I just returned from the second to last meeting of my infertility group tonight. I am sad that it will be ending next week. I have come to depend on these women for their emotional support, their knowledge of infertility procedures, and their willingness to share their heartbreaks with the rest of the group. I hope we will continue to meet long after the group ends next week. I found this quote in one of the many infertility books that I have been reading lately and it sums up how I feel perfectly.
The emotional pain associated with infertility is excruciating.
There's the loneliness, the lack of control, stressed relationships, sleep problems,sexual dysfunction, waiting to hear from the doctor's office, delayed decisions, career stagnation, withdrawal from family and friends, debt, insurance hassles, unending and invasive exams, medically induced emotional swings, daily trips to the lab....punctuated each month with
"I started my period"
I can't tell you how true this statement is. I have experienced every one of those things that are listed. Not all of them every single month, but a lot of them each and every month for the last 42 months. 42 months!!! There are so many things I could have done in 42 months that would have been rewarding. I could have gone to school and got my Bachelor's degree! 42 wasted months. I am not willing to put myself through any more of this pain. I will have the surgery in September. We are calling to schedule it tomorrow. I will do one more insemination after that, maybe in November. After that we are done.I am not willing to live my life like this any more. I have too many things in my life to be grateful for to waste one more day being depressed about our infertility. I will not chart how many days are in my cycle. I will not pee on a stick for 5 days straight and wait for it to turn purple to see if we can have sex. I will not look at my mucus to see if it is stretchy(sorry, pretty graphic) I will not go to the OBGYN and sit in a room full of pregnant women and cry because I wish it was me.
(We are switching to a GYN that does not deliver babies) I will not waste my money on pregnancy tests because I am 2 days late, only to start my period before I can get home to take it. What I will do is start looking forward to the adoption process. We will start saving money and getting the paperwork in order to begin. I will start living my life to the fullest extent again.
I know that we will be O.K. I am not sorry that we had to go through this. It has made our marriage stronger. It has made us both really think about what it means to be a parent and know that it is something that we truly want. I am ready to move on.