching habits(see number 4 above). I will not go into a room if the lights are not on. If I am sleeping alone, I leave one small light on. Once, at our old house, the electricity was turned off because of a misunderstanding with the power co.(it wasn't my fault, I swear). I returned home from work and refused to go into the house alone. This was before I had a cell phone, so I couldn't call anyone. I waited in my car over two and a half hours for my husband to come home. I made him go into the house and light tons of candles before I would get out of my car. If I get home from work after it is dark and Joe isn't home, I go through the house turning a light on in each room as I go. If a light isn't working, I won't go into that room. Hey, I didn't say it was a rational fear!
Well, that's it. Six wierd things about me. That wasn't too bad. I could probably fill two or three more pages, but the challenge only called for six!

Having fun in San Francisco and I've been tagged

We've been so busy I haven't had time to post. It's also hard to wrestle the computer away from Lisa during the day and Scott at night! This week is flying by. We visited Chinatown yesterday. I bought Sophie a cute little Panda wearing a Chinese outfit. I also bought some cute slippers and Lisa bought me some beautiful cards and a stamp that says "thank you" in Chinese. I'm going to use them for my baby shower, even though it's going to be like a million years before I have it. I'll post pictures after I get home. Today the kids had school and then it was such a nice day we came home and the kids played in the little swimming pool out on the deck. After nap time we took a nature walk on San Bruno Mountain and Cameron flew his kite. Oh, and Lisa and I squeezed in some shopping while the kids were at school. A fun couple of days! Tomorrow we are headed to Bonfante Gardens for the day. Then home on Friday. The time always goes by too fast when we are here. I've been tagged, so I'm supposed to post six wierd things about me. Hmmm...I might have to think about this a little. Pretty much everything is wierd about me, so it might be hard for me to choose just six. Maybe I'll post a couple now and the rest later.

1. I am very high maitenance when it comes to sleep. The room has to be completely dark. I have to have three pillows. One for my head, and one on either side of me. I can't sleep without earplugs. I started using them because we had noisy upstairs neighbors who kept very strange hours and then it became a habit. I also sleep with a white noise machine on(in case the ear plugs don't do the trick). I have sleep apnea and I sleep with a CPAP machine. It is hideous. I have had serious problems with insomnia in the past, so I often take a sleeping pill to help me sleep. If there is ever a fire in the middle of the night, I'm convinced I will die because I am drugged, I can't hear anything, I am wedged into the bed because of all of the pillows, and I have that machine on my face. Joe assures me he will make sure I get out alive. I don't believe him.

2. I have Stage V endometriosis. I have had it since I was fifteen, but it went undiagnosed for ten years. My first gynecologist said I was over reacting about the pain and I should take some Tylenol when I had my period. I have had three surgeries to correct it,the last one in Dec. of last year. None of them have been successful. It causes me severe cramping and pain ten days out of every month. It is a disease, and currently there is no cure. No one I know understands it, and often are frustrated that I don't feel good a lot of the time. I stopped writing about the pain on this blog because it seemed like I was whining too much and nobody wanted to hear it. Now I write in a diary. I told my co-workers the last surgery worked, because I got sick of them saying "You should go see a doctor about that" every single month. It is something I struggle with silently. Only my husband really knows the anguish it causes me. I'm pretty much just biding my time until I have a hysterectomy. Because of it, I have much more sympathy for people that suffer from chronic pain.
My time on the computer is up, so I'll have to finish this up tomorrow!

Happy Easter!

We arrived safely in S.F. yesterday evening, and went straight to dinner at Macaroni Grill. Yum! I'm not sure how often I'll be posting, as I can't seem to get Lisa's internet connection to work with my computer. That means any pictures and such will probably found on Lisa's site. I hope everyone is having a Happy Easter! Or Passover, or just a nice Sunday if that applies to you!

Leavin' on a jet plane

Just sitting here at the airport waiting for our flight to leave. We got here pretty early, as I originally thought the flight was at 3:00. It is actually at 3:55. Yeah, I'm not so good with remembering times(or dates either). We were like the first people here. Only an hour and a half to go. Somebody help me! At least they have wireless internet. What would I do if I didn't have blogs to check? :) More later after we arrive. I'm sure I'll be babysitting the munchkins tonight.

I Heart Joaquin Phoenix

We just finished watching Walk the Line with Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. It was so so good. I can't believe we waited so long to see it. Joaquin Phoenix was amazing. He's pretty cute too! I think I love him. Don't tell my husband.

Spring Break is Here!

Finally! Today is the first day of Spring Break. Woo Hoo! I have the next 10 days off. Because I work at a Catholic school we get Good Friday off too. Ten days of laying in the sun drinking tropical drinks, napping and reading. Oops, that was my imagination running away with me again! I'm actually going to be spending the week in San Fransisco with my sister and niece and nephew. So instead of a bathing suit I'll be wearing this and probably this. And carrying around this. And instead of doing this, I'm sure there will be plenty of this. Or, if by some chance it isn't raining, this. Of course, whenever my sister and I get together, we always make time for a little of this. And we'll be visiting here quite often too. And if we are really lucky(and can find a babysitter), we may even get one of these. Mostly I'll just be spending a lot of quality time with these two. I'd take a week of that over laying in the sun sipping tropical drinks any day! San Fransisco, here I come!

Latest Digital Foray

Well, I did it. I started a new blog for all of my scrapbook pages. You can find it here. Here is my latest digital scrapbook page. I will probably only post these at the other blog now.

Joe and I have just returned home from the Hospital. No, we're not sick. We went there to donate blood for Shelley's husband. Unfrotunately, when they tested my blood my hemoglobin levels were too low for me to donate. I was so bummed. They said it could be because I just got off my period(I bleed a lot, especially this last time). I'm a litle concerned though, because when I checked it out on the internet, it seems I am a little anemic. Just yesterday I was telling Joe that I was going to make an appoinment with the doctor to talk about how exhausted I have been feeling lately. I may have found the culprit. Anyway, I couldn't donate any blood, but Joe was able to. I hope that it helps a little bit. Sorry I was MIA yesterday. I met with Joe before his night class, then rushed home to get ready to go to dinner with my infertility group. I must find a different name for them! How about I just call them my friends, since that's what they are now? I can't tell you how much they have helped me in the last year dealing with the grief of infertility. I don't know where I would be without them. And one of them is moving away and I'm so bummed! She promises to come visit often. I hope so! Thanks for all of your kind comments regarding my digiscrapping. I can tell you how I did it, but I have a Macintosh computer and I have no idea if the instructions would be the same on a P.C. or not. The first thing I did was download a free trial of a program called Photoprinto. I think it is a program only for Macs, but I am not sure about that. The second thing I did was go to this site and download some free digital scrapbooking stuff(templates, clip art, backgrounds, etc.). Just type "free digital scrapbooking" into Google and you'll find a ton of web sites to download from. Then I opened the photoprinto program, as well as the free stuff I wanted to use. All you have to do with this program is "drag and drop" the artwork from the folder onto your scrapbook page. Then you resize it and move it around until you like the look of it. You add layers by "moving objects to front or back" every time you add something. To add photos, you just open Iphoto, and drag and drop the pictures onto your page. Resize them and place them where you want them and Ta da! Done! I can't believe how easy it was. I am planning on printing the layouts out eventually, but right now all I have are pictures of our garden since the old computer died and we haven't had the info on it salvaged yet. I may snap som pictures of the doggies tonight so I can play around with them.

My second digital scrapbook page

I know they're pretty basic, and I'm still using "freebies" that I found on the internet, but I'm proud of them anyway! If this keeps up I may have to go ahead and start up that other blog just for scrapbooking that I'm always talking about.

My first attempt at Digital scrapping

Well, here it is. My very first digital scrapbook page. It took me almost as long to figure out how do it as it would have to make an actual page! I think it turned out O.K. With more time and patience, I think I can do better. Oh, and I was inspired by this site to try it. It's good to try new things!

Is there anything better than this?

I think not! Thanks Dad, for the yummy strawberries. As you can see, we put them to good use!

A Perfect Sunday

We're finally feeling better around here. The Plague seems to be gone. Thank goodness! We had our last visit with the social worker yesterday. It went fine. We barely cleaned at all. So different from the first time she came! It looks like we're kind of in a holding pattern until I go back to the urologist for the tests he ordered. Our homestudy is almost finished, but she will need my medical form to complete it. There's nothing we can do right now but wait until the end of April, when my tests are scheduled. I guess I'd better get used to this waiting thing. Apparently we're going to be doing a lot of it! We just kind of hung around the house yesterday after the visit. We were both still feeling tired from being sick. Today I had breakfast with my Dad, since I had to go over and pick up my suitcase for next week's trip to S.F. Only six more days to go. Yippee! After I got home from Dad's, Joe and I headed over to the Laguna Coast Wilderness Park for some hiking. Now that the time has changed, we have vowed to get off of the couch more and actually get some exercise! It is so beautiful there, and it is just a short jaunt down the road for us. It is amazing what you can find practically in your own backyard(if you just get off of the couch and look!) We took a brisk 45 minute hike through the Laguna Canyons. Beautiful! And the weather was perfect. Just enough of a breeze to keep us cool, which was good because I was sweating up a storm! Man I'm out of shape! After the hike we stopped in at Laguna Koi Ponds, where we saw lots of these. Joe loves it there. We never drive through Laguna Canyon without stopping by. I could tell he's bummed we don't have our pond set up right now. We took it down for our first social worker visit. We thought it was too much of a safety hazard for a toddler. With the wait times looking longer and longer, we might just decide to set it back up for the Summer. It brought Joe so much enjoyment last summer(and me too), especially when we had fish in it. We can always take it back down again when we get closer to a referral. I'm off to make dinner, then Joe and I are going to watch a movie on pay-per-view. A perfect Sunday!

The Plague

We are all pretty sick at my house. What I thought could have been food posioning is apparently some kind of nasty intestinal bug. Joe came down with it today as well. Since we didn't eat the same thing for lunch yesterday, it is unlikely that it was food poisoning. Between almost hemorraging because of my period, and then losing all the bodily fluids I did yesterday, I feel like a walking corpse. Come to think of it, I look like a walking corpse! I have circles under my eyes that almost look like black eyes, they are so large and dark. Joe didn't have to work today, so he hasn't left the couch. Unfortunately I did have to work, so I dragged myself there this morning and made it till a little after twelve before I was sent home by my co-workers. I went right to bed, and slept for three and a half hours! I'm still exhausted. I've been chugging Gatorade by the bottle, but there is no way that I'm not totally dehydrated. The house is still a mess and the social worker is coming tomorrow for her last visit. I pray that I feel better in the morning so I can do at least a couple of loads of laundry and vacuum the house.

Abort "the plan"

If you were patient enough to read the post before last, please disregard it. And I apologize for it being so lengthy. Boy, sometimes I think I just like the sound of my own typing(ha!), the way I go on and on sometimes. Anyway, today went nothing like the way I had planned, but nothing ever does, right? The first part of the plan went exactly as I wrote it. Including the part about the radiologist telling me I am clean and there is nothing to worry about and I'll see you next year. Yay! So relieved! In fact, everything went off as scheduled until exactly 12:45. That was when I arrived home from lunch with my husband. This is where the plan went terribly awry.
After I got home I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that I decided I would take a short nap
before I began cleaning the house. So I went into the bedroom to lay down. The next thing I remember is being woken up by stomach cramps and a severe feeling of neasousness. Ummm...and it was four o' clock in the afternoon! Hellooo.....I slept for three hours! So much for the "short nap"! And on top of that, I was feeling seriously ill. So I spent the next hour either on the toilet of laying on the bathroom floor! Not fun. I'm not sure if it had something to do with my period, or what I ate for lunch, but I am so happy to be feeling better now! Needless to say, nothing else on that list was accomplished today. Unless I add "laying on the couch for hours" or "taking a 30 minute shower" to it. Oh well, there's always tomorrow!

A Huge Relief

My second breast scan came back clean! I do NOT have a lump in my breast! Whew!

The plan for today

So far I am not enjoying my day off as much as I had hoped. I didn't sleep again last night. At five a.m. I was wide awake and ready to scream because I was so tired and yet couldn't sleep. It has to be some kind of cruel joke that I awoke at that ungodly hour on a day that I could have slept in! *Warning* Gross Menstrual talk ahead* This has been the period from Hell. I am bleeding more than I think I ever have in my life. That's one of the reasons I couldn't sleep. I had to keep getting up and cleaning myself up. I soaked through two pairs of sweat pants. I finally just put a towel in the bed so I wouldn't have to keep getting up. I soaked that too. I may have to call the doctor. I always put off doing so because A) They never seem too concerned, and B) I always wait so long to call that the problem subsides. That seems to be the case now. It has at least slowed quite a bit from last night. I fell like crap though. Lightheaded. Severe headache. Cramps. Exhausted. Blech. *Gross menstrual talk is now over.* Thank goodness I don't have to go to work. Anyway, here is what I have planned for today. I don't know if I will accomplish it all, but here's what I hope to get done:
10:00 a.m. Leave the house to get to my doctor's appointment, allowing myself plenty of time for traffic.
10:20-10:30 Arrive at Doctor's office
10:30 They take me back right on time for my exam(hey, one can always hope!)
11:00 Meet with radiologist to go over results of said exam. He/she tells me that my scan is clean and there is absolutely nothing to worry about and we'll see you next year(the power of positive thinking)
11:30 Go to lunch with my husband
12:45 Arrive home.
12:45-1:45 Clean the whole house, top to bottom. Kitchen, bathroom, living room and bedroom, complete with mopping of floors and getting a handle on the uncontrollable laundry situation that is going on in our bedroom.
1:45-1:30 Run errands. Pick up prescriptions and something for dinner.
1:30-2:00 Stop by scrapbook store to pick up supplies for more mini books. I want to try one that is geared towards the trip to China. I'm tossing around the idea of selling these(trying to sell them).
2:00-2:30 Take the dogs for a brisk walk. The weather is beautiful today! So different from yesterday.
2:30-3:30 Begin mini scrapbook
3:30-4:30 Mess around on the computer. Check my blogs.
4:30-5:30 Finish laundry. Fold and put it all away(this will never happen. Again, the power of positive thinking!)
5:30-6:00 Prepare dinner.
6:00-6:30 Eat dinner
6:30 Prepare dinner for Joe.
6:30-7:00 Wash dishes, clean up after dinner
7:15 Greet Joe at ther door, get him his dinner.
Spend the rest of the night cuddled up on the couch with husband. A very fruitful day!

A Better Day

Today was a good day. I'm feeling better, I had fun with the kids today, and it is Joe's night off. Yay! I am hating this teaching three nights a week schedule. I miss him when he's gone. Oh well, only 10 more weeks of the semester for him until he has a new schedule for me to get used to. Today is made all that much better by the fact that I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Yahoo!! I am having my second breast scan done and I took a sick day. Even though I'm pretty sure there is nothing to worry about, I didn't want to have to go to work if it was not good news. That means I get to sleep in tomorrow. Double Yahoo! This time change is messing with me big time. I simply. cannot. get. up. in the morning. I'm sorry, but my body thinks it is still 4:30 a.m. instead of 5:30 like it is used to! Add to that the fact that I simply cannot fall asleep before 11:00(again, my body thinking it is earlier!), and that equals me being exhausted this week. Soooo tired. I imagine this must be how you parents feel when your kids keep you up at night. Not good! Anyway, I am super happy about not having to go to work tomorrow. Now I must go and make dinner. Chicken Tortilla Soup. Mmmmmm.......! Is it me, or does it seem like I am always on this computer when I am supposed to be making dinner? :)

Crazy

It has been a hectic two days. So hectic, in fact that I had a meltdown in my car today, crying on the phone to my husband. Don't worry. He's used to these, and he knows exactly how to handle them. I am much better now. I am sitting at home on my couch in my sweatpants with my new computer on my lap. Ahhh..much better! (Did I forget to mention that I also have a pint of Hagen Dazs Triple Chocolate Ice Cream with me?) Anyway, the reason for the meltdown. I started my period today(thus the crying and the chocolate ice cream). Finally. I have been having a lot of pain this month and this means I'll finally be feeling better. Did anyone happen to notice how I didn't post even one entry about how much pain I have been in? Yup, I'm trying to keep the blog lighthearted and cheerful these days. Anyway, those weren't the only reasons for the meltdown. Yesterday I saw a Urologist. My primary doctor made me go see one because my urine test keeps coming back abnormal and he won't sign off on my med form for the adoption until he finds out why. So I went yesterday. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know what one was. I was kind of hoping to go there and tell him I was fine, and I just needed a note from him so I could get my medical form signed off. That's it. I wasn't expecting an exam, and I certainly wasn't expecting what he told me. So he comes into the room and starts going over my chart and he asks me why I am there. I tell him the only reason I am there is to get my medical form signed saying I am fine so that we can adopt a child. I tell him I am having no symptoms, and I don't even know what's wrong with my urine test results. He looks at the results and says "Well, you have blood in your urine." Then he pauses and looks at me kind of funny and continues "A lot of blood. Are you sure you aren't experiencing any other symptoms?" I tell him "No, I didn't even know about the blood, and I wouldn't have known if I hadn't had a physical". Then he asks me whether or not I have been having any pain. This is where it gets dicey. I told him "Yes, I have a lot of pain, every month, but that's because of Stage V endometroisis, not because of my bladder". And he says "Hmmm...I'm not so sure that's the case. I think it is possible that the pelvic pain from the endometroisis is masking the pain in your bladder. No one has that much blood in their urine unless there is a reason." By this time I am confused, and a little bit scared. I wasn't expecting this at all. So I ask him "What kinds of things would cause blood in your urine like that?" And he answers(slowly). "There are three probable causes. Cancer, a large kidney stone, or cysts in your bladder." Those were his exact words. He follows that statement by saying "Of course we would be least worried about the Cancer, given your age and family history." But I don't hear that part clearly because I'm thinking "What????? Did he say Cancer? What's he talking about? And what family history is he referring to? I clearly wrote "unknown" on that part of the form, and wrote "adopted" next to it. I don't know my family history you idiot! For all I know, my mother is dead of Cancer as we speak! And if you are least worried about that, why did you mention it first?" Luckily, that part of the conversation only occurred in my head! Instead I calmly answered "O.K. What do I do?" He said first I had to have an exam. I was a kind of nervous. I usually like to be a little more prepared when I have to take my pants off at the doctors. Now if you have never been examined my a urologist before, it is very similiar to a visit to the gynecologist. Except that it's a little different. It's a little, how should I say this, more intimate. Let's just say my husband hasn't been that intimate with me in a very long time! Your urethra lies on the upper lining of your woman parts, and is kind of hidden in the.........folds. Here is a very good site that explains it quite well. Caution. It is very graphic. Anyway, the exam was quite strange and I felt pretty uncomfortable. The doctor himself was very professional and he did nothing himself to make me uncomfortable, and there was nurse present too, of course. It's just that I am uncomfortable being touched in the places he had to touch me to do the exam. Anyway long(long) story short, I have to go back for a bunch more tests to detemine why there is blood(a lot of blood) in my urine. I get to have a camera put into my urethra, and I get to have a series of X-rays that takes 45 minutes to complete, while my bladder is full. Whooee, there is a lot of fun to be had by me in the next couple of weeks! Add to that my second mammogram on Thursday, and I think I may have had all the fun I can handle! Now I must go and throw something together for dinner quickly before Joe gets home because holy cow, it's 7:15 already and I haven't made dinner yet! This time change is really messing me up.

Pictures of the Baby Book

Here is the baby scrapbook I made for one of my pregnant friends. I'll be making a few more of these, so if you are pregnant and you are my friend, please don't look! Just kidding. You can look. I'm thinking about making one for myself with the new Michael Miller paper I just bought on e-bay. It is so cute! I love all of the ribbons and the doo dads inside. That class was well worth the time and money spent.

Even the back cover is cute!

Gracie's Video

Okay, I've been wanting to post this video here forever, but had no idea how to do it. It's not really Gracie's "Gotcha Day" Video. It's a slideshow I made of some of the pictures I took in China. There are some pictures of gotcha day included though. The song is called "Love Takes the Best of You" by Catie Curtis, who is one of my favorite artists. All of her songs are beautiful, but this one touched me to the core when I first heard it, a couple of months after Lisa and Scott announced they were going to adopt a baby from China. Of course I made a video for Cameron too, so I'll post that one probably tomorrow.

Computer Love

I love my new computer. Love, love, love it! Did I mention I LOVE it? :)
There's only one problem. I haven't moved from the couch ALL DAY. I've been on the computer the whole time(except for one small break to prepare breakfast. Hey, we've got to eat!) That's it! I must. move. off. the. couch. I am getting nothing productive done. I'm just fooling around. We are planning on going for a walk later, and since it will be light until almost seven, we may actually do it! (Unless we are really that lazy)

Well I obviously made it until Friday, as maddeningly slow as last week went for me.
The good news is as I sit here and write this, I am doing so on my very own computer!
No, I wasn't able to get mine fixed. With some help from my Dad, I was able to get financed for one of these. Thanks Dad!
That means that not only do I now own a laptop, I also have a better computer than Joe! Am I lucky or what? It is just. so. cool. Needless to say, Joe is not exactly thrilled about mine being better than his. I think it's a guy thing. We have decided that when his computer is paid off, he can sell his and we'll get him a new one. I also promised to share mine with him too. It has a bigger screen than his, so when we are at home and he is working on his web site he can use mine. Both of them being Macs, all we have to to is connect a cord from one to the other to transfer information back and forth. One of the very cool features that it has is a camera built right into the top of the screen! I took this picture with it! I also got this very cool laptop case for it. Isn't it pretty? I'm doing a great big happy dance over here at my house!