Friday, April 28, 2006

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this blogging thing lately. I originally started this blog so I could get my feelings about some pretty heavy issues out of my head. I was dealing with infertility, depression, anxiety, Stage V endometriosis,chronic pain, and a myriad of other things. It was kind of like my diary. It was also a place I could complain about stuff or simply write about how hard it was to deal with the above issues. I didn't have many readers beyond my immediate family, and it didn't matter. I didn't care about comments, or how many people visited. I had no idea what "bloglines" was. I had a few select blogs that I read, but not very many and I would only check them a few times a week. Fast forward ten months. All of a sudden I was obsessed with reading a long list of blogs. I put a counter on my blog to see how many people were visiting. I was excited when someone whose blog I read would leave a comment on mine. The topic of the blog changed from my diary to our adoption journey. I tried to keep the tone of the blog upbeat. I tried not to complain too much because it seemed like that's not what people wanted to hear. I certainly got more comments on positive posts than negative ones. And all of a sudden it mattered. I spent a lot of time thinking about what makes some people's blogs so popular and others not so much. How come some blogs are in everbody's links section and mine is only on a few? What makes people leave comments on some people's posts and not on others? Obviously a great deal of this has to do with the writing on each blog. There are some truly amazing writers out there in blogland, and I am not one of them. Some blogs are very humorous and bring a smile to your face whenever you read them. Mine is also not one of these. All of a sudden it seemed like a popularity contest. Like High School where the cheerleaders hang out together at the "cool" lunch table and the geeks like me eat lunch alone. I was never in the "popular" category. I never have been and probably never will be. The thing is, before I started this blog, I didn't care. This blog was mostly for my benefit. I noticed lately that I have started to care. I care if people are reading. I care if people are leaving comments, and I want to be on other people's blog lists. But I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be poplular. And I hate that I care. I wish I didn't. I mean, I don't even know any of these people! Why should I care if they're reading and/or commenting on my blog? It's easy to get caught up in it. I tend to get very emotionally involved in things. Lately I have been having a hard time keeping that upbeat tone. I know that it is the depression creeping up on me again. It started as soon as I came home from my trip to S.F. I miss my niece and nephew so much(and my sister). I have so much fun when I'm around them and seeing them five or six times a year is not cutting it. When I come home from visiting them, it magnifies everything we are missing by not having children. Our house is so quiet. There hasn't been a lot of laughter lately, mostly because I am depressed and in a lot of pain and overall just in a rotten mood. The summer is looming too, and that has never been an easy time for us, for reasons I explained in an earlier post. Don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist and am going to a new psychiatrist next week. I am getting help. I'm not trying to cope with this alone. I guess what I'm getting around to is, I need to distance myself a little from blogland. I want this blog to be mainly about the adoption and right now nothing is happening with it. We're in Limbo, for an indeterminate amount of time. I can't post happy, upbeat things right now, so I'm not going to post anything. I may update once or twice a week with things like "Corners of my home" and such, but I don't think I'm going to use it for a diary anymore. I'll still be reading the list of blogs I follow, and commenting too. But I won't be posting as often as I was. I'm pretty sure this didn't even need an explanation and not very many people care either way, but I wanted to post something rather than simply dissapear without any explanation at all, at least for my family who read.

12 comments:

Lisa & Jeff said...

Check out my blogroll! :)
Lisa

Tracy said...

I have a web site, not a blog...but if I had a blog I would have your site listed (although I am also one of the not cool kids and I'm sure no one visits my site). But I wanted to say that I read your site everyday. And there are very popular sites out there (the Naked Ovary) that are not always positive and happy and upbeat. So don't worry about it. If it makes you feel better, post. I love to read everything pos or neg. I remember the funk I got into during referral time and I only waited 6.5 months, so you are entitled to it and I'm glad you have help getting through it. Just know that there are people out here reading your post that feel like they know you too and do care how you are doing and are excited to see your referral posted someday. Good luck and I hope you don't stop posting, but if you do I hope you come back very soon.

Tracy
www.ameliarae.com (if you mail me michael.wehby@comcast.net I will give you the password)

Kristin said...

I'll miss you! I've been reading you since last fall and I have enjoyed seeing the transformation from woman with surgery on the horizon to the woam with hope and a baby on the horizon. The change has been dramatic... from the template of your blog to the title and then photos... you look so happy in the snapshot of you and Gracie!

Maybe take a little break BUT then come back!

Kristin said...

and i blogrolled you and i have been meaning to for weeks but everytime i update that damn thing i mess it up and so i am a little scared of what is actually the easiest process on the damn internet.

Joannah said...

Michelle, I read your blog every day! Sometimes I don't comment when your posts are sad because I'm at a loss for words. Your pain is so raw and I just don't know what to say to make it better.

Please don't let this be a popularity contest. I don't even know if I've added you to my bloglines, or not. The last time I went in there and fiddled with those was about three months ago! It stresses me out to mess with the template because I'm not very good with it - I had to hire someone to make and install my header!

Anyway, when you're up for it again, please know I'll be reading. AND I still think that we need to plan something for those of us in the area - even if it's just coffee. I'm meeting some families in the area who are with my agency next weekend, and I'm so excited to do so! We all have this wonderful journey in common.

Take care,
Joannah

Jenny said...

Michelle, I understand the pressure of blogging and how it changes into a popularity contest. I have to remember to just write the same things I would say to my best friend. Those that read and comment are fun- those that read and don't comment are fine too. Ultimately I enjoy the updating and don't stress too much about who's reading. I think the popularity portion of blogging is more of an illusion. There are so many blogs and so many people that it just takes awhile to get to know everyone. Since I listed my 6 weird things and found out that we are sisters separated at birth I have a new connection with you. I hope that you take a break and then come back. Never be pressured to share anything other than your whole self. After all it isn't how many friends ( ie. Hits, comments) you have that counts, it is the quality of the friendship. We want you to feel free to express all of you. We will still read what you have to say, even if it seems depressing. Nobody goes through life with a perma-grin at least not honestly.
Hope you are up and at em' again soon.
Jenny V
www.sophiashope.com

Gracencameronsmomy said...

Wait, how am I supposed to find out what's going on with you?? You don't call me! Who cares how many people read it, it is WHO reads it that counts!
Lisa

Kim M. said...

Michelle

I understand what you are saying. I felt the same at times. I'm not using mine as a diary more as an update. I just can't be as witty as some others and thats okay. I'm doing what I can do. I think others would miss you and I have been reading yours everyday now and I would miss you too!

I know you already posted an apology but I wanted to add my thoughts. Hang In there. I think this process is very hard on us emotionally.

Aimee said...

Michelle,

Maybe take a break and clear your head a bit. Who can expected to be in the best of moods while enduring such a hard journey that somehow seems to get a little longer each month? I don't think everyone is looking for blogs full of rainbows and unicorns. The best type of writting is what comes from your heart and not just people searching for "stuff" to throw up on their blogs. Hope to see you back soon.

Lane China Adoption said...

Just wanted you to know that you have been on my blog roll for a while. I don't leave many comments. but I do check in regularly. I hope have happier days ahead! My days have been pretty crappy too! If you want to talk, just send me an email. I too went through infertility before coming to adoption so I can feel your pain there. Iknow this is a long journey for those o us whogo through infertility and then months of adoption waiting. Sometimes it seems we will never be blessed with a child. I hope that you can stay and keep blogging. For me it is sometimes a way to get all of it out without going crazy in my mind. There are so many people going through the same things in the blogging community that you have a wealth of support! I am here if you want to talk further - or if you just want to vent I can listen!!!
Sara
lanechinaadoption.blogspot.com
saramlane@earthlink.net
DTC 1/31/06

Glo said...

Ok Well I will start my day by leaving this message here for you. I understand how you feel and have just found your BLOG for the first time today. Actually I found it because you left a Thank You on one of the mOST popular sites because she in fact is a wonderful writer and keeps much of the international Adoption community up on what is happening with referrals etc. I really think that IS the popularity of her site. And she does do a very very good job. I am adding you to my BLOG roll right now. I hope when you read this that you will do the same for me. I am a grandma for a Mexican adoption which probably makes me least popular of all, and yet I have found a few friends who do stop by my BLOG , a couple of them fairly regularly. I am not connected with a group fo couples for a support OR celebration system. I too yearn for more to stop by and encourage me on a bad day and celebrate with me on a good day. I am however very thankful for all who do not even know me, and yet do stop by to extend their well wished or congratualtions, as our baby girl has been home now for like 9 days.

All this to say, I will be watching for you . Take a break if you need to. Since you will be on my bLOG roll now i will knw when you make a post. Good luck with getting your Dr to sign off. After all this I don't think he should be holding your adoption process hostage either, so go for it. Hoping ot see some exciting news coming from your way soon.

Tazzy said...

hey, you're lsited on mine!!!!!