The biopsy results are in....

And they aren't great. Not a great day overall, in terms of news regarding my mental and physical health. You see, I had two different doctor appoinments today. One with a new psychiatrist, and the other with the nephrologist to go over the results of my kidney biospy. The psychiatrist was first. I have been looking for a new psychiatrist since Christmas. I simply was not happy with my current psychiatrist, who had no idea who I was after seeing her for seven months, and who also told me that to solve my PMS, I should just not worry about it. Put it out of my mind. Yeah, O.K. So I asked around, and my therapist finally came back with a referral for one that her other clients liked and would actually recommend. After one and a half months of looking! Apparently not many people are happy with their psychiatrists. So I saw him today. And I love him. He is wonderful. Third time is a charm I guess! He spent forty-five minutes with me. He asked me a zillion questions. He took copious notes. The diagnosis he came up with almost made me fall out of my chair. I have always been very open and honest on this blog, about everything. But I am not ready to share this. It's scary. It's embarrassing. It is almost unbelievable. And yet, when I lool back at my history, it fits. He says I am "borderline", or only "slightly", but still I AM. He gave me some pretty heavy duty medication to try. Medication that previously I would have only associated with crazy people. But I can't share any of it right now. I don't know when(or if) I will be able to share it. People have serious preconceived notions about a mental illness like this, and I don't want to be judged. I certainly don't want anyone at work to find out. I work with kids for Gosh sakes! Would you want a crazy person watching your kids? I wouldn't. So for the time being, feel free to move me from "Adoption" to "Crazy" in your blog links section, but I can't talk about it right now. It is too new. It is too raw. And I am too scared.
So on to the appointment with the nephrologist. The biospy results came back, and I have IgA Nephropathy, or Berger's Disease. It is an autoimmune disease of the kidneys. There is no cure. It is a degenerative disease, which means it might not be severe now, but in fifteen years the damage to my kidneys could be irreparable. The only treatment is to control my blood pressure and keep my cholesterol levels low, which they are now. I don't have much more to say about it. It is not a common disease. There doesn't appear to be a lot that can be done about it, except to let it run its course. And hope for slow progression. I am terrified. I am devastated. It is unclear as to how this will affect the adoption. My doctor said he will write a letter for me. However, we don't know if the letter will be sufficient. There is no way he can honestly say this will not affect my life expectancy, and that is what the social worker said the letter needs to say. We won't know any more until the letter comes in the mail. At that point we will forward it to our social worker and ask if it is good enough. So more waiting ensues. I can't take much more. I cried all the way home. I cried in the grocery store. I'm stitting here crying as I type this. I can't stop. I know that it could be worse. I could have Cancer, or something else horrible and terminal. I am lucky not to have a myriad of awful diseases that people are diagnosed with on a daily basis. But this is not what I expected. I expected something that can be treated. Or cured. My plate is already full. There is no room for anything else. I am already overwhelmed with the chronic pain due to the endometriosis. Totally overwhelmed. It's time for me to go take some of those heavy duty drugs the psychiatrist prescribed.