Wednesday, February 07, 2007
I'm in a lot of pain. It tends to cloud my outlook a little bit. Thus the previous post. I made the appoinment with my GYN today to set a date for my hysterectomy. If all goes well, I should be able to have it done in 6-8 weeks. Even though we have talked about this, and planned for it, and mentally prepared for it, I still feel sad. I don't know why. I can't become pregnant. I know that. Yet it feels like letting go of that last ray of hope that someday. It feel so final. But I can't live with this pain anymore. I just can't. When I was taking the Prednisone I was completely pain free. For six whole months. Sure, it had some other nasty side efects, but a I was pain free. For the first time in my life. For the first time in twenty three years of having a mestrual cycle. And now that I know what it's like to live a pain free life, I can't go back. I can't go back to the heating pad, and the hot baths every day(like today), and popping pain pills like they are candy. I can't do it. The pain is unbearable. At times, excruciating. And I live with it in silence. I can't tell anyone. Last year's surgery was supposed to be the answer to my prayers. It was my third one. The third time is supposed to be a charm, right? Apparently not for me. They didn't get any nerve tissue. None. I was too messed up inside for them to get a good enough view. Tumors, organs stuck together, my ovaries stuck to my plevis, one of my tubes completely wrapped around one ovary several times, ugly black endometriosis all over. I have pictures. It's not pretty. So we go to the last resort. Take it all out. All of it. My body has failed me. First with the endometriosis, and then with the kidney disease. Both of these are auto-immune diseases. My body is attacking itself. Doctors don't know why. There is no cure. Ugh, this is depressing. I'll be better tomorrow. I hope.